Mistakes Were Made Ch. 03

Heather's Story

Court-ordered marriage counseling is a challenge. I should know, I've been involved in a dozen cases. Getting couples to be honest and participate with an open mind is hard enough without having one partner who is forced to attend.

These circumstances were unusual. John was seeking a divorce, and Debbie contested it, but it was John who had cheated on Debbie. Usually, it's the cheater who contests the divorce. Also, after paying some lip service to not being there by choice, John participated every bit as much as Debbie did, and maybe more.

The judge ordered eight sessions. That's not a lot. It means I can't let the process proceed at its natural pace. I can only push ahead and hope that the couple makes progress when they are outside the sessions. I use a bit of a 'total immersion' approach where we have two, two-hour sessions a week. If I can't have three months or more to help a couple decide the fate of their relationship, let's put everything in the microwave and get everything on the table as soon as possible.

In the first session, I asked each couple to explain what brought them to counseling and what they hoped to get out of it. John started to explain that he was only there because of the court order, but I nipped that in the bud.

I told him, "John, the court order is an artifact of the situation, not the cause of anything. We need to discuss the breakdown of your relationship from both points of view."

That was the last 'I am only hear because I have to be' that I heard from John. That was surprising.

They agreed on the details regarding John's one-night stand. However, while John accepted that his betrayal caused Debbie pain, Debbie said he couldn't possibly know how much he hurt her. Before an argument started about that, I interceded and prompted John to describe how he felt about his actions.

I don't think either of them understood at that moment that John's reaction was critical to their future. When the cheater in a couple wants a free pass, says it was 'sex not love', and wants the other partner to 'just get over it', the chances are good that the relationship is doomed.

When John's response about how he felt focused on his remorse and guilt, I knew they had something to build on. The saying, 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' implies that people cannot learn, and that's obviously wrong. If cheaters learn from their actions and the consequences of those actions, the lessons will influence their future behavior.

John and Debbie did not agree on much regarding Debbie's date. Debbie explained that the date was intended to show John how much he hurt her. She didn't see it as 'getting even', or as a punishment for John, and she was adamant that she had no romantic feelings for the man she dated.

The date felt very different to John. He felt it was punishment, probably indicated Debbie was interested in some other man, and made him wonder if she was only staying with him so she could continue to punish him.

When Debbie argued again that she had no interest in the man, John asked her if the man had any interest in her. Debbie admitted he did, and there was a noticeable increase in tension in the room.

Things did not improve when we discussed the final steps in the breakdown of their relationship, Debbie going out to a bar and meeting men, and John filing for divorce.

The strongest reaction I had to the first session was surprise at how little John and Debbie had communicated prior to our session. While their marriage was collapsing, they hardly spoke to each other. Lack of communication makes things worse, not better, and it's no surprise to me they wound up in divorce court and then my office.

Couples are often at odds in the first session and it's not unusual for the session to end badly. That's one of the reasons that I schedule two sessions a week. I do not want bad feelings to stew for a week.

#

For session two, I asked Debbie and John to describe how they met and fell in love. As you might guess, I hoped that recounting their love story would counteract some of the negative emotions they carried out of the first session. This mostly worked as intended, and the session ended on a positive note.

In session three, we focused on John's behavior and decision making on the night of his one-night stand and for the following two weeks. How did he end up alone in a bar with another woman? Why did he respond when she kissed him? He knew he had done wrong. Why didn't he admit it?

This was a difficult session for both parties. John's remorse was genuine, and it hurt him greatly to see Debbie's reaction. In the short discussion Debbie and John had on the night Emma told Debbie of their hookup, Debbie's anger masked the hurt she felt. While John knew he had hurt her, sessions three was the first time he saw it up close.

#

Session four nearly ended the chances for a reconciliation, a reconciliation that I thought was likely and the right outcome.

Our topic was the aftermath of Emma's revelation to Debbie. In a turnaround compared to session three, Debbie got to see first-hand how her reaction affected John, including the three weeks of a 'cold war'--as John described it--and, especially, her decision to go on a date.

It was clear that Debbie did not accept that her date made the situation worse, not better, and said even if it did, she blamed John for it. She described John's decision to move out as an overreaction and compared it to what she considered was her more measured response to his one-night stand.

Debbie grew more and more upset during the session until she lost control.

I believe I am good at what I do, but no one is perfect, and I misread the situation. Debbie was resisting accepting responsibility for any of the events that followed John's one-night stand. I tried to explain that assessing blame was not anyone's goal, but that both of them had to understand that actions have consequences.

"Debbie, you heard me tell John that we can control our own actions, but we can't control the consequences. He cheated, and you reacted in a way that he didn't expect. You froze him out and then went on a date. You didn't expect him to move out, but he did. You two weren't communicating, it was a downward spiral and by discussing it now, we're trying..."

She interrupted me. All her emotion came out in a torrent.

"Enough. ENOUGH! I can't take it. He cheated, and now he wants a divorce. We were saving to buy a house, now we're spending money on lawyers, and counseling, and an apartment for him. Everything we built is going to shit. Everything is shit... and both of you are blaming me."

It's common for the wife or husband to feel that I am on the other side. If I am doing my job, neither side feels that way, but the next best thing is if they both feel it a little.

I tried to regain control of the session.

"Debbie, I'm not assessing blame. I am trying to help you and John understand what happened and learn from it so you can rebuild your relationship."

"Fuck it! No! He says he lies awake at night wondering if I had sex on my date. I don't have to fucking wonder! He admitted it. Now he wants out because I won't just turn the other cheek. Fuck that! I'm done. He can have his fucking divorce!"

With that, she stormed out of the room. John rose to follow her, but I stopped him.

"John, let her go. This is my fault, and I think it's best if we let her cool down a bit before we talk again. I'll call her in the morning."

Our sessions were in the evening, long after office hours for most lawyers, so I was surprised when Debbie's lawyer answer his telephone. I wanted to prevent Debbie from doing something rash.

"Jeremy, this is Heather Parsons. I'm the counselor working with John Hyde and your client Debra Hyde."

"Good evening, Heather. I don't believe we've met."

"No, I don't think so either, and you may not want to meet me after what I am going to ask you."

"Oh, no! That doesn't sound good."

"Well, it's not good, at least right now, but I think I can get things back on track. A few minutes ago, Debbie left a counseling session quite upset. There is a chance she will call you and tell you she has changed her mind and no longer wants to contest the divorce. I'm convinced that's not in her best interests. Please, for her sake, don't act on that until I have a chance to talk to her."

"Well, this has never come up before, and I must admit I am not comfortable with it. If she calls me, I'll encourage her to talk to you if she hasn't already. If she still wants me to go ahead, I can't ignore that request. Sorry, but that's the best I can do."

#

I went to the office early the next day, reviewed my notes, and mentally prepared for the call. I was hoping Debbie would agree to a one-on-one meeting that morning. I was prepared to reschedule other appointments. She was my top priority.

After a civil but cool greeting from Debbie, I invited her to meet with me that morning.

"I can't," she said, "My boss is already unhappy with me, and I can't take any more personal time."

"How about lunch? Can I meet you somewhere near your office?"

"I only get thirty minutes for lunch, and I usually don't even leave the office."

I finally convinced her to risk the wrath of her boss and meet me at a coffee shop.

When we met, I began by asking her if she was serious about not contesting the divorce.

"We're broken. He doesn't want to fix it, and I can't fix it by myself. It's time for me to give up."

"Less than two weeks ago, you told me, and John, that you did not want to divorce, and that you wanted to go back to how things were."

"I know."

"I didn't say it then, but I will now: things won't go back to exactly how they were. We'd need a time machine to do that, but I'm a good judge of relationships and I know you two can make it work."

"That's not how it feels. He doesn't want it to work."

"That's not what I see. Two weeks ago, he said he was at the session because the judge ordered him to be there. Just moments after that, he was participating as much as you were and working hard to explain himself and understand what you were saying. You told me that prior to the first session, you two were only communicating through your lawyers. Now you're talking to each other for two hours twice a week. I know you've been watching him. Do you see how much he regrets what he did? He's been open and honest. He doesn't agree with you on everything, but you shouldn't expect that. You two have come a long way in less than two weeks. I know last night was difficult and painful for you but stay committed. It's only two more weeks. If you truly want a life with John despite all the heartache of the past few months, don't give up now."

"I want a life with him, but he doesn't want a life with me."

"I shouldn't say this, but I will anyway. I think you're wrong. I think he wants a life with you as much as you want one with him. He's disappointed in himself. He's angry about your date. He doesn't understand why you didn't react the same way he did. He's wondering if you love him. But he loves you. He's hoping to find a way to be with you even if he won't admit it yet."

"If that's true, why doesn't he just say it and stop the divorce?"

"I think he will. Last night, you didn't see it, but he wanted to run after you when you left. That's not the reaction of someone who wants out."

"I don't know if I can take more sessions like last night."

"You won't have to. In the rest of our sessions, we'll focus on how to put things back together. We'll discuss why communication failed when you two needed it most. We'll also talk about how to rebuild trust and get back to solid ground after being on the brink of divorce. And... I'll let you in on a secret. At some point, I will ask John to imagine his future life with you, compare it to his future life without you, and tell him it's up to him to make a choice. Of course, I'll ask you to do the same thing, but you've already expressed your preference. Unless something completely unexpected comes up in one of these sessions, he's going to choose a life with you."

Debbie was crying now. I know she wanted to believe me, and I wanted to believe me, too.

She told me she would not talk to her lawyer and our sessions would continue.

#

As it turned out, I never did ask them to imagine their futures lives with and without each other. At the start of our sixth session, John asked to say something before we began the session. It was only a week after Debbie's meltdown, and we'd only had two hours together in the interim.

John directed his comments to Debbie.

"I've been so confused and unhappy since I screwed up. I... I didn't know how to cope with any of it. My guilt. My heartache over hurting you. Feeling like a failure. Thinking you deserved, and probably wanted, someone better than me. I went into hiding, both physically and emotionally. When you went on a date, I grabbed onto some anger and used it to avoid thinking about how I failed you. I got stuck in that mindset, and I stayed that way until last week. When you said you were going to stop fighting the divorce, I realized I was scared. It hit me very hard. The divorce would go through, and we'd be over. I was shaking as I drove home that night. It took me a few days to admit it to myself, but I didn't want us to be over. That's the opposite of what I want. That's why I was scared."

At those last words, Debbie cried out and then put her hands over her mouth. Tears began streaming down her cheeks. John moved next to her and put his arm around her shoulders. She buried her face in his chest. He went on.

"I spoke to my lawyer yesterday. I asked him what we had to do to stop the divorce and he said it was easy. Now it's up to us, I guess, to decide what to do next."

John and I waited for Debbie to respond. It took a minute for her to gather herself.

"You should come home. That's all I want. I want you to come home."

John looked at me.

"Do you think that's a good idea? Are we jumping ahead? What if we fight again?"

I had to adjust on the fly. It wasn't difficult.

"I think it's a good idea. We'll spend this session talking it through. There are some things to avoid, some relationship skills you two need to develop. You may fight, you may have unwelcome thoughts, but we'll discuss how to cope with them."

"We need more sessions," Debbie said.

"Yeah, we do," John responded, and again looked to me for my opinion.

"You don't need a court order to see me. Let's complete the eight sessions, then discuss how to continue."

Debbie wiped her eyes and told me, "You saved us."

I didn't save them. Despite not communicating, despite getting so close to the edge their toes were dangling, they didn't let go of each other. They held on, and saved themselves.

It made my heart glad to see them wrapped together on the couch. Some couples need to go their separate ways, even some couples who love each other. Splitting up was not the right outcome for Debbie and John. They would have some difficult days, but that is true for every couple. With a little guidance, patience, and love, they would work through them and come out stronger on the other side.

#

Epilog

I cheated on Debbie. I couldn't undo it; I couldn't take it back. I trained myself to stop thinking that way and stay focused on being a better person and husband. For about six months, we had weekly discussions about how things were going. To be honest, most of our talks were short, 'You OK? Yeah, I'm OK. You OK? Yeah.' Maybe that sounds like we weren't putting the effort in, but we weren't going to invent issues just so we could discuss them. We didn't have some of the classic problems that affect other couples, like taking each other for granted or issues in the bedroom or whatever.

For me, I had to make sure to avoid situations where women would flirt with me. I would never cheat again, but I needed to protect the woman I love from ever worrying about it. Debbie told me that she focused on communication, making sure I understood her and she understood me. Her natural reaction to anger was to keep it in until she couldn't hold it any longer and it burst out. She worked hard to change that.

One day, Debbie saw a woman that reminded her of Emma, and that put her in a sour mood for a few days. At Debbie's company holiday party, I spent way too much energy wondering if one of the guys there was her date. I guess you could say that things between us were very good, but we could still hear echoes of the incident and it would take time until they faded out completely.