Once Again with Feeling

"Yes..." she sighed. "Perfect..."

If this courtyard were alive, it must think they were perfect. The slender 5-foot-3 girl of 19 underneath her young muscular lover, wrapped around him like the vines on the hills, with the rushing water concealing their mutual groans and the open sky of an Andalucían spring night making a canopy far above them.

When he was fully inside her, she thrilled to it. To this reinvasion of her body. And when he began to move, she moved with him.

His thrusts were perfect; fast but not too fast, hard enough to jerk her body without hurting her. Strong, sure, sweet and fluid.

Esperanza muttered words against his lips. She hardly knew what her words were; the incantations, maybe. She rocked with him, their pulses beating as one and hot blood flowing just underneath oversensitive skin.

She squeezed his shaft with her walls as he drove into her, their shared fluids gliding smoothly where they were joined. Her hands slid into his hair again, wrapping the silk between her fingers. She put her lips to his chest, breathing in his skin as she muffled the cries of pleasure rushing to her tongue.

The color red was dancing behind her lids again. Her first climax had been so good, but this one now building would be better. As the red flared redder, she knew he was close too. His thrusts were becoming less rhythmic and more abandoned. His moans were becoming just a little louder.

She couldn't quite keep back a cry when the first burst of release came. The second burst came, then the third; as ever, starting deep inside her where they were connected and making its way through her hips and stomach. The last bursts were softer, not quite as intense.

Ezequiel got thicker inside her. He thrust into her convulsing body again, then he withdrew, leaving her empty. His shaft, harder than ever and wet with their fluids, left her body. His face had been pressed into the mat beside her head. Now he raised it to look at her.

His eyes were dark with pleasure and frustration, as they always were at this point--pleasure at their coupling and frustration that the possibility of impregnating her stopped him from ever daring to finish inside her.

But tonight, it wasn't only the pleasure and frustration in his eyes. She saw something haunted in them. His jaw was hard. All the muscles of his body were wire-tense. Without a word, Esperanza moved down the mat.

She grasped his hips. Opening her mouth, she raised it to his ready-to-erupt erection. She sucked the head into her mouth, widening her jaw to take him deeper. His hot girth filled her mouth. His thick scent filled her nose. He tasted of their combined fluids.

"Esperanza," he breathed. His tortured eyes closed in relief. His head tilted back, those beautiful waves brushing his nape.

She wrapped her hand around the base of him, where his shaft met his body, sucking him as deep into her mouth as she could.

He breathed out shakily again, twitching on her tongue. "Esperanza, I... I'll... I'm..."

Esperanza sucked harder, squeezing his base in her fist. His groan was long. She had a quick moment to breathe before the first wad of hot, thick, salty musk spurted from him and hit the back of her throat. She swallowed it quickly, making room for the next spurt, and the next. The rest of his body was motionless above her as he climaxed, held in pleasure's thrall.

She swallowed until the salty spurts reduced to a dribble and stopped altogether. She sucked him a little more, pulling out all he had to give, then released him from her mouth.

His face had dropped back into the mat. His muscles lost all their tension. Moving back up, she eased down on the cushioned surface. Without looking up, Ezequiel put an arm around her. They lay like that as they recovered; her eyes directed up to the starless sky, his pressed to the mat.

It was some time before Ezequiel turned his head. She looked from the sky to him.

His eyes were still haunted. He shifted to face her, lying on his side. He cradled her face in his hands. "I really have to tell you something. It's important. My family's leaving. We're going to Sevilla next month, and I don't know when we'll come back. Probably not for some time."

This surprised her--the Galindo family had worked here for three generations. "Why?"

Ezequiel's lips twisted bitterly. "Because of my sister's fiancé. He's talked my father into moving us all to Sevilla. He's a pharmacist and he thinks we'll do better there, with how things are."

Esperanza also had a swell of bitterness. Everyone was fleeing rural Andalucía. There was regret, too--these stolen nights with him would end even sooner than she anticipated. He'd be gone for at least 2 months before she wedded Florentin San Roman.

"And it's all settled?" she asked.

"Yes. I tried to convince Papa not to, but he's being even more stubborn than usual. His mind is made up. That's what he spoke to your father about this afternoon."

She frowned. "I wonder Papa didn't tell me about it at dinner. I'd think that your father's leaving would be worth mentioning, after so many years here."

"That's not what's bothering me." Ezequiel brushed his fingers over her face. His hands might be callused, but their touch was gentle. "The problem is what we're going to do about it."

"Do? With your father's mind made up, there isn't much to do. It's a pity but I can't blame him. He isn't the first to leave for better opportunities elsewhere. I doubt he'll be the last before things get better."

Ezequiel stopped stroking her face. His eyes searched hers. "A pity? Is that how you describe my leaving?"

Esperanza smiled a little. "Would you rather I describe it as a pleasure?"

He didn't smile back. His eyes were still full of shadows. "This isn't a joke. Don't you get it? I don't know how long our separation's going to be. It could be years before I come back."

"I realize that, Ezequiel. And I wish it weren't so. But if that's the way it's going to be, then..." She shrugged. "Good luck. I hope the pharmacy becomes the success your family wants it to be."

The shadows darkened his eyes. He took his hands off her, raising on an elbow to look down at her. "That's what you have to say?"

Esperanza, still lying on her back on the mat, returned his look. "What else do you expect me to say?"

His mouth slanted bitterly again. "Oh, I don't know, Esperanza. Maybe that you'll miss me, to start with?"

"Of course I'll miss you. I'll miss this. Wasn't that obvious already?"

Ezequiel didn't answer for a beat. Then, seeming mollified, he put a hand to the side of her face. "I also expected you to say you'll be unhappy when I'm gone."

"I'll be unhappy when you're gone," she said. "You've been here just as long as I have. Things won't be the same. I'd rather you stayed, but Papa can hardly chain workers to the bodega when they're determined to go."

"I know. But I also thought that you'd...that you'd promise to wait for me."

An unpleasant jolt went through Esperanza. This time, she couldn't give him the words he wanted. She couldn't respond at all. At first, her silence was from doubt that he could actually be serious. But as she looked into his eyes, full of hope and despair, she saw he meant every word.

Now, her silence was because of regret. Regret at his naïveté, and that it was about to hurt him.

She also shifted, tugging up her nightgown to cover her body. Then she asked coolly, "To wait for you?"

"Yes." He cupped her cheek. "We'll come up with some way of keeping in touch while I'm gone. And I'll visit whenever I can. It'll be difficult but it won't be forever. I'll come back. Then, somehow, we'll be married."

Another jolt made Esperanza sit straighter. This time, the jolt was anger. "Those are a lot of presumptions for someone who's never stated his expectations and who I've never pinned my hopes on. All this time, I had no idea I was going to marry you. Please be so kind as to tell me--what else have you decided for my future?"

Ezequiel swallowed. "Well, yes, I know I've never mentioned all that before. I didn't say it the right way. Sorry. I guess I should have asked first. But, I mean... You know, don't you? You know I love you so much. I've always dreamt about marrying you. Even before you finally noticed me when you came back from Madrid. I can't remember a time when I didn't love you."

Esperanza turned her head away, dislodging his hand on her cheek. She looked into the fountain pool instead of his eyes. Her lips were taut. "You can't be serious."

"Of course I'm serious." He placed his hand back on her shoulder. "I love you. I want us to find a way to be together. Really together. Not just in secret like this."

She didn't answer. Filled with regret at all of this, she watched the endless little rivulets of the water in the pool.

He said her name, almost a whisper. "Esperanza."

She still hadn't readied herself to answer him, so she didn't.

"Esperanza," he whispered again, sounding wounded now. "Don't you have anything to say? Don't you love me back?"

She looked at him then, meeting his pleading eyes head-on. "Whether I love you isn't the point. The point is that what you're proposing can't ever happen. I thought you were intelligent enough to see that."

Now it was he who didn't respond for a while. When he eventually did, his expression was still wounded, but his voice was steadier. "I never thought it was going to be easy. I can see the roadblocks in our way, trust me. But I just think that what we have is stronger. I've always been in love with you, and our first time together was when I really knew that you and me...we're it. We're it, Esperanza. You do love me back, don't you?"

"Love doesn't change the situation or how to handle it."

"Just answer the question first. Do you love me or not?"

Esperanza didn't balk under his eye. Her heart bled, but she didn't balk. "It's an irrelevant question."

His jaw hardened. He took his hand off her arm. Turning away, he refastened his shirt and calicos.

She yanked her nightgown back over her body.

When they were both clothed, he faced her again. "I really thought you cared. That you loved me enough to wait. That 55 miles wouldn't be the end of us. I guess I was wrong."

"55 miles in themselves wouldn't have been the end if we were even possible from the start. But we're not. You're leaving with your family to handle your circumstances, and I've already handled mine."

He froze, arms at his sides. His eyes got darker; whether from dread or suspicion, she couldn't tell. "Handled yours? I don't understand."

She sighed, this time not from pleasure. "I'm engaged, Ezequiel. It was settled this morning."

He looked like she'd landed a physical blow on him. He didn't move. He swallowed before he spoke, his voice sounding hollow. "Who is he?"

"You don't know him. He lives in Madrid."

Ezequiel flinched. "Rich and important, is he?"

"Yes." She said the word levelly. "He's the man that I need. And he's the reason I stayed there some weeks longer than I would have after I finished school."

"So all these months that you and I have been... You've been engaged to him all along."

"I wasn't really engaged. Not formally. Our families have both wanted the marriage for a few years now. It was a non-binding understanding. I only had to make up my own mind."

"And you have."

"Yes."

"So I'm just--" His voice broke. "I've been a joke to you?"

Esperanza couldn't look at him anymore. She directed her eyes at the fountain again. "Don't act like this, for heaven's sake. You know you haven't been a joke. I'm not faking anything I feel with you. I never have."

"Then--then how could...?"

"I thought you understood that this was temporary for the both of us. Maybe I should have made it clear, but it seemed so obvious."

He didn't answer, and she didn't glance to check his expression. At last he asked, "When were you going to tell me?"

"Sometime soon before the wedding. I've written to Florentin. I hope to marry him before the harvest. July, if all goes according to plan."

"Do you love him?"

Esperanza breathed out her frustration. The little flash of annoyance enabled her to look at him again. "Why are you always coming back to that? I don't dislike Florentin and it's a wise match. A necessary match. That's enough for me."

He held her eyes, his own glassy. "Is it?"

"It's got to be."

A minute passed before he nodded. "I guess there's nothing else to say. Seems it's a good thing I'll be gone soon, then. This way I won't have to be around watching you marry your rich, important Madrid man."

He swung away, hasty steps taking him past the fountain pool.

"Ezequiel," she called.

He must have heard, but he didn't turn around or stop. He crossed the courtyard, heading for the door leading out to the oak grove.

"Ezequiel," she called again.

He still didn't pause. He opened the door.

"Ezequiel, I only want to wish you good luck."

Without breaking stride, he passed through the door and was gone.

Esperanza stood in the empty courtyard, staring at the closed door. Then with a sigh of frustrated regret, she rolled up the mat, put it under her arm, and went back to her bedroom.

It was the last time she would speak to Ezequiel Galindo for 17 years.

He ignored her after that night. He never ventured near the cortijo, and on the occasions she went into the bodegas with her father, he studiously didn't look her way.

A month later, in May, he and his family left for Sevilla.

******

Two months later, in July, she married Florentin San Roman.

They had a chapel wedding there in Cádiz, then sailed south for a week's honeymoon in Punta Mujeres. They reached its shores at sunset. Blue-green waters gave way to gray rocks and a sandy beach, then to a spread of whitewashed houses with the volcanos farther in the horizon.

Esperanza, standing beside her new husband on the open-air deck of the private catamaran that brought them from Cádiz, regarded the near-identical buildings. "Which one is it?"

Florentin San Roman, six years her senior at 25 and objectively the most handsome man she'd ever seen, pointed to a building rising on steps from the beach, with bougainvillea on its façade.

"There. That one." Florentin lowered his arm, resting his hand on her nape. "I was promised it's a comfortable house but I've never been inside it so I can't be sure. If you weren't in a hurry to return to the vineyard before August, I'd have insisted on Zürich. I know the city and its accommodations well."

Esperanza gave him a sideways look. This was the third time in their 32 hours of marriage that he was complaining about their honeymoon destination. He'd wanted them to spend a month in Zürich. She'd wanted a week in Canarias, and had carried her point--but not without displeasure on his part.

"A month in Switzerland is too much with harvest coming soon," she said now, for the umpteenth time.

"You say," he replied in his usual smooth tone. He smiled, but his eyes were cool. "Let's not argue again." He stroked her nape. "Next year when we have more time to plan a journey, we can go to Zürich. I want to show you the Old Town."

"And I want to see it--when it doesn't interfere with helping Papa at a busy time of the year." She looked back towards the house on the approaching shore. "It seems promising from this distance."

"The view's going to be good at least. You'll appreciate having something else to look at for a week besides me."

Esperanza gave him an arch smile. "I surely will."

Florentin laughed. "I was fishing for a compliment, Esperanza."

"Oh, that was obvious enough. But you've known me for three years. You know what I'm like. I've never behaved like a trout and I won't start now. Not even for my husband."

Her husband laughed again, his hand staying on her nape.

His touch wasn't yet familiar to her skin, but she didn't shrink from it. The sooner she got accustomed to it, the better. Very soon, they'd be alone in their honeymoon room and he would be expecting sex.

They hadn't taken that step yet. They'd married just yesterday afternoon. After a short celebration, they'd boarded this boat to start the journey to Lanzarote, leaving their guests to continue the reception in their absence. After the stresses of a wedding day and with being on a small vessel with crew nearby, they'd just gone to sleep in separate cabins.

It was tonight, their second night of being man and wife, that their marriage would really begin.

Esperanza placed her hands on the rail. Soon, she would be in bed with the husband she'd chosen. She just had to get it over with. After this first time, intimacy with him would probably feel normal. If she was lucky, it might even be as amazing as what she'd had with--

She killed that thought. Florentin was her man now. She'd get accustomed to him. Their flirting and little touches were already helping. With his well-bred manners and worldly experience, he'd always been easy to flirt with.

They said nothing more until the catamaran touched the gray rocks. The air was hotter here on Canarias than on the mainland, so her hair was off her neck. The waters were calm. There was a manservant already waiting for them onshore.

Florentin assisted her from the boat and onto the sands. She waited there while he settled things with the captain of the catamaran. The manservant greeted them, collected their suitcases, and started up the beach to the house. She and Florentin followed together, her hand tucked into his elbow.

Inside, there was a housekeeper/cook and maid waiting. The house was clean and spacious; a typical beachside villa with views to both the ocean and the volcanos. The windows were open to keep the house cool. A dinner of seawater potatoes, lobster, ajo blanco, fruits, cheese, bienmesabe, and the local malvasía wine, was waiting for them on the terrace above.

Esperanza ate just slowly enough not to make it obvious she was stalling. She especially took her time with the wine. It was her first time tasting the semi-sweet volcanic wines of Lanzarote, and she expressed her critical assessments of it--both positive and negative--to Florentin.

Inevitably, the dishes were cleared, the wine bottle was empty, and there was nothing to do except go to their bedroom together. So they did.

Florentin began undressing straight away. Her final delay was to slip into the bathroom to freshen up. After that, she really couldn't stall anymore. Accepting her decision all over again, Esperanza stepped naked into the bedroom.

Her handsome husband, sitting on the bed in only pajama bottoms, looked up as she entered. His eyes traveled over her; from her crown to her soles and back up again.

He smiled. "Why are you standing so far away?"

She crossed the room and sat beside him on the bed. He palmed one of her breasts, rubbing his thumb over the nipple. There was no instant magic from his touch, but it did feel good.

Florentin leaned in, kissing her earlobe. "You're not a...?"

Esperanza didn't even consider lying. After all, he was experienced and would probably be able to tell that this wasn't her first time.

"No," she said. "I'm not."

"I thought as much. I was only making sure."

She shifted back to see his face. "You're not disappointed, then? Many husbands would be."

He didn't stop rubbing her nipple. It stiffened under his thumb, the pleasant sensation tightening her stomach. "I could only be disappointed if I was expecting something different," he replied. "And I wasn't, since it's you. You're too curious to be pure."

She smiled. "You do know me." Then she arched her brow in challenge. "And you? Are you a...?"

He smirked. "Certainly I am. What do you take me for?"

"A dirty liar."

They laughed, then cupping both her breasts, he kissed her.