My Mum's Secret

We have been living in a rented house now for nine years. My parents were saving up to buy their own home. It was coming up to my eighth birthday. I can recall the day as though it had happened yesterday. My father had told me.

In the last six weeks, my parents sex life was dying. My father for the life of him. He did not know why. It was a mere 24 hours before my eighth birthday. My parents sex life was now dead. Dad asked why, but he never got an answer from my mother. He still did not know why.

It was a bright Sunday morning; Dad went and played a round of golf with a good friend. He walked into the house; and was peckish. He knew our lunch would be all ready. Dad looked at my mother and she was ready to go out. "Are we going out for lunch?" My father had said.

"Will you sit down? I have got something to tell you!" My mother had said, So, dad sat down.

"I am leaving you for good!" My mother had said.

"We will be getting a divorce and I am taking our son James with me!" My mother had said.

Dad shouted out "What have I done and who is it!" My father had said.

"Robert, since you have asked, it's John Holden at work," My mother had said.

"He is not worth it. I am a better man than he is, ten times over." Then, they heard a car horn. My mother was walking to the door, turns and looks at my father. "Robert, please don't try stopping me from leaving you," My mother had said.

My father looked at the car; I was sitting in the back seat. John Holden was standing next to his car with a big grin. My mother turned and walked out of the door and left my father for him.

The hours turned into days, and then weeks and months all dragged. My parents' divorce lasted over eight long months. My father I did not see much of me. That was when my father was single once again. Which is not what he wanted in his life. I was still in love with my mother.

All my dad now had was visiting rights to me. Two days on weekends, he longed for them to come. he saw me for 104 days a year. For the rest, 261 days, all he did was go to work.

These days passed for my dad without my mother and me. Dad loved me so much and my mother. Dad went to the bank and opened a bank account in my name. When dad picked up at weekends,

dad asked my mother the same thing every time. "Rose, would you please tell me why we divorced?" My father had said. All he got was a lovely smile.

The days, weeks, and years passed. Dad had to watch me grow up with a stepfather and dad did not care for. He knew his values were different from his own. Dad had to grip his teeth and bear it. That day, my mother left my father for Holden. He prayed my mother would return to him.

On my birthday, Dad prayed and prayed for both of us to return. Dad began to hate all holidays, as they meant nothing to him; all dad wished for the year in year out was for my mother and me to go back home he missed us so much.

Dad had only one prayer to say in church. This one and only one prayer dad repeated. "My love please return to me. I love you so much." He called to the god and goddesses of love; neither of them listened to him.

Dad had been able to see me for some years now from me being eighteen. And it was coming up to my twenty-first birthday. I was now a full-grown man and dad was looking forward to seeing me. I was glad to see and speak with him. My twenty-first birthday party was held at John Holden's house. It should have been dad's job to be the host but that was not to be.

Dad loved looking at my mother; she had not changed one bit. Dad was still deeply in love with my mother. Dad spent a good deal of time chatting with me. My mother kept on looking over at my dad all day. He did not want the day to end.

Two years had passed and I was twenty-three, and I had met a lovely girl, Kate. We were getting married within a month. My mother had been feeling ill. Well before the wedding, and my mother told nobody.

She did not even say a word to dad at the wedding. She was at the doctor's and he had sent her to the hospital for tests. My mother had the Big ''C''. She had only had two weeks to live. She told nobody. Dad did not know at the time.

Dad's telephone rang. It was John Holden asking dad over and that was strange of him dad thought at the time. "He would call the next day after work," My father had said. He went round to his house. He let dad into the house.

"Please sit down and would you like a drink?" Holden said.... "No thank you," My father had said. Dad was looking for my mother but unable to see her. "Robert, there is no easy way to say what I will tell you," Holden said. There was a long pause.

"Your ex-wife is dying; she has the big "C."... "She cannot be, she is still young," My father had said.

"He want to see her right now, where she is," dad said shouting.

"She is in Hospital and you should go and see her soon before it is too late." Holden said.

Dad jumped up to his feet and ran out of his house. He was racing. All dad wanted to see was the woman he loved all his life. He found the room and walked straight in. Kate and I were already there. I was holding my mother's hand sitting at the side of the bed.

Both of dad's eyes were filling up. He was crying looking at the woman he had loved for so, so many years. She was looking at dad. He had tears pouring down both his cheeks. "Stop saying that I am the one who is dying.

Will you please tell me one thing?" she said.

"What will that be?" My father had said.

"Why on earth did you not marry some lucky woman years ago," Dad smiled at her.

"No one can ever take your place and you were the only one I ever loved, and it is never going to leave me." She knew what dad had said was true.

"My love please tell me now why you divorced me I want to know after all these years?" She looked at dad but did not give him an answer. She was looking at dad the way she used to with that loving smile.

"Give me one of those kisses of yours I have missed for such a long time," My mother had said. Dad leant over to her and gave her a quick kiss.

"Robert. I would love a long passionate kiss; I mean like the ones when we were married lovers," My mother had said. Dad wrapped both his arms around her, picking her up off the bed. He kissed her for all his worth. It lasted for minutes then he lowered her back on the bed.

I looked at my mum after my dad had stopped kissing mum. Both mum's eyes were ever so bright, she was staring at dad, with a beaming-loving smile. At that moment, I then wondered why. I had never seen it when mum was with Holden.

"You don't know how I have missed that for all those years without you," My mother had said.

"That is the same for me too," My father had said.

My mother then looked at me and she was still smiling.

"Do not blame your father, he never did one thing wrong," My mother had said.

"What do you mean mum?" I said.

"James I was the one who left your father and I divorced him; he loves you more than you think. I was the one who caused our break up and divorce, and your father did nothing wrong!" My mother had said.

"John Holden is the one who made us break up!" My mother had said.

"Can you please tell me why?" My father had said.

"I have written a letter to you!"

"Robert that Sunday when I walked out on you, I have regretted every single day since!"

"My love when I am no longer here, please do not hate me."

"The letter is with my solicitor. He is to deliver it to you only."

"Robert, will you do one more thing for me before visiting time is over," My mother had said.

"Yes, my love," My father had said.

"Please give me a long wonderful kiss again," mum said.

Dad's next kiss lasted and lasted until they broke.

"I have craved that wonderful kiss of yours for years my love," my mother had said.

As soon as my father stopped kissing my mum, her eyes were brighter than before. Mum's loving cheerful smile came back once again. I had never seen it in the past. I wondered why.

Dad and I left the hospital together and we went for a drink and chatted. Mum died in the middle of the night. My father had wished he stayed at mum's side talking over old times with the few years they had together.

At my mother's funeral, I had a strange feeling that there was something wrong. I stood there looking at my stepfather. Wondering what feelings, he had for the loss of mum at the time. My wondering soon ended at what I saw. He was standing there with no emotion at the loss of his wife my mother; he did not even shed a single tear for my mum.

I looked at my father, tears pouring down his face. It was the second time I had seen a grown man cry so much. Watching my dad, it was heart breaking for me. I did not understand at that time. Mum's solicitor was there, he handed my dad the letter from my mother.

The funeral was over; my stepfather looked over to Kate and I.... "James, Kate we are leaving now are you coming with us," he said.

"I want to stay for a while," I said.

My stepfather left the side of the grave. I was standing there with Kate and dad. Tears were pouring down dad's face. The three of us were standing there, ten Atom bombs would have gone off next to dad. He would never have noticed or batted an eyelid.

I stood and watched my dad at his side. He was muttering to himself the only words able to make out were "I love you so very much."

I held my dad. He was also holding me back.... "Dad, I am taking you home."

We went back to dad's rented house. Once at home, dad tried reading the letter from my mother.

"I will read it tomorrow when I have calmed down," dad said. I stayed with dad for an hour or so. I left with Kate.

In the morning, Dad sat down for breakfast with a cup of tea and a biscuit. He then picked up the letter from my mother then started to read it. Both his hands were shaking like mad; he had tears in his eyes. He did not want to read it. He knew I had to read it for my mother's sake.

============

This is what was inside the letter written to my father.

Robert, you were the only true love in my life. I have never stopped loving you for all the years we were apart; I never wanted an ex for a husband. You were the love of my life and it will never change. Look after our son James, you and he are so alike. I love you both so much.

Please forgive me. I never wanted a divorce, but I had to!

Robert, the reason I divorce you is that John Holden was blackmailing me to have sex with him. He knew something you did not know. It was a month and a half before James's eighth birthday which is why our sex life stopped. It was not because I did not love you. I would not have good sex with you after John Holden had sex with me.

Robert, when I looked at you before I walked out on you. All I wanted was your arms around me and making our passionate love to me there and then, I only wished you now had. Robert, I was weak, John Holden was controlling me. Because of something, he had discovered about me. I only now wish I had told you.

I cannot tell you my secret, it will die with me. John Holden still knows all. I was only protecting you and our son James. Please do not be mad at me when I am in the grave. I will love you forever. My love will be pouring out to you and our son.

Robert day I left you going to John Holden. You said he is not worth it. I am a better man than he is, ten times over. You were wrong. You were a trillion times better than he was.

He was lousy in bed. The last time in my life I had a full orgasm was with you one and a half months before I left you. In the years, I was with John Holden. I did not want to have his baby. He wondered why. I made sure of it. I was on the pill.

I hid them from him. I kept a diary making sure I never forgot. There was not a chance in hell I would have any children with him. If it were possible without him knowing, I would have my tubes tied as well.

The years with him my sex life ran around me masturbating thinking you making love to me.

I had to do everything he said in fear of what he said he would do. His weapon was fear he had over me. I was a sex object to him. I made moaning noises for him, so he would think I was enjoying sex with him. I hated and despised him with every bone in my body.

I was thinking it would destroy us. If I had known now all these years later, it would never have happened. I wish there was a way to turn the clock back and tell you, my secret. I have been suffering from guilt. I know you would have stood beside me, sorry my love.

You should know he bought James love with presents all the time. I hated everything he did for James. I have regretted that day I left you, my love.

Robert, three weeks ago I watched a TV program. Her story was the same as mine. She returned to her husband in less than three years. I was angry with myself knowing you would have stood by me. Our life would have been so much better.

Please forgive me, my love. I will love you forever and ever. Rose. xxx

===========

Dad read the letter at least a dozen times. He kept looking at the photograph of the love of his life. Dad picked up the telephone and I wanted to speak to John Holden.

He spoke to John Holden on the telephone. "Would you do two things for me," My father had said.

"If I can, yes, Holden said."

"Please look after James, and he loves you a great deal," My father had said.

"I sure will," Holden said.

"It is possible that you will refuse the next one if you do, I will understand," My father had said.

"What is that?" Holden said.

"Would allow me to go to the grave next to my ex-wife!" My father had said.

After a long pause, Holden said, "Yes."

"Thank you so very much, could you please put that in writing for me," My father had said.

"I will tell my solicitor to write the letter. Then, I will get James, my stepson, to hand it to you," Holden said.

Dad thanked him. Dad hated that conversation. At that very moment, if he were face to face with him, Dad would have killed him when he said the words, "My stepson!"

What my mother had written to my dad, John Holden was blackmailing her into having sex with him, and fear was his weapon? They kept ringing in dad's head. There was no hate for my mother, only pure true love. After reading her letter all dads hate and anger dad now had for John Holden. If he had killed him the police would have arrested him for murder everyone knew how much dad loved my mother.

Dad was walking to the Cemetery to visit my mother's grave. All he was thinking of was John Holden was blackmailing her into having sex with him, and fear was his weapon. Dad stood at the grave with tears flowing down my face. Dad jumped his mobile phone started to ring. It was me.

I was asking dad "If I was all right," I said.

Dad was unable to speak.

"Dad, tell me where you are right now," I said.

"I am at your mother's grave," My father had said.

Dad was crying into his mobile phone. The phone went dead. I was standing at my father's side. Dad turned to me and held me tight and I held dad tight.

"Dad, I am taking you home."

Dad had stopped crying. "Dad can you tell me why you have been crying again," I said.

"Son, I have read the letter from your mother," My father had said.

"Dad, it cannot be all that bad," I said.

Dad looked at me both his eyes filling up. "James, you should read your mother's letter," My father had said.

"No thanks dad, that is between you and mum," I said.

"James, I want you to read it. Trust me you will not believe what is in it!" My father had said.

"If that is what you want, I will read it!" I said.

Dad poured out two whiskies and handed one to me. "Sorry dad, I do not want it, thanks," I said.

"Son, hold it while you are reading your mother's letter. You may feel like you want it," My father had said.

James now begins reading his mum's letter. James then started to drink the glass of whiskey. James looked over at me several times while he read. He read it two or three times now on his second large glass of whiskey. Not, saying a word for a few minutes. James turned to look at his father. He was looking at a photograph of his mother.

"Dad, I know now! how much mum loved you. John Holden was blackmailing mum about some secret mum had," I said.

"Yes, son I wish I knew what it was," My father had said.

"Dad thinking about it at this moment, Holden brought my love through presents he did not love me he bribed me. I now see why mum did everything he told her to do. I also now know why mum watched us leaving Holden house mum loved us both. Dad, I will see you tomorrow, please tell me about your life with mum, the good and bad," I said.

When I got home, I sat on the sofa with my head in my hands and burst into tears. I told Kate everything that was in the letter to his father. She then realised how much James' mum loved his dad and Kate started to cry.

Kate and I went to dad's house every night. He told both of us every detail from the day he met my mother. As the days wore on, Kate and I realised how much dad loved my mother. Now hate and anger was building up in me.

The months went by and my father started to change. Dad was not sick, not what you would call medical sick. Dad's sickness was caused by the loss of my mother. Every day, dad was dying in front of me. I was unable to do anything to help my dying father. My dad now had become a broken man.

Dad looked at photographs and he watched videos of the three of us before I was eight all the time. The dad had kept all their love letters over the years; he was reading them every night.

My father had been planning something for weeks. He sold all his goods and paid every penny into my bank account. I did not know at the time what dad was doing. When I was there with dad, He told me to take anything from the house that I wanted.

My father had gathered all the photos, tapes, and letters about his and mum's life before I was eight. Dad sat down and wrote a letter to me, as mum had done before.

Dad was dying in front of me within twelve months of mum passing. He bought eight petrol cans filling all of them up. Dad emptied the cans all over the house and then set fire to the house. He watched the house burn down and dad killed himself with an injection. Dad died of a broken heart from losing my mum.

I buried dad next to mum.

After my dad's funeral, a solicitor handed me a letter from dad. He had written to me, handing me all the letters, photos, and tapes. That dad had requested him to do it. It was all about dad and mum's life before I was eight. I was at home with Kate reading my dad's letter.

It was so distressing what dad had written to me. Dad's honesty in what he had written had taken me hours to read. I sob at dad's every word! Kate also read the letter; she was as upset as I was.

Weeks passed by. I returned to my stepfather's house to seek photos, tapes, and letters.

"I asked John Holden if I could see them and I would take them home with me," I said.

"Have a good look around and take what you want," Holden said.

When I was searching the house, I came across a shoebox. What I had found inside were love letters written to my dad. Each letter is tied with blue ribbon tape and a bow. On each one, it said. "To my true darling husband Robert." Each one dated the day mum left my dad. The only difference from each was the year after I was eight. On the bottom was an envelope on the front. It said, "My loving family." What I found inside, photographs of my mother, dad, and me! I removed all of them.

At home, I watched all the tapes. Mum did not seem happy to be close to John Holden. After I had watched the tapes, what mum had written to my dad was true. It was there and then, I decided on revenge for my parents.

I now had a problem uncovering what was my mother's secret. It happened about two months before my eighth birthday. I went to the reading library to search for all four newspapers in the area. I was looking for that item that would throw some light on my mother's secret. I read all the newspapers one by one, making sure I did not miss one item.