My Korean Christmas Prince Ch. 04

Chapter 4: YEONG-SOO

I'm sitting at the dining table petting the cat (her name is Sonia, I remember), and I'm feeling more relaxed than I have in I don't know how long. Caleb is doing the washing up, and even though I had offered to help it's just as well that he refused because the jet lag and lack of sleep are starting to catch up with me. The kitchen sink faces the table, and since Caleb is preoccupied with washing I can pretty much observe him as much as I like while pretending to be focused on the cat or my surprisingly high end glass of wine.

I'm already partial to a rugged man with a beard, but more than that there's something about this particular man, Caleb. I try to analyze just what about him is so magnetic. For one, aside from his impatience with the store clerk when we first met, he just seems to exude calm and patience and understanding... so much so that I'd found myself revealing more about myself than I'd meant to during the ride back to the house from the cemetery. I hadn't meant to bring up the whole sham marriage thing, since he would probably come to the obvious conclusion that the other big reason I'm doing it is that I'm gay, and more than likely that would be completely unwelcome in a rural area like this. But Caleb seems different from anything I would have imagined a farmer would be like. Just looking at how he dresses anyone might be fooled into thinking he's exactly what he looks like (albeit a really good-looking specimen). He could have been like that guy at the store, close-minded and prejudiced, but everything I'd seen and learned of Caleb since that first meeting has shown that he's nothing like that other guy. He's smart, gentle, kind, generous... to offer to take in a complete stranger, I still can't get over how generous he's been. I didn't go into all the other reasons I'm conflicted about marrying Yu-jin, but I imagine Caleb was able to read between the lines. Despite myself, I kind of hope he did... I wonder what he thinks about me...

I stop that train of thought immediately. What's the point? I'm leaving tomorrow. But even as I'm telling myself that, I can't resist letting the... contentedness, that's what it is, I can't resist letting the sheer contentedness wash over me. The feeling of relaxation is understandable. Half a world away from all the Asian tabloids, away from the never-ending paparazzi's prying cameras, I can let myself just relax for once. Be myself for once, instead of the perfect gentleman, the perfect "K-drama heartthrob". I feel years and years of constant and unrelenting stress just washing away from me, like muddied waters being carried out on the evening tide. When was the last time I'd taken a break? Had a vacation? I can't even remember.

But more than that I'm struck by another kind of warm feeling that I struggle to identify. Contentment and relaxation, sure, I feel that in my shoulders loosening and the lines in my forehead smoothing out. But more that that... the scene is just so incredibly... domestic. And so natural. It's like slipping into a comfortable pair of old jeans. Like somehow we've had dinner at home like this, just the two of us, for years and years, instead of just tonight for the first time. That's it, I think to myself. This is what a home feels like.

Chasing that thought comes more thoughts, more nagging and annoying, first a memory, from when I was young. My parents fought all the time, my mother wanting me to be an actor or an idol, my father wanting me to be a doctor, or a businessman at least. No siblings, so all of their focus on me, like a laser beam, all of their hopes piled up on me, weighing me down so I could hardly breathe. Definitely no sense of a home there. But there was a time I had a glimpse of what it could be like, the first time I realized what I'd been missing and how much I wanted it.

It was early in my career. Tae-seok, another actor in my agency, and I had been cast as brothers in the same series. It wasn't a big part because we were just the younger brothers of the main character, but almost all of our scenes were together. We'd spend the day on set and then the evenings going out to eat and drinking with a bigger group, but we always ended up sitting next to each other and ignoring everyone else. We would stagger back to each other's rooms and pass out on each other's couches or floors, and our agents would nag us and tell us we should be taking care of ourselves so that we would look our best for the camera. But we were young and invincible and so of course we ignored them, and pretty soon we were spending our days off together as well. The last part of the series took place in Italy, and while the rest of the cast and crew stayed in Milan where we were shooting, Tae-seok and I spent a weekend on our own hiking around a small town several hours away. We bought groceries at a little corner store and I cooked him dinner, the first and only time I've cooked for someone I was in love with. Because, yes, by that time I was completely in love with Tae-seok, even if I didn't fully recognize it and understand it myself. But then when afterwards, while sharing a bottle of local wine outdoors and watching a romantic sunset together, when I tried to kiss him...

I cringe at the memory. Tae-seok's response, like ice cold water thrown on me in the middle of winter. Luckily it was near the end of the shoot, so we didn't have to suffer through that many more scenes together. And of course we never talked about it, pretty much never spoke again, certainly were never alone in a room together ever again. It's a memory I've avoided for years and years, so why should I remember it now? Maybe it's because it's Christmas and I'm getting engaged to Yu-jin and I'm mentally and physically exhausted and feeling nostalgic.

Or maybe it's because of Caleb, a voice inside me says. At that I turn to look at him, and I find Caleb's eyes on me with a look of mild concern in them.

"Everything all right?" he asks. I look up at those warm and clear gray eyes and realize I must have been daydreaming and accidentally let the conversation die.

"Yeah, I'm great. Just a bit tired. It's been a long day," I say returning to the present day.

"I can imagine," he says, with that broad open smile again, that enveloping warmth in his eyes.

Caleb has finished with the dishes and is giving the counters one last wipe. I can't help watching him with a sense of longing. I'd forgotten just how badly I'd wanted this at one time, dreaming about a life together with Tae-seok. Quiet nights at home with someone I liked, really liked, someone I was attracted to both physically and emotionally. My agent and management company had seemed to sense what had happened with Tae-seok. I'm sure they were all well experienced with what to do about any gay young clients, and had well-established protocols and strategies in place for how to handle them, nip it all in the bud long before things got out of hand. They kept me working all the time, and I was young and ambitious, my career was taking off, and I was so hurt by what had happened, I let myself be ruled by them. I was happy to cut out that part of my life if it meant never having to face that pain again.

Caleb sits down next to me, and I realize I've gone quiet again.

"What are you thinking about?" he asks gently, inviting me to talk. I realize he probably thinks I'm still thinking about Yu-jin. I guess I am, really, in a way.

"Oh, just how different this is from my normal life," I say lightly and not completely inaccurately.

"You don't cook dinner for your girlfriend? Do you live together?"

"We do live together, but we're really just like roommates. We work all the time anyway and have different schedules, and we have a lot of social obligations for our work. So we're not home very much anyway." Yu-jin and I have had some pretend date nights for social media worthy photographs or magazine spread purposes, but as friendly as we are with each other, I'd rather be on my own to be honest than having a pretend romantic relationship with her, and she usually has some secret boyfriend or other on the side anyway (completely discreet and monitored and approved by her agent, of course).

Caleb seems to be waiting for a further explanation of what I meant by "different from my normal life", so I add, "My normal life is really hectic. I'd rather just be at home every night, actually. A quiet night at home is perfect. All you need is some good food, good alcohol, some nice music..."

The words "nice company" go unsaid and hang in the air between us as obviously as if I had said them out loud. Caleb, obviously not wanting to pry, doesn't ask me about any of my other relationships, but he nods as if in agreement and looks a little... wistful? Probably just my wishful thinking. I wish he would say something, anything, give me some sense of what he's feeling... I want to know if he's gay, and if he's dating anyone. What he thinks about quiet nights at home. What he likes, what he dislikes, what his past has been like, what are his dreams for the future. I want to know everything about him... But of course he doesn't say anything, and he's almost definitely not gay anyway, and with the memory of Tae-seok fresh in my mind and hanging over me I can't bring myself to ask him what he's thinking.

"Ready for bed? Did you want to turn in for the night?" Caleb asks, changing the subject.

"No, I can't sleep yet," I say immediately, shaking off my drowsiness, almost even before he's had time to finish the question. I want to spend more time just being in this man's company. I know I'm being ridiculous, but it suddenly feels like every minute of our one evening together has become precious. When was the last time I'd been so in tune with someone, even as friends? Even if it's not going to go anywhere, even though he's probably straight, I just want to enjoy this feeling of... I search for the words in my mind. "Friendliness". "Easiness". "Easy friendliness". This feeling of being in tune with someone without any effort needed. I just want to enjoy it for a little longer, to bask in it, like a little patch of warmth and gentle sunshine in the middle of winter.

Caleb smiles and nods. "But please don't let me keep you up..." I'm worried again that I'm imposing and taking up his time, but Caleb is smiling and reassuring me. His smile seems genuine, so I let myself relax again.

"Sorry, I'm not used to entertaining," he says. "I mostly just read in the evenings or play video games..." He looks questioningly at me to see if I'm interested in games, but I explain that even though I played them when I was younger, I don't really have time for much more than mindless ones on my phone in between scenes on set. Caleb stands up and pokes around the shelves in his living room. "I might have a deck of cards somewhere, or some board games... Actually, hold on a sec..." Caleb has a sudden glint in his eye and he almost trots from the room. Sonia looks up, momentarily wary at Caleb's sudden movement, but when I stroke her to calm her she settles herself back down, purring as gently as one of my sports car's engines.

Just a minute or so later Caleb returns with an armful of DVDs. "Look at these," he says, grinning widely while dumping a stack of them onto the dining table.

I start to look through them and start laughing. "Why do you have Asian DVDs...?" I start to ask.

"I'd forgotten I have them," Caleb says, chuckling himself. "Actually, I used to work in international finance."

"International finance? Wow. You must be smart." So I was right, I think, congratulating myself. He hasn't been on a farm his whole life.

He chuckles again at my compliment, and the sound makes me melt a little inside. "I worked in Europe for a while right out of college, and then I spent some time in Hong Kong and then Seoul. Some co-workers in Seoul knew I like movies, so they gave me all of these when I left. I've only watched a couple, though."

I nod. "You held your chopsticks well. And I was wondering how you know so much about Korean food. How did you end up working on a farm? It's your parents' farm, isn't it?"

Caleb is looking through some of the DVDs in his hands and is looking at the backs of them and obviously only half-listening to what I'm saying, so I follow his gaze, and with a discomfiting jolt I suddenly recognize the title of the one about a third of the way down the stack. Without waiting for a response from Caleb to my previous question I burst out with a loud stream of unrelated but hopefully distracting jabber as I reach for the DVDs he's holding.

"You said you might have a deck of cards, right? I haven't played card games since I was in high school, but all my co-workers play. I would love it if you could teach me some games, maybe poker...?"

But it's too late. Caleb has been glancing at each DVD and tossing them aside and has already gotten to the one I was trying to grab from him... Love in Springtime. He's stopped and is staring at the cover with sudden understanding, and then he looks up at me in surprise with wide eyes.

"This is you!" he says holding the DVD up in front of him and looking at it, and then up to me, and then back down at the cover again, comparing the face of the man (part of a picture-perfect smiling couple) to mine. "You're Kim Yeong-soo!"

Damn. Dammit, dammit, dammit. Just my luck. What are the odds? Seriously! For half a second I think about denying it, but I realize it wouldn't be any use. Resigned, I nod a little sheepishly.

"You're huge! I thought you looked familiar! I can't believe I forgot your name. Or your face! Your face was everywhere when I was working in Korea. It was like every other ad had you in it the whole time I was there." Caleb isn't hiding his surprise at all, and I try not to visibly wince.

"I was in a couple of really popular series at the time," I say trying to downplay it. "I got lucky. They were really good roles--"

"What in the world are you doing here? Are you filming a series here? Or a movie? In America? You said you were here 'travelling for business'!" That last bit is a little accusative, and I hold my hands up in protest at the sudden torrent of questions.

"It's a kind of business," I say a little defensively. "It's a series a Korean director I've worked with is doing for Hollywood about a family of immigrants. It's a featured role, but it could get me more known in Hollywood--"

"Wow. Kim Yeong-soo in my house, in the middle of Wisconsin. I can't believe it." Caleb is still looking at me in amazement, and I sigh to myself at the inevitable change, which I've seen many times before. So much for a normal, quiet evening. My heart sinks at his reaction, and I start to wonder if I'm going to be able to stay here after all, or if he's going to try to sell secret candid pictures of me on the Internet. No, he wouldn't do that, would he? Oh, shit, I told him about my fake girlfriend...

Caleb has gone back to studying the front of the case. "I recognize her too. Min Yu-jin," he says, reading the name. "I remember she was super popular too.." Wait... he can read Korean? Does that mean he can speak it too? I don't have time to start worrying if he'd heard what I'd said about him before, because Caleb is still speaking, and this is all way more than he's said this whole time up to now. "Weren't you dating in real life? I remember I had co-workers who would get so excited about you two whenever you were on the cover of a magazine or doing an interview on TV together. Is she your girlfriend? The one you're going to propose to? Wow, talk about a 'power couple'!"

Caleb suddenly realizes he's crossed a line and shuts up immediately. "Sorry, sorry. It's none of my business..."

For a moment I don't respond, still thinking about how he might sell my story to the highest bidder. But the cat's already out of the bag, and I can't help but trust him, and I find I want to try to explain it more, rather than try to cover it up.

"No, it's okay. Yes, she's the girlfriend I was talking about. But like I said, it's just for publicity. It's common for an actor and actress to get linked together when they're in a popular series together, and I guess when they have a lot of chemistry on-screen. We've been in three series together as the leads. This one will be the fourth time we've worked together."

Caleb has that sympathetic look again, and despite my embarrassment and a real fear that he's going to use this against me, it feels good to finally be able to say everything out loud. Somehow it's become really important to me that Caleb understand what my life is like, why I'm going to get married to someone I'm not in love with.

"When you're an actor, your personal life isn't your own, do you know what I mean?" I try to find the right way to say it, to make him really understand what it's like. "You have to have a perfect life on-screen and off. You have to sacrifice a lot. You... can't be yourself. Ever. No matter how much you might want to sometimes. You never get a break from being a lead actor." I end my explanation a little awkwardly, but I hope Caleb picks up on what I'm leaving unsaid, that he's understanding what I really mean.

"Come on, just try and forget about it," I tell him, trying to grab the DVD from him, to futilely put the genie back in the bottle. "Don't watch that show. People always treat me differently when they know I'm an actor."

"Not just any actor," Caleb says, as if he can't help it, but it's like he's rubbing salt into an open wound. "You're like the most famous actor in Korea! And that means in pretty much all of Asia, too." He holds onto the DVD protectively against his chest, and so with a sigh I give up trying to take it from him.

"Please, stop," I say, no longer trying to hide my grimace. "I'm not *that* famous. And I don't want you to think about that. I liked being treated normally. I... really liked it."

Caleb, now that the initial shock has worn off somewhat, is studying me a little thoughtfully. He's holding the DVD case in one hand and has started tapping out a random rhythm with it against his leg absentmindedly. Once again I really, really wish that I knew what he was thinking.

"Sorry about that. It was a big surprise," he says apologetically. "But, Kim Yeong-soo in my house!" He immediately smiles in apology again. "Sorry, seriously, I'll shut up about it now. But, you know," he says thoughtfully, changing his tone, "that celebrity stuff doesn't bother me." He's speaking more matter of factly as he turns to straighten up the DVDs scattered on the table. "You don't have to worry about that." He stops and looks me in the eyes again. "If you want to act like you're just a regular person, I'll treat you like one, not like some special prince."

I look back at him, and that light in his eyes seems to burn with a kind of clear purity that I don't think I've ever seen in anyone else.

"You know," I say a little slowly and thoughtfully, mulling it over out loud, "I think you would actually. Not treat me any differently." If anyone could look past me being a celebrity, I really think Caleb would be the one, even just from the little I know about him. "But still, let's not watch it. I hate watching myself in anything."

"Of course, of course, we can watch something else," Caleb says. He leans over and blows out the Christmas candles on the table and then picks up the DVDs and walks over to the couch in his living room, leaving me to follow behind him. "And besides," he says throwing an impish grin over his shoulder, "I've already seen it."

"Oh, no. Really?" I say with a childish pout, my mind quickly running through all my scenes in the show.

"I especially liked the part where you had to run out into the street with just a towel on," he adds teasingly. I feel myself flushing with embarrassment, and he laughs out loud at my reaction, and I can't help but laugh along with him and feel keenly aware that more and more, I'm... I stop myself again and carefully reorder my thoughts. I find myself enjoying his company more and more. As friends. Yes, that's it. As friends.