My Very First Love

"Women Never Forget Their First Love...NEVER!"

A loving memory, by Laura

They say, "one never forgets their first love". It's funny since all my life I've asked, "who's they"? Is it just one "they" or are there hundreds of thousands of them swirling in and out of your life.

When my mother told...really scolded...me, on the day I wore yesterday's underwear..."Laura...please please please...never ever do that! A proper young lady never wears the same underwear a second day".

"But why, it's mine and it doesn't stink...it's not dirty...why?".

"Because 'they" say so, darling".

"Who is 'they', mommy"?

"Laura, just do as I say...please".

Is it the same "they"? Hmmmmm, I don't think so...I think there must be at least 2...a pleasant one and a repressive one. Well there has to be a pleasant "they" because the "they" that is inspiring my story, is smiling all over me...hundreds of pleasant thoughts and internal "smilies" are dancing throughout my head...my heart...my soul....so much so that I had to sit down and share...share with women that know what I'm feeling and trying to express...women that will forgive a grammatical mistake, because it is the moment that I will be sharing that is our connection...one that we have wrestled with in some ways and embraced in others...brought laughter and tears...and in all cases, a Truth.

Even though you don't know me...maybe by the slimmest of chances we passed by each other on a normal day, but you never thought, "Oh, that's the woman that found her first love with a girl named Tawny..."

Or I. "Oh, that's the woman that will be reading my story one day".

But we know, don't we...oh yessssss we do. So, here's my story of a night shortly after my 18^th birthday with my bestie of besties, Tawny, who celebrated her 18^th birthday, two months to the day before mine.

My family lived on a normal midwestern suburban street in Northern Ohio where fortunately friends were not hard to come by...it seemed that every home had at least 2 sometimes 4 or 5 kids that were always out playing and having the best of time...then the nighttime rolled in and the streetlights came on and the calls of all the children's names were called out to come home...and we did.

Two doors down from us was the Hickson family...Mr. & Mrs. Hickson's two daughters and one son joined our neighborhood frolics rain or shine...with or without colds...always there. Tawny was the youngest and my age and she had a joy about her that was unequaled by any of my current friends or even those that entered my life circle in future years.

She was kind of my ying to my yang...she was super athletic...not I! She took chances when chances were a tad risky...not I. She had a build to her that shouted, "I'm small but I'm mighty! I was always short in stature and was more on the quiet side. She was the social butterfly...not I...I loved to read and hang...she had long straight blonde hair...not I, mine was long, brunette and curly...her eyes were the most penetrating vibrant blue...mine, just hazel.

We were 8 or so when we first realized that where Tawny went Laura was sure to follow. Of course, other buddies came in and out of our lives...girls and boys...then more girls than boys...then a couple boys made their advances as they do, but always...ALWAYS...Tawny and Laura could be seen, and we just were together...ALWAYS!

I was the middle child between two brothers...one 4 years older and the other 2 years younger than I. They loved me though my older brother did leave some emotional scars that I'll never forgive, but that's another story and another day. They protected me...teased me relentlessly...as it must be the life mission of most brothers.

Tawny and I walked to school together every day...were always in the same classes in elementary school...were at each other's birthday parties...had hundreds of sleep overs and various shared meals, because we just were at the other's home when it was mealtime. And we talked about everything...I would explore new areas of town with Tawny...watch movies that scared us to death though I was the one always hanging onto her at the scariest parts...and she'd laugh....she always had this smile and "hehehehe" kind of laugh...she had thoughts and actions hiding behind her smiles...so unpredictable but I loved that in her...it was just one more bond between us that could never break.

Junior high rolled around and while our classes differed and some of our intellectual topics did the same...we were still "those two girls". As our girl group expanded Tawny and I would always have the follow up chats judging and analyzing every girl in our group...of course most of the time when we agreed, we were wrong, but it was one of those important little things in life that makes us who we are.

I think only twice did Tawny and I get cross with one another, and only once did we part ways in anger, albeit very short lived...the topic was fueled, as we reflected later, with the change in life that we were starting to experience and while our mothers knew...we were clueless... we both became little bitches. Thank God, it was a short-lived phase to our friendship. But through those years of "bitchdom", our mothers knew it was..."Just part of being a young woman", they said.

Tawny had the honor of being the first girl in our class to feel the curse of womanhood.

Whoah that was scary stuff even though we had talked and learned about our womanly developments, but when it hits YIKES, it ain't like what they said...what THEY told you never prepared you to feel like that...ugh.

And of course during our junior high years Tawny became a cheerleader...she was so athletic and when you break down who becomes a junior high and high school cheerleader, it usually went something like this..."is the person female" (check);" is she cute or attractive" (check);, " is she athletic and a competent gymnast" (double check); "can she dance well" (check); and as a bonus, if she is not really athletic but can dance, "does she have the 'right look' (check).

Tawny really really really wanted me to try out. I whined, "but I don't want to be a cheerleader and I can't do flips and splits and....". Next thing I know, I'm on the dance squad in 7^th grade and full fledge cheerleader in 9^th...hit that last check box for sure...you know, the "right look"...and I could dance.

And as junior high merged into high school, the cheer squad competition got fiercer. Tawny was so awesome at cheering...no question who was captaining the squad. I made the squad I was sure because of my dance skills...but in my case as they say, "that 'right look' works"...so silly but so true.

All through high school we made sure nothing was going to separate our friendship. While we now drove to school versus walking most days...and yes, our classes continued to differ...we somehow always had lunch at the same time and after school...welllllll cheerleading was our life. Yes, we still had home to home meals...we were like sisters in each other's home, and yes we continued our sleep overs...though the group sleep overs during our elementary and junior high slowly dwindled to just the two of us during high school. It's just the way it was.

Yes, we had boy dates...it was normal, don't you know, because we were "normal" mid-westerners...all American girls. And while we double dated almost all the time, and guys thought it was just weird...it wasn't because we just were inseparable...we were besties for 8 going on 9, then going on 10 years.

But there's something about being Seniors and 18...right? I mean we looked like women...well, 18-year-old women. Tawny had her athletic body, and while her breasts were to the smaller size, her hips were to die for. She had THE cutest bubble butt...the one where somehow everything from the middle of her back was pushed down & down & down and then POP, her butt just jutted out lower than most...but soooo jealous was I...so perfect was she. She was just so cute...so gorgeous...so beautiful!

Regardless, how happy were we to finally be 18...attaining that moment when you feel that the entire school body looks up to you, or at you for whatever reason...you're an adult but...wellllll....not quite....you're normal, but well...not quite...still so many unknowns now and to be.

I was shopping the other day. The items that I needed are not important to this story, but I was at a counter next to this woman, close to my age and height. The scent from her shampoo and conditioner tripped my sensory overload button. "OMG" instantly replaced my normal pensive shopping expression...it took my breath away...flash backs to our Senior year of high school and Tawny!!! "I'm sorry....and this is going to sound weird, so forgive me, but what hair products do you use". I asked?

"Redken she said...it's funny I've used Redken since forever".

They say one's sense of smell traces way back as the most powerful of your five senses...think of chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven when you were a girl...that smell never changes....never ever ever changes. And here was the scent of Tawny...right here...right now...next to me. I couldn't focus...I forgot why and what I wanted to purchase...my mind soaring back at hundreds of miles an hour to my days...times...moments with Tawny...especially to that one day our Senior Year. And now I knew I could never not recognize her scent (please forgive my double negative)...her essence...my first love... my only true love.

What just happened? Where am I? I feel so lost right now, yet this is the warmest and happiest I've felt in years...stumbling for some response back to this poor woman...I was speechless and dumbstruck. "I knew it", I whispered! I gathered the items I was about to purchase and said to the sales assistant, "I want to make sure that these slacks are really the right fit...going to go back to the dressing room for a bit...sorry".

Of course, I had been in the dressing room for about an hour already trying on so many outfits, tops and bottoms and finally deciding on what was right...and "yes" this poor assistant had brought an ungodly number of items for me to try on...reject...how about this...accept...and this...reject and so on. I know she thought I was going to put her through hell again, but that was not my intent.

I hadn't seen Tawny for at least 15 years...yes we had chatted...sent texts and Holiday Cards...stayed in touch as best we could, but her life went one way after our college days and mine another...but now, somehow, I was with Tawny again...enveloped in a myriad of memories and feelings...my emotions were rising to the point that I was holding back tears of bewilderment, yet joyful, excitement and the sadness that we weren't together right now.

Couldn't get to that dressing room fast enough...flew through the door...locked the door and collapsed on the bench...the clothes I wanted to buy scattered in front of me on the floor...the chatter of women in the other dressing areas was my white noise to the flashbacks from 1997...that night...that moment in my life where all of the clutter in my mind and soul took shape and the sense and reality of "who am I" came front and center. The night where some unanticipated excitement led to an internal calm about me that I hold true to this day...yes it would be many years later that I would be able to reroute all those societal norms that forced me off course, but my North Star was present finally and I was the happiest I have ever been...thankfully.

I gazed over to the dressing room mirror and images of Tawny emerged...closing my eyes, my Tawny days fast forwarded from our early play days to a slower pace of our high school days and then even slower to the day and the night as 18-year-old Seniors..."that night". Tears forming in my eyes...a warming sensation embraced my body...the initial internal sensations of arousal began... the firmness of my nipples...the wetness felt in my panties...the flushes... and there, staring at me with her deviously playful smile was Tawny's image. Right in front of me she stood...showing off her to die for bottom...her perfect athletic shape with her B Cup breasts. Like the witch in the Wizard of Oz...I was melllltingggggggg.

My mind was on fire! I could hear her mind whispering to mine, "I've missed you, Laura". My heart was racing.... and there we were coming home to my house after cheer leading a full night at the boys' basketball game...somewhat sweaty and exhausted but chatting away like little girls, despite being 18, as we walked up the stairs to my bedroom to change into our comfies after a shower and then spend another night sitting in bed chatting away about the day and listening to whomever was on my latest cassette.

Because of the brother thing...my younger brother being a sophomore and could be home with some of his buddies, anytime we walked the hallway to the bathroom, we made sure we had jama bottoms on and some decent top...flannel was good. You never knew who would pop out, but you always knew what they were looking at...so safer rather than sorry was our rule.

I showered first, then Tawny, and when we were both back in my bedroom. We had adapted to an accepted norm of sleep apparel...panty/bikini bottoms and a tee of whatever style we had available...our comfy clothes. Looking back, it's kind of funny, as most sleep overs with girlfriends, you were pretty much in pjs...top and bottom, but with Tawny and me, it just wasn't a big thing...we were comfortable being in our comfies and then listening to Jewel or Mariah Carey or whomever, as we discussed the day and latest gossip.

Lying on my back, eyes closed, listening more to Tawny's recitation of the day and week and month...non-stop chattering while I'm trying to relax to a distant song...more sleepy than chatty...but my eyes opened, head turned and said..."you know, you are driving me CRAZY GIRL...aren't you at least somewhat sleepy...or at least can you please bring up a topic...something that I can add a little bit...GEEZE TAKE A BREATH!" Silence....I mean silence silence....

So weird, but I could feel her breath on my face...warm yes, but still silence...I opened one eye and there is Tawny lying on her side staring at me...oh she saw my one eye looking at her...she knew she had my interest...then I felt this thing poke me in my side...she started to tickle me..."Stop it",! said sharply.

"Oh, you don't want to laugh tonight, Laura"? And the tickling continued...then her arm reached across my stomach, and she started tickling me on the other side...and then both sides...

I'm squirming like crazy now and laughing and asking her to stop..."please stop...Tawny, please stop" and then I'm twisting and laughing and soon I'm like screaming in laughter.

She is straddling me now trying to tickle me under my arms and my sides and laughing all the time..."Come on, Laura...you like this, I know"...

"Stop, stop, stop...I got to pee...if you don't stop I'm gong to pee the bed and that's not good...really stop Tawny...I have to go pee...get off me"!!!!

I couldn't get out of bed fast enough, and no time for our protocol...I just ran to the bathroom bikini bottoms and boobs flopping in my tee...barely made it, but I did. Listening to see if my brother or he and his friends might be lurking around...I didn't hear anything and I snuck back into my room...lights were off as I slipped into bed, but could tell that Tawny wasn't there...whoah..."Hey, where are you...? Tawny? Tawny?"

Then the dresser light went on...and at the foot of my bed was Tawny...standing there with her back towards me. "What are you doing"? I whispered. "Tawny? Hello...you all right?"

Then she started slowly..."give me an 'L"...She again said, "Give me an 'L'"!

"L", I murmured.

"Give me an 'A'"...

"A"...I responded...

She was spelling out my name while doing some basic cheer moves...and then she got to..."and what do we have?"

Silence..

"AND WHAT DO WE HAVE?"

"aaaaaaaa a 'Laura', I guess"...I said meekly.

"YES...LAURA!" she yelled and whirled around..."You have LAURA"!!!

And there in front of me was Tawny with the biggest most exaggerated set of boobs you could imagine....I now knew what gobsmacked meant....my mouth opened but nothing came out...slowly the "whhhhhhaaaaatttttttheeeeehelllllll" "what the hell are you doing...I mean what...."

"I'm you, Laura...yessss...I'm you"..."see how you look all pretty and hot and sexy...how do you like my big boobies?".... as she was shaking them up and down and side to side. To understand the boob-size dichotomy, one needs to know that my mom and her mother and her mother's mother...all the way down my mom's side of the family, the women were "blessed" with big bosoms. Mine were D-DD Cup, depending on the bra of the day...and as many of you know, each day wearing clean underwear, sometimes the tag had my boobies reading bigger than the day prior.

"Tawny...how did you do this? I mean why...what...why...geeze"...I said...stunned, but definitely amused. I mean, how could you not smile and laugh...a little.

She lifted her tee and showed me as she danced around that she was wearing my bra and stuffed the cups with a couple of my socks on each side and was clearly mimicking me...."do you like what you see?" As she is moving up the side of the bed..."do you?" "This is what I see every day and what everyone sees every day...of course I'm not as cute as you but how do you like looking at your boobs, like this?" "Hmmmm...well...say something" as she got right up next to my face. "How about this" as she leaned over and stuck her fake boobs in my face...roaring with laughter...and then she jumps on top of me...straddling me and wriggling and uttering all kinds of gibberish.

Of course, I'm squirming and wriggling around...laughing of course, cause this is the most bizarre thing Tawny has ever done with me ever ever EVER...I had so few words...."take this off"...

"NO"...

"Tawny, please take my bra off"...

"NO!"

"Please...please...please!"

"If you want it off, you take it off".

"Okay". as I struggle up and reach around her trying to unclasp her bra which was my bra...of course she had it as tight as could be...and as I'm struggling with the hooks & clasps, her face is in my face and laughing and giving me all these looks.

Saying, "Do you like your new Laura"? "Do you?" "Do you"?

Finally, I got it undone and I pulled off her tee and wrestled my bra straps off of her and she is still strutting her stuff but she's now naked...well waist up naked. Her pretty little breasts dancing around, and while I've seen them before in passing, something was different...maybe it was seeing her nipples...they were so enlarged...or maybe it was my view of them from underneath...but there was a beauty to them...a beauty that made me stare and wonder and then as she lowered them closer to my face...she got quiet.

I rolled her over on her back next to me...our eyes are locked...our expressions were different...there was a connection...different...it was so strange...here is my bestie of friends, ever...a play friend...my confidant...my sister that I never had but cherished as if she were...and we are just staring.

Was it gravity that caused the next action or was my neck just too tired...I knew it was neither as I always felt a closer physical and emotional attraction to girls...to women and I was now realizing that this was me...the real me causing me to get closer...and slowly my head was getting closer and closer towards Tawny...I saw that her eyes were closing...as were mine...and then...our lips touched.

Neither of us moved but the pressure of our lips increased...I could feel her fingers tighten on arms and my hands slid up to her face...there was this peace around us though my insides were bursting and exploding and charges of electricity ran rampant throughout...and my wetness increased...all in seconds...then BAM I yanked my head back...Tawny's eyes burst open and she looked at me...turned her head back and forth to get the perfect angle to say what we were both thinking...but it was a question..."are we queer"?