My Brother Broke Me

"Whatever you need, make sure Gavin takes care of it," my Dad said, "Don't be shy. He's your brother, that's what he's there for."

I doubted that my brother was there for some of my more pressing needs, but I got the point. I told my parents I loved them and then let them go.

After I spoke to my parents, I figured I should get it all over with at once and one-handedly texted my friends to let them know what had happened. Most just sent the usual emojis and standard 'sorries.' It was another reminder that high school was over and most of us were already moving on. But my closest friend, Lilah, proved why I thought of her that way, and immediately jumped in her car to come over.

A few minutes later, Gavin answered the door and Lilah flounced in. My bestie is a bit taller than me and way curvier. She has brown hair that she wore down to almost her backside. She was wearing a cute pink top with capri pants.

But I didn't notice any of that.

Instead I was caught by her left hand. And what wasn't on her finger.

Lilah and I had gotten our purity rings at the same time. She was one of the reasons why I'd chosen to do it, actually. We'd talked about it a lot, how we wanted to be good God-fearing girls who waited for our husbands and how that would make everything more meaningful.

Only Lilah wasn't wearing her purity ring anymore.

Quickly, I grabbed Lilah's unringed hand with my uncasted one and dragged her up to my bedroom. She gave Gavin a clumsy wave as I pulled her up the stairs.

"What happened?" I asked as soon as my bedroom door was shut. Lilah sat down on my bed, carefully, like she was afraid it might explode under her.

"Your brother got super cute," Lilah said. But I wouldn't let her change the subject, so I asked her again what had happened to her.

"I think I'm supposed to be asking you that," Lilah said, still trying to escape my interrogation. I was standing over her and it felt weird, but I was too shocked to sit down.

"I fell off the bed," I said, "I don't think you did that by falling off a bed, did you?"

"Actually, I kind of fell into one?" Lilah said with a giggle. And then she told me.

Apparently, Lilah had met some boy while working at Catholic day camp. They'd had this adorable (her word) meet cute after some poor nine-year-old had gotten a bloody nose on the ropes course. They'd met a mere three days before, but Lilah was already sure he was the one.

"You just know, you know?" Lilah said with an overdramatic sigh. This new boy -- John or Jim or Jake or something like that -- had stolen her heart. And her purity ring, as well.

"How was it?" I asked.

"It was OK," Lilah said, not meeting my eyes.

With that kind of effusive endorsement, I figured I could probably keep the purity ring on my finger.

*

Gavin and I spent the next few days like a resigned, old married couple. He cooked and cleaned, we binged on Netflix shows, and loafed around the house. Gavin was down about his ex-girlfriend. I was upset about my wrist and what I'd come to think of as my best friend's betrayal. Neither of us were in the mood for anything except sleep. We barely even talked. Instead, we slipped into an easy, shared depression like it was a deep, dark jacuzzi filled with warm, bubbling tears.

Meanwhile, the ticking time bomb between my legs moved ever closer to explosion. Remember, I was used to three times a day at minimum. Now, I'd gone nearly a week without even touching myself. I was primed, on edge, and searching zucchini recipes like crazy.

Finally, on a Saturday morning, Gavin burst through my bedroom door, threw open my curtains, and dragged me out of bed.

"We're going on an adventure," my brother announced. While I still wasn't capable of certain things with my left hand, I'd managed to at least learn to dress myself. Looking out the window, it seemed like a sunny day, so I put on dark shorts and a lime green t-shirt, then met my brother downstairs.

Gavin was dressed much like he had for his 'date' with Kelly: a red polo shirt and a pair of khaki slacks. He looked really good and it made me feel ratty by comparison.

"Are we going on a date?" I asked him, still in little sister mode.

"We're getting out of this rut," Gavin replied.

I wanted to get breakfast, but my brother refused to let me have anything more than a paltry granola bar.

"Trust me, you're going to want to save room," Gavin said.

We walked downtown to pick up the trolley into Philly. We found a bench near the back of the car and watched as the little towns rolled by. I'd been mistaken before, looking out my bedroom window. It wasn't sunny. It was flat out gorgeous. One of the best days of the year. Warm and wonderful in a way that made just sitting outside feel like the best thing in the world.

Gavin shared a smile with me. He looked so handsome in the dappled sunlight. I reached up and tousled his brown hair.

"Thanks," I said, "For dragging me out."

"Oh, this is just the start," Gavin said.

"Why does that worry me?" I asked, playfully.

"You need this," Gavin said, "We need this. I'll admit, I've been an awful brother. This is the least I can do."

"You were with her for nearly five years," I said, knowing better than to say the K-word. "You're not going to get over her in five days. I understand"

"What about you?" Gavin said, "I know you're upset about your wrist, but this seems like something more."

I didn't want to admit it, but my brother was right. My wrist was annoying, sure, but it didn't really hurt anymore. Instead it was all the things around that moment that had sent me tumbling.

I had been so convinced, at age 18, that I understood relationships. But what was love if my brother and Kelly could split in seconds and my best friend could throw away everything after three dumb days?

I twisted the purity ring on my finger, once again. That promise I'd been so sure of seemed vacant in the context of everything I had seen. My virginity was supposed to be my gift to the love of my life. But the last week had shown me I had no idea how to ever identify that person or, even if I did, to know that he would always feel the same way about me.

The question burbled up so quickly, even I was surprised when it popped out.

"Do you like sex?" I asked my brother.

Gavin choked and his face turned the most adorable shade of pink. He glanced around the trolley car, but it was still early and so mostly empty. I doubted the elderly gentleman in the front of the car or the overdressed family in the back were paying any attention to us.

"Sex," I said, "You and Kelly did it, right? What was it like?"

"I don't know if I should be talking about this with you," Gavin said. I couldn't tell if he meant the sibling thing, or the chastity thing, or just the couples' privacy thing. Probably all three.

"Lilah gave up her purity ring," I said, "She met some guy at camp, and I guess they, I don't know. It got me thinking, that's all."

"Oh, that makes sense," Gavin said, "Look, just because your friend broke her promise doesn't mean yours is any less important. It's something for yourself, you know? Not other people."

"But you didn't wait," I said.

"No," Gavin said, "I didn't."

"And you don't regret it," I said.

Gavin surprised me by letting out a long, drawn out sigh. "Maybe?" he said. I couldn't have been more shocked if he'd admitted he was selling illegally acquired, endangered turtles out of our garage.

Like I said, Gavin and I confided in each other a lot. Especially when we were both living at home. He'd told me, straight out, when he and Kelly did it for the first time. The way he described it, as this beautiful thing that they'd shared, it totally changed my perspective on sex.

Gavin must have seen the look on my face because he immediately began to backpedal. "Look, Cass, I'm not saying that it was bad. Sex with Kelly was amazing. Truly. Looking back, though? I wish my first time had happened with someone else. Like, someone I could trust. Someone I loved and who loved me back. For real."

"How do you know, though?" I asked, "You thought Kelly was your soulmate. I'm sure Lilah and her guy think they have something special."

"I don't think you ever really do," Gavin said. He smiled in a way that looked more like a frown. "You just have to do your best and know that you'll probably screw it up."

"Literally in this case," I said. We both laughed.

We changed trains and took the subway into downtown. Growing up, Philly had been the scary bad place with all the crime that my parents forbade me to go to without them, a full security escort, a bulletproof body suit, and support from the 101st Airborne. But my brother had been going to Temple for two years now without suffering so much as a splinter, so I assumed I was in good hands.

We got off the train and took the escalator up to street level. My stomach grumbled embarrassingly loudly.

"Almost there," Gavin said.

The city was surprisingly quiet. Almost sleepy. There were enough people walking around so that it didn't feel creepy, but it added to the otherworldly feel of the day. We walked down a few blocks, then Gavin pushed open what seemed like a random glass door and brought me inside.

I recognized the place immediately. We were at Reading Terminal Market. My parents had taken us there as kids, but all I remembered of it was the endless bustle and shoving of an overcrowded, aggressive place where everything was too large for a little girl.

Now, though, as an adult, I saw that my brother had brought me to an almost infinite wonderland of deliciousness. We walked up and down the alleys of the market; each stall more tantalizing than the last. This was like a mall food court it had been built in heaven. It was a fantasy world of every cuisine I'd ever heard of. And everything looked and smelled amazing.

"What do you want?" Gavin asked. He could have asked me to explain advanced calculus in French and it would have been easier for me. Everything looked so good.

Eventually, I 'settled' on a roast pork sandwich with provolone and broccoli rabe from DiNic's. My brother surprised me by getting a simple turkey sandwich from a few stalls down. As soon as we found a table though, and Gavin let me have a bite, I realized why he'd done it. The sandwich was so beyond what I thought a turkey sandwich could be. One little taste of this and I was ruined for deli meat forever.

Gavin beamed, knowing that he'd done this to me, then took back his lunch. Not that what I had was anything to complain about. My own sandwich was salty, tangy and good. Just not that.

We sat in uncomfortable seats at long, plastic tables, as the rapidly-filling market bumped against our backs. We felt like the kings of the world. There was only one thing that I needed for this to be perfect.

"Gavin?" I asked, sweet as pie, "I kind of want your sandwich?"

"You what?" Gavin asked.

"I want it," I said, "It was really good."

"But you have your own," Gavin said.

"I know, but yours is better," I said.

"So you want to take mine," he said.

"Switch," I said.

"Share," Gavin said.

"Yes."

"Halfsies?" Gavin said.

I sighed, as if he'd made a horribly impertinent request. "Fine," I said.

We passed each other our meals. That first bite, I knew I'd made the right choice.

"Worth the journey?" Gavin asked, a knowing smile on his face. All I could do was nod.

As we ate together, grinning stupidly at each other across our table, I realized that we were on a date. Not an actual date, of course, but something that was essentially date-like in all the ways that defined one.

My brother paid for my meal and pulled out my chair. He pointed things out and we had pleasant conversation. This was nice. Really nice. And once again, I wondered to myself what the hell Kelly was looking for if it wasn't my funny, handsome, charming brother?

After lunch, Gavin lead me through Philadelphia like he was giving me a tour of his home. Which, since he went to school there, he kind of was. He showed me where Thomas Jefferson had written the Declaration of Independence and where Ben Franklin's mistress had lived. Then we went over to Franklin Fountain and shared a massive hot fudge sundae.

Throughout, for the first time since it happened, I totally forgot about my stupid wrist. I just went through my day with my brother and enjoyed it thoroughly. Gavin even held my hand at one point, swinging our arms like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Eventually, though, the stress of our day took over and we limped back to the train station. When we got on the trolley, I gave the conductor my ticket and he noticed my cast.

"How'd you do that?" he asked. He was an older gentleman with a white, push broom mustache and a friendly smile, "Fighting off wild animals?"

"Sort of," I said, with a naughty grin, "My brother tried to kiss me, and I broke my wrist trying to escape."

"I did not!" Gavin said, "That didn't happen, I swear."

The conductor laughed and turned away.

We found an open bench near the back and sat down. As we settled into the long ride home, I settled into my brother. He wrapped his arm around me, possessive, and slowly stroked my golden hair.

"Seriously, if you keep telling people I tried to kiss you, someone's going to believe you," Gavin said. "And then we'll both be in real trouble."

"It's just teasing," I said, mollifying my brother, "I know you're not some incest-crazed sex monster. In fact, I think you're kind of awesome. Someone is going to be so lucky to have you as a boyfriend. I don't know who she is, but I'm already jealous."

Gavin nodded, but I saw the sadness pass over his face. I guess, like with my wrist, my brother had spent the whole day not thinking about his ex-girlfriend. And then, thoughtless me, I brought it back to his mind. I leaned up and kissed my brother on the cheek. Like a peace offering.

For a moment, our eyes met. Gavin's eyes were the most remarkable shade of green. Intoxicating. I knew mine were a flat, pale blue, so light they were almost gray. Just like me, there was nothing to see. But Gavin looked at me like the map to a long lost treasure was written in there.

Quickly, he turned away. He took his arm off me and his body went stiff. For a moment, I worried that I'd made a terrible mistake.

"I had fun," I said, surprised at how plaintive I sounded.

"Today was amazing," Gavin said, but he kept his attention out the window.

When we got home, I went straight up to my bedroom. Gavin called after me, but I ignored him. I was exhausted from the day. My wrist was aching. I couldn't understand how I'd ruined our perfect day out, but I knew that I had, and I couldn't face it anymore. I climbed into bed, on top of my covers, and closed my eyes.

But sleep would not show up. All I could think about was the other thing I'd managed to ignore all day. As if it had been waiting for me all this time, camouflaged, here in my bedroom. Pounding, insistent. Like a hunger but so much more encompassing. And worse, I knew I had no way to feed it.

Instinctively, I took out my phone and found my favorite site. I tried, dammit, I really did. But despite my endless need I was helpless with my left hand. Desperately, I looked around my room for something I could use to get relief. Ridiculous ideas occurred to me, but nothing that I could actually act on.

Then, as if my mind was truly determined to torture me, I thought about Gavin. I don't know why those two things (sex, my brother) came up together at once, but now I could think of nothing else. I lay back, panting, trying to think of anything else.

Our date that day had been so incredible. I know it sounds silly, but it was more than the adventure in the city. The food. The sights. It was being with my brother. The way he half-smiled every time he looked my way. The strength of his arms as he gave me a hug. His buoyant laugh and his caring whispers.

I was at this weird, overemotional crossroads. My body was fixated on getting relief. My brain couldn't stop thinking about my brother. The two things collided and suddenly I couldn't separate one from the other. Even though it made as much sense as mixing ground beef with whipped cream.

I lay back, wracked with this awful mixture of arousal, obsession, and guilt. And then I heard a knock on my door.

"Can we talk?" Gavin asked.

Oh God.

"What's up?" I asked, quickly pulling my outfit back together. Seriously, I knew the Lord likes to test us, but this was like a pop quiz on particle physics at 3am that would determine my grade for life.

Gavin popped his head into my room right as I got my shorts snapped.

"Are we OK?" Gavin asked.

I got up and sat on the edge of the bed. Gavin sat down across from me. I couldn't escape the fact that we were in roughly the same positions as we'd been before when he'd... When I'd... Before I broke my wrist.

"I could ask you the same thing," I said.

"Sorry," Gavin said, "You mentioned Kelly and I went into a spiral. That's my fault."

I fought the urge to point out that, actually, I hadn't mentioned his ex at all. That, in fact, I'd only pointed out that my brother was a great catch. But that opened up a whole other line of inquiry, so I let it go.

"It's OK to be sad," I said, "Normal. But you shouldn't let her get to you. You can do so much better. I promise." Was I thinking about myself in that moment? ...Maybe? Like, I knew that was silly, impossible, but the combination of chemicals in my brain was causing all kinds of crazy side effects. I was exhausted-naturally high-aroused. You know what I mean?

"What about you?" Gavin asked. "How's your wrist?"

"Fine," I said. The throbbing had finally stopped, thankfully. "I'm just thinking about stuff."

"What kind of stuff?" Gavin asked.

Look, I was far gone, but I still wasn't going to say that to my brother. Instead I pursed my lips.

"Look, I know that everything the last few days has been hard on you," Gavin said, "But I'd hate to think that what happened with me and Kelly would shake your faith. If anything, it makes me even more sure that you're doing the right thing. Waiting, I mean."

"It's not just you," I said. "Lilah and I both got our promise rings at the same time. If anything, I thought she was more devout than I was. Then she meets a boy and BAM it's gone."

"Never doubt the power of young love," Gavin said.

"In three days? Yeah, right," I said, "More like, 'never doubt the power of young hormones.'"

"So, you're saying..."

"I think she got horny and found a boy to solve that with," I said. My brother turned red when I used the word 'horny.' It was kind of adorable.

"Everybody gets, um, aroused," Gavin said, "But plenty of people don't act on it."

"Exactly," I said, "So that's what I was doing. Thinking of ways I could, you know, not act on things. Keep my promise to God and all that."

"And not be, um, horny?" Gavin said. Oh, he was so scarlet now they could have strung him above the street to stop traffic.

"Right," I said, "And usually, I have a solution for that. Only right now I can't."

"Can't be horny?"

"Can't not be horny," I said. I lifted up my cast as evidence.

"Oh," Gavin said. I could literally watch the realization creep across his face as it dawned on him. "OH!"

"Right," I said.

I should have been terrified to tell my brother this. Should have been doing anything I could, cobbling whatever lie I could concoct. But there was something so natural about sitting on my bed and telling this boy who I trusted so much about what I was going through. The words spilled out lightly, like they weighed next to nothing

I guess I'd reached my drowning point. The water was over my head and my brother happened to be floating by. I'd have grabbed for anything in that moment, I told myself. The problem was, I knew that wasn't true. My stupid brain was stirring things up and the more I looked at the mixture the more I liked it.