On The Subject Of Friends

Where should I go and how do I meet open-minded people?

I have received the same question a number of times now and instead of answering each person

individually, I thought it might be better to post this short, informal essay on the subject. I have tried to keep it light with a bit of humour, but hope that the message is still taken seriously.

*A Word of Caution before I get into the main conversation here. I cannot stress enough... know your audience. I have preached to anyone who approaches me with questions about finding friends to play with, that you must be very conscious of the fact that not everyone views sex as a recreational pass time! The internet and social media make it very easy to come in contact with others and things can be said without a lot of thought beforehand. If you ignore this little tidbit of advice, I can only wish you good luck, because sooner or later, you are going to need it.

I like to look at society as being divided up into a pleasant assortment of playgrounds. (Think... box of chocolates.) People who have been socialized properly, recognize their like-minded friends and they all tend to congregate in certain places in the playground. It is, therefore, basic good practice to know where your like-minded folks hang out and confine your fishing expeditions to those waters.

Approaching someone's wife for a little bit of kinky fun may not go over well in the wrong circles. Just some friendly advice.

As for myself, I prefer to be contacted by those interested in me or my services. In the beginning, I

solicited too, but was happy to stop doing that as word of mouth or my little advertisements brought people to me. At this point in my life, I am nicely entrenched in a large community of like-minded (there's that term again) individuals and couples, so being short on fun times isn't really a problem. I may not be interested in everyone who seeks me out, but it is easier to say no thanks, than it is to

misread some stranger's signals and wind up nursing a broken nose.

So, with that out of the way, let us move on to what I really wanted to write about.

Why do I have so much trouble making friends?

My small contribution here, will be just that... a fraction of the total that could be said on this topic. In some small way, I hope these words might bring some bit of clarity to those in need of and seeking

answers. It is intended for adult consumption, but applies to all ages and all walks of life... all religions and all political alignments as well.

What makes a good friend has been up for debate since the first two humans walked the surface of this planet. If you asked 100 individuals, to list 5 attributes of what makes a good friend, you may not get 500 different characteristics, but rest assured, you will get double digits and possibly even triple. Hardly, one size fits all.

I think every human would agree, at various times in our lives, making meaningful friendships has proven to be... challenging.

We often hear broad statements made with regards to someone being extroverted or introverted and on the surface, some may be tempted to think that extroverts have fewer problems making friends than do introverts. In certain cases, there might be some truth to that thought. If there is some truth, though, why would that be? Let's break things down into smaller pieces and see what we can learn.

Reality. Now there's an interesting word. Who would like to give me a good definition of what it means and what it is? And why am I writing about reality, in a piece that is supposedly about friendships? Let me know when you've finished your definition and we can continue.

Ticktock, Ticktock...

I was just kidding. We'd be all day waiting for each of you to give me the dictionary definition and it would not be the least bit helpful in our discussion at all.

Let me say here, that reality, is not something that you can just define and everyone can take that to the bank and build upon it. It is so hard to grasp, in fact, that I will tell you that it is one of the main causes in every dispute that humans repeatably find themselves entangled in. Problems between siblings, parents and siblings, partners, lovers, would-be lovers, students, teachers and students, neighbours,

employees, management and employees, customers, proprietors and customers, religions, subscribers within religions, citizens, governments and their citizens and the granddaddy of them all... countries. This last one can, as we all know, actually lead to what we call war... when realities collide.

This isn't a complete list, but it suffices to make my point.

Reality is how we view the world around us and it affects every single choice we make, all day, every day. And when we sleep? Indeed--same thing.

So if Merriam-Webster's definition isn't very useful... what is?

If I were to ask you a simple question, such as... describe for me what makes a really good movie, how would you go about doing that? Where would you start?

If I might interrupt your response--I would like to interject something as you form your thoughts on the question.

Forgive me for repeating myself, but this is important. What we call reality is in fact,

another way of saying how we each see the world we inhabit and it is very personal.

We won't get into whether or not there actually is a tree growing outside of my window. If there is, we can both go and touch it and answer that question. But, how we interpret that tree... could be notably different.

So how do we see this world?

We experience our world and everything that goes on within it, through our five senses. Whether we hear it, smell it, taste it, feel it or see it, this information goes into our brains and feeds the process. Once inside of our heads, it is then filtered. Filtered through what, you ask? Filtered through the

enigma known as the mind.

And the most interesting thing about all of this? This (or these) filter/s are programmable. The

programming begins while we are still in the womb and it continues everyday--for the rest of our lives! We are programmed by our parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, friends, peers, teachers and everything and everyone we encounter in our culture, in fact, in the world.

Daunting, you say? Incredibly so!

We are programmed by television, radio, advertising, movies, books, newspapers, magazines. Think of the music you listen too. And just to really mess things up... think about what we absorb from the

internet! And, of course, if all of that wasn't information overload enough for you, let's also add in our very own, individual experiences! We are a sponge that is always taking in massive amounts of data from the world around us and you wonder why you get headaches?

Quite quickly, this filtering system starts sorting all of this data and strengthening the mesh, which in turn, determines what gets in and what is rejected. Think... a computer teaching itself, what to think. This filter is making us who we are and how we perceive everything around us in the world!

Things that contribute to our individual interpretation of the world around us... data that reinforces that interpretation, is more coveted and strengthens the filter system. Things that appear to go against the beliefs we have been building, are rejected as wrong, distasteful or not worth following up on.

Each and everyday, for our entire lives, we are continuously building and refining, what can best be

described as a... reality map.

Every single one of us has one of these reality maps and it is what guides us in everything that we do. Now some might be thinking, oh he's just describing our moral compass, but I am not. Rest assured, it is much, much more than just a moral compass. Every human being walking about on the face of the earth has their own, coveted, reality map.

Now, let's get to the part about making friends...

When we are seeking friends, few individuals are barely conscious of the fact that we each have one of these maps by which we live. Most friend making goes on in a manner that could best be described as roulette. We meet someone, they seem nice, I'm looking for another friend, we should be friends. Now you know and I know, that that is not even close to what actually happens.

Think of when you last met someone and there was just something about them you liked. Something they were saying, the way they were dressed, perhaps a story they were telling. They made a good

impression and you thought you might enjoy spending more time with them. Why do you think that is?

Now how about the last time you met someone and they turned you off? Perhaps it was how they spoke, how they dressed or wore their hair. Perhaps it was the slant they were putting on something they were saying. You disliked them quickly and wanted to get away from them. Again... why do you think that is?

It is because your reality maps have or have not overlapped to some degree. Very treasured friends... they overlap significantly. Individuals we are only mildly enjoying their friendship and company... the overlap is small. People we have nothing in common with? There is little or no overlap whatsoever.

Partners that we are the most successful in maintaining a strong relationship with... overlap

significantly. Those we quickly grow disenchanted with... not so much overlap.

If you are having trouble making or keeping friends, it most likely is because of these differences in how we see them, ourselves and the world we inhabit and how they see it too, with regards to liking you or not. When you understand how this system works, it becomes much clearer as to why some people wish to be friends and others don't.

It is important not to get too low when things don't seem to be working out in either finding friends or in keeping ones you think you have found. Accept that every map is individualistic and is also an

ongoing work in progress. Accept those around us for who they are. Some should probably be avoided... I've met a few of those here. Some should be held near and dear, for what you share in

common.

Don't beat yourself up and think that there must be something wrong with you, because you are having trouble making friends. No! Perhaps all you need is to try throwing your line in a different pond.

Sometimes I think that guys who can't get a date... perhaps need to reevaluate both themselves and their taste in women. Those guys who keep dating the wrong kind of women? Same thing. You've heard of guys who have a bitch magnet? Or women who claim they are a jerk magnet? You know who you are... You are fighting your reality map! (Unless, of course, it is conflict you actually crave, then this little chat is of no use to you. You're loving the chaos!)

Best of all, this understanding works particularly well for finding your love interests as well.

Apparently, just liking big tits or long legs is not enough when searching for someone you think you'd like to get a little more serious with. For any chance of it lasting for more than just one or two nights... think about your reality map.

As for extroverts having an easier time making friends? If there is any truth to it, it might have

something to do with them being, at least for some, more gregarious by nature and therefore make

efforts to come in contact with more individuals, making the probability of finding overlapping maps higher.

No, asking every girl in the bar if she'd like to fuck, is not what I mean. But, that has been known to work too.

Personally... I check their palms as well. I never leave anything to chance. Rorschach was onto

something with that little bottle of ink, but we'll leave that comment for another discussion.

If nothing else, I hope this little piece might have shone a light on a matter that seems to trouble all of us at one time or another. I know that it has helped me when dealing with clients and in social

interactions. Just realizing how these transactions between people work, will hopefully help you too. Friends can be a treasured component of a pleasing life, or...

Up next, if there is any interest... transactional analysis.

Happy hunting!

Oh... and write me your response to what makes a good movie.