One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer

I wanna tell ya a little story about the apartment rent blues.

I come in last night about half past ten and there she stood, yeah, she wouldn't let me in. Yippin and a yappin her gums away at me with her spray tanned arms and her smoke stained teeth. Hands on her little hips and blockin my apartment doorway with a mean old dog look on her face was the person I least wanted to see and who I'd been tryin hard to avoid, my naggin landlady of the past 5 years, Carol Brown.

She'd been just settin and a waitin for my ass to return like some kinda soul eatin vulture. Tryin to wake everybody up makin a loud commotion while wearin some hot pink shorts and a ratty and torn, oversized

Hank Williams T-shirt that just read, "Hey, Good Look".

"Ol' Hank would be howlin at the damn moon iffin he'd a known it woulda come to be like this," I thought to myself.

I reached into the front pocket of my jeans, fumblin for my keys and felt the tip of my dick harden. I stumbled a little bit from one too many PBR's but I could see it in her face as I got closer to the door. I knew exactly what she wanted. Yeah, uh-huh, and my dick knew it too. She weren't there droppin in to check on what condition my condition was in. She was there for some of my midnight special. She needed it to shine some of its ever lovin light on her. Lord, listen to me now. I'm tellin y'all, she wanted my mother fuckin dick!

"I want my muthafuckin' money!" she yelled.

I tried to keep a straight face. I tried to keep myself from laughin at how damn silly she looked with the dark roots startin to show through her peroxide bleached hair and with a lipstick stained Chesterfield ready to fall out the corner of her mouth, but I failed. A snort of spit flew out from me as I giggled and wipin my nose in my sleeve, I moseyed up to her face as close as I could and placed a finger over her wrinkled lips.

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," I whispered till I was almost outta breath and wheezed out another laugh in her face. "Shhhhhh, why you tryin ta make it so hard for a man to fuck you? Just keep your spurs on, woman, you'll be riding this bull cock in 8 secs, I promise you. Just let...just lemme wait for this knob to stop spinnin and I can get this here key in."

She continued just a fussin and a spittin all sorts of nasty and callin me out for bein shiftless and lazy and a pointin her prickly lil finger into my chest.

I gotta say that practice makes perfect cause she was gettin really good at this, houndin me for rent, ya know? So, I decided to play along and really ham it up for any one of my nosy neighbors with they ears to the door listenin in.

"C'mon now, Mrs. Carol, will you let me slide? I'll have the rent for you tomorrow or the next day, I don't know," I said in a drunken slur.

I slid my key in as she got behind me and kept on with her award winnin actin performance.

"The locks are going to be changed by next Friday! I'm fucking serious! Me and my other tenants are tired of your guitar playing. Your music sucks! Your lazy, good for nothin' ass is always broke! You're always bumming from people one thing or another. You're eating into my money and my patience."

Well, that was a bit much. There was no cause for that. She ain't had to go and insult my guitar playin.

"You've got one week and then you're going to find all your trashy ass, worthless belongings sitting out on the sidewalk!"

"Mrs. Carol?" I yelled down the apartment hallway, still strugglin to keep from fallin down from drinkin, I mean, from laughin. "Mrs. Carol? Mrs. Carol?" I says, "You old hag! Why don't you just let me be? I'll have all your money on times like I always do!"

Then I slammed my door shut as hard as I could so as everyone would know I meant business and ain't to be pushed around by no triflin witch of a woman.

As soon as I locked the door Mrs. Carol went and hauled off and col' cocked me in my arm.

"Ow, why you do that for?" I cried.

"Who the fuck are you calling an old hag? I'm younger than you, you asshole! And I wasn't joking none about changing the locks, either! No money for rent? Then out the door you'll go!"

Ok, let's just put to the side that this here woman ain't damn younger than me, ok? But she was right in the fact that yours truly had hit a bit of a rough spot and had been findin it hard to scrounge up some much needed scratch. So I decides I'm gonna try first to wins over her heart.

"Ms. Carol, ya know, you knows I been tryin hard to find me a gig for my band and me. Lookin through the paper, classifieds and whatnot. It ain't been easy out there. I been walkin all day."

"I seen you today!" she barked, "I seen you today and you was standing on the corner leaning up against a post! You're drinking and pitching pennies in the alleyway with the other bums from around the block. That's what you been doing. I don't think you're even trying to find no job. You know what your problem is? Nobody wants to book no rockabilly polka and blues band. Folk music is what grown people now find pleasing to the ear. You should try to sound more like Peter, Paul, and Mary. Trust me."

So you know people, heaven can't do a thing to melt that hellish a heart. I shoulda known that sympathy wasn't gonna work. Do you sees now what I mean? I ain't been callin her mean ass names for nuthin. Peter, Paul, and what the who?! How she put her mouth to say them words? You see now what I been sayin? She ain't never got nothin nice to say to me.

So I then try to play hard. I tries to play hard cause I really don't wanna be outsides, ya know people?

"Alright then, Mrs. Carol, what if I just comes right out and tells Leroy that I been givin you the hard ins and the soft outs after he gets home from his shift at the junkyard?"

"That don't confront me none! You go right ahead and do that! Ain't nobody meaner than Leroy. He's a 6'4" piece of trigger happy Sicilian muscle. First thing he's gonna do is kill you and then he's gonna kill you again for good pleasure and dispose of your body in the car crusher. Then, when he makes it around to asking me if it's true, I'm gonna say that your dead ass was nothing but a goddamn liar!"

She was right and that's what I get for servin up a stupid question, but before y'all goin on in thinkin that she done gone and got the best of me. Don't be forgettin I still gots the one thing I'm great at. The thing that makes women gaze in wide wonder. It's the real reason Mrs. Carol was here in the first place and why I had been livin with a roof over my head this long anyways. I tried other means, y'all seent me, I did! But y'all, we all knew from da jump it would have to come down to this. I ain't really wanted to do it this way, but sometimes a man gotta do things. Do man things to a woman, ya know? Things to shut them da fuck up. Likes how Paul gave Mary some Petey long stick, it was time for me to give this ol' bag here some lovey dovey.

I picked up the bottle of Johnny Walk on the stand next to my door and took a swallow. Popped a stick of Wrigley's in my mouth and now I was ready to give her dick-a-plenty. Looked up and down her body to gets myself into my sexin mood and grabbed the bottle again. I figured I needed to take another swig or 3.

Now! Now, I was good and ready!

I reached in my pants and pulled out the pen I sign my rent check with. Gloved up my Cocky Balboa, ya know, so she could have a close encounter of the third leg. Yessir, I was finna give whiny Mrs. Carol's cunt its fill of the 10 inches of joy that I had found.

Listen up y'all now. I couldn't be doin no messin around. The stakes were high. I needed to come through in a big way on this needy pussy or I had to pack my bags and then go. I couldn't afford to leave no wrinkly fold unturned, y'all hear what I'm sayin? I had to do the deed to have a lease. So I done set my mind to go down and munch on that hairy snatch!

I got down on my knees and slipped her out of them there shorts and spit on my fingers to get her good and lubricated so's I don't split that cunny in half with my donkey-horse dong. I'm just sensitive like that.

Y'all, if I'm lyin, I'm damn dyin. Staring right back at me and my face was damn bleached pussy hairs! This woman done gone and matched the carpet to her drapes! Dark roots and all! Looked like a fuckin twat toupee!

"You like? I did that last week," she smiled, "I got other colors I'm meaning to dye it and I've been curling it, too."

Now, I gotta say, for all the shit that this woman be puttin me through, the side eyes and the insults, I'd be just dead wrong if I said anythin bad towards the pussy. We just talkin the pussy alone by itself, understand me? That thing was top shelf. Over these five years, I did my share of stop, droppin, and rollin in between her legs and I ain't got no complaints there. It was dealin with the poison mouth and whatever crazy she was doin with her clothes and to her body on any particular day that was the trouble. I would say us sometimes meetin like this was a love-hate kind of thing but money's-late would be more like it. Alls I'm sayin is the pussy was damn good, nice and tight, and all warms and dick cozy once you got past through the ice cold, bare boned, smoke hackin parts that made up the rest of her.

"It looks very nice!" I lied. I lied and closed my eyes and got to tellin myself I was not dreaming and I was really a man who was 6 million dollars richer and this all was a necessary inconvenience before I could get my Charlie into a frosted highlighted angel that resembled Farrah.

I backed that little ass right there against the wall next to my door and went to work. I decided on takin the well beaten path startin from her belly button and goin on down. Cuttin through curled brush and heavy thicket, my lips dragged along until I got to her vineyard. Then I pulled on the main vine, inspected the well seasoned grape between my fingers, and started suckin it before I got ta crushin it.

"Garçon? I'll have a glass of your finest white. Mmmmm, very well aged. Full bodied. A bit nutty. Pairs well with hard penis. Bold character. I taste just a subtle hint of strawberry. And? And I smell the wispy highlights of... cotton? Were you wearing cotton underwear earlier? Ah, yes, a '57! A good year for fucking Peeno Gringo!"

I buried my face deep into her socket and flipped her switch all kinds of ways - off and on, sideways, and up and down. It got so good to her that she wrapped one of her legs around my shoulders and her lil bulb started just a flickerin and a twitchin in need of screw tightenin.

I started strummin that pussy in that sweet chord spot of G, if you know what I'm sayin. She started doin her best Elvis impersonation, croonin and gyratin her hips all in my face and just a beggin for my hunka, hunka man banana to peanut butter deep in her love me tenders. I waited for her to start complainin about the tune I was playin... I ain't heard nuthin!

I moved her ass to my livin room and bent her over my sofa for some dog on dog action and buried my bone right there in her front yard. She started huffing and puffing all over my long necked magic dragon and I decided to slow it down a bit cause her old ass was gettin worn the fuck out and gettin kinda dry and rubbin up against my dick all raw and scratchy like.

So's I spins her ass around like a baton and gets her on the couch for some good ol fashion Catholic confessional. Face to my very pretty face and her lookin into them baby blues of mine that done broke a thousand hearts. This always never fails to get the lady bits back wet and custom fittin right around my big cock. I'm talkin missionary, y'all.

I fixin to fuck my rent into next year people! She got herself on my double decker dick bus and gotta one way ticket straight to the hard streets of Fuck City. I digs my head into her shoulder, spread her chicken legs wide, and starts tunnelin to China on her ass.

Fuckin like this, y'all, I've noticed is like second nature to me. I'm just a born natural. I'm not braggin, it's just true. It's been like this since the day I was born. Women of all shapes and sizes just gather around and are attracted to me. And I never disappoint packin their empty pussies with the full and Thorogoods. Ladies, can I getta 'Amen'?

Now, by this time, she really startin to feel me throwin the good meat. I hear the treble, I feel the bass, I catch the beat. I'm strokin deep, I'm diggin right, and I'm feelin mellow. You knows when you fuckin it right, the pussy starts to winkin and, ah, sayin 'hello'.

"Oooh," she starts sayin in my ear, "Oh, baby! Oh, baby, please! It's just so much! You have to...Just so much, baby, please! Just so much dick, oh, baby! Your cock is... You gotta, please! Oooh, you're so... You're going in deep! You're so deep you might just give me a baby, baby! Your cock is so big! I can never get enough! Not sure how much more I can...You're gonna have to take it out me! Take it out me! Meeeee! Eeeee! Noooooo! Eno! E-NO! Enough! Enough! Get! Off! Me! You havta get the hell off me! Get your slobbering ass off me!"

"What? What's wrong?" I ask all bleary eyed and confused.

"What's wrong!? You passed out! You fell asleep on me, you bastard! You bent me over and started humping the arm of the couch. I don't know what your dick was feeling but it wasn't me! Then you got on top and you weren't in me two minutes before you fell asleep and started snoring. Just another messed up thing in the long list of reasons why your ass needs to go! You can't even fuck like you used to!"

Blah, blah, blah. This woman never shuts up with the talkin and the blatherin and the yackety-yac. I sits myself back up on my couch and rubs my eyes to try and fix myself on her mouth that's movin like 95 miles an hour in overdrive. All this gibberish she was spoutin was splittin my brain like a jackhammer and it hurt tryin to figure out exactly what she was complainin about now.

"OK, so what you sayin to me is that that was still the best two minutes of sex you ever had, am I right?"

"Ugh!" she cried looking down, "You came on my shirt. There's cum over Hanks's face!"

"Now, hold on there, for that I do apologize!" I said as if I were speaking to Hank himself, "I meant no disrespect, my good sir, but I was aimin to shoot my hot jizz on HER face."

"You're a piece of shit! You know that? Look at this mess! What have you been doing to my apartment? I'm going to have to paint, fumigate, and probably call animal control in here after I boot your ass out!"

"Look, I feels you, I been complainin about the sloppy maid service around here for years to the damn landlady myself."

She rolled her eyes, kicked an empty beer bottle and pushed over a stack of pizza boxes in her way and asks me, "How do I even get to the bathroom to clean myself off?"

"Hey?" I groaned. "My tower! You knocked over my leanin tower of pizza."

She turnt and flips me the bird and slams my bathroom door shut. I rolled myself off the couch and walks to the kitchen. I open my fridge and had to turn my head to shield my eyes from the bright white reflectin back on me. Nothin was in there. Nothin unlessin you wanna count a full sealed bottle of Ripple and a can of Bud that had turnt over and spilt out half its guts.

Goddamit Y'all! Things were lookin bad for me, I know. But I got principles and standards! Rules and shit! Life ain't gotten to be damn Ripple bad. Not yet, anyways.

I wiggles the can free from the piss yellow, sticky leftover mess it laid in, gives it a little shake in my hand, and swallow what was left in one gulp.

"Ahhhhhhh."

I goes over to my counter and reaches into my cookie jar and I feels around. I feels around, ya know, til I gets to the bottom and I finds me my hidden stash.

"Lawd, I'm gonna get my back scratched tonight and that's fa sho!" I says.

I pulls out what I had stuffed in a little plastic baggie and I starts a countin. 1, 2, 3! Three hundred and forty five dollars! She a howlin bout the front rent, she is? She'll be lucky to get any back rent. She ain't gonna get none of it!

"Mmmmmm, mama's hungry. I'll take a few of those off of your hands, if you don't mind."

What the hell! I ain't even hear her come out the bathroom. I ain't even hear her roll up in my kitchen! How y'all not tell me this bitch done snuck up behind me?

I thinks fast before I turn around and do a rope-a-dope and slips a few bills in one hand and puts it in my pocket. I turns and hands over the rest of the wad into her greedy, money grabbin, bone of a hand.

"There! Happy now?"

"Wow! Oh, wow! I wasn't expecting this," Mrs. Carol says smacking her pasty lips around another cigarette, "Where did you get this money from?"

Fuck! Fuck me! Fuck me to hell, y'all!

She unrolls my money and starts a countin, "1, 2, three hundred bucks! Well, looky here, aren't you a potluck dinner surprise. Mmmmmmm mine, all mine."

"You happy now? I'm outta here," I says, "I needs to go for a walk and clear my mind."

Mrs. Carol put up her skinny arms in front the doorway, blockin me from leavin.

"What you want now? You done got your rent money."

"Yeah, and I appreciate that it's still fifty short! But what I asked for was some cookies. Now, walk your ass back over there and get me some!"

Y'all beat everything, y'all know that? Had y'all just warned me, given me a heads up, I coulda still had... You know what? Never mind. My main troubles ain't with y'all.

I leaves my place and walks down the streets towards my favorite waterin hole and I gets to thinkin it's all for the best. Rents paid, right? And with no worries there, I can think freely and gets my creative juices flowin and come up with some new and killer tunes for the band. Maybe, instead of tryin to book clubs and hole in the wall pubs, we could branch out and be a lounge act or do parties? Birthdays! Nicer and classier things! Bar mitz..."

"Hey! What the hell's the matter with you? Watch where you're going! You almost knocked me over! Jesus H. Christ, you scuffed my shoes!"

I looks up and see with all the ruminatin my mind was doin, I done bumped into a guy out walkin with his dressed up girl for a evenin stroll and I raise my hands up to say I don't want no trouble and keep a walkin on my way. I makes my way to the corner and wait for traffic to pass so I can cross the street and go to my local bar. One day, I'm gonna have police escorts wherever I go and I won't have to wait on no traffic. One day, just this world sees, I won't worry about running into folks. My pockets will be so fat and my fame will just be the known and respected crown I wears that even kings and queens will step aside!

I feels a tap on my arm and I turns to see that same dude again standin in front of me. So I gets my hands up again, this time, ready for the start of some beef.

"I, uh, I want to apologize for earlier. Man, I've been there. I've been down and out and I should not have yelled at you like that. I know better."

People? I ask you - have I been looking that sad? That pathetic? Am I already playin the part of a homeless bum? What's this guy seein and talkin about?

He looks over his shoulder and I bring down my noggin knockers and behind him I can see his woman there standin off in the back with her arms folded and face all frowned like she his mom instead of his side piece.

"Why don't you try and come see me Monday. I've been looking for a few good workers and maybe we can find someway to help each other out," he says and slips in my hand some pieces of paper and goes on his way.

I crosses the street and stops right at the door of my bar and I open my hand and in it there's a business card. It says... well, screw the damn card! Folded right next to it is a fifty. A fifty! From my mathtiplications I done more than doubled what I had to begin with! Maybe things are finally turning lucky for yours truly.