No Questions Asked Pt. 03

Bea stared into Dave's eyes, she had begun to shake, her angst was building to detonation, "That means my love for you is driving me to cut your guts out by being with another person. I am so fucked up I have to cheat on you to know what measures to take to stay faithful to you. To secure my future fidelity I need to be unfaithful now. I know ... it's completely twisted."

Bea actually screamed in frustration! She sat there in a dazed lump as Dave pulled her over and held her against him.

When Bea spoke, it was in a quiet meek tone, "I couldn't tell you sex was off the table for this damn trip, but I'm sure as hell not going for a date. The only person I want romance, or even a rapport with, is you. If I respond to the woman, I plan on spending the rest of my life loaded for bear against my natural proclivities as to protect our marriage. But If I don't respond, do you really want to hear me announce joyfully that I like guys?" Bea shook her head ruefully, "You deserve a lot better than this, Dave."

She couldn't bear to shift in his protecting arms to glimpse his face to see how she was tearing him apart. She added with sympathy, "I get it, you don't want me with anyone. I don't either, but how can you believe that when I've upended our lives to this extent and still plan on traveling so far away. Especially as the ultimate disposition may very well be my spending time with a woman -- again.

"That's a double whammy for you: that it's happening now and that it happened in the past. If everything else goes right, you STILL have to deal with the fact that I was once in a same sex relationship and never told you.

"I get this part too: while I'm away you will be caged with your fears. You will be forced to ponder if I will find something more basic to myself than you. Think Dave, that just can't be! I follow my heart. Is there anything more basic to my heart than you? Dave, you ARE my heart."

Bea paused then croaked, "But you will spend all weekend imagining me fighting for you and losing. You will imagine me finding a new level of extasy in something akin to a cosmic truth. You will imagine me growing aware of what a woman is able to do for me that a man can't. You will see me in another's embrace, seduced to her prowess, and accepting that new reality as my future.

"Dave, if I did do that, especially when I knew you were back here walking through fire for me, knowing I left you fighting mercurial demons to free me from my tribulation, then I don't deserve you. I'd be disloyal trash that doesn't know the meaning of love. Dave, you love me so much, dig deep and see if that's what you really think of me.

"Dave, I'm going so that I can earn you. Don't you forget that. I've over thought this until I'm dizzy. As much as those sexy women in movies turn me on, I really don't dream of making it with them. I dream of being with you. Except for one unfortunate exception in the shower, I imagine the leading couple making it together, just like they do on film. I don't put myself in either of their beds.

"I don't think I'll respond to the medical professional I may be pared with, but if I did, do you think I would welcome the person who's initiating me as a lover? Or do you think I'd fight her tooth and nail because she was trying to take me away from my love -- you. Dave, the more I might feel, the harder I will fight to put those feelings away forever. Let me fight for you, Dave!"

Dave asked quietly, "Do you want me to take you to the airport?" There was no emotion in him. That was alright with Bea, she knew how hard this was for him. Yet he was still having her go. Dave was nothing short of a hero to her.

"No baby. You go to work. I'll get an uber. I'll be gone when you get home, so you don't have to look at me or watch me leave. I'll be home Sunday evening. Thank you for believing in me, Dave. I love you."

"Would you hold me a little longer, Bea?"

His request shook her. Bea always loved holding Dave; it was uncharacteristic of him to ask. Was he unsure that was still the case? Was he scared it wouldn't be the case shortly? Was he committing this to memory as a last happy act of intimacy between them? Bea forced herself to not over think it, "Of course! But won't that make you late?"

"Yes."

'No,' Bea thought, 'Dave's not a hero: he's a superhero!' "Thank you, Dave! Thank you so very much!"

Friday evening Dave worked late to counter going in late and keep his time alone without Bea at a minimum. He picked up a fancy meat pizza, a type that Bea never enjoyed, on the way home trying to frame his time alone as positive as possible.

Bea's day was straight forward: get to airport, fly to Houston, a short check in with the doctor's office tonight, and getting settled in her hotel room. Tomorrow she would face a full battery of questions, interviews, and tests. If they proved indecisive, she would spend the night with another woman. Dave didn't know if there was an hour's worth of tests or eight hours' worth. He didn't know if Bea would spend only the evening with the other woman or if they would spend most of Saturday together. He didn't know if they would only spend time in bed together or if their time involved watching movies, talking, and going to dinner in between sex. Bea said it wasn't supposed to be a date, but they had to set a certain mood, didn't they? Friendly and intimate were all the ingredients necessary to become much more.

Bea zoomed him from her room that Friday evening. The call was awkward as sin. She was tired. She begged off to go to bed. Just mentioning the word "bed" threw a blanket on the call. Dave was sure Bea could tell he was beside himself though he'd tried his best to disguise it. After she hung up, he warmed up the pizza and put the ball game on, trying to not think of Bea's absence. Dave slowly ate half the pizza. He couldn't tell you who won and he never tasted his meal.

Saturday afternoon.

Dave's phone rang. It was from Bea. He walked briskly to a comfy chair, sank into it, and thumbed the call through. Bea started in a rush, all greetings and platitudes. It was like she had to disgorge before she could start the main meal. It amazed him how much emotion spilled out of her so quickly. He knew that was a clue. She wasn't expressing relief. So, this wasn't over yet, and extra innings meant she'd be in the arms of another. Bea's tone was worry glossed over with genuine affection and regret. He picked right up on Bea's deep concern for him. Was there also a knowing certainty in her voice? Did she already know she was going to do something that was going to hurt him?

Bea slowed considerably and began explaining Dave's situation to him, "There's nothing for you to worry about until at least dinner time. Until then it will all be interviews and a final battery of attitude and proclivity tests. If they decide that my being with ... a woman is needed that's when they'll make the call. If you want to call me any time up to then the only delay would be until the end of the test I'm taking. I could even ask one of the people here to pick up and talk to you, giving my expected time of finishing."

She was bending over backwards, within the constraints of still doing what she was doing, to make this better for him.

"Dave, if you want..." Bea paused with a sour expression, "I can see this idea going either good or bad Dave, so it needs to be your call. I could call you and tell you if I'm done here and am going back to my room to sleep or ..."

He finished for her, "Or if you're going to bed with someone else." At least his tone was level.

"Well... yeah." Bea swallowed hard and cleared her throat, "Dave, I think they're trying to normalize that option a bit. I don't think they'd have me wolf down a burger and jump in the sack with her. I don't think there'd be a candlelight dinner together beforehand either, but I think they may schedule dinner for her, me, and some of the staff together, to make sure everyone's comfortable and we know each other a bit, making sure it isn't going to turn out rotten for one or both of us if that's what comes to pass. So, the ah, the ah..."

"Final exam?" Dave offered.

She nodded her head smiling in appreciation for his giving her a graceful way out, "Thank you, Dave! I don't think the "final exam" would be until eight or nine at the earliest. If I'm wrong, I'll certainly call."

"I like the plan ... no wait," Dave stopped suddenly.

Bea was confused waiting for her husband to tell her what was wrong.

Dave's voice was both resolved and resigned, "If they're doing all that, maybe even a drink to relax you, but not enough to make you sloppy, wouldn't a call to me reset the deck after they just got it sorted the way they need? Why would they want you to tense up again talking to me and feeling my reaction after they'd calmed you down? They want to test your natural reactions. Talking to me right before the "final" would probably mess that up."

Bea felt sickly.

Dave summed up, "Babe, I don't think they're going to want you to call me before you're with her. There's no point in your going all the way there for that test only to mess with its outcome. You must have certainty about your nature; you can't tilt the test in my favor."

"Oh damn, Dave. Then all I've done is given you more mental pictures to haunt you."

"No. Remember first and foremost that while you may have asked if you could go, that I was the one who sent you there to get your answers."

"What?" Bea was truly befuddled.

He thought of Bea, he needed to nail this for her, "Nothing that happens down there is your fault. It's part your nature, which isn't your fault. The rest is on me. I could've stopped you. I didn't. Even more: I told you to go, I sent you. Now maybe you see the wisdom in my doing that: if matters go against me, it's all on me not on you. If you hadn't figured that out before, understand it now. The point is finding your answers. My sending you to get them takes any guilt off of you. All you have to do is get those answers. See?"

She didn't reply for some time. He heard what sounded like muffled voices, like Bea had put her hand over the microphone. "Sorry Dave, the staff here was wondering why I was crying. I think they feared you'd just guilted me. I took the liberty of telling them verbatim what you said. They think you're as wonderful as I do! I don't deserve you."

"Stop Bea, you're messing up the experiment again. Just be incredibly impressed by my magnanimous gesture and amazing humility."

Bea laughed aloud.

"Bea, you've given me something too. Knowing I've got until evening without having to worry is nice. I'd have been more messed up the rest of the day if you hadn't explained that."

She wanted to hold him tightly, "I can never thank you enough or apologize enough."

"Bea, if I don't hear from you by ten o'clock, I'll know what you're doing. Just come home and tell me what you've learned face to face. Even if it's bad, let me say goodbye in my own way."

"Daaaaave!" It was a hard way for her to discover the situation was worse than she'd thought. He'd only say goodbye if she was going to leave him to live as a lesbian. She didn't think he still feared that.

Dave rushed in to keep emotions on track, "Hey, if it goes that way, you and she can send me home movies to warm up those cold nights in the monastery."

There was a second delay before Bea broke into laughter again. "Thank you, Dave. Really. From the bottom of my heart."

"That's what I'm here for, Bea."

She shook her head strongly, "No, it isn't. Not this time. This gift is beyond the pale. You're doing the opposite of what's best for you so you can do the best for me. I'll never forget it!"

* * * * * *

Dave had wanted to enjoy a nice light dinner. He thought he'd treat himself to something fun. He'd gone out of his way fighting traffic to the other side of town for his favorite egg drop soup. The drive with the radio blaring kept his mind off his situation, though it was still too early to worry. He'd gotten home right about dinner time. Even an hour later he hadn't been able to eat, he just didn't have any appetite. Thank goodness he hadn't gotten sushi!

His phone beeped. He wasn't expecting a text. It was from Bea!

It read, "Sorry my love, I have split the difference contacting you. The docs said what you did: that talking to you and right before ... "the final" would taint the results of the test. They said what you did: the tests are designed to convince me and no one else, I'd be silly to mess with their outcome. So, I'm texting you instead of calling.

"It's earlier than I told you, and "the final" won't begin for hours yet. But it's going to happen. I just couldn't let you hang.

"We're going to have a latish light dinner. There will be four of us, my doctor, her consulting partner in the practice, and ... the specialist. It will be hours before we wrap up the workday and finish dinner.

"Then the two doctors will leave.

"I'm so sorry, Dave.

"I truly do love you."

Dave felt his extremities go cold for a moment; they tingled as the sensation slowly came back into them. He shook it off and got out of his chair. He found himself in the kitchen pacing. He forced himself to stop. He thought it all through and made sure he had reign over himself. He spied the egg drop soup waiting for him. With a rueful laugh, he took it off the warmer, poured it into a container, and put it in the fridge.

Dave thought, 'I guess she couldn't fight her nature. Who could?' Then the terrible conclusion he couldn't escape, 'Her nature isn't me.'

He stood motionless for a while, wondering what he could do that could convince him he wasn't sitting idly by while his world collapsed.

Dave laid his phone on the table. He picked up his keys and wallet. It was time for another drive. With a growing sense of foreboding, he looked back at the phone as he headed into the garage. "Goodbye Bea," he whispered as he closed the door behind him.

* * * * * *

Dave was surprised he slept at all. Though tired he hadn't returned from his drive until well after two AM. The only thought he'd allowed himself of his wife was when he'd entered their bedroom. He sat heavily on the side of the bed telling himself, 'Well, one way or the other, regardless of how long they continue tonight, the issue's decided by now. It's done and out of my hands. Nothing left for me to do or be anxious about.' He knew he'd done his best by Bea. If he'd lost her many things would haunt him but doing right by her wasn't one of them.

Dave awakened groggy, like he'd spent the night on a hospital couch beside a sickly loved one. He stumbled into the bathroom having a funny thought. Normally he and Bea didn't bother with clothes for their first cup of coffee on the weekends. Now that she was gone, he felt odd about walking around naked alone. He'd had an ally making the decision, now it was just him. He wasn't sure if strolling around his kitchen nude when alone was bold or pathetic.

He finally sat at the kitchen table rubbing his hands though his hair when they weren't holding a shaky coffee cup to his lips. Finally, made note of his telephone. That's right, he'd left it on the kitchen table before his drive. He'd needed to leave everything in his life behind to survive the night. He left himself and Bea behind and anything that could remind him of who he was and what he was facing.

He noted a blinking light on his telephone. His eyes shut hard in the classic "damn" expression. He had several calls on his phone. After a cursory examination he saw he had several texts too. He started with those. He didn't need to hear Bea's voice tell him goodbye this early in the morning.

The messages were full of apologies and expressions of love. The last few contained several bits of information. Bea had figured out he'd put his phone away. She said she hoped he would listen to the messages or read the texts, because she was sure they'd make him feel better.

Dave wasn't so sure. After waiting yesterday only to get bad news, he wasn't in much hurry for any sort of news today. His appeal to her wasn't strong enough to keep her from needing to take "the final" was his cold assessment. He knew that might be too harsh, but that's how it felt. Bea did tend towards over thinking thin things. And she did exhibit obsessive behavior from time to time. Maybe it was exactly as she said. But he had his feelings too and that's not what they were telling him. Only Bea could do that. He didn't believe she'd like to him now.

But what could she tell him? Even the best news was going to contain a verification that he'd lost something precious: his wife's complete fidelity. Apparently, he didn't engender feelings in her strong enough to make her want to preserve that for him. He found he was shaking his head; the day was already to his disliking. He looked at his coffee wondering what mixer would make a good emotional analgesic.

Anther bit of information gleaned from the phone was that Bea would be back today, not tonight as planned. She'd originally hoped he could pick her up at the airport. In the last text she told him she would get a ride home, stating she was not going to make him come to the airport where she was sure she'd make a scene when she saw him.

Dave imagined what that scene could be. Bea knew him well, he liked his drama quiet and personal, he imagined she saw no need to spread his bad fortune to the public, and he had no need to embarrass his wife with her newfound life choices. It wasn't her fault she was built to like woman and not ... her husband. She could come home and break it to him, and they could make their plans to part.

He had an odd thought, wondering if she would move to Houston. Why would she move there? She doesn't know any one there. Dammit! That meant she'd come back to where they lived. He couldn't live where she was without her. He'd have to move. Fuck, he was going to lose everything including all his friends here. Dave wasn't vindictive and never could be to Bea. Maybe they could work a split where he got the liquid assets, and she got the house and her car. He shook his head. That wouldn't be equitable, not a damn thing about this rotten situation was!

Dave decided to go to the gas station. He was in need of another drive. Maybe he'd put air in the tires. Maybe he'd get a fucking egg sandwich. His new life alone was bristling with fulfillment.

* * * * * *

Dave was surprised when he got home. The house seemed brighter than he'd left it. Sure enough, more lights were on. Suddenly, a thrilled-to-see-him Bea sailed into the room nearly tackling him.

She threw her arms around him burying her head in his chest, "Honey, it's okay! It's all okay!" Bea practically sang the words.

Dave was glad she was happy, but it sunk him to see her this thrilled. He wasn't going to be let down easy or with any decorum: it appeared he was already on the compost pile!

"It all blew up, Dave! It's all good! I'm fixed!"

'Wow,' he thought, 'Three exclamations in a row. That was excitement bordering on grammatic criminality.'

Bea grew concerned, "Dave, what's wrong?" She went stiff. "Is it too late? Was my going enough to erase me from your heart?"

Dave felt exhausted. He wanted the hammer to drop if it needed to. Why delay it? "What? What are you trying to tell me, Bea?"

Bea was excited again, "I didn't stay with the gal, Dave; it all blew up."

He stared at her noncomprehending. She saw his dark tired eyes.

She toned down her energy and held herself at arm's length so he could read her body language and expression, though she took a death hold on his sleeves, "Dave, I know it's not what a husband wants to hear, but my date fizzled. I'm home. Here's another revelation most guys would have mixed feelings hearing from their wives: I like guys!"