My Wife's Way

It was 11 steps from the door to the window. I paced. Moving grounded me. I remembered a rainy afternoon in downtown Tulsa, the wet street, the sudden coolness that met us leaving a bookstore, when she turned to me under the clouds and pointed at a young woman across the street, floating along the sidewalk like a little puff of femininity. "Look." Nicole said, and grinned. The girl wore a billowy wedding dress.

I could walk for miles. In movement I gathered the tiny pieces of my mind that were flying off in every direction.

The night before K had described his sailboat, a Benneteau SenSei, 55foot vessel that slept 8 and even had a separate captains quarters. He kept it at the Kona Kai Marina at the entrance to the bay and had invited us to have a drink with him on it after dinner but we declined. He added, "I had it out yesterday when the winds were gusting up to 25miles an hour. It was beautiful."

I started an email to Haruki. Before I could finish Nicole texted me. A photo of three whales, big spray ejecting from one's blow hole. "Magical!!!"

"Nothing is out of order." I said out loud and plopped down in square lounge chair in the room. The lamplight was yellow.

Why couldn't my wife have two kisses? I couldn't be touched if I decided I couldn't. But I wanted to be crucified. I needed this as much as I didn't need it. It was stupid. It was glorious. The woman I loved was relishing a moment.

This was her fantasy. I imagined her satisfaction and it caught me. I grinned, taken up by a lightness. I protested too much. I had lost a need to control what I couldn't.

At dusk I still had not heard from her.

At 8pm my phone vibrated. Unknown. It was K.

"It looks like you had a great time. I know Nicole loves the ocean and sailing." I blurted.

"We did," he said his voice flatter and more serious than I remembered. "We're at a restaurant eating. We just had a talk and she mentioned your fantasy, your what would you call it, your lifestyle?"

"Oh." I said. "Yes. I know what you're talking about."

"She said you're okay with her having sex with other men." He said. "I want to confirm that with you. Is that really true?"

My face burned, the bees in a frenzy, my mouth dry.

"Yes, that's true." I mumbled. "Have you been talking about it?"

"Yes. She brought it up."

"Oh." He told me that to tell me it was her idea.

"Look If you're not comfortable I understand. We'll call it a night. This is awkward."

"No. Don't."

I wasn't comfortable but I wouldn't spoil their party. Not only would Nicole resent me, I'd resent myself.

K spoke up.

"Peter, let me be blunt. I'd like to spend the night with your wife on my sailboat. We had a great day together. There's an old spark between us and I think she'd like to start a fire. Are you okay with that?"

"Sure," I nearly whispered. "Umm, Yes." I choked out my words then gathered myself a little. "I'm happy for you, happy for her. I think this is something she's hoped might happen. I know it is."

"I think you're right." he said.

"Have a great night." I said.

"I will." He said.

We hung up and I was in a daze.

@@@@@

We'd been home for two weeks when for the third time I asked her to tell me what happened that night. She wrinkled her face in a way that reminded me of tree bark but instead of saying "no" she said she'd written me a letter describing the night she spent on the sailboat with K.

We were lying in bed. Before she started, she set her phone in her lap, sighed, and looked at me as if she had grim news.

"He's not our plaything, darling. This isn't a game. I have real feelings for him. He knows you're a cuckold and accepts that. But I'm still wondering if you accept that."

"I do." I exhaled, the bees stirring in my heart.

"We'll see." She hummed sounding doubtful.

She picked up her phone and began reading.

My Dear,

I should start by saying thank you. You passed the test. At least so far. Not that I ever really planned to give you a test. What happened with K happened naturally and spontaneously, the way I've always wanted it to happen.

We've played this cuckold game by your rules since we started. Thank you being willing to do it my way.

Here's what happened that night K and I spent on his boat.

We sat on the deck. He put dropped anchor after we'd sailed through dusk. We were south of the city, maybe a half mile off shore. I loved the quiet and how the boat rocked. He popped the cork from a bottle of champagne and poured us each a glass. We drank to the starry night, to all the nights that had past since we were together. We drank to failed love. Then we kissed.

He took off his shirt. I knew he'd called you but that's all I knew. The night, the sway of the boat, the soft lapping of the water, left me feeling that the world was vast and beautiful and loving. But it also seemed tiny and perfect, as if nothing mattered but that moment.

I didn't like it that he'd called you. I wanted him to take me without permission. But he's a gentleman. I ran my fingers through his chest hair. I stroked his cock through his jeans and could feel his bulge, so I took him out. He's bigger than you, longer and thicker. His tip was wet, so I swabbed it up with my finger, tasted it, then reached and pinched his nipple. He squealed and jerked like a netted fish. I teased him. I pulled off my top and took of my bra. The ocean air was voluptuous. He undressed me, caressed and fingered me, laying me on a thin mat on top of his boat. I looked up into the black starry sky.

We fucked three times and he came inside me each time. I thought about making you lick me. I did. I thought about how I'd do that if you were there and that thought made me want him again, as if thinking of you drove me to his cock, made me greedy, refilled my desire. I know how humiliating that would have been for you to see that. But I'm glad you weren't there. This was just for me, my time, all mine. He never wore a condom, it never came up. It was like our first time and it had all the riotous excitement that made me forget about you and us and the rest of my life and bask in the moment, the taboo of his body in mine. Just remembering that night makes me tingle with joy.

I don't want a lot of questions. I'm not going to be jerking you off to stories of K and I every night. I expect you to accept that you're a cuckold and that from now on, we will do this my way.

I love you.

Nicole

As I listened I felt a shell break and a warmth spread to my toes and fingers from the center of my body. I was prepared to hear this. I didn't feel diminished. But yes I was erect. I wanted to make love to my wife, to reach for her, kiss and enter her. My body felt alive, glowing with a great satisfaction. This wasn't the fire of desire but something different, something less determined, less possessive, filled with an admiration of the force in her, her power, her woman and personhood. There were no spaces now. Beneath the hardness in her voice I relished her excitement. His desire moved her and I could see it in her face and feel it in the determination she had to create a boundary she did not want me to cross.

"I'm happy for you." I said my voice steady. "Your words make me hard. I'm sure you know that. But you sound so, ...so true and determined and free. Like you don't need to be somebody for me or anyone else. That's what I've wanted."

"Maybe you are a real cuckold darling." She said grinning.

@@@@@

Nicole continued to see K. She flew back to visit him a few weeks later and they spent a long weekend together on his boat.

That time was a huge challenge. There was a pain in my heart as I dropped her off at the airport. Time stood still for the first few hours after she left. I went to a large box store and wandered around for an hour before buying a new pair of shoes. She sent me a few teasing texts throughout the visit and called me at night before she went to bed to say goodnight. I was surprised at how ordinary she sounded, how easily she seemed to slip into this lifestyle. She'd reminded me numerous times that she didn't think about cuckolding too much, she just went with the flow.

I let go too. Once my initial gasping passed I started a long process of adapting to our new "arrangement." What kept me grounded were Harukis words- that if I loved my wife I'd be willing to "do it" her way just as she'd been willing to do it mine.

I took pleasure in her pleasure. We weren't apart more often than we'd been in the past. She didn't speak less to me or listen to me. She didn't stopped getting irritated with me if I wore plaid with plaid. But her pleasure was contagious and the self pity so common to jealousy missed me. I found myself relishing her excitement as if it were my own.

But I shouldn't paint such a rosy picture. Over the next few months there were ups and downs. She kept me in chastity for longer periods of time. She'd edge me monthly by giving me a hand job until I was about to cum and then let go, ruining my orgasm, leaving heavy dollops of semen pooled on my belly along with a yearning. I once walked in on her while she masturbated in our bed after speaking to K on the phone. She blushed then smirked and said nothing.

The whole time she was with K I never entered her.

"I don't know why darling." She said when I asked. "It just doesn't feel right to have you inside me with things so passionate between K and me."

"Do you think letting me fuck you would be like a betrayal?"

She laughed, paused and rolled her eyes. "Maybe. I'm just not that interested in fucking you and since you like being denied, since it makes you feel submissive, like my boy, I figured I'd just go with it."

She flew out to San Diego twice more, her last trip in early November. K visited her in Dallas, staying in a nearby hotel for a long weekend. On Saturday while visiting, he called me and invited me to the hotel. I met them for dinner and went up to their room. I watch K push Nicole to her knees. He'd made her wear her hair in pigtails. She called him "daddy." Her submissiveness surprised me. She'd been so dominate at home. She sucked him until he came in her mouth with a groan. He turned to me and asked. "When was the last time she sucked your cock?"

I winced. It had been years.

@@@@@

One a Sunday morning, the weekend before Thanksgiving, while lying in bed, my wife informed me that K had written explaining that he wanted to stop. She read his email.

Dear Nicole,

While our dalliance has been great fun and I'll cherish every moment we've shared over the past three months, especially those we spent on the boat, I've decided I need to stop. I can't think of much to say except that it's been wonderful. Wonderful. I never would have believed our reunion could be so amazing.

Thank you.

Also, you reminded me of what a mistake I made long ago. But I'm grateful you were willing to come see me, and touch me and at least for a while let us relive some of that passion. Tell Peter thank you too.

It's not for lack of desire that I want to stop. You've been a sweet, naughty girl. I'm full of desire for you. But I know it's not real. In the end you're happily married and have a life that I don't really fit into except as an occasional lover. That's not good for me.

I hope we'll stay in touch. Perhaps one day down the road you AND Peter can visit and spend a day on my boat.

I'd like that.

Very warm regards,

K

Nicole's eyes were glassy as she let her hands fall with her phone into her lap. She looked out over the end of the bed and said, "To be honest I was ready to stop too. It was fun."

She put her had on my thigh and turned to me. I caressed her cheek and smiled. A lightness passed through me, something similar to what I'd once felt when Nicole and I had gone hiking in the mountains outside of Santa Fe. We had stopped by a cold stream to stack rocks and write haiku. The rushing water was noisy and relentless and I remembered thinking it was like desire, pressing on and on and on, a kind of music that would eventually reach a lull and pool quietly someplace.

"It's four months since I've been inside you." I said pressing against her.

Nicole kissed me. She kissed me deeply.