My Grandma's Diaries - Beginnings

Family Secrets, Generations in the making.

When my grandmother died, my mother, sister and I went to the old house and cleaned it up. In it, we found some of our great-grandmother's diaries, locked away in an old camphor wood chest. In another, similar chest, we found some small bars of what might be gold, with a set of Chinese characters on them. There were also some gold and silver coins, but they certainly were not Chinese. They were covered by what looks like Chinese dress, rich brocaded materials in gowns that are unlikely to ever be worn again. (A quick internet search has revealed these are a collection of mostly gold coins from 17th Century Indian, 18th Century Japanese, 19th Century East India Company coins and Mexican silver dollars which are dated from the 1850s.)

There were also a range of small curios and other antiques, some ivory, jade and silver figurines, what looked like hair pins, of what looks like green stone, so likely jade, and a range of combs and brushes of Chinese design. The gold pieces look like little boats, with some characters on top and dragons on the keel, maybe, but dragons for sure. These looked nice, but the gold bars and coins are obviously the most curious. For the moment, they will be kept aside. The figurines and other objects have been photographed, and the images have been sent to London, for identification and possibly evaluation. (The numbers we have already received from a local dealer on half the objects, are somewhat ridiculous. The other half, well, let's just say that no-one knows what they are and have less idea of what their worth could be.)

The diaries are more intriguing, and made for very interesting reading. If I ever wonder where my mother's, my sister's and my interest in sex came from, it was all outlined in those diaries. Here is a few extracts from what would have shown a much racier version of colonial life in Victorian times. I have not included the Chinese characters, just the phonetics, my keyboard does not translate them.

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From 1890 Diaries

Sat. 13th Dec

It has been arranged. Li Ling told me this afternoon that the auction will take place next Saturday. It has become increasingly difficult since Father was killed in July's Tai Fun, so I have had to resort to these extreme measures of secure a future. Dear Diary, I am afraid.

Mon. 15th Dec

Mr Caper came today. He said the sale of my Father's house has been completed, and at seven thousand four hundred and ninety-nine pounds, I have made an exceptional deal. Why not, it is an exceptional house. His fees are one hundred and ninety-nine pounds, small, but nearly eight years income for a Chinese coolie and a large boost to his own income for the year. There are no further taxes or duties to be paid, the colonial administration have gouged my father's estate sufficiently, taking nearly half of the fifty thousand pounds Mr Caper said was there. Having this money though doesn't mean I can live well, it only means I can eat and sometimes buy new clothes. I hate having to beg Mr Caper for money, Dear Diary.

Unfortunately, as I am only nineteen years old, I cannot inherit. He is my legal guardian, he controls the money until I get married, which means my husband then controls it, or I become a twenty-five year old spinster. There are very few potential suitors here in Hong Kong, and none of them are worth my time. There is nothing for me in London, that is no longer home for me. I am staying here. I cannot live well but I can be at least, comfortable on what is left of my inheritance, if others do not rob me blind. I need other investments, income, Dear Diary so perhaps the auction will provide me with the starting capital I need.

Thurs. 18th Dec.

I am getting really nervous, Dear Diary. Li has been giving me a potion she says will help. It tastes dreadful but I must drink it once a day.

Sat. 20th Dec

We are going to be making our way to Kowloon this afternoon. There we will be meeting Mrs. Caldwell. Apparently she is a long time resident in these parts and has managed to build a rather successful bawdy house business. Li has told me of the nature of this business and while I must admit to being shocked at the idea of women getting paid for opening their bodies to men, it has intrigued me as well. I didn't understand at first, but Li showed me what she meant.

Li is my maid, my friend and my lover. She became my lover when she explained what a man and a woman do together in the privacy of their bedroom. She showed me how it can be between women, and I love that she did. Li has told me of how it can be between men and women, but she refuses to go into too much detail. She says that every man is different. We are leaving for the ferry soon and I am excited and afraid. I am curious as to how this auction will work out and how much I will end up earning from it.

Sun 21st Dec.

I cannot believe what happened last night. It was incredible. I am no longer a child, but a woman. It wasn't awful, like I thought it would be, I didn't endure anything, it was wonderful. I became a willing participant. I may have found a way to make an income, and it may even be enjoyable. I will have to think about it. After Christmas.

Tues. 23rd Dec.

Two days before Christmas and for the first time, I will be completely alone. I am the only surviving member of my family. My mother and brother both dead in an infuenza outbreak in London five years ago and my father in July. Apart from Li and Zhou Fan, who are Bhuddist, and Mr Caper, who is a widower, I have no-one to share Christmas with.

From 1891 Diaries

Thur Jan 1st

Li is not enough any more. I need to feel a man inside me. I won't stop loving Li, and her tongue and fingers, even the ivory man thing she used on me for the first time on Christmas night are wonderful, but I want the rush of a man's hot seed, the weight of him on me. I want to feel his naked flesh, touching me in my secret places. All those things from the night I became a woman, I want again.

Fri Jan 2nd

I need to tell you Dear Diary, about what happened in Kowloon.

The ferry ride was slow but smooth, and yet, the end came too soon. Li took us to a very nice section of the township that was quiet and respectable. We were met by a servant who took us to see the Mistress of the house. I was surprised she was Chinese as well, but we spent a pleasant hour and half at dinner where we discussed such intimate things, most of which I will leave to later. The lady, apparently, used to work for Mrs. Caldwell, my auctioneer, and was very happy to help Li and her English friend. From there we were taken out of the house via a hidden passage, placed into a completely covered rickshaw, and taken somewhere. I got very nervous, but Li was not worried. When we arrived, I found us inside a building, so I had no idea where we were.

We were met by Mrs. Caldwell, who greeted us and asked if we would like some tea. Mrs. Caldwell, to be precise, is a tart. She is a Madam of a brothel. Not just any brothel, but the grandest house of ill-repute east of Paris. So Li tells me. Li was sold to Mrs. Caldwell's house, like a lot of young Chinese girls, but she was unsuited for the life. My father bought her services, and so she became my maid. Although why she was unsuitable, I do not know and she refuses to say.

Mrs. Caldwell told us that it was all arranged and would proceed in the next hour or so. I was to bathe and be prepared in the gown given me. She then took us into the bathing room where I was undressed by a girl attendent, who left us alone. This would have to be the biggest bath I have ever seen. It was a vat, more than a bath, big enough for four people and full of water, hot water.

My father had informed me of the Chinese obsession with cleanliness, more so than our own I must admit. I found it amusing intially, then looked forward to it, especially when bathing with Li. She does the most amazing things to me, and makes me feel so tingly all over, often making me "xìng gaocháo". I am sorry Dear Diary, I do not know what that means in English, a very high row, or high ending, or something like that. Whatever it is, it makes me feel so good and so relaxed afterward. I love doing that to Li, when she has "xing gaocháo", she wraps herself around me and squeezes me, gasps and moans and sometimes even screams a little. I love bringing her pleasure.

She also told me once, my maidenhead was intact, and would bring a good price if I wanted to sell it to the highest bidder. It was funny at the time, but now, it may prove a keen observation. The bath was over, I was dried, perfumed and dressed in a very light, almost see through robe. It was an oriental perfume, exotic, and very expensive, a musk, said to be an aphrodisiac for men. Then I was given a lace mask that covered most of my head and told to keep it on at all times. I certainly didn't want rumours ruining my reputation, so had no intention of removing it. Time came and I was led to a large salon, full of men, Chinese men, all wealthy and powerful mandarins. Most I recognised as people my father had dealings with.

Mrs Caldwell stood forward and said, "I promised a rare jewel, my friends, and here she is. An English virgin. As shapely as your dreams have made all such hidden mysteries." I must admit I was feeling a little embarrassed at being refered to as a 'rare jewel' and 'shapely', "As you can see, the breasts of a mature woman await their first touch by a man." Oh Dear Diary, she really was embarrassing me now. "A pink palace hidden behind a darkened forest will accept for the first time the ivory stem of the highest bidder, gentlemen." Oh I felt myself turning red all over now. I realised that they could see me, almost completely naked. The gown was not hiding much at all. "You all know the rules of British auctions, whom ever is prepared to pay the most for the maidenhead of this beauty will win her favour. Who will start the bidding then, at one thousand dollars?"

I was suprised, one thousand dollars is about two hundred and fifty pounds today. The silver crisis was devaluing the dollar, so, for me, that was not a lot of money - I don't want to live the life of a poor worker. I had hoped to realise a lot more for my maindenhead that that. I needn't have worried, I heard bids coming thick and fast. There were eight men, bidding, then five, then two and the bids reached ten thousand dollars. Really, neither man was attractive, even as a Chinese, but a bargain is a bargain. Li told me this could happen.

At last, one of the bidders pulled out, shaking his head. The final bid was eleven thousand five hundred dollars, about two thousand three hundred pounds. Even with Mrs. Caldwell's commission, that will still leave me with about one thousand five hundred pounds. This will help me live comfortably for a while, but it won't be enough for what I will need.

I was taken by the hand to another room with a large bed in it, where my defloration would occur. The decor could only be considered seductive, with nude women on the walls, enticing aromas, very precisely and carefully lit. I waited, while the final details were arranged. Mrs Caldwell would be paid the funds within an hour of the auction closing. Then the man would be brought to me. This was a very long hour, I can tell you Dear Diary. I was brought refreshments, then I required to use the privvy. I was taken there and then to the washing facilties, where it was explained I was to undergo further cleansing. This was more mechanical, and when completed, I returned to the room and waited. This time for not very long.

Mrs. Caldwell entered the room and motioned everyone else out. "Sixteen hundred quid for you, my dear. A profitable night so far. The money will be here for you before you leave. I suggest you don't take it, and I will deposit it into an account at the Shanghai Bank for you, Monday morning."

It may seem an odd thing to say, Dear Diary, trusting a woman of ill-repute, a tart, but I did trust her. She obviously knew my father, how well though, I don't know. Well enough for him to buy Li Ling's services. So I am now wondering how much of her services did he buy? I shall have to find out. Anyway, I knew the money would be there and I would receive a deposit book. I agreed.

"Your mandarin will be here in a moment, so I will leave you. Have you been taking that potion Li Ling was giving you?" I nodded, not trusting my voice. "Good, it will stop you from having a baby." I knew. "The blushing virgin, been a long time since I was one of them." She smiled, a kindly smile, "All we can do is be graceful, so bear up and think of a better tomorrow." She nodded and left.

A few moments later the highest bidder came in. The man was Dongshen Jin, someone I knew, a business associate of my father. He is tall, at five foot ten inches, smooth skin and while no longer in fighting trim, he is still thin and looks healthy. He has a look about him that emanates power, and is in that age range between thirty and sixty years. I have found that many Chinese men have a look younger than they really are, until one day you notice that they are actually quite old. I have seen this in their women too, and am quite envious of it.

"You can take the mask off Miss **," he said in good English, "I know it is you. May I call you Victoria?"

"But-but we have never met," I stammered frightened that my identity was so easily known.

"No we haven't, but do you think that I would not know who the daughter of my friend and associate would be? I know who you were the moment you walked in the door, which is why I wanted to be the highest bidder. Besides, you will find it much more pleasureable by not hiding behind a mask."

I knew I was defeated, so removed the mask. "You better put it back on before leaving though, it would not do to have anyone else know."

"If you know then why wouldn't anyone else know too?"

"They will suspect, certainly, but they will not know!" he said, "And your secret is safe with me."

I won't go into any more detail of that conversation for the moment, Dear Diary, but I did find it quite interesting. We talked for a long while actually, I learned so much I didn't know about my father. Then we came to the point of the evening.

"Now, Victoria, you are here to become a woman?" I nodded, "Then I shall do my best to show you the way. But I am curious, why this way?"

"Desparation, in part, curiosity in another part. I will not survive on the pittance that Mr Caper allows me, and he is so cautious that by the time I can inherit, there will be nothing left to inherit. If I remain hidden, no-one will be able to create any scandal around me. "

"Ahh, yes. Caper is a good man, but unimaginative, his conservative investments do not always pay well. As for the secrecy, you are not powerful enough to keep people silent. That may change if you are as clever as your father, though."

He reached over and touched my face, in a gentle gesture. "All young women go through this, and they learn things they never knew."

He caressed my neck, heightening a feeling that came from inside me. I knew this was it, the time I was losing my innocence. I was trembling as his hand slid down the front of my gown to cup my breast. His thumb caressed my nipple which grew hard like it does when Li touches me. My breasts are larger than Chinese women's breasts, much larger than Li's. Li says they are heavier than any other woman's breasts she has touched. My nipples are quite large and dark, they protrude a lot when I am aroused. I could feel them pressing hard on the material of my gown.

A man's hand on my skin is different than Li's. The underlying softness is not there. Dongshen's hands have muscles and bones that women's hands do not. Dongshen's hands are as soft as any man's hands I had ever touched, not that I am familiar with many men's hands, but they were softer than my father's, or any man who has offered me a hand alighting a carriage. They are much, much harder than any woman's hands.

He touched my neck, then slowly undid the buttons at the throat. He took his time and then he surprised me, utterly. He kissed me. I was shocked, for I did not know that Chinese men knew how to kiss or even what a kiss was. I have never seen them kiss their wives, their children, anyone. Never.

Dongshen sensed my shock as he stop and asked if something was wrong. "No," I told him, "I have never been kissed like that before" I covered up, but he seemed to accept it. "You are doing a lot of things you have never done before, I think. So relax and enjoy it." He kissed me again, and like when I kiss Li, the fire in my loins ignited. So far, only Li's tongue has manage to quench that fire, but perhaps this man can too.

I felt his hands roaming all over my body, and Dear Diary, a man's hands are very different than a woman's. They are harder, bonier, caloussed in places where a woman's hands are soft, gentle. I found the differences to be quite exciting. He touched my breasts again and again, fascinated with the size I expect. He slipped the gown off my shoulder and exposed my left busom, where he just looked at it. I know that not only are my breasts larger than any Chinese woman I have met, but my nipples are larger, the brown skin at the peak of my breast is a sharp contrast to my pale, white skin.

As he took the nipple into his mouth, I felt again the differences between a man and a woman. Li's mouth is soft, and loving, a man's is harsher and his movement, his suckling, is much stronger. I do not, Dear Diary, say my nipple didn't like its treatment, for it surely did. As he suckled, he eased the gown off the other shoulder and I was naked from the waist up. As he suckled my left nipple, he cupped my right busom, and ran his thumb over the nipple. Working these as one made me feel quite excited, quite trembly, all over.

He pushed the gown down so it fell away, gathered at my feet, and I was completely naked before him. He lifted his head off my breast and stepped back, taking a long, lingering look at my body. While I must admit I was a little shy, and embarrassed, I didn't make any attempt at covering myself. I was fascinated with the look on his face. I think it must have been lust, for there came a change in him, a new look of intense emotional expression I had never seen before on the normally inscrutable oriental face. He led me to the bed, and backed me up to it, gently laying me down, with my legs over the edge.

He pushed my knees apart and I was revealed to him, for the first time a man was looking at me, and I was so excited by the very though. I thought that if he touched me right then, in my secret part, I would have felt xìng gaocháo. Instead, he ran his fingers over my stomach, and down the front of my legs. My breath just caught in my throat, the sensations made me gasp. This was similar to what I felt with Li, but it was also very different. The quality of his skin I think, is the major difference. Li's is fine and soft, whereas Dongshen's is much coarser and rougher.

As he touched my legs, I felt his shoulders beween my knees and his lips on the inside of my thighs. Yes! He was going to lick me. Oh Dear Diary, you know how much I love that! I felt his mouth moving over my skin, his lips mouthing it, his teeth gently nipping parts of me, then his mouth was on my quim! I felt his lips on my nether lips, his tongue toying with my little button. His chin was slightly prickly, with his bristle, but I didn't mind that at all. It was his mouth that was pleasuring me.

Dongshen stopped and spread my nether lips, and I think he was just looking to ensure he has seen what he was paying for. I knew my maidenhead was intact, Li made sure of it. "Mmmm, nice," he said. "I am going to make you feel good now, just with my tongue."