Not Dead Yet (XXX parody)

(Everyone knows about The Craigslist Killer, but how about "The Craigslist Lovers?" That's a good title for a Hallmark Channel movie.)

I keep slobbering his cock real good, growling gutturally with a mouthful of man-meat. I definitely like this hearty filling sensation better than pussy-licking. He takes off his shirt and unbuckles his pants, letting them fall to the doormat. I yank down his Transformers boxer shorts and shove his Optimus Prime back into my mouth. Whipping my head back and forth, slurping loudly while rubbing my clit through my purple pantsuit. Marilyn studies my fellationary technique with scholarly voyeurism.

"Slow down, bitch!" he growls. "I haven't gotten laid in four months, so I wanna make this last."

He's twice as rude and bossy during sex. Just my type.

"Massage his prostate, Nell. That's a very underappreciated gland."

I slow head down to a crawl and rub two fingers underneath his ballsack, making him groan louder.

"Fuck yeah, you dirty bitch. You've been watching lots of porn stars, with all those shock-and-awe sex tricks."

Marilyn X giggles sweetly, and so do I. A minute later, Edward grabs my head with both hands and face-fucks me nice and easy.

"That's it, baby. You love getting skullfucked, huh?"

"Uh-huh!" I growl in the affirmative.

"You're mine now, bitch. You better not cheat on me, you Puerto Rican slut!"

Edward picks up the pace, thrusting his dick right down my throat while braiding my long brown hair into a ponytail.

"Suck my balls, bitch."

He pulls his penis out of my mouth and shoves his hairy testicles against my plump lips. I open wide and jam them both between my teeth, sucking as hard as I can. Making him groan pleasantly.

"Damn, Nell, you're so fucking crazy," Marilyn giggles. "You're gonna make your roomate happy every fucking day."

I keep sucking and nibbling and massaging his balls so good. That neat-freak doesn't care where my mouth has been before; as recently as six hours ago on my bosses pussy.

"Your knees must be getting sore, honey," Marilyn says. "Get up and get naked."

I pull back abruptly, ejecting his testicles from my mouth with a funny poof sound.

"I know you wanna see my big fucking tits, boy."

"Fuck yeah. Get that stupid newsgirl pantsuit off your hot latina body."

I do a nice slow striptease dance, copying some college girl I saw on TikTok. Warming him up for the main event. I gradually slither out of my clothes, and he gawks like a horny teenager at the sight of my hairy pussy.

"I've been dreaming about sticking my tongue up your twat for so LONG, girl!"

He drops to his knees and jams his tongue right up my pinkhole, making my knees wobble.

"Oh shit, Eddie! Lick that pussy up! I love how you take control of me."

He keeps tongue-fucking me so good. All the way in and out like a dagger, nice and slow. He reaches up and squeezes my d-cup tits real hard, making me holler.

"Oh my god, you're so good!" I groan, shaking and panting. He finally pulls his tongue out and nibbles my outer labia. The prickly sensation makes me giggle. I grab the back of his head and grind his face against my crotch, just like Lexi did to me. Edward nibbles my clit with his sharp teeth, making me holler even louder. He reaches around and spanks my big bubble butt with both hands, making an awesome Pash! Pash! sound.

"Fuck yeah, spank me harder! I'm a naughty lazy bitch, so you better set me straight."

He spanks me ten more times on each cheek. Loud solid strikes, stinging up my ass real good. The sweet pain races right up to my clit, getting my pussy so wet, while his tongue swirls round and round those pink folds. I pull back at the first twinge of orgasm, delaying the inevitable.

"Take him into the kitchen, Nell," Marilyn X advises. "That eco-freak has a lot of food fetish fantasies."

"God damn," I laugh in the direction of that porn star ghost, whom Edward can't see or hear. I grab his left arm and yank him up to his feet. "Come to the kitchen, Eddie-boy. Something tells me you love playing with your food . . . if you catch my drift."

"Damn, girl, you can read my mind. We got some major Hollywood rom-com shit going on."

We pause in front of the refrigerator, and I kiss him passionately on the lips. Loving the feel of his dick pressing upward against my belly, fighting hard against the temptation to finish him off right here, right now. I pull back and open the fridge, rooting through my junk food collection on the top shelves. Carefully separated from Edward's fruits, veggies, juices, filtered skim milk, and IncrediBean faux meats on the lower shelves. Marilyn peers over my shoulder.

"Try some whipped cream and strawberries, Nell," she says. "Have your dessert first, like all those weird Frenchies I fucked in Paris."

I pull out some ripe red berries and store brand Fun-Whip. "Let's have our dessert first, like all those pretentious Parisian dames."

"Quelle belle idée, mademoiselle. I'm the man of the house, so I get first dibs on the grub." Edward grabs my shoulders and hoists my big naked ass onto the kitchen counter, making me yelp in playful surprise.

"Seriously, bro? You disinfect this counter like ten times a day!"

"Shut the fuck up," he grunts. He spreads my legs far apart with his hands, then he opens the aerosol can and sprays a big glob of hydrogenated high fructose goo all over my tits and twat.

"Holy shit, that's cold. I love it!"

"I love strawberries and cream, Nelly-girl. You can't beat an old-school treat." He grabs a plump red berry and uses it to dab the cream off my left nipple. He bites off half the berry and all the cream. "Oh yeah, that's the shit," he groans.

"My last boyfriend loved whipped cream a la boob," Marilyn muses nostalgically.

I grab the aerosol can and shoot some cream right into my mouth, savoring the sweet decadent taste. "I'm your Good Humor girl, baby."

"You're funny as fuck, but now I'm delivering the punchline."

He cleans off my right nipple with another berry, then he buries his face in my cream-laden crotch. Slurping that white glop so fucking good, making a big foamy disgusting mess that oozes down my hips to the kitchen counter. The perverted fetish thrill makes our first night of lovemaking twice as erotic.

"Time to step up the game, Nell," Marilyn says eagerly. "I loved it when James Deen licked strawberry ice cream right off my pussy."

(Marilyn X. Monroe fucking James Deen. What a hoot!)

"Get some ice cream from the freezer, Eddie. Your Good Humor girl has a hankering for some rocky road."

"Yes ma'am. This is my cheat day, so I'm gonna pig out on your pussy."

He grabs a half-gallon of rocky road and scoops out a big hunk of crunchy chocolatey perfection right between my legs.

"A-ha-hoooooo!" I wail triumphantly, with that cold cream setting my snatch on fire. "That's fucking awesome, boy! Eat it up!"

He grabs a metal spoon and swirls it all over down there, driving me insane. The jagged walnut pieces add amazing friction to the smooth creaminess. He buries his face in my crotch, slobbering that crunchy chocolate decadence quite messily. I pound my fists over and over on the counter, moaning like a cliché porn star.

"I - love - rock-y road, so weren't you gonna buy half-a-gallon, ba-by?" Marilyn sings like Weird Al. "I - love - rock-y road, so have another trip-le scoop with me!"

My back arches upward in sheer ecstasy, and my arms swing outward, knocking over a bunch of spice bottles. This is better than any prefabricated porn video I remember from my college days. Porn is fake, but this is totally real, and completely enthralling. Edward scoops out some more rocky road on my big boobs and hairy pussy, slobbering it so good. Another orgasmic warning signal makes me nudge his face away.

"All right, that's enough food fetish fun for now, Eddie-boy. Let's hit the showers."

He grabs some paper towels and wipes the gooey mess off our bodies. At least enough to not drip brown stuff all over the living room carpet. I take him by the hand and lead him into the bathroom, where my strange erotic journey began thirteen hours ago. Marilyn stays outside near the door.

"I'll give you a little privacy for the grand finale," she beams. "Just remember, he loves doggy-style, but he hates anal."

"Like most guys," I murmur pleasantly. I shut the door and turn on the shower nice and hot.

"Hot showers are bad for the planet, Nell," Edward says sternly.

"Are you fucking serious, boy?"

"Nah. This is my eco-cheat day too."

He joins me eagerly under the incredible steaming water, grabbing a washcloth. He lathers it up with store brand soap and cleans the chocolate stains off my big mocha tits.

"Good boy, getting your roommate nice and clean. I needed you for so long, but I was too blind to see my destiny."

"What did it take to open your eyes?"

"A little divine intervention," I giggle.

He works the washcloth slowly downward over my chubby belly. Saving the best for the last, he scrubs my pussy with hard circular strokes. I tilt my head back into the falling water, moaning softly while thanking god for beaming Marilyn X. Monroe into my life through the cosmic internet.

"My turn, Eddie. You're a naughty, naughty boy, getting chocolate all over your birthday suit."

"Clean me up real good, mamacita."

I lather up the washcloth and clean the rocky road remnants off his face and hands. Gliding slowly working downward along his pilates and peloton-chiseled muscles. I slide the cloth slowly along his firm hips, avoiding his hard impatient penis.

"Stop teasing me, bitch," he grunts. "Get your soft mocha hands all over my dick."

I gladly follow my roommate's order, dropping the washcloth, lathering up my hands with plenty of soap and twisting them slowly up and down his six-inch shaft. He growls triumphantly once again, stretching his muscular arms toward the ceiling. The brown foamy soap makes an awesome crackling sound that gets me so damn horny. I can't wait for him to ram that dick up my throbbing pussy. I massage his chocolatey balls with the other hand, driving him equally mad with desire.

"Holy shit, Nell, you give the best handjob in L.A."

"Even better than Jennifer Lawrence?"

"Fuck that annoying phony cunt. You're the real deal, baby."

I keep crackling his cock and balls for a minute, then I rinse them off with tender loving care. My pussy is literally begging to get pounded, so I bend over under the shower, assuming his favorite position with my hands braced against a tile wall. The hot water caresses the small of my back, flowing smoothly over my ass cheeks.

"Come on, boy. I know you love doggy style, so ride me like a bullmastiff."

"How do you know I love doggy style?"

"A woman's intuition," I mutter slyly. I reach around and spread my labia nice and wide. He slides his dick slowly up the pink bullseye, making me groan triumphantly. He pulls out slowly, then slams his dick in as hard as he can, sending a literal shockwave up my spine.

"Oh shit! Yes!"

He keeps slamming that dick up my dripping wet pussy, much to my delight.

"Keep me fucking like a real man! I like it hard!"

His firm hips crash into my pudgy ass over and over and over. The pashing sound is nicely enhanced by all that hot splashing water. I feel even better than I did with Lexi on her desk, seized completely by long-repressed lust. Women are good for an occasional change of pace, but I need a dominant alpha male like him to set me straight and keep me satisfied. I'm gonna ride him like a cowgirl into the SoCal sunset.

"Call me Mister President," he growls while thrusting away. I laugh at that weird request. He smacks my ass nice and hard, making me yelp.

"Call me Mister President, bitch!" he growls louder.

"Yes sir, Mister President," I giggle back. (All that "eco-warrior" crap is giving him delusions of grandeur.) "I'm your slutty First Lady."

"You ain't gonna be slutty no more, bitch. You better stay loyal to your Commander in Chief. That's an executive order!"

He spanks my ass ten more times, firmly and loudly.

"I love getting spanked, Mister President. Turn my mocha ass red!"

He keeps spanking and spanking while fucking the shit out of me. Such a sweet sting. The rhythmic fleshy smacking sound mixes with the soothing white noise of hot splashing water. An erotic multisensory extravaganza. Another orgasmic warning signal flashes loudly down there, but I can't fight it off this time.

"Oh god, oh god, oh shit, oh shiiiiiit, hoooooWAAAAAAAA!"

My third orgasm of the day is definitely the charm. My entire body quakes and quivers in that rigid doggy-style pose. If my arms weren't braced against the tile wall, I would surely melt into another pathetic puddle at the base of the tub. He keeps ramming his prick up my dripping wet pussy. The ecstasy soon subsides, replaced by an overwhelming hunger for more.

"Lie down on the tub, Eddie. I wanna ride you like a cowgirl."

"Fucking right, bitch. Ride my cock like your horse-loving boss."

He lies down on the tub with his feet right next to the drain. I mount him like a San Fernando cowgirl, and lean back with my hands braced on the slick tub. I bounce up and down at a rapid clip, with the hot water pouring right on my big flopping tits.

"Ho yeah, that's my favorite sex position," Edward cheers. I keep bouncing away while moaning monotonously. It feels like I'm riding one of those mechanical bulls in the middle of a hurricane. Purging my frustrations with balls-to-the-wall pussy-pounding. (Sex is the only kind of exercise I ever get.)

I climax two more times without missing a beat. How many orgasms can a woman possibly have in one day? I'll definitely Google that tomorrow.

"Oh shit, Nell, I'm gonna cum!" he finally shouts.

"You better cum on my face, boy!"

I vault off his cock and land on my knees near a soap tray, facing away from the shower with the water falling right on my ass. He stands up, grabs my hair, yanks my head up toward his face, and aims his dick toward the middle of my face. Jacking off in a rapid blur while growling real macho-like.

"Gimme that splooge, baby. I needed this for so long. Come on, boy! I fucking WANT IT!"

My angry tone makes him bust a nut on the middle of my forehead. He screeches like an old rusty cellar door, contorting his face grotesquely. Thick ropes of splooge keeping bursting out. He flicks his dick in various directions, completely plastering my face with a half-gallon of soothing hot cream.

"God damn, boy. You must not have had sex for like a month!"

"Hell of a way to break a cold streak," he mutters while flailing for breath. I finger all that cum into my mouth and swallow it with a satisfied hum.

"That was fucking awesome, Eddie."

I get up and kiss him tenderly, savoring the deep afterglow in the steamy shower.

"Someone tells me this won't be just a one-night stand," I utter sweetly. "I mean, something tells me that."

"Something tells me that too. You're not my roommate anymore, you're my soulmate."

"No doubt, Edzo." I kiss him harder while squeezing his shriveling dick.

"But you're still paying half the rent, so you better keep this apartment nice and clean."

"Jawohl, mein eco-nazi fuhrer. I hereby promise to be a neat-freak just like you, and never use plastic straws, and vote for the Green Party in every election, a month early. Hell, I'll even throw tomato sauce on a Van Gogh painting to protest those evil oil companies."

"God, I love your bitchy attitude."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Fatty Arbuckle's Java Joint is buzzing with over-caffeinated hipsters on a Saturday morning. I'm sitting at a table in the corner, bobbing my head to The Indigo Girls on an overhead speaker while tapping away on my laptop, putting the finishing touches on Marilyn's obituary.

ADULT FILM FANS PAY TRIBUTE TO MARILYN X. MONROE

by Nell Serrano, Staff Writer

The pornographic industry was shocked yesterday to learn that the American star Marilyn X. Monroe passed away during a French vacation. She was intoxicated in a Paris hotel room when one of her sex toys caught on fire, due to being plugged into an incompatible 240 volt power outlet. The fire quickly spread across the bed she was lying in, fueled by spilled vodka. Her body was burned beyond recognition. Thankfully, Paris firefighters were able to extinguish the blaze before it could spread to other parts of the small nineteenth-century Garnier Hotel in the Montmartre district, which was built before modern fire codes.

The tragic early death of Marilyn X. Monroe (whose real name was Nancy Rubado) oddly parallels that of Marilyn Monroe, the 1950's sex symbol who inspired her stage name (whose real name was Norma Jean.) Rubado chose that pseudonym after playing Maggie in a Broadway production of After the Fall by Arthur Miller; a play that was inspired by Miller's tumultous marriage to Marilyn Monroe. A chance encounter with a pornographic movie director led Nancy away from the legitimate stage; realizing her more lucrative potential as an adult film actress. Marilyn X's "blonde bombshell" appearance and mellifluous voice were remarkably similar to Marilyn Monroe, and she exploited that seductive similarity in 132 videos over nine years.

Marilyn was best known as a sex film star, though most people didn't realize the true range of her acting talents. She won a New York Drama Critics Circle Award for her performance as Brigid Blake in Stephen Karam's The Humans, a heartfelt drama about a family dealing with Alzheimer's disease and the growing wealth gap in New York City. Critics marveled at her ability to navigate dramatic plays with controversial subject matter, and they also marveled at her effortless comic flair in light-hearted plays like Barefoot in the Park by Neil Simon. Pornographic directors were also impressed by Marilyn's acting range, offering her roles in various well-written artistic videos like Lady Chatterley in London and Zelda Fitzgerald's Erotic Adventures. Her award-winning performances disproved the common assumption that porn has to be stupid.

Marilyn was a notable advocate for children's literacy, donating a million dollars to programs that provide free books for kids from low-income families. Her social media pages often promoted the life-changing power of reading. She was also planning to return to Broadway stage productions after she retired from adult films. Such an artistic comeback would have been remarkable to witness.

Marilyn X. Monroe lived hard and died young, just like Norma Jean. Her tragic demise reminds us never to judge people by their surface appearances. A pretty face and a perky attitude can hide a fascinating soul. Both Marilyns longed to break free of the societal limitations that their beauty placed on them. They both got caught up in the limelight, surrounded by many shallow people who only wished to exploit and demean them for quick money. The discerning few who looked beyond the pretty blue eyes of Nancy Rubado were deeply rewarded, finding a truly witty and compassionate woman. Gentlemen may prefer blondes, but real men prefer women who make them think.

"Good job, Nell-Nell."

The perky voice of Marilyn scares the shit out of me, nearly making me spill mocha latte all over the laptop. I turn around in the chair and give that blonde bombshell an angry sneer.

"You're right about all that stuff. I was a real classy lady, trapped in a sex symbol body. I had to make the most out of the sexy part while I still had it."