My Psychology Of Been A Cross-DressbyNicola_cd©
It has to be said, why this was wrote I am not sure, I am finally beginning to understand the journey I began at the age of six and perhaps doing it this way helps. It's a short narrative, that attempts to explain my thinking and the frustration of accepting who I am.
This is not an erotic story; it is factual, honest, account of ones person struggle of the internal and external influences that have come about, without going to much in the dark past of my life.
I'm not sure if anyone other than me will actually read this, if anyone other than me is really that interested, though the grammatical errors will undoubtedly be in, it has to be said that it was probably the hardest piece of writing I have done to date.
For years it had been hidden, closeted away, indulge once or twice a week, with age I thought the desire, the need the compulsion would fade, it didn't, it got worse, stronger and more resilient. The unyielding ambition, the thought consuming wants of my other personality expanded, frustrations grew, depression commenced, long periods of that, I knew something had to be done an incentive to get things back in order.
By the time I was 33 the pain was unbearable, the anguish terrible, mood swings, loss of temper, the distant feeling, sensations of been trapped. I lived my girlfriend, and her three kids, most of whom were grown up, late teenagers, I thought a lot of them, a lot of her but realised I was sacrificing so much of me to make them happy. I couldn't relate this to her, that sickening sense that maybe she would understand, but her kids maybe not, those few months of self inflicted agony, tore the relationship apart. Right or wrong, and don't get me wrong, I still feel awful about it, but I had subconsciously made a decision not to fight to save the relationship. I knew it was going hurt, I was giving up an entire family and a woman that I had come to respect and love, but the complications were massive.
In truth I felt atrocious, self confidence slumped to an all time low and in my head was this war between who and what I was. It was a compulsion to accept the inevitable, to embrace my true nature, but to embrace it alone and destroy the very things that for so many years had made me "happy". When the split came, it was more complicated than I thought, gut wrenching, I went through a period where I tried to save it half heartedly, but then backed off as the other side kicked in.
I've learnt that when times are sad and depression sinks in, there is only really one thing where I find solace in, the same place I always have had ever since the age of six. The dye, as they say was set, choices made depressed, hating myself, my family, friends oblivious some not caring or at least feeling like that. The compulsion grew within me, the real true need to discover the acceptance; at least my own acceptance of me was paramount and with it came the birth of Nicole.
Nicole or Nicola as she has become known, has always existed, few times she has surfaced, but only ever in discreet corners of the world, well my world really! What's changed is a fundamental understanding of her; she is her own lady, who still at times struggles with her femininity. She tries to reach perfection, to understand the mind set of her status, the psychology of her gender and the clash which that often brings. She is loving, compassionate, loyal and always respectful to her superiors, a submissive lady that is hopeful of acceptance, adaptable and open-minded but sane and cautious, often quite shy till one gets to know her. She has visions of how she should look, of at least the true, naked desire to be that female in looks, tirelessly she works to perfect the art of make up, to show her radiant beauty that is there, she hopes, but knows it takes time.
Nicola, is in case anyone hasn't guessed by now a tv/cd, though she when dressed believes and acts as a lady. Many TV/CD's and the general population today think of them as nothing more than just sexual enjoyment, they dress for pleasure, but for her, for me, for we both are entwined and will forever be, you can not separate one from the other. There is something sexual/sensual, but 99% of it is just pure nature, a craving in my nature, in my creation that demands to be acted and portrayed.
What do we/I want as a person, I guess the same as everyone, to be understand, loved, but also respected, to know that someone knows every aspect of you, accepts who and what you are, encourages that female to grow, and blossom, and never frowns or look down upon you as the words pervert have once or twice been spoken, to me, though they didn't realise at the time, they were classing me as that.
Nicola believes in servitude, mutual respectful service, she won't just serve anyone a connection has to be there, the understanding, the principles amongst others. She knows its not just about sex, for her its been able to dress, to be guided, to live the role, the life that suits her and be in the company of an understanding, though challenging Dominant, preferably, the hope is a Mistress, however one has to be real here and accept they are few and far between, most ladies find a cross-dresser repulsive, hence the reason why so many remain closeted these days. This is a shame, as many cd/tv's have a unique understanding of how to please, serve, their Mistress/partner, it is true some of it maybe through gratitude at been dressed but also its about them having or trying to understand the form, the body and mind-set of a woman.
In the last six months, Nicola has grown, her wardrobe expands and will continue to do so, her life has changed, her first "daring" outing has taken place, a rushed effort admittedly, 48hrs to gather everything and be at Manchester for the Sparkles event, which though for me lasted just 24hrs, it was utterly fantastic, and well worth the overall £500 it all cost.
Now I know I could never give her up, since that first outing, she has grown exponentially, if the hope was, which at one time it was, to do it and think that maybe the feelings would ease down, it certainly was a totally misguided approach or wish, for all that it achieved was opening the true character and ways of my fem form, Nicola even further. I realised that the desires and dreams could be realised, along with the wishes, and hopes, everything got a new lease of life, rejuvenated and feeling totally at ease in her feminine form, the momentum was massive.
Today my life has changed beyond anything I thought possible, Nicola isn't just an influence, she is a need, a way of life, her character, her thoughts, transcend into everyday life, she is in my thoughts always. The hunger and yearning to be her never wanes or fails, my only source of true relaxation is to bring her out, to be her and let the feminine woman shine through.
A day doesn't go past when I aren't dressed, when I don't think about what I want as her, the hopes and wishes, the indulgence of femininity, to create the lady that she should be. At times I think she is over-powering the male gender that I was born as, but I know also that circumstance as they stand wouldn't permit her to exist 24/7, if a different time, different place existed then she probably would become the full time woman, but my family values and ties to my parent, sisters and grandparents don't allow that, they would frown upon it and as I have already lost my farthers family and the family I gave up to give Nicola this chance, I can not lose my mother's side.
How does it feel to become Nicola, liberating, rewarding, self indulgent, happiness, all are true, but I feel like I am being me, that for this period in time when dressed, my life is honest and stress free. Even as a male I am never without something feminine on my body, which is slim, smooth, tall and leggy, lol just so you know!, the feel of silk panties, stockings or tights, lingerie that discreetly graces my form, breathes a wave of silent euphoria throughout me. Peace and serenity prevails if you like.
I strive to reach the heights of perfection, to look like a man in drag, or man in a frock, is something I couldn't take, hence the testing and continuous search for that illusive appearance of femininity. Every time I dress, every time I use make up I discover something new, an element that I haven't tried but should, a new way of doing things. The internet is a limitless resource, from pictures of TV glamour models, to personal sites where one can view pictures, to glean information on how to make that subtle but delightful touches that adds to authenticity.
My goal is to have pride in myself, to be able to live with that dual role, admittedly Nicola is more dominating over the male form, but that I am learning to accept, I know I can not dress 24/7, the longing is there, but circumstance isn't. I'm acutely aware of the hope I have in finding that mistress/partner, whether I will or not remains to be seen, but I want to be able to make her proud, to know that what she see's is a female who wishes to make both satisfied. Some one that can walk down the street, to be convincing, to carry off the feminine desire and not cause any embarrassment, in this world looks is everything and I certainly know that much.
Nicola will continue to grow stronger, the desire to be her I am sure will never leave, she is my addiction, a person within another person, the one that makes me complete and relieves the stresses and tribulations of the day. For the first time ever since I began this adventure, almost three decades ago, now I have found that mental acceptance, recognised what makes me tick and makes me an individual. I can not see any reason why that will change, I don't believe it ever will, I am comfortable in my skin, still frustrated at times, maybe with the events coming up that I hope will be planned, such as the make over sessions and dressing services which I hope to employ, Nicola will get the chance to shine and the results might, just maybe give me the confidence to finally lay that final ghost to rest and be able to express my feminine side without fear.