My Bizarre Journey To Motherhood

Story of my bizarre and desperate journey to become a mother when a big obstacle emerges.

This entirely fictional story had a very long gestation which started in 2015. I was struggling with the concept and not getting anywhere. I kept writing a bit more and then putting it aside unfinished. In 2018 I got some great advice and assistance from another author: many thanks D. Despite this help I still wasn't happy with my efforts, so I put it aside yet again. Getting weary of its presence in my draft story folder I have finally finished it, though still not completely satisfied. Hope you enjoy.

To get the most out of the story, I suggest you put yourself into the minds of the characters.

To readers wanting a slam, bam, thankyou ma'am plot, or demeaning men, this story is not for you.

PART 1 - My Problem and Possible Answer

My name is Jill. I am 28 and have been married for 8 years to a lovely guy Dan who I met in university. I am a mother now, but it wasn't an easy journey and for a while we had thought we may not be able to have any children. But as they say, where there is a will......

I came from a very strict religious upbringing where sex was never mentioned and the idea of sex before marriage consider abhorrent. I was closely controlled up until the age of 18 when I left home for university. I arrived there totally ignorant of boys and sex. Dan and I had met in my freshman year at a Christian fellowship meeting. He had grown up in a similar strict background, so we seemed well suited to each other in our mutual ignorance. He became my first and as it turned out, only boyfriend.

We dated right through university. On my graduation day he got down on one knee and proposed in front of my family, and I accepted immediately. I was just 20 years old.

Although I had promised to wait until we were married, we both got carried away the night of our engagement/my graduation party and I let him take my virginity in the basement guest room, while my parents and the rest of the family were asleep upstairs. It wasn't a memorable event to be truthful, I just remember a lot of fumbling around, a sharp pain, then a couple of thrusts and he groaned and slumped on top of me.

We were married 9 months later and soon got into the routine of married life with work, paying off our mortgage, social events and holidays taking up all our time.

I had endured a strict upbringing as a child and was very shy and fairly ignorant about sex. I was also Dan's first girlfriend so we both started out marriage very sexually inexperienced, learning as we went along, not very well I might add. Our sex was ok but seemed routine to me, either him on top or occasionally me on top. I didn't often manage to orgasm making love as Dan never seemed to be able to last long enough to get me there. I didn't have anyone else to compare with so my expectations were not high.

As for some other things I had heard or read about, like blowjobs, getting oral, and anal, never happened. I tried to raise the subject of introducing some variety with Dan a few times but got nowhere. Other than that, I was very happily married. Dan was a good and kind husband, generous and caring.

We were travelling along well with married life and the first two years passed quickly with no problems until one day my best friend announced she was pregnant. Suddenly my biological alarm clock started ringing very loudly and nothing I could do from then on would switch off that damned alarm. I was suddenly desperate to have a baby.

Dan and I talked about it, and we decided to start baby making. Our love life was suddenly reinvigorated as we took every opportunity to get me pregnant. After 6 months of trying, including reading at length about how often and when to do it, taking morning temperatures and monitoring ovulation, and all of that, we were still without result.

My friend's belly was ever growing, and I was getting so jealous of her. I started looking into every pram I passed and even went into baby clothe stores, all which reduced me to tears. My desperation was growing and I was feeling a terrible emptiness. I was hungering for a baby. I also found myself staring at other attractive men unconsciously wondering if they could get me pregnant.

I reluctantly went to visit a Gynaecologist with Dan. I was given a very thorough series of examinations by a male doctor. It was very embarrassing, especially as it was done in front of Dan who had accompanied me. I was displayed naked with legs wide apart in stirrups with nothing left to the imagination. I was fingered, poked, and prodded in intimate places and had cold instruments inserted which stretched me apart so he could look deep inside. After that blood was taken and tested, my womb was injected with dye, then x-rayed and ultra-sounded. It was pretty horrible, but I was determined to have that baby at whatever cost. After suffering all these indignities, the Doctor pronounced everything was 100% normal with me and there was nothing preventing me getting pregnant.

It took a lot of persuading, but Dan finally agreed to be tested. I accompanied him to a clinic where a nurse gave him an empty specimen container and led him into a private room to 'produce a sample.' He was gone for almost an hour and then finally emerged looking very embarrassed holding the filled jar.

Unfortunately, the tests showed no swimmers at all. He was sterile and could never father a baby.

After seeing the results, he broke down and I held him close. He cried telling me he didn't feel like a real man anymore and offered to give me a divorce. It took me quite a while to reassure him of my steadfast love and of his manhood. Silently I was beside myself in grief at the thought of no babies.

For Dan's sake I was stoic, but inside I was totally devastated at the news. My dream has evaporated in front of me.

After getting over our initial grief, Dan and I started to talk about options. Dan wanted children very much, though maybe not as desperately as me.

Dan suggested adoption. Unfortunately, we found that there were very few children available to adopt in our country, so we would have to go overseas to adopt which was fraught with difficulty, not to mention the cost which we could not afford. I didn't say it to Dan, but what I desired the most was to get pregnant then carry and give birth to a child.

The only remaining option was artificial insemination by donor sperm. In theory we could obtain artificial insemination services at a private fertility clinic. However, the Government had passed a new law which allowed children fathered by donor sperm to be able to find the name of their donor. As a result, donations had literally 'dried up' and there was a very long waiting list. I was worried I would be 40 before my turn came. Even then, the cost of utilising private clinics was horrendous and far beyond our current budget. There was also no guarantee of success, so even if we could save up the money, it could all be wasted. We started to be resigned to having no children which was a miserable thought.

A few months passed and we both started getting on with a childless life. I was holding it together until one night while I was having drinks after work with my colleagues. After having quite a few, I broke down and cried and poured my heart out telling them the whole miserable story.

The next day at work one colleague took me aside and told me about a friend of hers who had been in a similar situation to me. She had found out about a man who gave private sperm donations at no charge. She now had two children from his donated semen and was very happy with the outcome. She handed me a piece of paper with 'Peter' and a phone number written on it, smiled, and walked away.

I kept taking the slip out of my paper out of my purse and studying it many times a day for a few weeks until I got the courage to broach the subject with Dan.

"So, Dan, about our baby problem. I mentioned this to a friend, who has another friend who was in our situation. She and her husband found a private sperm donor at no cost and now they have 2 kids."

"Huh!"

"What if we try this?"

Understandably he got a shock at my suggestion. "Jill, assuming this isn't a crazy idea, which it is, for a start, how do you think we would we go about finding one."

Well, we could approach one of my friends and ask them for a donation from their husband and self-impregnate.

Really, let someone we know father OUR child? You realise it may take many donations for success. Also, who knows what complications that would bring in the future, say if the father demands parental rights, or when the child figures out who their bio-father is.

I agreed with the pitfalls with this.

"I could go to a bar and get picked up by a stranger I blurted out."

He threw a heap of objections at me like safety like STDs, and everything else he could think of. "You wouldn't really do that would you?"

"Go out to a bar?" "Probably not, no, maybe, ....... I don't know."

I looked at him and gulped. "We could try the guy that my friend's friend used," and I showed him the slip of paper with Peter and a phone number on it. "Apparently, he helps couples. At least we know it's safe. It's far better than using a friend hanging or out at a bar and getting picked up for one night stands to get pregnant."

Dan was angry that I had obviously planned to hijack the discussion with him all along

"Dan, can you think of another practical option other than being childless. I could go on existing as we have been and appear happy married to you, but I would slowly die inside."

Dan was silent for a few minutes then he walked away.

After a few days avoiding the subject, we started to seriously talk it through. I finally convinced him that we had no other realistic options and we had nothing to lose by contacting this Peter guy and finding out about his 'service'. Then we would be able to decide.

With my heart beating wildly I dialled the number. A beautiful deep voice answered "hello".

I hesitantly said, "hi, my name is Jill. I know this is a weird call, but I have heard from a friend of a friend that you have helped women who were having trouble getting pregnant."

There were some seconds of silence and then he said, "so why are you interested?"

I told him about my situation.

"Send me an email about you and you husband and send some photographs and ID which prove you are genuine." He gave me an email address and ended the call. I composed a long email about Dan and me and how much we wanted children and sent it off with a few modest pictures of us. A few days later I received a reply suggesting we meet to talk and gave me the address of a café and a time to meet."

Dan and I got to the café and looked around. In the back corner a tall handsome man stood and waved to us, so we walked over and introduced ourselves. I looked at Peter. He was about 6'3", looked between 30 to 35 years old, and was obviously strong and fit. He had striking deep green eyes that looked right into your soul.

I glanced sideways at Dan and he looked decidedly uncomfortable. We chatted for a while exchanging small talk then I summoned courage and said not very confidently. "Umm how did you get into this, I mean helping couples like us", I asked.

"Well, a while back I helped a couple who were my friends and couldn't conceive. I thought it would just be a one-off, but then another couple somehow heard about what I had done and approached me. It just grew from there. I don't advertise my 'service' but news seems to have spread by word of mouth." I have more couples coming to me for help than I can handle.

"We really do need help and I, I mean we, are getting a bit desperate," I said.

"Well, I have read your email about your situation, and after talking to you today I am prepared to help you, but there are conditions."

"Like what?" said my husband, which was almost the first thing he had said.

"Well for a start, you will both need to undergo tests for any illness and provide me the results and I will do likewise." I saw my husband looking perplexed out of the corner of my eye.

"You will also both need to sign a legal agreement that you will accept the child as yours and not claim any support. I am also prevented from claiming any parental rights.

Lastly, I only assist one couple at a time. there are a few couples wanting help and I have to be fair, so I will only give each couple initially 3 cycles to get pregnant.

Dan just looked more perplexed.

"You shouldn't worry too much; I have a very high sperm count and strong mobility, and with the right techniques, I have had a 85% success rate in 3 cycles as long as we follow my process."

"Do we take your donation a doctor to do the insemination, or do we do it ourselves? I'm not sure how to do it properly to avoid contamination and make it work. I read that this can be a big problem," said Dan.

Peter looked at both of us quizzically for a few moments. "Did you not talk to the person who recommended me to you?"

I shook my head.

"You are right about the issues with self-insemination, that is why I do the donation by the direct injection method, so to speak, to ensure a high success rate."

My husband looked even more confused. "What is direct injection, I don't understand."

Peter looked at him and said, "I would have sexual intercourse with your wife."

Dan's jaw dropped and he was lost for words momentarily. "No fucking way is that ever going to happen" he yelled. He stood up and stormed out of the Café, probably expecting me to follow him. I was not going to run away from my only chance.

After I got over the initial shock, I said, "surely it would be simple for you to just make a donation into a dish and I could inseminate myself with a syringe or something, or we could take your semen and go to a doctor's surgery and get it done there."

"Firstly, as your husband said, the self-insemination method has a low success rate and typically needs many months to get a result. Secondly, for a doctor to do as you suggest, I would need to be properly registered otherwise it would be illegal. Realistically Jill, you're your and your husband's reaction, maybe it's better that you just go straight to a registered fertility clinic."

"That is not an option for us, and I am guessing you know that already."

"Jill, most people who need my help want what I give them - a last resort chance. With the direct injection method, I can do that, and do it quite legally."

"What do you get out of this?"

"My personal reasons are complex, and I don't care to fully explain them. Briefly. on one level, I like helping people, I don't have any of my own children, and, to be very honest with you, I enjoy the baby making part."

There was a period of uncomfortable silence.

"Couldn't you make an exception just once for me."

He shook his head. "No, I'm sorry. When I agreed to meet you I had assumed you knew the deal from the person who gave you my name. Maybe you both need to go home and talk about this."

Dan came back to the table and leaning on it looked Peter in the eyes "Where do you get off eh? You expect me to hand my wife over to you so that you can fuck her to your heart's content.? Never going to happen, you hear me, never ever."

"Come on Jill we're leaving, there is nothing more to talk about," said Dan, "Thanks for your time Peter but we won't be needing your assistance."

"Dan and Jill, I am very sorry for the misunderstanding, and I do understand how you feel. This is definitely not for everyone. If you change your mind, feel free to call me but be warned, there is a bit of a waiting list."

"How long," I said.

"About 12 months, but the next couple in line has just decided it's not for them, so there is a vacant spot in 6 weeks. You will need to let me know very soon if you want their place as another couple is also interested".

With that I awkwardly said goodbye and we left.

In the car on the way home we were both silent with our thoughts. As we pulled up at our house Dan said, "the nerve of that guy, I felt like punching him in the face." I was silently glad he didn't as Peter looked like he could handle himself very well.

As I lay in bed that night I couldn't sleep. I imagined what it may be like to let another man come inside me and shuddered at the thought. No other man except Dan had been there.

My biological alarm clock just kept ringing away unabated. A few weeks later I arranged to meet my friend's friend who he had helped get pregnant over a coffee. She arrived with two lovely children. We talked about each other and her children then I blurted out, "what was it like, you know, getting impregnated by him, I am terrified of it."

She looked at me and laughed, "well as you can see over there in the corner, pointing to two children playing, I went back a second time and I'm thinking of a third. Seriously, the first time we did it was hard, but after that it was fine. Well, actually it was so much better than fine," she smirked.

I asked what she meant but she smiled and shook her head, "I don't want to talk about it, even to my husband, but trust me it is all very good and you will not regret it."

"How does your husband feel about it" I asked.

"He was not thrilled at all, but he is used to it now. The children have made up for a lot but be prepared it won't be easy for him to give you to another man."

We went to the ladies on the way out. As we were about to leave, she said "good luck and hopefully at some time in the future you will have one of these." She pulled up her skirt and showed me two tiny tattoos of a red orchid on her right thigh inside her panties. She winked at me, smiled and left.

I left perplexed about this, and I also wondered exactly what she meant by 'he was so much better than fine.'

The next morning over breakfast I looked at my husband and took his hands.

"I know our meeting with Peter was confronting and upsetting, especially for you, but please hear me out. I met a woman yesterday that Peter helped and had a long talk with her. She and her husband got through all the trauma and are very happy. They have two children now and want another. I met them both. It can't be that bad if they want to go back for a third one."

Dan just looked at me. "You cannot seriously be considering this..... are you?"

I just shrugged my shoulders, "I can't think of another better way Dan, can you?"

"But he would fuck you."

"It would just be like an artificial insemination, except with a live syringe. Just a sex act, no love or passion or feelings. I would still love you so much, that wouldn't change that."

He recoiled with a look of horror, "you are really seriously thinking of doing this? "It would kill me knowing what another man was doing to you."

Honey, I understand how you must feel, but it would be hard for me too."

"But I bet Peter will enjoy himself fucking you."

"That's crass, and even if it's true I won't I enjoy it, I promise you. I will just lay back, stay still and let him have his way with me and inject his sperm."

"I just don't know if I could handle it, or if I could even love and raise someone else's child."

"It would be hard, but I am sure that when we have our baby in our arms it will be all worthwhile. I can't do this alone my love, we both have to be in complete agreement. If you really couldn't handle this arrangement, then that is that."

I reached over and kissed him and hugged him to me tightly. "You know how desperate I am for a baby Dan, but I will accept whatever you decide with no recriminations. Whatever happens, you are my real man and no wimp, and I love you heart and soul."

I knew this was terrible emotional blackmail, but I was really desperate.