Our Final Goodbye

I remember the last Christmas I agreed to go home. After 8 years of living in England, Christmas in Botswana was alien to me. Summer heat over Christmas just felt wrong, too hot for so many of things that I had come to associate with Christmas. If I could be persuaded to visit, I generally preferred to come during April or the British summer when days were moderate by Botswana standards and the evenings were cool enough to manage sleep without the air conditioner working overtime. But Dad had been pretty insistent I visit, and he was happy to pay for my flight. It would be my Christmas present.

Christmas did bring me other presents, time spent with my little sister - Maggie. A precocious girl who had come into our lives nearly 3 years after I had left home. Watching her enjoy Christmas was worth the trip if nothing else. I also enjoyed the time I spent with Dad, and could find myself enjoying my stepmother's company. It appears that being separated by nearly 6,000 miles allowed us to ignore the things that separated us and focus on enjoying being together -- the fact I was one of the few able to keep up with Dad in the bar was a bonus.

Boxing Day brought a gift I could never have asked for.

It wasn't an email I was expecting. I knew she was in town, but I never really thought to meet up with her. Too much time had passed. Aside from the occasional email to check in we maintained minimal contact with each other. I knew she had moved on with her life, much as I was trying to move on with mine.

"Hey, send me your number, please. I leave on Monday, I just want to pop by and give you some stuff :)"

She wanted to see me. I couldn't believe it, we hadn't seen each other in 3 years. Despite the lack of promise in her message, the old longing returned. The Christmas hangover I had been nursing, suddenly disappeared.

"72346820. I'm free all day." I didn't know when she'd respond. Her email was already 3 hours old when I saw it was the festive period I had to assume she'd be busy.

15 minutes later my phone rang, it was her old number, the number I'd known for 13 years.

"Hello"

"Hi Mike," she said excitedly through the phone. My heart stopped a bit, her voice had changed it was more mature now, her accent slightly adjusted from her years living in South Africa, but it was her.

"Hi Helen, what can I do for you?"

"My parents are moving to South Africa and while packing we found some old things of yours. I think you should have them back before we go."

My heart broke a little at this. I had known about her parent's plan but there was something about the return of things I had given to her so she always had a piece of me and now she wanted to be without them, the physical reminders of what we once had. For a split second, I wanted to tell her to keep them, to throw them away, to do with them as she pleased. I stopped myself before I could say the words, it would ruin any chance of seeing her, something in that moment I knew I wanted more than anything.

"Sure," I replied keeping my voice as measured as possible, "Dad and I are going for a drink around 4 if you want to join us. It would be nice to see you and I'm sure Dad would like to say hi."

"I don't know if I'll be there at 4 but I'll try to be there as soon I can. Let me just make sure my parents don't have any plans".

"No problem, just let me know."

"Okay, speak soon."

And just like that, the call was over. I felt like I had been holding my breath the entire conversation. Just her voice had my heart beating differently. I knew I had made the right decision in asking her to join me for a drink with Dad, his presence would keep me tempered it was just a casual drink with an old love so she could return her last reminders of me. 20 minutes later there was a ping on my phone.

"Will be there around 4.30. looking forward to seeing you 😊." Just like before my heart started beating a little faster.

If Dad was a little annoyed when I told him we'd have company for what was meant to be a quiet recovery drink he didn't show it. I'm pretty certain the bastard smirked when I told him who it was though. I will admit I didn't help my case about it being just a casual meetup when I decided to dress up a little. Our normal clubhouse uniform was a pair of shorts and a clean t-shirt. Suddenly I had my best jeans and a nice polo on.

Dad and I decided to walk across the golf course to the clubhouse instead of driving. I tried to hide my nerves at the prospect of meeting the woman I had loved with heart and soul for 13 years. The woman whose heart I had broken, the guilt of my actions had become a part of me, a barrier to allowing myself to love fully again. The fear of finding someone who could love me as deeply as she had. The pain that love would bring. Thankfully Dad and I were comfortable with each other's silence so he didn't pursue a conversation. I'm sure he had questions about why Helen wanted to see me, but he figured he would find out soon enough.

Sitting out on the deck of the Clubhouse in the cooling late afternoon was always an enjoyable experience. The staff all knew us and our habits so we didn't really have to order drinks, they'd developed a sense of our drinking pace and knew when to bring out a new round. The deck and main bar on of Clubhouse was on the second story overlooking the putting green, it also afforded a view of anyone driving into the Golf Estate and Clubhouse. Dad was looking through his various gardening magazines while I nervously looked up as cars drove past hoping to spot her as she arrived. I had already decided to meet her in the car park. She may have changed her mind and just wanted to give me whatever it was she had found. I decided to go for a quick smoke to calm my nerves. Dad played his usual game of preferring not to acknowledge that I smoked and ignored me when I left the table. I may have been old enough to smoke, but I knew he didn't like it so I preferred to hide it.

I had just lit my cigarette when I saw a little blue car pull into the driveway. I looked up and while I didn't get a good look at the driver, I instinctively knew it was her. My heart beating a little faster I took a couple drags of my barely lit cigarette before dropping it into the courtesy ashtray by the entrance and went to go and find her.

I don't think she had heard my approach as she sorted herself out while getting out of the car. I stopped a couple of metres away and let her finish. I studied how she'd changed since I last saw her, she was still petite, but her body looked softer, rounder, and more mature. And to my mind more beautiful. I saw the surprise in her eyes as she looked up startled by my presence. I saw a smile appear as I studied her face, I was right softer, rounder and more beautiful. I finally settled onto her eyes, green as ever and alluring. I recognized the look on her face, she'd had it ever since we met, the innate ability to see through me to identify my feelings and flaws and love me regardless.

"Hi", she said brightly taking a step towards me.

"Hi, fancy a drink" I reply lamely, caught off guard by the genuine joy she seemed to be taking in my presence. I was delighted to see her, I just didn't think she'd be as happy to see me.

"Yes! I want to see you and it would be good to see your dad. Are you sure he doesn't mind me joining?"

"Nonsense. If he minded he wouldn't have come out, I think he's curious."

Her laugh was loud and genuine, just as I remembered it.

"Why would he be curious?" she replied with a slight hint of mischief in her voice.

"You can guess why," I said turning to lead her to the bar. I felt her hand slip into mine as we walked, it felt warm and natural.

We caught up in generalities as we walked into the bar, there were a few raised eyebrows from the staff curious about the pretty woman holding my hand but they were professional enough to not say anything. I asked her what she was drinking so I could add her to our tab.

"White wine please."

I'm sure the barman had heard her but he looked pointedly at me as if waiting for me to confirm it.

"Alfred, can you bring a white wine for the lady please." I felt her squeeze my hand slightly as I ordered for her and turned to take her outside.

I wasn't surprised that she let go of my hand as soon as she saw my dad, I was surprised when she reached out to hug him. Our relationship had never really included our parents except on certain occasions so this familiarity was odd. If Dad was surprised he never showed it. I pulled out one of the raised bar stools that we preferred and held my hand out to help her to her seat. As she got settled the waiter brought her drinks as well as a refill for me and Dad.

"You only ordered my wine, and yet they bring drinks for all of us. How often are you two in here?" she asked with a knowing smile, familiar enough with our drinking habits.

"I'm here about twice a week for most of the year and quite a bit more when Mike is home. He doesn't fly back as often anymore and when he does his trips are shorter, so we tend to have to meet for a couple of drinks here for our time." My dad replied on our behalf, "Then again he doesn't have the motivation to come home he once did" he finished unhelpfully.

Annoyance passed over her face as she looked at both of us, it quickly passed as she saw the embarrassment in my eyes and humour in his.

"Mr. Smith, you can't be referring to me as his motivation. This is only the fourth time I've seen him since he left the first time and he's never gone out of his way to ask me when I'll be here to see each other. Maybe you should ask him why?" she responded with a smirk as she caught onto Dad's game. The bastard had switched his allegiance to her.

They both looked at me expectantly respond. Unable to think of anything I took a deep swig of my drink and excused myself to the bathroom. She looked at me hard as I got up and held out her hand for me to help her down.

"We all know you're going to smoke and think, I'll keep you company."

I took her to the other of my preferred smoking spots, this one being more private than the main entrance, I knew away from Dad there'd be no escape from what came next.

She stared at me intently as I lit my cigarette and let me have a couple of pulls before saying anything.

"Mike," she started slowly, "Forget what I just said. We both know the answer and that's between us. Let's try and have a nice time, please?" She finished with a pleading sincerity in her voice.

Having never been able to deny her, I nodded my head. She took my nonsmoking hand and gave it a gentle squeeze while waiting for me to finish. Content in our silence I finished quickly and led her back to the table where Dad had seemingly arranged another round in our absence.

With another glance at me she said, "Mr. Smith, Mike and I are going to play nice with each other so you have to play nice too. You making him uncomfortable isn't helpful."

My dad looked at both of us carefully noting that we were still holding hands and nodded his head.

"Helen, you're 26 now, I think you should call me William."

Helen laughed, squeezed my hand one more time and let go. We had an enjoyable evening after that she spent about 20 minutes catching my dad up with her life in South Africa while he caught her up with his government work. Eventually, Dad retreated into his gardening magazines and left us to talk. We didn't cover any serious matter, it was just the easy conversation of 2 people who genuinely enjoyed each other's company. After about an hour Dad looked up and decided he'd had enough.

"As fun as this has been, you're both far too old to need me as a chaperone. There's clearly a lot of unsaid that needs to be said before you go your separate ways. Helen, why don't you come to the house you can take a bottle of wine or 2 out onto the meadow and have the chat you're both avoiding," He said rather calmly.

She looked at me unsure of what to say I shrugged my shoulders firmly putting the ball back in her court, this was her show, and it was up to her how far we went. She gave me one more look and nodded before responding.

"Thank you, William, I'd love to see your new house. Mike says you walked here, can I drive you back? I'm not sure if I should drink anymore though if I'm driving," she replied with a nervous tone to her voice.

"My dear you certainly don't have to drink anymore if you don't want to, it might help with the nerves though. I'll walk back and Mike can guide you to the house". With that, Dad got up to pay the tab and left us to our own devices. Suddenly a nervous energy came over both of us. The unsaid was suddenly in the open and without Dad's presence, we were no longer able to skirt around it. I watched her nervously play with the stem of her now empty wine glass. I observed my beer, hesitant to take the last sip desperately wanting to delay the inevitable.

Finally, I decided to give her an easy out, "You know we've had a good time, we could just leave it here and not worry about the rest".

"No," she said with a firmness I wasn't expecting, "There's a lot to say and we can't keep on leaving it unsettled".

Nodding, I finished my drink, and got up holding out my hand to help her down.

"Shall we?"

"Yes, we shall," she retorted as she took my hand.

I guided her back to the house Dad had built with my stepmother after I had left home. It wasn't my home, I was accepted in it as my father's son, but it was a home for them and now Maggie.

As we got out of the car she was nervous and clamped down on my hand as if she needed the reassurance that everything would be okay. I gave her a gentle squeeze to let her know we'd get through it together and I felt her relax slightly. Reflexively she let go of me as we went to say hello to my step-mother Marie. They'd never really gotten to know each other in our previous life and while there was no animosity, I had never taken to her as a teenager and Helen had simply followed my lead. Dad had gotten home a couple of minutes before us, so the lack of surprise on Marie's face was understandable.

After giving her the 2-minute tour and surprising her with the 2 dogs she'd known as puppies, I picked a bottle of wine, 2 glasses and some water and took her out onto Dad's meadow. Sitting at the concrete picnic table she looked at me carefully for a minute before opening the wine.

"I thought you didn't plan on drinking anymore?" I asked curious to her change of mind.

"Your dad is right, it's for the nerves", she responded unsure of herself.

I looked at that face I knew so well and recognizing her uncertainty poured a glass for myself.

She started asking about the house and Maggie looking for a distraction. I answered her questions happy to give her the distraction, protecting both of us from whatever it was she wanted to say. Our wine remained undrunk as we skirted the conversation. Eventually, she moved to my side of the table and leaned into me and pulled my arm around her. She felt so familiar and natural I wanted to hold onto this moment for as long as I could.

"Mike," she starts to slowly "It's going to hurt again. Seeing you today makes me so happy, being with you feels so right, but when I wake up tomorrow. I'm still going back to my life and you're still going back to yours. I don't want to hurt because of our love anymore. My boyfriend knows I'm here with you and he's okay with it, I promised him that after today your ghost won't be in our way anymore."

I was stunned by this revelation, not that she had a boyfriend, stunned that she could share what we had with him so freely, stunned that his love gave her the confidence to see me and seek closure.

"I didn't know today would be like this, I thought I'd give you back your things and maybe have a drink for old times' sake and be on my way." She continued not giving me the chance to say anything, "Then I saw you waiting for me, and I realized I genuinely wanted to see you and spend time with you. I know it's going to hurt me and I know it's going to hurt you. It might even hurt more than it has before because it's the last time. But I wanted this time with you. Do you understand?"

I did understand and that's the problem. I would always love her and she would always love me but our presence in each other's lives always came to a painful end. I hated hurting her and I am sure she hated hurting me. I knew in my heart I had hurt her far more than she hurt me. Just as I knew the pain she inflicted on me was always just a retaliation to something I had done. If only I'd been able to love her as openly as she'd loved me. If only I'd been able to accept the protection her love offered when my demons came out. I'd never been able to and I wasn't sure I ever could. And so our love hurt.

"I don't want you to hurt for me anymore Helen. It's not fair on either of us." I say trying to keep the emotion out of my voice. I feel her snuggle into me a little closer. "I love you. I may not be your romantic love anymore but you are still my soulmate. The person who sees past the layers I created to protect myself and love me. You tried to protect me from myself and I'm sorry I couldn't let you." She pulls my arm tighter around but remains silent. I kiss the top of her head hoping that little gesture of affection will let her know how genuine I am.

"I love you too. It took me a long time to heal you know after you left the first time. And almost as soon I was over you, you were back. And then you started coming to school to help out and pass the time and then before we could talk about it we were together again. I didn't want to get back with you so easily after how much you leaving hurt but I couldn't stop myself."

"I only came to into school for you. I was prepared for you to reject me, if you had I would've gone back to England. Our lives were too interlinked then, we had the same friends and we had all the same hangouts, it's not like we could have avoided each other".

"I didn't want to see you because I knew I couldn't reject you but I suppose it was inevitable. But I'm glad we did. I can never regret the times we were together. But then you had to leave me again Mike. And that's when I knew I could never let it happen again. You were going to Uni in England and I was getting ready to go to Uni in South Africa, I could handle seeing you once a year but I couldn't handle the pain of being with you, knowing you'd leave me all over again."

"I know, I can't tell you how many times I thought about coming back, maybe transferring to your Uni. But I was so wrapped up in the idea of getting away from here that I never thought about it. England was easy, I had my Grandma for family support and I had my choice of University. I never wanted to leave or hurt you, I just knew I couldn't stay."

"That's why I never asked you to stay, you had to leave, you were dying here." She pauses to take a brief look at the house, "you were hurting because of them and it was killing us. You couldn't have gone to my Uni because your sister was in the same city and while I was able to avoid her you wouldn't have done, you'd have tried to fix her and it would've broken you. You had to leave them behind and I couldn't follow."

"Do you remember when I came to visit her and you surprised me by coming on that night out?"

"Yes. I wanted to see you, and make sure you were okay. I needed to know you were happy. But you weren't and that night you pulled that mask on and became the version of you it hurts me to love."

"I didn't know you were going to be there. Maybe you and Bella thought it would be fun, but it was the first time I had seen you in a year, you had a boyfriend that wasn't me. I didn't know how to deal with you being there so I went into my dark place. Knowing I couldn't lash out because our friends were with us, I turned into that person. Only you saw it though, you're the only one who's ever been able to see beyond the façade. Between being at my sister's and you being unavailable to me, it wasn't a good combination."