Money for Nothing

One advantage of being poor is an uncomplicated divorce. About two months after ours was final, my life consisted of my dead-end job and a series of mindless one-night stands. The extra money I now had was wisely spent on going out with friends again. Through the grapevine I heard that Laura had married Oliver as soon as our divorce was final. At least she had been decent enough not to invite me or to contact me in any other way. I can't say that it didn't affect me, but I was pleased to see that it didn't destroy me, either, as long as I didn't have to see her, talk to her or have the wound reopened in any other way.

All in all, I was rather busy aimlessly drifting through a meaningless life when my ringing doorbell changed things again.

Laura. Fuck. Looking more beautiful than ever. I wanted to just slam the door shut, but I knew my arm would refuse to obey the orders from my mind. She annoyed me a bit by ignoring my indecision and breezing past me as if she still lived there. She pretended to inspect the apartment for a few seconds before she turned around and looked me in the eyes. She tried to appear confident, but I knew her well enough to see through it. She was tense, maybe even more than I was. Finally, she pointed at me.

"You. Bedroom. Now."

I just tilted my head and looked at her as if she had two of them.

"Have you gone dumb while I was away? I need sex and I need it now, Lucas. Do I need to beg?"

Instead of answering, I grabbed my phone and started a specific song.

"Okay. No need to beg, I'm in."

"The problem is all inside your head", she said to me.

She either didn't get the reference or pretended not to.

The answer is easy if you take it logically.

"Yippie!" she shouted rather cutely and jumped into my arms.

There must be fifty ways to leave your lover.

As I had gotten used to with my one-night stands, I grabbed a condom first. She frowned, but wisely decided against mentioning it.

I'd like to say that the sex was awesome, but it wasn't, at least for me. I had too much on my mind and that never helps. For her? I have no idea. She seemed to be enthusiastic, but came across as frantic, thus adding to the stuff going on in my head.

We didn't talk at all. She just ravished me so vigorously that I was afraid parts of my body would be missing afterwards. She was either totally starved for good sex or she was putting on some kind of show for me.

Afterwards, I let her snuggle on my shoulder, like she used to do when we were married. Paul Simon had stopped long ago. Not to brag, but I left her a quivering mass, as I always had. It made me feel good that I was still able to ring her bells quite thoroughly.

"Why?" she asked.

"Isn't that what I should ask you?"

"Oh, in my case it's easy. I missed you so much that it almost hurt. I also missed the great sex. Oliver is a good guy, but... I don't want to talk smack... I..."

"No need to tell me about the awesome sex the two of you have."

"Thanks," she innocently replied, ignoring my sarcasm like she did when we were married. "So you know why I'm here. I will take what I can get. The question is, why are you giving it to me?"

Having her in my abode reminded me of how much I missed her, too, but I wasn't about to admit that. That wasn't the reason for me giving in anyway.

"Payback," I said while starting the song again.

"The problem is all inside your head", she said to me.

"Payback?"

"Yeah. He stole my wife. Bought her, actually..."

There must be fifty ways to leave your lover.

"I see. This is your way to get back at him."

"Yes." And at you, I thought, but didn't say it.

Fifty ways to leave your lover.

"That song seems familiar," she remarked, but apparently hadn't realized that it had played the night she'd left me.

"Yup."

"I don't like it that much."

I never liked it either, even before it had become the sound track of her exit from my home and my life. I chose it to remind me of her betrayal, but I wasn't about to tell her. It helped me to keep her at arm's length, emotionally.

"Oh, I have to go. Oliver will be home soon."

"Okay." Damn. I really wanted to remain aloof and unaffected. Unfortunately, thinking about her happy domestic life with that Olli asshat still hurt. He was the one who'd spend the night with her. He'd be the father of her children. He'd grow old with her. Even after the way she left me, I envied him. Laura was just the woman for me. I was afraid that no one would ever really be able to replace her.

"Umm, Lucas?"

"Yeah?"

"This wasn't a one off, I hope?"

"Let's wait and see."

"Great, you won't regret it," she replied as if I had already agreed. I probably had.

Just four days later, her little Porsche Boxster was parked in front of the apartment and her head was lying on my shoulder again.

You don't need to discuss much.

"Lucas, this was marvelous."

I just agreed by nodding.

"But this song..."

"Hmm?"

"I don't like it."

"Hmm."

"Why do you play it all the time."

"Why not?"

"Lucas, it was playing while we had that talk, right?"

"Hmm."

"I remembered after I left last time."

"Hmm."

"Why do you want to hear it? Why do you want to pick at that old wound?"

"What the fuck? What do you think? Because it's still open and bleeding, that's why." I sat up angrily, pushing her off my shoulder. "What do you think? You coldly left me for more money. You left me behind like... like... I don't know... Ah, fuck..."

"Lucas," she softly replied. "Don't think for a second that it didn't hurt me just as much. I just couldn't go on..."

"Ah, fuck, I don't care. I don't want to hear about your greed. About the posh life you're leading now. You'd better go."

She just nodded and dressed wordlessly.

"Lucas..." she started when she was about to leave, but she obviously couldn't think of anything appropriate to say. I knew that she wanted to say that she still loved me. I had to admit that she really did, at least somewhat; she looked miserable enough to confirm it. This didn't change anything. She had decided for him and his money and against me, and all the great sex couldn't change the fact that our dream marriage was history.

I thought that our sordid little affair would have come to an end after that, but I was wrong. A few days later, she was at my door again and we continued as if nothing happened. She didn't complain about Paul Simon anymore, but I stopped playing that song every time, mostly because it stirred up too many unwanted memories in me.

Her visits had become more and more frequent until we had sex almost on a daily basis. I lacked the energy and motivation to keep up my one-night stands with other women, although it would have been fully within my rights.

"Tomorrow?" she asked as she opened the door while still looking back towards me. That was why she couldn't see who was standing behind it, but I could. After a brief moment of surprise, I was laughing inside. Outside my door was a very unhappy Olli. Laura turned around and shrieked briefly.

"Oliver!" she said, just in case he had forgotten his name.

"Laura," he returned the favor.

Once the names were established, they seemed to run out of things to say, which reduced the entertainment value a bit.

"Let's go," Laura said after a while. "Let's not discuss this here."

I would have loved to hear what followed, but they left without another word. I can't say that I was filled with schadenfreude, as I had expected I would be when the inevitable happened. I tried to convince myself that the scene left me unaffected and that the only downside was that I'd definitely lose my fuck buddy now. That was okay, I told myself. There were others. But they weren't Laura.

About a week later, Laura sighed contently as her head was lying on my shoulder yet again. The whole "hubby finds out" incident wasn't mentioned at all. I wondered if they had come to some sort of agreement or if she just continued to cheat. I knew her. She wasn't cold enough to hurt someone she liked by cheating on him. Either she didn't really like him, he didn't mind that she had a lover, or they had an open marriage. Being a man, I wasn't curious, but I really wanted to know what was going on.

"Will our agreement change?" I tentatively started to fish for more information.

"No."

She obviously didn't want to elaborate on it, but she sensed that I wanted a bit more.

"Lucas, I don't want to hurt him. He has done nothing wrong..."

"Apart from stealing you away from me."

"No, that wasn't him. It was me who wanted to leave. I still love you..."

"No!" I shouted. I didn't want to hear this.

"Sorry. Anyway, I just couldn't stand the situation anymore. Oliver just came along conveniently. He's done nothing wrong. He never wanted me to cheat on you before I left you, and I wouldn't have anyway."

"Hmm." Damn, she really had behaved correctly, I had to admit that. She had been fully within her rights to leave me, for whatever reason, as long as she didn't cheat, which she hadn't. I wasn't about to admit any of that, though.

"Lucas, I hate to cheat on him now, but somehow that's not how I see it. You're still my mate for life."

"Then you're now cheating on me."

"No! Well... I don't know. We're not married. It's complicated. For some reason, I have no problem cheating on him as long as it is with you, my true love. I would never have cheated on you while we were married. And I know that doesn't make any sense."

"It doesn't," I agreed, but whether it made sense or not, I understood her exactly. Although I had to admit that he hadn't done much wrong, I refused to pity Olli. I was still hurting, I needed a villain, and if it couldn't be Laura, it had to be him.

The doorbell rang as it so often did in the afternoon and I opened it, expecting a stunningly beautiful ex-wife. Instead, Olli's decidedly less beautiful, but unhappy small form greeted me. I briefly checked to see that he was unarmed. He wasn't that kind of guy, but these days, you never know.

"Olli. What do you want? She's not here."

"I know. It's Oliver, please. May I come in? I have a few things to discuss with you."

"I don't want to be impolite, but I don't give a shit about things you might have to discuss, Olli," I answered, closing the door again impolitely.

"Wait. Please, Lucas, I assure you it would be to your advantage."

"I'm not interested."

"Money."

"What?"

"I have money. And you don't."

"True. So, you're about to give me some of yours?"

"Maybe. Please, may I come in?"

Well, I could indeed use a little cash infusion, so I reluctantly let him inside, trying to not feel ashamed about how the apartment must appear to a guy as filthy rich as he was.

"So?" I started the conversation without offering a drink or polite exchange.

"Let's make this short. Five hundred thousand if you agree to never have sex with her again."

Holy fuck, was this dude serious? He was willing to pay me to stay away from my ex, to stop having sex with his wife? We had ventured deep into bizarro-land. I decided to buy myself some time to restart my brain by testing the waters a bit.

"That's a lot to ask for," I answered, pretending to be deeply in thought. Which I wasn't, to be honest, as I was still too surprised. "Let's say I meet her when we're 80 and you're long dead..."

"I understand, that's reasonable," he agreed as if I was an observant businessman in a negotiation. I still couldn't take any of this seriously. "So, no sex with Laura as long as I'm living and married to her."

"I don't know, man," I continued, pretending to actually believe the shit he was sprouting. "You see, I really enjoy the sex with her. You surely know how great her body is... I mean, that ass alone, damn..."

He looked exactly as pained as I had wanted him to.

"Stop this. We're in a business negotiation. Those details are completely irrelevant," he stated, trying to be formal. Irrelevant or not, it was fun to see him squirm. "Believe me, I know all about her becoming physique. Seven fifty. That's my last offer."

"I don't know. I just don't know," I answered, as if really in deep thought. "I really love how vocal she is when she comes big-time. You know how it sounds, don't you? Or maybe you don't. Anyway, I think I choose Laura. I especially like it when she starts screaming my name over and over..."

This is really entertaining, I thought. To be honest, I was still not taking any of this seriously. I just enjoyed torturing the guy who had stolen my wife.

"A million. Think about it. One million Euro. You're good-looking. So damn good-looking, I can't compete with that. You also have this sex thing down pat. I can't compete with you in that regard, either. But Lucas, please believe me when I say that I really love her and that her continued sexual relationship with you is slowly killing me. I can't stand this anymore. Please, I beg you to stop. Just accept the million; it's a terrific offer."

Oliver really looked pained, I had to admit that. The poor sod really had it bad for her, and she obviously didn't for him. I thought my life was shitty, but was I ever glad not to be in his shoes. My merciful feelings were still a bit hampered by the detail that he had contributed to destroying a happy marriage just because he could, though I knew it was not that simple. I tried to keep pretending that he was the villain in this piece, although the broken pile of human misery in front of me didn't really look the part. A confident bald dude with metal teeth, an eyepatch and a furry white cat would have made a better target. I just hoped he wouldn't start to cry. Pity for the bad guy in this drama was the last thing I needed.

One million. I'd sure be able to buy that new iPhone. Wait, what? A million? I had never been good at math, which probably contributed to the mess I was in. But a million? Seriously? That was a life changing amount of money. For the first time in this conversation I began to seriously think about what was at stake. A chill ran through me, taking the fun out of this charade.

Wait a moment, did this make me some kind of prostitute? Could someone be a whore by taking money to NOT have sex? Hardly. Prostitution or not, this was plain bizarre.

Olli saw that I was contemplating his offer and watched me silently, waiting for my verdict. I held all the cards and was in no hurry at all.

On one side of the scale in front of me was a completely new life. One million Euro. If I took this path, I was determined to not fuck things up for a change. I would not spend that money on booze, women, fast cars and squander the rest. It would mean taking responsibility. Working hard. Planning the road ahead. Not being deterred. Pulling things through. Maybe even growing up. Like buying a business and making it succeed. Working hard, wearing suits. Damn. Suits. I was afraid my body would repel them immediately.

It would also mean living a good life, like others did. Having the things I wanted, not being the doormat of society anymore.

On the other side of the scale was Laura. What was she to me these days? Did I still love her? Hmm. I had loved her completely until the evening she walked out on me. Yes, we had issues and we had fights, and she had to put up with my brain farts, but I loved her. Our love was enough to cover all that, I had been sure. Until it wasn't.

Loving her wasn't good for me. It only reminded me of the pain I felt when she left me, so I'd been trying to stop. I was pretty sure that wasn't working. If I didn't care about her anymore, why did it matter that Olli had her and I didn't? Why was I torturing this poor little insignificant-looking millionaire, and enjoying it so much?

I had to admit Laura was a fantastic fuck-buddy. She was every bit as good as I'd been describing to Olli. Yes, I could find other fantastic fuck buddies, and I had done so, but even if they were as beautiful as Laura, they weren't her. For the last few weeks, I'd been exclusive with her, while she was married to Olli. How weird is that?

Laura had traded love for money. She didn't want to be poor anymore, so she had found some rich guy, let him fall in love with her, and left me for him. She didn't love him; I was sure of it. So what did that make her? And why couldn't I get her out of my heart?

"Ah, I don't know. I really still love her. I think I might win her back through sex."

I was only half pretending.

Stopping things with Laura was probably the best solution, anyway. I was still playing the comfortable role of the wounded party. We both needed to move on. She had dumped me, but tried to cling to me, nonetheless. This relationship was clearly going nowhere. So why didn't I just agree? Because I wanted to milk him to the max. I had switched into negotiation mode, which was a first for me.

"Ah, come on..." he whined. I had hurt him with what I said, probably expressing his greatest fear.

"It's an interesting offer, Olli, but I think I prefer continuing to fuck her brains out on a regular basis. As you can see, money is not really that important for me." Seeing him in agony really made my day. I'd never had a sadistic streak in me, at least I never thought I did, but I realized that I still needed a bit of payback. And I couldn't deny that this felt good.

"Lucas, please think about it. A million Euro. Just like that."

"Yeah, but I'd have to pay taxes. And I really enjoy seeing her beautiful face in total ecstasy. You're probably very familiar with the sight," I cruelly said, fully aware that he'd surely never seen her like that. My words led to the desired pained expression on his face.

"1.250.000 to compensate for the taxes. Seriously, man. That's my last offer."

"Nah, we're not related. The tax will be 50 percent..." I stated, without being encumbered with any actual knowledge about it.

"What?" he interrupted me surprisingly forcefully. "How much do you want? How long do you want to keep torturing me? What do you want? What? Tell me!" He was getting surprisingly loud and aggressive now. The mouse was roaring, and it was fun to watch.

"You think I should have mercy?" I calmly replied. "On you? The man who bought my wife?"

"What's the difference? You used your good looks; I used my money. I at least earned it, while you got it for free."

I was unsure whether he had a point there, but even if he had, I'd never admit it.

"So, how much?" he continued sternly.

"One point five."

"You're crazy."

"So 1.500.000 is crazy, but 1.250.000 isn't?"

"One and a quarter is my limit. I told you."

"You told me before that 750 was your last offer. Your final limits seem flexible as hell. You don't have the money?"

"Boy, I have more than 50 million available on short term alone."

"So, she's not worth it?"

That shut him up.

"There's going to be a contract, Lucas. The penalty for breaching the contract is going to be three million."

"No problem." Seriously? He had just agreed to pay me one and a half million for staying away from the woman who had left me anyway? Cool.

"Deal. My lawyer will contact you with the paperwork. Ah, and Lucas, another condition is: not a word about this to Laura as long as we're married. This will also be part of the contract."

"Okay. And Olli..."

"Oliver, please."

"The agreement is not valid until the money is in my account. You better hurry. She might be here any time." We had an agreement, but that sure didn't stop me from being a cruel little bastard. Well, a cruel big bastard, actually. He was still a wife-stealing asshole and deserved no mercy. This piece needed a villain, and he was it, despite Laura saying she'd started it and he hadn't done anything wrong.