Moon Witch Ch. 15

"You're going to be okay?" He asks.

I nod, feeling nervous energy flit through me. Part of that nervousness is my questioning of whether this is what I'm supposed to be doing, but another part of that is the mix of grief and despair that lurks beneath it all. "I think I'm ready."

Eryx pushes open the door, and as I follow in after him, the scent of the death that happened here permeating every one of my senses. At the same time, I can sense her life energy. It's not as if there are pockets of warmth in the room, like what I experienced with Eryx when I saved him, but I can just feel the residue of her joyful presence dancing around me. It's an absurd dichotomy that fades away in the wave of grief that rises within me, overtaking me.

A strong, warm pair of arms wrap around my shoulders, and I realize that I've fallen to my knees with tears streaming down my face. How much time has passed?

"Hey." He says. Eryx. "You know why you're here."

I nod, not trusting my own voice.

For Era, I say to myself, closing my eyes and bolstering myself with the memory of her smiling face.

I don't know how Re'aila ever wrote about life magic and how she uses it. In a way, I guess she didn't. It's not like she ever left me any instructions, nor could I imagine what those instructions look like. It's like I stumbled upon another dimension that's always been there, I just wasn't aware of it, like if a blind person were suddenly able to see.

I can't quite explain how I interact with the life energy around me. It feels as natural to me as walking where I want to go, or even just breathing - in a sense, my body just knows what to do. I know that I'm breathing in, drawing in Era's life energy. I know when I'm done and that it's gone from around me.

There's a bittersweetness when I consider that her power is contributing to my own power. Somehow, the thought of it makes my grief less overwhelming, like absorbing her into myself has lent me strength in the midst of losing her.

Afterwards, I feel a bit uncertain about what to do. After last night I can barely look at Eryx in the face, though when we woke up, we both pretended like nothing had happened. I had gotten the feeling in the morning that he'd wanted to bring it up, but I quickly changed the subject and hoped that he wouldn't press the matter too much. In response, he'd respected my wishes, but the air between us still feels fraught with what remains unspoken.

"I suppose we should talk about what to do now," I say to Eryx. I know that the two most sensible answers would be to either talk about yesterday and where it all leaves us, or our plans to return to Gra'marah, but I still have hope that what he says will be neither of those.

When he turns towards me, I see it on his face. He doesn't really want to return either. But still, he speaks, "We both know it's coming."

I sigh. "You're right."

"Selene, I-"

"What do you think we might need for our journey back?" I say, cutting him off. We both know by the heat rising on my face that it was intentional, to stop him from bringing up last night's events.

"I suppose it's all dependent on what our plan is. Do you have any ideas?" I send a prayer of thanks to the gods that Eryx is so respectful of my wants, even if to a fault.

"Well, I guess the end goal is to bring Azrath down. Do you think it's necessary to kill him?"

Eryx frowns. "Maybe. I don't know how things are right now, but if word has gotten out about the new partnership with the Eastern Isles, he may be a great deal less popular now than before we'd left."

"Is there any way to take advantage of that? Are Gra'marians prone to uprisings or rebellions to any degree?"

"That's... Actually not the worst idea." He nods along. "If anything, I think that it shouldn't be too difficult to at least make the people more angry, and at the least that would put more pressure on the crown to do something to appease them. Knowing Azrath, though, there will be a very fine line between success and failure. If we're successful, he'll probably try to do enough damage control to keep the people happy, and we might be able to leverage the situation to our advantage. But if not..."

"We'll probably be taken captive?" I offer.

He looks at me. "There will be a lot of death in the streets. But yes, you and I... If it at all gets out our role through it all, I'd be staring death in the face. For you, though. Well, I'm sure you can imagine just a bit of what things would look like for you."

Memories surface of my time with the king and his women, being tied down and whipped, my pussy being used dry until my whole body is sore and bruised. Despite the pleasure they ripped from me, I would never want to relive any part of the rough experiences they put me through. "That's the last thing I want to imagine."

He gives me a crooked smile. "Me neither. After all, when you're the one dictating your pleasure, it's sexy as fuck."

I cover my face with my hands, feeling my stomach squeeze at the shadowy memories of Eryx stimulating me with his tongue. "Please!"

He laughs, then, the sound feeling unfamiliar in my ears. He grabs my hands and gently pushes them down from my face so I'm looking up at him, embarrassed. "Don't worry, I enjoyed myself. And for the record, anytime you need some help falling asleep, you can be sure I'm ready to offer my services for the next queen of Gra'marah."

His tone is casual, but I can also detect the undercurrent of sincerity that runs through them. I recognize what he's offering, and it's more than just his mouth on me. Even though I'm completely mortified at the conversation we're having, on the inside I feel flattered by his words.

"Okay," I whisper. What he said last night washes over me. Sometimes it's okay to be selfish.

There's a part of me that feels guilty, though. I just don't have it in me to give him what he wants, to let him hear the answer to his question from days ago that he so sorely needs to hear. If I'm accepting intimacy and comfort, the safety of his arms that he's offering me, then... It would be so unfair to withhold my heart from him.

"You know, there's not necessarily a time limit on when we need to get back," says Eryx. "How do you feel about taking a day trip to the city?"

Is it really me withholding my heart if I just can't say the words? Or perhaps it's deeper than that - I'm keeping my heart just out of reach, from this man who I'm so attracted to yet am so terrified of. I'm scared of giving myself to him, but I'm equally as scared of losing him.

I push down all my doubts, though, seeing his question for what it really is. It's an out, just a couple more days of staying in Sorrea, ignoring the things that we really ought to be attending to. "That sounds delightful."

And so we take our sweet time getting ready. There's not too much to do before leaving, but I still take my time, relishing properly brushing my teeth with my beloved boar hair brush. Eryx sticks with the Gra'marian paste. We run a bath and wash ourselves. Eryx insists that I bathe first, and as I strip down in the washroom I chastise myself for the intrusive thoughts that flares up, what it would be like if we were to be in here together.

I soak in the tub, feeling like I'm able to breathe for the first time in days.

Yesterday, it was as if something broke inside of me. I didn't even know that I had it in me to be the way I was. I almost wish I were under the influence, so I could blame my actions on alcohol or drugs. But really, the sobering reality was that the way that Eryx talked about sex, as an escape and distraction from all the anxieties running nonstop through my head, it all seemed so appealing.

The closest thing I'd experienced in the past was probably my time with Azrath, copious amounts of lembi running through my system. I knew the effect that it had on me, and that a lot of my thoughtlessness, my ability to just give and take pleasure without thinking much of it, was because of that lembi.

Until Eryx's words yesterday, it hadn't really occurred to me that maybe part of that escapism I experienced was because of sex and the way my body accepts it all, rather than the lembi. Azrath's words from once upon a time play in my ears. Maybe I am a natural, whatever that means.

My stomach flutters when I recall the feeling of Eryx's thick fingers stretching me open.

I close my eyes, soaking in the glow of yesterday's feelings.

There is one thing he said that I have to disagree with, though. Eryx said that part of the intoxicating nature of sex is being wanted. I can think back to my times under Azrath, the strangers that enjoyed my body in Gra'marah's city square. Sure, I was wanted. My body was wanted. I can even go as far as to say that a lot of the time there was pleasure in the distraction of my body being used.

But at the same time, it'd be unfair to not admit that yesterday for the first time I felt genuinely wanted. It was because it was Eryx doing those things, making me feel those things.

I sigh, laying my head back and staring up at the ceiling.

His words about being selfish ring in my ears. The weight of my mission and the death of my sister still weigh over me. But today, I'm being selfish, and maybe being selfish really isn't the worst thing ever.

When I finish washing myself, Eryx quickly follows suit, and then we set off towards the city.

---

The city is just as I remember it. At this time of day, it seems all of Sorrea has gathered here.

Since Gra'marah is way smaller of a country, it's a little odd but not at all unheard of for people of obviously different races to be in the city. In Sorrea, though, I know that I'm standing out intensely. I can see peoples' eyes tracking my face as Selene and I walk together. Although a large part of it probably is related to the fact that I'm still in my Gra'marian robes. I make a mental note to myself that next time I come this way, I should probably dress for the occasion.

It's been a while since I've been here, but I have to admit that I didn't miss the way that I was always singled out compared to those around me.

"Oh, let's stop in here!" Says Selene, bounding through the traffic of tightly packed people moving past the front of a shop. She pushes the door open and I follow her in, finding a dark interior with a distinctly herbal scent.

The walls are wooden, lined with compartments full of different herbs and plants. Some are dried, some seem to be relatively fresh. Then there's a section of medicines, little bottles lined up on the shelf with little handwritten cards with details about what's in each bottle.

"Selene!" Comes a smooth voice. I look up to see a bearded man with his arms crossed, a bit on the beefy side. He's got his dark hair tied up in a little ponytail, and I have to stifle the little internal snicker that comes up. Sorrean fashion has always been so odd to me. "It's been too long."

"Collin!" Selene says. She goes up to the shopkeep and the two embrace. "It's so great to see you."

"And who is this with you?" Asks Collin.

I step forward to introduce myself. "The name's Erik."

I see Selene frown at my words, but she shakes it away before explaining. "He's from Gra'marah. He's escorted me back to Sorrea."

"You were in Gra'marah? Sounds like ya been having quite the adventure then! And how 'bout Era? She with you all this time?"

The change in mood feels nearly palpable. Selene looks down. "Actually, no. She's uh... No longer with us."

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that." He pauses for a bit, then places his hand on her arm so that she looks up towards him. "And how are ya doin' through it all?"

I have to tamp down my visceral dislike for his contact with her. It occurs to me my jealousy is ridiculous when he's trying to be comforting about her dead sister, but it's not one of those things that's easy to control.

I can't quite see Selene's face from where I'm standing, by I can imagine her face when she softly says, "I'm trying my best. You know she was my whole world."

Collin wraps his arms around Selene once more and then presses his lips to the crown of her head, and it takes everything in me to watch it happen. "It's okay to grieve. Ya lemme know if there's anythin' ya need, ya hear?"

"Thank you, Collin. I've never forgotten all that you've done for us."

"Anytime," he says, patting her on the shoulder. "Actually, I got some stuff I can give ya. Two of ya look 'round, get comfortable, and I'll be right back."

Collin disappears somewhere to the back, and Selene looks back at me. "After my parents died and it was just me and Era, Collin was one of the reasons why we made it through that winter. He would give me extra leftovers from his family, give me extras of the things I'd come here to buy when I needed ingredients, and just overall help me in my time of need. He bought the medicines I made and stocked them, even though he could've procured them for much cheaper from elsewhere. He was the big brother I never thought I'd have growing up."

A ghost of a smile plays around her lips as she recalls their history, and I feel ashamed of the jealousy that was way too ready to surface. "I'm glad that you had him. It sounds like he is an honorable man."

"I was glad too. Didn't help that I thought he was a very good looking boy, too." She laughs, then lowers her voice. "It's embarrassing to admit, but back then I thought that I was in love with him. Went as far as bringing him sweet little gifts, in the way that one does when they're young."

Just then, Collin reappears, leaving me pathetically with a resurgence of that jealousy. "Here's this." He sets on the counter a little vial full of green pills.

"What is this?" Asks Selene, picking it up and shaking it so all the pills inside rattle.

"I know it ain't really my place to comment or anythin' but, with all I seen about grief and how it affects everyone, I know sometimes people have a hard time and all. This is what we give when someone's just not been themselves. Helps them feel better, and all that. Not sayin' you need to! But if you think it might be helpful, then it's yours to take."

"Oh." I can hear the thoughtfulness in her voice as she looks closely at the little bottle. "Thank you, Collin. I appreciate this very much."

"No problem," he says with a smile.

"How much is it?"

He waves off her words as if he doesn't have the time. "You know I don't need to make no money off you, Selene. Just make sure you take one every day. Come back and talk to me if it don't work, alright?"

"Sounds good," says Selene, slipping the vial into the pocket of her pants. "Thank you again, Collin."

"No problem." Collin smiles at her. "Now, anythin' I can help ya out with? What brings ya here?"

"Oh, we were just visiting the city a bit. We're actually going to be doing some traveling in a couple days and I was wondering if you still sold any of those little sweetnut snacks we used to get all the time?"

And so by the time we leave, we've got way too many packets of her sweetnut snacks and have looked around the store, with Selene pointing out different ingredients and explaining to me their medicinal properties. She and Collin reminisce frequently, leaving me feeling just a bit out of place as they talk about the past. Of course, there are plenty of times when I know Selene is thinking of her family and of Era as we take our time walking around the shop, because that's when her face looks troubled and heavy.

She crunches on some of her sweetnut mix as we walk down the street, away from Collin's shop.

"I thought those were supposed to be for our journey." When I speak Selene looks at me mid crunch as if I've offended her.

"You can have some too, you know." I begrudgingly accept some in my palm, and she smiles before continuing. "They really are for our travel back. I just couldn't resist eating some now. Back then, it's not like I had a horse of my own to travel back and forth between the city. So when I came to the city I would be gone from home all day. When I returned home late in the night, Era would hug me and then immediately go to my pack to dig out some sweetnut packets. Even when she got a bit older, she'd make sure to remind me every time I left to get some from Collin. When he caught on that they were our favorite, he started passing them off to me free of charge. When I refused, he'd find creative little ways to make sure I was taking a whole bunch home regardless. Era was practically beside herself with excitement."

We've come to the fountain of the outer circle, and in the light of the bright Sorrean sun I see Selene practically glowing with the smile of her nostalgia.

"He was always taking care of us. He was only a few years older, but I think that he saw us growing up without parents and pitied us greatly. And even now, he wants to take care of me."

Her voice is softer now as she pulls out the vial of green pills from her pocket.

"Do you think you're going to use them?"

She looks at them closely, seemingly lost in thought. Finally, she answers, "I might have to. From what he said earlier right before we left, it sounds like it might dull my emotions and all the sadness I'm experiencing. Maybe... Maybe that would be helpful."

"Maybe." I look at those little pills. "It certainly seems too good to be true. I've seen a lot of nasty side effects from what other people use to dull their emotions."

"I don't think he'd be giving me anything that's dangerous," she says. Then, with determination on her face she pulls a pill from the vial and pops it into her mouth, chewing and then swallowing it down. She makes a face. "Ugh. Apart from how bitter it is, I guess it remains to be seen."

"I hope it makes you feel better." I say, sincere. I think of her fitful dreams and those far off looks that are constantly on her face.

The rest of the day seems to pass much too quickly. I'd never quite gotten the impression that she'd spent much time in the city, but she seemed not to run out of things to talk about and show me as we walked around.

It felt a little bit like what I imagined if she came to the children's festival in Gra'marah with me after all. I soaked in her excitement throughout the day and relished in the little smile she gave when I bought her a pastry I saw her eyeing. Even though we couldn't quite escape the journey back to Azrath and the looming task ahead of us, there was a beauty in taking a break from worrying about it all, to let ourselves get distracted.

"Is it ridiculous that I don't even want to go back home? I feel like this is the first day in so long that I've really been able to enjoy myself." Selene walks next to me. We bought some fruit that would keep over a few days of travel, and Selene has her arms wrapped around the round basket they're in. Every few steps our arms brush against each other and I have to chastise myself for how much I want to put my arm around her waist and pull her close to me.

"Let's stay here for another night, then."

Selene smiles. "As if."

"No, I'm serious." I put a hand on her arm and she turns to look at me. "Don't worry, I have more than enough to pay for it. We can head back tomorrow morning."

"It doesn't seem very proper-" She starts, but then stops. I don't even have to raise an eyebrow at her before she just sighs. "Okay, okay. You're a bad influence."

We return back to the stable where my horse had been waiting for us, both of us feeling considerably lighter in mood than when we'd arrived to the city. I toss a coin to the groom before we head inside the inn, where we're met with a young woman serving food and drink to a couple travelers in the tavern.

"A room for two, please."

She nods. "Got the perfect one for you two." We follow her up a narrow staircase, it smelling slightly musty. She pushes open a room, indicating that it's our room for the night.