Not in My House!

A little flash story.

* * * * * * * * * *

I sat there astonished, as my wife repeated herself.

"Yes, John, that's what I said. I want to try BBC."

My wife Louise had been my friend and soulmate since we were teens. We shared everything which each other - our dreams and goals, our political opinions, sporting events and the opera. I thought we were bound together in an understanding of our complementarity, that we had settled on the way we were going to be in the world, together. And now this.

"But why, Louise? I thought we were OK, and we had decided how we were going to live our lives and conduct ourselves as a couple. Why are you doing this"

"Oh John, I love you, but sometimes you seem so... narrow. There is a whole world out there to explore, but you want to continue the same way as ever, no experimentation, no real chance for growth. This will strengthen us as a couple."

I stared at my wife as if she were a stranger. When did these thoughts start? How had we drifted so far apart?

"It is something I have been thinking about for a while now, John. It is just a need of mine - you can leave the house, or lock yourself in your workshop, or even join me, if you want."

"Are you crazy? I would never join you."

"I didn't think so, I just wanted to give you the option."

"Whatever brought this on?"

"Well, I was online, scrolling through some sites, and I saw a discussion by some of my women friends saying BBC was the best. That once you tried it, you would never be satisfied with the same old same-old. So I thought I'd try it."

"And you don't care what it does to me, our marriage?"

"Oh, John, don't be so melodramatic. You are big enough to allow me this one indulgence. If I don't like, I will stop and never bring it up again."

"But what if you love it?"

"Well, then I will make sure you are never around, I won't bring it up when we talk, and I won't tell any of my friends. It will just be my little private pleasure."

"But what if it changes you? What if you love it, and I begin to feel I no longer know my own wife?"

"John, I am an independent person, an independent thinker. If it changes me, then I believe it will change me into a better person, someone you will be happier being married to. We all need to grow, John, and this is how I need to grow right now."

Needless to say, I was hurt and angry. After all we had built, all we had planned together. This was a kind of betrayal.

"I plan to try it the first time tonight. Seven o'clock. You might want to leave so you don't hear anything."

"Don't even think of using the bedroom."

"Fine, John, I'll use my sewing room. The couch there is very comfortable. You will see, it won't change anything. I'll still be the same loving wife you always had."

What could I do? It was late in the day and nothing I could do to try and change her mind was going to happen in the next few hours. Perhaps she would chicken out. Perhaps she would see the danger. All I knew was that I had to get away.

I put on my coat to leave the house. "Where are you going?" she asked. "Out." "Oh John, stop being so childish."

I stared at her like I didn't know her. "You suggested I leave the house, if you recall. I am taking up your suggestion. I will be down at Smokey Joe's having some drinks. Don't bother making dinner, I'll eat there. Expect me home at eight, and I better come home to a quiet, peaceful house." She started, "John, listen here..." but I shut the door in her face as I walked out.

I know what you are thinking. I should have ranted and screamed, thrown some stuff around. Forbidden her and threatened. But the truth is I was taken by surprise and I think a bit in shock. I went down to Smokey Joe's and had a beer. There I met my friend and fellow traveler Pete.

"Who pissed in your cornflakes?" he said when he saw my face.

"Louise."

"Louise? That broad is steady as a rock."

"Yah, that's what I thought. Got home today and she was sitting in the living room with a gin and tonic. I knew the news was bad, since she had a drink in her hand. And then she hit me with it. I swear, Pete, I never saw it coming."

"What did she say?"

"She looked me in the eye and said "John, I want to try BBC."

"You're kiddin' me. Louise?"

"Yah."

"The same Louise whose idea of living dangerously is sneaking her own Milk Duds into the movie theater? Who once smelled pot at a party and insisted that all four of us leave at once? Whose bathing suits look like they came out of a 1965 Sears Catalogue? That Louise?"

"'Fraid so."

"And when does she plan to do this crazy deed?"

"Tonight. At Seven."

"We need to be there. We've got to stop this. You know how popular Lousie is. If she starts telling the other wives she is doing this, we're all sunk. And don't think the guys won't blame you.

Pete and I made our plan as we ordered dinner. It was now 5:30. At 6:45, we would come quietly into the house, and fling open the door to the sewing room. Then it will be time to tell Louise what is what around here.

I had more than a few beers with dinner, to calm my nerves. I was glad to have Pete with me, he was a rock I could always depend on. He was a stand-up guy, dedicated to Fox News, the NRA, and nostalgia for when men were men. He would have my back.

The time had come. We had to stop this indoctrination or I could just see the marriage crumbling as we drifted apart. It was now or never.

We climbed into the pickup and drove by the house. It looked quiet. I parked a few spots down so she wouldn't see us if she looked out the window, and we made our way stealthily to the door. I opened it carefully. We snuck down the hall, we could hear sounds coming from the closed sewing room door. Wait, it wasn't seven yet! Damn her, she must have started early!

I flung open the door and to my horror, I realized that yes, it was too late. The damage was done. I heard, coming from the radio clear as day:

"And that was a report of the World Service of the BBC."

The grin on her face showed me she'd tried it and she'd liked it. Now that fucking network would be playing all over the house.