Nights of Her Life: Dawn

On her way home, Veronica tried several times to still her thoughts. They raced from miserable to horrified to terrified. Uncertainty and doubt preyed on her mind and several times she reached in her pocket for her cell phone to call Jacob back. It always took several minutes to talk herself out of dialing his number.

To try and relieve her stress she swung by her church. It felt a little odd to be in church when it was not Sunday, but Veronica felt this would help her get a hold on herself. She genuflected as she slipped into a pew in the back of the church. A few other people milled around and a priest puttered around the confessional. For a moment Veronica thought she might go into the confessional just to talk to someone, but then decided against it. She had taken enough risks by talking to Cassidy today. Chloe's advice rang clearly in her head and it led the conclusion that it was best Veronica kept her big mouth shut about Jacob's past from here on out. Just because he had told her didn't give her the right to blab to anyone who would listen. After all, he'd carried this burden a lot longer than she had and as far as anyone else knew Veronica might be the first person Jacob had told about this ... thing.

After sitting for a few more minutes, Veronica determined she should pray to God about the situation. She knelt down and clasped her hands, but words of prayer did not come to her. She struggled to pray for a few minutes before finally she realized she did not know exactly what she was trying to pray for and that made it impossible for her to pray. However, she was in church and she had knelt down to pray, so habit told her she had to pray something. She contented herself with saying the Lord's Prayer and then she got up and left the church. Visiting God's house, had not completely assuaged her troubled mind or soothed all her worries, but it had, somehow, brought her a little peace. For that peace she stopped and thanked God before she wandered on.

As she got closer to home, she stopped and bought a pint of her favorite Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Haagen Dazs ice cream. However, as she walked out of the store she knew, dejectedly, that it would not ease her mind either. All it would do is taste good and make her fat. For a moment she wished she hadn't bought it, but then decided to give it to Chloe to thank her for all the support she had given Veronica over the past few days. The thought that the ice cream might melt ended Veronica's wanderings and turned her for home by the quickest route.

When she got home and locked the door behind her Chloe came out of the bathroom wearing her robe with her hair wrapped in a towel and a concerned look. Without asking any questions, Chloe simply walked up and wrapped Veronica in a big sister hug. Veronica sighed and closed her eyes.

"How did it go?"

"It went fine, I suppose. Cassidy explained it."

"Is it bad?"

Veronica only nodded into Chloe's shoulder. Chloe responded with a firm squeeze.

"Did Jacob call?"

"Yes."

"Well, that was good, right?

"Yes."

"What now?"

"I wait and see."

Chloe hugged Veronica again and then Veronica gave her the pint of Haagen Dazs. Chloe went to the kitchen, opened a drawer and offered Veronica a spoon. Veronica shook her head, so Chloe used the spoon herself. After a thoughtful spoonful, Chloe gave her a quick smile.

"Thanks."

"No problem."

"Veronica, you look exhausted. Why don't you try to sleep a little, hunny. You could probably use it."

Veronica thought for a moment.

"I don't think I can."

"Try."

Feeling too tired to argue, Veronica simply agreed and went to her room. There she lay down on her bed and stared at the ceiling, not sure what to do next.

Veronica had not slept much the last few nights since she had met Jacob, and, frankly, she did not expect to sleep much this night either. Sleep seemed impossible at this moment to Veronica, however, four days of sleep deprivation and deep emotion took their toll. As she lay on the bed, Veronica contemplated the futility of trying to sleep and then, seemingly mid thought, she fell fast asleep.

Somewhere in the depths of the night her cell phone chimed. She didn't wake up to it immediately. In fact, she initially tried to ignore it and stay in dreamland where she was with Jacob; naked bodies intertwined and sweating as one. The chime sounded again and she struggled against it as she tried to cling to the dream and Jacob just a little longer. Yet the chime insisted and finally she came awake and groggily looked around for her cell phone. She'd gotten a text.

It was from Jacob.

She sat bolt upright in bed, fully awake, with her senses strained. For a moment she simply stared at the lock screen and tried to decide if she was happy or scared. Her phone chimed again and she opened the lock screen to read it.

The first thing she did was look at the time of the text; 3:27 AM. Gratefully she noted that it was 3:30 AM, so she had only just received it and Jacob text hadn't gone unanswered for much time. Then she took a deep breath and read what Jacob had written.

"Hey, beautiful. I'm sorry to text you like this in the middle of the night, but I didn't want to call and wake you up. I just can't wait until morning to get this off my chest, so I'll say it now and you can read it whenever you get around to it. I have to tell you that I'm sorry and I hope you can forgive me. First off, I'm sorry if I sounded curt or angry with you on the phone yesterday. I didn't have any right to be that way and I'm sorry I didn't come around in person to see you. I really wanted to, but I figured I might have scared you off. Second, I'm sorry that I got all weird on you yesterday morning. You didn't do anything wrong and I shouldn't have reacted like I did. Anyway, I hope you'll give me a chance to explain it and make it up to you. Yours, Jacob."

Veronica felt the blood drain from her face. Cassidy had been one hundred percent right on about Jacob. He really did put others before himself all the time. It took her breath away. Her fingers felt a little awkward, probably from lack of sleep, but she immediately started to type her response.

"Jacob, there is nothing for you to apologize for and there is nothing that I have to forgive you for. I feel terrible that you think you have to apologize to me. I don't like seeing you in pain and I want to be there for you. I'm here for you anytime, day or night, and I want to help you feel better. I'm magical like that. Remember?"

Jacob's reply took quite a while. Veronica began to worry he was done talking for now. Or perhaps he was having a hard time deciding what to say, but finally a single smile emoji came through from him. Veronica's face spread into a smile as she pictured Jacob smiling at her text and then Jacob's next text came through.

"I want to see you again. Soon. Can we meet up?"

Veronica's heart soared in her chest. She couldn't seem to write back fast enough.

"Anytime."

"OK. There is park bench on the east side of the Cameron Lake in Burley Park. It's right by the walking trail. That's where I go for my morning run. Can you meet me there at 6:00 AM?"

Initially Veronica felt a little disappointment. She wanted to see Jacob immediately and tell him she loved him and hold him close and make love with him and whisper to him about how she felt again and again while they did it. She didn't want to wait any longer for her future with Jacob, whatever that might be, to start. But then she stopped herself short of suggesting that he come over right now. Jacob had reached out to her and she knew intuitively that if it was going to go any further then it needed to be at his pace. Jacob had given a lot in this area and it was about time someone gave something to him and that something was some kind of control. She had to give him the time and space to come to her and it would not help if she ran after him and tried to fix him. Veronica loved Jacob and if it took Jacob forever to get to her that was worth waiting forever for. When she thought in those terms a few hours of waiting didn't mean a thing.

"I'll be there with bells on."

"Thank you."

"No, thank you for reaching out to me."

"Bye for now."

Veronica looked up and sighed into the darkness. Her girlish urges to play pettifogging games with Jacob to try and discern his feelings were gone. It was time to for her to grow up and tell him exactly what she felt and accept how he felt. Whatever else went on at this meeting, the first thing Jacob would hear is that she loved him and cared for him and wanted to be with him come hell or high water. She gave a firm nod of resolve to herself and tried to still the quivering in her heart.

Intuitively Veronica knew she was on the edge of something huge in her life and was preparing to jump off into the unknown darkness. For the first time the idea of a future with someone where they spent a life together and grew old together became concrete in her mind. She had thought about it all before, but it had just been a fantasy with a blank space where Prince Charming would be filled in. Suddenly all that was clearly in focus and a real possibility and it terrified her. Veronica was completely out of control if she wanted this thing. All she could do was hope Jacob would be there to catch her when she jumped. She felt her whole future hinged on this moment. At that thought she felt the liquid hydrogen in her stomach again and her throat got tight. Oh, God, could she do this? She was suddenly consumed by panicky doubt that she could go through with this and very nearly changed her mind.

Then her mind began to rationalize her feelings and make excuses not to do this. It wasn't right that she hit Jacob with her feelings while he was dealing with his past hurts. Wasn't it rude of her to focus on herself rather than on how he was feeling? Yes, that was true. She should be there as a passive and patient ear for his benefit, not hers. It didn't really matter how she felt after all. This meeting was all about Jacob and her being there for him. Wasn't it?

But wasn't her love the best thing she could possibly offer Jacob? Wasn't her love the reason she wanted to be there for him and take the journey of dealing with his hurt and pain with him? Couldn't her love be a salve for those wounds and allow her to be his safe place and to lay his burden down? Hadn't she told him she was magical like that and what if he was relied on that?

Oh, God what if Jacob was relying on her?

Veronica felt sweat form on her brow. How far gone was she? It dawned on her that love was a two-way street. It wasn't like in the movies where it was going to be all about her. It was "give and take" with an emphasis on the "give". It was going to be about her and him and them and, oh God, whoever else might come along. Veronica's breath shortened. Was she really prepared to do that? Was she prepared to make a life and a world with a person she had known for less than a week? It seemed so ridiculous, but at that same time it was so clear in her head she knew it just as if it had already happened.

Veronica felt faint and her thoughts churned furiously on the verge of a panic attack. She began to pant for breath, hyperventilating, and cast about for something to restore her courage. Then she remembered that her father had told her a little saying about committing to a relationship. What was it? It was something his grandfather had told her father about when he courted his wife, her great-grandmother.

"The chance of gaining what we could be was worth the risk of losing what we were," whispered a light feminine voice from the darkness.

Veronica looked around with confusion and her panting ceased immediately. She was surprised, but also felt calmer, as if someone familiar was in the room with her and comforting her.

"You need each other," the voice whispered to her. "It will all work out. I promise."

Slowly a smile spread on Veronica's face and made up her mind. Reassured that no matter what happened next with Jacob, it was going to be all right, she went to the bathroom to have a shower. She would greet this new chapter of her life with a fresh start.

A chilly and misty pink dawn was just starting as she arrived at the appointed bench. The mist made it hard to see more than a few feet in any direction and the park was very still and quiet at this time of day. All of this made Veronica keenly aware she was alone. The idea of being raped or murdered tickled in the back of her mind, but she shoved that thought out of her head. Jacob was worth the chance and besides, she wouldn't be alone for long. Veronica shivered a bit and checked her phone. It was 5:45 AM. Usually, she would be late to a date with a man simply because she could be, but not this time. This time she wanted to be early and make sure Jacob didn't get discouraged and leave. It wouldn't do to be late for an appointment with someone who had taken such a gamble on her.

After a long look around in all directions, Veronica sat down on the bench to wait. She got another pang of anxiety brought on by the fact that every horror movie she had ever seen had a scene like this in it, but she mastered that fear again with the thought that Jacob was coming to her and she would tell him she loved him as soon as she could get her arms around him. She checked her phone again. Where had the time gone? It was 5:59 AM.

Just then Veronica heard a gentle tap of something on the small gravel of the walking path. The tap came from her left and she turned her head in that direction and the tap came again. It sounded again at a regular interval and it seemed to get closer to her. In the stillness of the early morning air to Veronica the tap resonated loudly, like someone thumping a snare drum. It took a second or two to recognize the rhythm and realize that someone using a cane was walking towards her through the mist. With each closer tap Veronica's anxiety grew and just when her heart was in her throat and she was about to jump up and run in the other direction, the form of an elderly man hobbled into view.

The man was dressed in military fashion. In fact, he wore US Marine Corps dress blues with a wide, round white hat with a bill, a sharp blue jacket, white gloves, blue pants with red piping down the side, and black shoes shined until they shown even in the weak misty light. On his chest he had lines of colored ribbons and a few badges and gold chevrons decorated his sleeves. In his right hand he carried a wilted white rose and his left hand gripped the head of the cane. He was trying very hard to walk erect as if he was on parade, but his advanced years caused him to stoop and the use of the cane made his gait halting and fitful. He walked with difficulty, but he kept up a slow steady progress and tapped along gamely. If it had not been for the tap of the cane and the scrape of his shoes in the gravel, Veronica might have believed she had seen a ghost. Yet she was no longer afraid. Instead, she was curious.

The man came closer and closer until he finally stopped directly in front of Veronica. There he paused and slowly executed a careful pivot turn to face her and brought his feet as close to together as he could while maintaining his unsteady balance in his best attempt at the "attention" pose. Slowly, the man lifted his head and his sea green eyes glittered at Veronica kindly from beneath the bill of his white hat. A broad smile broke out on the weathered, lined and aged face. Veronica got a flash of recognition.

"Good morning, my dear," he intoned politely.

"You!"

The man nodded a little.

"Yes, me. We've met before. Do you remember?"

Veronica's hand went to her mouth.

"You were the old man in the club!"

"Yes, yes.

"And the janitor!"

"Yes."

Veronica half rose as a horrifying though entered her head. Her mind reeled and she felt the world tilt sharply back and forth under her feet. It couldn't be, but it had to be! Didn't it?

"Oh my God! You're Jacob!" Veronica fairly shrieked through the hand that covered her mouth.

The old man chuckled and shook his head at her.

"No, no, my dear. I'm not Jacob."

Veronica stayed poised in her half risen pose unable to speak or move. The old man gestured with his cane.

"Please sit back down, my dear. I only have a little bit of time, and you and I have some loose end to tie up in that time. So, please sit and we'll get started."

Veronica slowly sank to her seat not breaking eye contact with the old man.

"You're not Jacob?" Veronica was confused and relieved at the same time, but struggled to keep that out of her voice.

The old man winked at her and shook his head again in confirmation, but that only begged the next question that took shape in her mind.

If this wasn't Jacob, who was he?

"May I?" asked the old man politely, gesturing to the bench with his cane. Veronica only nodded in response and the old man arranged himself carefully on the bench next to her. In spite of her initial alarm, Veronica felt herself relax. Something about this man was entirely comfortable and strangely familiar. Once settled, he removed his hat from his head and turned a kindly smile to her.

"You must have a thousand questions, my dear, and believe me when I tell you that I would like nothing better than to sit here with you until I've answered every single one of them, but we don't enough time for that."

"We don't?" stammered Veronica.

"No, I'm afraid we don't. I have to go meet someone."

"Who?"

Again, the kindly and disarming smile met Veronica.

"A few other things first; OK?"

Veronica nodded.

"First, you should know that Jacob is very real and everything you know about him and experienced with him is very real. Everything between the two of you is genuine. All we did was, well, help you both along a little."

"Help us along?"

"Yes, helped you meet each other. Helped you get together. Helped you both start to understand each other. As for the rest, that's up to you two. For example, you didn't want to go to the club that Friday night; remember?"

"Yes."

"And then suddenly you decided to go?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Well that suggestion was placed in your head, just like it was placed in his head. He didn't initially want to go either, mind you. As you already know the clubs aren't really a place he normally goes to, but we helped you both decide to go. It was done so you and Jacob would meet each other."

"But I don't remember meeting Jacob that night."

"Oh, that. Don't worry. You will remember when the time is right."

"When will that be?"

"Actually, very soon."

"So those places where I blacked out and woke up having ... errr ... I mean ..."

Veronica stopped speaking. She felt embarrassed that she almost mentioned sex in front of this man. The man gave a kindly chuckle.

"That's all right, my dear. Yes, it had to be that way so you didn't overthink it and stop yourself. If it makes you feel better it was done to Jacob on the third night for the same reason. Think back. Remember?"

Veronica thought back to that night in the alley. She had thought Jacob was drunk, but now she wasn't sure. She looked at the old man dubiously.

"As hard as it is to believe, its true."

One white glove came up, palm facing Veronica.

"On my honor."

Veronica shook her head a bit.

"This doesn't make any sense."

The old man nodded.

"I understand, but love doesn't have to make sense. Does it?"

That question threw Veronica for a loop.

"And you are in love with Jacob aren't you."

Veronica stared.

"How do you know that?"

"Well, I helped it along, for starters. And don't be alarmed. He loves you back. Very deeply in fact. Despite the fact he thought he'd never fall in love."

Veronica was stunned and then felt a little exasperated.