Molly and Jess

She asked me, "What's wrong Jackie?"

I told her how I felt. I told her I felt alone and that my life's past made it worse.

She asked, "Why?"

I told her the story about my father and how he committed suicide. I was only twelve. I cried unrelentingly in front of her. No masks. Jess and I were sitting up on top of a picnic table and she hugged me at this moment. She even started to cry as well. We were holding each other and crying! I held the hug longer...amidst all the emotion, I felt incredibly turned on.

She had bigger breasts than I. This was the first time I had really noticed how nice it was to hug another woman and feel your breasts really rub up against each other. Ironic in itself, that I felt this now...in a way, it almost made sense, because this moment brought us so much closer together spiritually. Jess broke the hug.

Jess told me a story. She said, "Remember when I came late to training camp? I was on crutches?"

I racked my brain for the memory. "Yes, I do."

"Jackie, I was late because I was in a horrible situation several days before. I was with my step mom and she's an alcoholic first of all. She's been struggling a lot. Well, she's been depressed as well. It came down to the point where my step mom was going to hang herself. It took every muscle in my body, every ounce of adrenaline and energy to stop her Jackie. It came down to the last second. I was really afraid she was going to succeed. She didn't Jackie. I saved my step mom. In the process, I sprained my ankle, but that doesn't even matter to me. That's why I was late to camp."

My mouth hung open. I was shocked. That's why she told me adrenaline would kick in! Jess's maturity level was deeper than I thought. She and I had been through similar situations. She had been dealing with grief and pain ever since she got here. In fact, she still came to camp after that. The strength she possessed! Wow!

Needless to say, my feelings deepened for Jess by the end of the summer. Jess had a boyfriend just as Molly did. Jess had a long-time boyfriend who I pretty much considered an ass, but she didn't know that. On Jess's and my night off, we decided to hang out – alone, which was just odd, because usually counselors got out in packs. We went to McDonald's while Jess got a bite to eat. I wasn't that hungry. Jess and I shared good conversation.

I was a little nervous, but I didn't really know why. Jess's boyfriend was supposed to meet her in the parking lot. He wasn't sure if he could make it or not. For some reason, I really didn't want him to make it that night. Well, he made it all right. My mood declined considerably at this moment in time.

Jess being so loving and in-tune to things, noticed it immediately. She inquired while in the car, "Are you all right Jackie? You seem unhappy."

I shrugged, "No, no, no...I'm fine, just a little tired you now." I gave off a yawn which seemed to be almost real. I guess Jess bought it. I found out later that summer...that Jess was disgusted by lesbians as well. I had mentioned that Stephanie had sent me this letter that was a little way out there and that she could have the hots for me. I seriously thought she had a crush on me. I daringly proposed the idea to them, to see what they would say. The idea did freak me out, because I could not even stand to be friends with Stephanie. Jess just laughed. She didn't understand lesbian nature.

Anyway, that night in the parking lot, Jess ended up leaving with her boyfriend. I hardly spoke a word when he arrived. I saw them together. I saw reality. It broke my heart and I still had yet to understand why. I knew she and I were good friends, but did I really like her that much? The answer was totally yes.

I saw Jess in her undergarments as well – dressed in a sports bra mostly, when I would accidentally run into the cabin at the wrong time. She looked amazing! Jess ran track and cross country in high school. She was shorter than I, but sexy in every way. Her dark brown eyes and dark brown hair, tan skin. Every part of her was defined.

Jess and I grew apart as the summer wore on. She had her own duties and I had my own. We worked on opposite sides of camp and well we just did not see each other much. She realized this as well and it killed the shit out of me.

Before I ever went to camp, I thought I would never come home. I only live about an hour's drive from the camp. Well, I came home a shit load. There are two reasons for that. One, being that I developed allergies and mistook it for an actual sickness; so, I longed for the comforts of home and Mom. Ha. Second, I wanted to get away. I wanted to escape from reality and have a portal to forget it all. It hurt too much.

What about all that desire and lust? I never realized it till later or even admitted it to myself, but I definitely masturbated thinking about these two girls. When I would go home at night, my hand found my pussy, with images of either Molly or Jess...whoever I particularly crushed on at the moment. I basically gave into the desire, without really knowing the desire. It makes sense if you think about it more. The fingers did the thinking...ha.

Throughout the summer, I was treated like crap by the administration. I've already given the example of my co-counselor. That was enough emotional damage for me. The administration felt that I was the best match to compliment her (because I am the most positive one, just not about myself...ha) out of all the junior female camp counselors. Even though this should have boosted me up, it knocked me down. I felt that this was a detriment to my soul. They knew I was suffering. They had seen me cry various times out of the summer. It didn't matter if I felt miserable...I still had to carry though.

To give you an example of how exhausted I was. On the last day of every week when the campers left, the counselors do a lot of general labor. We would clean the bathrooms, the dining hall, cabins, empty trash, clean the lodge, pick up trash on the grounds, etc. If the work was done sloppily or not even done, we would be held over extra long that night! Trust me, we were all ready to get out there and do our thing to relax, because we would get emotionally and mentally exhausted from being at camp so often.

Well, some people just decide to talk and not participate! I couldn't change their mind, but I would work harder and faster to get the work done on time. After the work is done, we would all have a staff meeting. Dan, the Camp Director, would usually share a few words about the week in general. In this particular staff meeting, he chose to talk about a scholarship for at least twenty minutes....twenty minutes I stress! He talked about the history, the importance of it, who was eligible, and stressed why it was so imperative that we nominate someone.

I did not really get the details down, but I tried to pay attention. I found myself feeling dizzy and extremely exhausted. I was sitting in one position primarily for that length of time. When he finally finished, I attempted to stand up, and you would not believe what happened! I literally tripped and almost fainted! It was extremely weird, because that has only happened to me once – after I gave blood.

The attention I got was crazy. Counselors were checking on me – making sure I was okay. That is when Molly came to check on me! :-)! My heart could only beat faster in response. She brought me a water, told me to sit down, and relax...to breathe, to get oxygen in my brain. She told me she could even drive me home, but I told her I would be fine and wouldn't expect her to give up her night to do that. I did end up driving home and made it safely. That is what one week did to me.

Anyway, I was supposed to stay there ten weeks. I never made it that last week, one of the most important weeks of all – for terminally ill children. I wanted to stay there so bad, to get the full experience! To better myself! My last day of camp was a mixed bag and let me tell you about it...

The morning started out great. I had dish duty and well then I was informed that I was life guarding for the swim tests. So, with no time to kill, I hurried my ass to my cabin, changed, and made it down there. There were already four counselors out there ready to go. They didn't need me and I not only hurried, but changed for nothing! What a waste of time! I left angry...and it was obvious from my pace and facial expressions.

Upon getting to my cabin, I cried. That whole summer that's all I did – overachieve. Go beyond. Give 110%! Now, I could no longer give 110%!! I had given my soul to this place and this is what I get back? Yes, I cared for my campers and peers. I have many memories with them that I will never forget!! They as well! I had been negating a lot of my own needs all summer...to be selfless, to help others and I had gone too far. Tears just ran out of my eyes. I was succumbing finally. Erica, a decent friend of mine, just sat there staring at me and just said, "I know. I really know."

She had my attention. "What?" I said with impatience.

"You like her."

"Who?"

"Jess."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." She really did know, but I wasn't going to give in. Erica was known to not be trusted. She was a severe alcoholic in my opinion and loved to get attention. Things could go worse – if I confessed. Besides, I had really liked Molly at the time, not Jess.

Nevertheless, she knew of how much work I had put in and we talked for awhile about my aggravation with camp, how the administration had treated me, and my weariness.

She suggested, "Jackie, you need to tell the administration how you feel. You need to go straight to Dan and ask to go home."

"But I can't do that –.."

"Jackie, I knew you would react this way..."

Dan was walking towards us. "But Erica.."

Dan asked Erica if she had seen one of the counselors.

Erica said, "No, but I know Jackie needs to talk to you later. It's really important"

My jaw dropped as my eyes got bigger.

Dan could see the tears in my eyes. He said,

"Okay, I'll make sure to talk to you later Jackie when I get some things done."

About an hour later, while I was working hard at the High Ropes Course, Dan found me and asked if I would take a moment to talk to him. The High Ropes Course was already busy, and I felt guilty just for taking a moment to talk to him. If I left for the week, they were going to be swamped even more. They would need me! Could I really leave? Leave Molly and Jess?

Dan and I sat on that bench for maybe a total of five minutes talking. He asked me simple questions like "What's wrong?"

I told him simply that I did not feel appreciated and that I was worn out considerably. When I told this all to him, I felt incredibly vulnerable and just let the tears flow from my eyes. I felt embarrassed to begin concerning my predicament; now, even more, with all the tears in front of strangers, my peers, and my very own boss. He was more than willing to let me go, because of my condition. Ironically, he automatically assumed I would be working next year. I did not know how to reply, but just decided to let him believe that then upset him with more unsettling news. I did not plan on coming back after the way they treated me. Ha!

Word transferred around quick that that would be my last day on camp. I was already packing my items up. When Molly found out, she completely did her freakish hillbilly scream and hugged me. All I could do was laugh. We would be performing our very last Opening Campfire that night. We did our thing by gathering up the costumes, and introducing the crazy skits. Many people enjoyed it as expected. After that, we put up the costumes, but decided to go for a little golf ride into the woods! Well, I should say that Molly was the instigator in this.

She drove up and down steep hills, crossed unknown paths, and took me to the open horse field. We screamed, hollered, and laughed dozens of times. I could not forget the depressing day I had more easily. All worries left my little soul. At one point in our journey, Molly ran dead end into a cornfield (the corn had grown pretty darn high). She apparently lost all her worries as well when she rode straight into the cornfield before she stopped about quarter of the way and said, "Do you think I should have gone around?"

We were wearing trash bags to prevent us from getting ticks and other parasites. I laughed out loud as I looked behind me. A large path of corn had been damaged in the process! Was this farmer going to be mad! The field was not owned by camp.

"Shit Molly! We're going to get in trouble!"

"Shhh Jackie! Don't say anything. This is our little secret."

I couldn't help but laugh more as Molly put the cart into reverse and got the fuck out of there. As it was getting dark, we ended our journey and put the golf cart back up. My car was already packed, when I was about ready to leave. Molly asked, "You're going to say good bye to everyone aren't you?"

I looked at her, raised my eyebrows and said,

"Should I? I mean, I don't want to bother people."

"Jackie, people are going to miss you!"

"Oh, Okay. I guess I will." After all the stress, I honestly really had not thought about saying goodbyes.

Molly volunteered, "I'll go around with you as you say your goodbyes."

I didn't know quite what to say, but I certainly couldn't reject the kind offer. For the next twenty minutes or so, I said all my little goodbyes to everyone that I could find around camp. I wasn't crying yet, but I had a feeling I would be. Once I said my goodbyes, I realized that Molly was still with me and I had yet to say goodbye to her.

She climbed in my car with me and asked to be dropped off at her boyfriend's cabin. I could not refuse. Upon stopping at our designation, Molly started, "I hate saying goodbyes. You have meant so much to me recently. Thank you so much. You are so awesome and so caring. I love you so much girl." Tears had already started falling out of her eyes. Tears swam out of mine as well. This was the second time I was crying today. Molly reached over the middle console to hug me.

I hugged her back and replied, "I love you Molly and will miss you."

I don't know who was the first to let go, but one of us did as the other did as well. We laughed at the awkwardness of the situation when Molly finally did leave. "Bye," was all I could get out of my throat.

I turned the car around and headed home. That drive was one hell of a drive home for me. Part of me just wanted to turn back and stay to finish off the summer. I wanted to be honest, but I knew I wasn't prepared for that. I knew that I had a lot to think about and a lot to discover about myself.

Looking back after a year, I learned, felt, experienced, and dealt with so much that summer. It's taken me a whole year to process that summer, because it was so intense (look how long this story is...ha!). I know I could have dealt with the situations I was in a thousand times better, but that's the point of being young -to make mistakes, to learn more about yourself, to learn how to deal...and try again.

I learned most importantly that feelings will always be there. You can't change how you feel! You can try to work as hard as you want and to block out as much as you want, but you never can rid yourself of feelings.

Homosexuality is so beautiful in its own way that many people miss the beauty of it. My perspective has changed drastically after a year. Now when I see pictures of women holding each other, kissing, etc., I am amazed and in awe not only by their inner and outer beauty, but also by the amazing strong love they share! I can see the love in their eyes when I look at such a picture! Right now, I can only dream of having companionship in my future days! Thank you for reading this rather different story!