Our Inner Demons

Making myself comfortable at my second therapy meeting, Lisa M Kelly sat facing me legs crossed flipping through her notes.

"Why don't you start from the beginning, Emily. Just close your eyes relax and tell me how it happened again."

After gradually slipping off my shoes, I approached the fridge in my bare feet and recalled Archer, my business partner who accompanied me on this trip. Hurriedly pacing away from the restaurant once our client was out of sight. I was sure he was going to drown himself in alcohol that night, especially after how he embarrassed himself at the meeting. Our client did not seem nearly as interested in our offer as he did on the phone, which really caught us off guard and I had to practically beg him to go with our company for his business. That had caused Archer to panic during the business dinner, since I had told him it would be an easy sell earlier that day. At least we pulled it off.

I pulled open the fridge door, spilling light onto the green carpeted floor, and grabbed the first little bottle I saw in the bar fridge. I didn't even care what it was. While I was more of a wine girl, I chugged until nothing remained in the tiny vodka bottle.

I tossed the empty into the closest trash bin and picked my phone up from the bed, sighing as I found my husband in my contacts.

I held the phone against my ear and listened to several rings. I thought it was going to go to voicemail, a part of me somewhat hoping it would.

"Hello?" Brad's voice came, interrupting the cyclical rings.

"Hi," I said, sitting on the edge of the bed and crossing my legs. "Just wanted to call and say I'm back in my room."

"Ah, that's good."

Silence.

Really? That's all you can say?

"I don't know if good's the right word for it. Our client was kinda second-guessing going with us. Had to re-talk him into it."

"Wow. What a pain."

"Yeah. And Archer... Remember Archer? The new guy I told you about?"

"Uh-huh."

"I still think he's nervous being at a new company. He kind of got tongue tied near the end and there was the longest pause between the three of us. I swooped in and saved it, though."

"That's great."

"Yeah. Gonna turn in soon. Was kind of a long dinner. Flight's at eleven in the morning too. So sleep is sounding very appealing right now."

"Okay. Sleep well."

"What are you up to? How was your day?"

"It was okay. Nothing to really write home about. Gonna read a bit and then go to bed."

"Okay. Sounds like you're having a more relaxing night than I am. How's Anna?"

"Sleeping. She had some homework but I helped her with it."

"That's good. Glad you had an all right day. Oh! Don't forget. You're picking me up at the airport tomorrow."

"I'll be there. You left a note on my nightstand."

"I wanted to remind you. You know, just in case. Good night, Brad."

"Good night."

I pulled the cell away from my ear and, before I could hit the end call button, Brad's name and the buttons below it all disappeared. I was left facing the list of recent calls.

Wasn't in a chatty mood tonight. Typical.

Feeling the skin on the backside of my neck growing a little warm with anger, I returned to the fridge and chugged another after setting my phone down.

I'm probably going to regret this tomorrow, but who cares? I can take a nap on the flight home.

I tossed the now-empty bottle into the trash as well. Then, I proceeded to change out of my knee length black sleeveless dress, I bent over in my underwear to dig some pajamas out of my suitcase. When I stood up, I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror hanging above the desk in my room's corner.

God, no wonder Brad has not been interested in you lately.

I had no way of arguing with the thought, at least not with what I saw in the mirror. For starters, I was auburn hair, which caused my face to sometimes be naturally flushed and make me look like I had a slight sunburn all the time. And the parts of my body that weren't slightly red were somewhat pale, as I never tanned well. Naturally, I also had a few scattered freckles across my face and down my arms. My bra and panties were both plain. It did not help that my bra only held B-cup sized breasts, which had seen better days before I had my daughter. The panties themselves were nothing spectacular either, just your standard white cotton brief. I could not remember the last time I wore any of my more sexy panties. While continuing to gaze at own reflection, my free hand rose to my belly and traced my fingers along some of the faint stretch marks pregnancy had left me with. My fingers slowly brushed against them, at least I'm married. Nobody wants to date a lady who looks like me.

I sighed and shook my head, tossing my pajamas onto the bed and taking off my panties. Come on. Don't talk about yourself like that. No point. Just... You lost most of the baby weight, remember? And some guys are into moms. Most of them are probably really young, but still. MILF is a thing for a reason, right?

I stuffed my laundry into my suitcase and put on my jammies. Tonight, I was wearing a plain white shirt and my favourite bottoms, which were soft and had long blue legs with stars scattered across them. I had assumed I would be in a good mood that night, given how the sale seemed to be a sure thing when I originally packed. So much for that.

I then took my makeup wipes out of my suitcase and headed to the bathroom to take my face off.

When I came out of the bathroom to put the makeup wipes away, my head was feeling slightly lighter and I didn't feel as tired as I did when I returned to my room. Sometimes being a lightweight has advantages.

Wait. What time is it?

I dug through my pajama pockets for my phone, only finding air and fuzz. The phone also wasn't on the nightstand where my charger was plugged in. Fuck, I must be drunker than I thought if I can't even find my cell.

"Excuse me for a minute Emily, last time". She paused to look at her notes. "You stated you had one drink in your hotel room?"

I sat up opening my eyes. "Well to be honest I didn't want to come across as a lush, Lisa. If we are counting I had two glasses of white wine during our meeting. And two shots of vodka straight up in the hotel room."

There was an awkward moment of silence between us Lisa did not elaborate any further so I felt compelled to continue.

"I generally do not drink and I haven't been drunk since my teenage years. I, I guess I was more rattled about the earlier meeting and what was going on between Brad and I. I was away from home and I guess I was letting my hair down a little bit. Sometimes I feel like I have to be the perfect employee, wife and mom."

There was another big awkward silence that she continued to write in her notepad. I gain leaned back and close my eyes.

"Carry on Emily, I am listening!"

Eventually, I saw the phone on my room's tiny brown couch, which was just in front of the window and next to the AC unit. I picked it up, pressing the power button, noticing that I had a missed a text from my co-worker, Archer. 8pm? It's really only been an hour since I left the restaurant? Shit. Still too early to sleep.

A knock came from the door.

"Emily? You haven't turned in yet have you?" an unusually loud voice asked from outside in the hall, Archer voice. "You weren't answering your cell."

I plugged my phone into the charger and placed it on the nightstand. Then, I went to open the door.

He stood before me in the hallway towering over me at what must have been a height of 6'. On top of being a tall man, Archer was very big in terms of his body type. Now, I do not mean fat. Don't get me wrong. He was somewhere in between large and muscular, like a lumberjack The sleeves of his light blue dress shirt were rolled up, showing off arms that seemed to nearly be twice as thick as mine and were covered in a field of black hairs. His left hand was stroking his dark beard. Meanwhile, his right hand tightly held the paper handle of a six pack of beer bottles. I always had a soft spot for men with body's like Paul's, the big and burly kind you just want to snuggle up to. I'll admit, I thought he was very attractive when he was first hired at the office and still did. But the fact that I was married obviously meant that nothing could happen. I would also learn soon after his hiring that Archer. was married too, despite only being in his late twenties. That was another reason why nothing could happen between us, that ten year age gap. I was thirty-nine and he was in his twenties. Still, that did not prevent the occasional thought or fantasy on my part.

"Care for a nightcap?" Paul said, raising the six pick a little too quickly and almost causing the bottles to fall out of their paper box. He seemed to be aware of how awkward the gesture was and nervously tugged at his tie.

"You've been drinking too?" I giggled.

"Drinking too?" Archer. said, stepping into the room moving past me.

"Oh. I kind of raided the minibar," I admitted with warm cheeks, both from alcohol and shame. I closed the door and watched him set the beer down on the desk.

" I hit the first Liquor Store I find. Just needed booze in me as soon as possible.

I figured I'd probably buy you some as a thank you for saving my ass tonight."

"Both our asses," I pointed out, nervous about having him in my room walking across and sitting on the couch. "I would have been in as much trouble as you if Mr. Simon backed out."

"Yeah, but," Archer said, opening one of the beer bottles with the hotel desk's corner, "you still saved the day. And that's worth some free booze."

"Thanks. Appreciate it, but I think I'll make an early night of it."

"Not me," Archer said in a forced high-pitched voice and walked towards me beer in one hand.

"Cheers, bet I can chug this. Have a drink with me!"

"We're not at some frat party. Why would you chug your beer?" I said nervously trying to move away from him.

"You just scared of losing?"

"I mean, if I wasn't so old, I could probably put up a decent fight."

"You're not old."

"Yes, I am."

"Are you over forty?"

"What? No. I know I look much older."

"Oh, no. Not at all. I thought you were like twenty-eight, thirty tops."

"You're such a fucking liar," I said, somewhat surprised that I swore so easily. Must be the alcohol.

"I'm serious. You have a very young face. It's because of the freckles, I think."

"Ugh, don't remind me. Being a ginger isn't all that great. I get red even when I wear sunblock on cloudy days."

"Okay, back to the age thing. You are not old. But, whatever. Agree to disagree. Since you don't seem to like being 'old,' why not try at least acting like you're young and chug a beer with me? You definitely earned it after tonight."

Archer laughed, "Oh? I'm sure you were popular in college."

Maybe it was the alcohol or the fact that I had seen Him completely embarrass himself that night, but I felt oddly comfortable. Actually, Archer was usually quiet.

"The flight tomorrow is probably gonna be a bitch after all the beer I've had tonight

It'll be Friday, though. We get a three-day weekend since we won't be going into the office."

Archer finished taking a sip from his beer. "True. So, I will sleep on the plane ride home and when I finally get back into my own bed."

"Aw. Your wife's picking you up from the airport?"

"No. She's got dinner plans with co-workers. So, I'm just gonna take an Uber."

"Sorry to hear she can't pick you up."

"Yeah. But I sort of get it. She wants to fit in at work, so she's trying to socialize. Don't get me wrong. It sucks being home by myself so much, but she wants to make a good impression."

"Wait," I said, trying to recall the bits and pieces I knew about Paul's personal life. "You guys moved here three months ago and she still hasn't made any friends at work?"

"I mean..." Paul said, sighing after taking another swig of his beer. "She's kind of shy like me. And she feels very nervous about how her co-workers see her."

Paul took an especially long sip of his beer. "You're really nice to talk to and pretty!"

"Okay, you are cut off," I teased, tapping his beer bottle with my hand. "I am feeling pretty hot and wanna turn up the AC. That okay?"

"Yeah."

I walked over to the AC unit, the cheap plastic button practically fighting me at every number. When I was done and the AC began to hum, as I went to turn Archer was standing behind me. His hands on my hips, his hot breath on my neck. My eyes slightly widened as he grabbed the back of my hair moving it so he kissed my neck. I just stood there in shock and then I felt him guiding me away over toward the bed. My knees hit the side of the bed; he pushed me forward, my hands pressed down on the mattress I tried to steady myself. What was happening, why wasn't I saying anything? A large hand pressed down on my back, and I could hear him tumbling around behind me. Then I felt it frigid air my bare ass has his left hand jerked my pajama bottoms down panties and all. I heard him spit and then I felt it.

Tears stream down my face I suddenly snap back to the here and now,

Emily stated. "Emily would you like to take a break?"

I opened my eyes she was leaning forward offering me a tissue. "Thank you." Then I reached and poured myself a drink of water. Drying my eyes and setting a cup of water back down I said, "I am okay to continue."

Lisa set her pad and pen down for a moment and scooted her chair a little closer to me. "Listen, Emily, I know where this is going, and you did not give consent. You were assaulted, you did not cheat on your marriage"

"No Lisa, there is where I think you're wrong. Before.... before He He touched me. I fantasized about it in my mind, and I did not stop him. I didn't stop him at the door when Archer came in, I didn't get up when he sat down next to me." Pausing again to wipe my tears... "I did not push him way when he bent me over the bed. And I am not going to lie to you. I cannot say that I didn't feel..... My body reacted to him even though my mind was blank."

There was a long moment of silence between Lisa and I.... Then she spoke up and stated.

"Let's just say it is a grey area and leave it at that for now"

Then I began again. He was rutting behind me taking me animalistic. I could feel my body reacting an orgasm building when suddenly. No sooner than when it began, Archer grunted out and came inside me.

Then he slid off and fell on the bed. My legs were shaking as I crouched down to the floor. Resting my head on my hands on top of the bed.

I heard him whispering.

"You are amazing Emily.

God, you're so beautiful.

This is like a dream come true."

Listening to his words, when is the last time I'd had sex? Brad had not made love to me in a couple of weeks.... Oh, my God, Brad, what have I done? I have dishonored my marriage. As I jumped to my feet, almost falling on my face,I realized my pajamas were down near my ankles. I struggled to pull them up and dashed into the bathroom to clean myself and wash away my shame.

After taking a hot shower and scrubbing myself Raw I cracked open the bathroom door and peeped out. Only to see the room was empty. Nothing left behind to remind me of what just happened other than.

The beer cans two of the six empty sitting on the nightstand. I locked the hotel door crawled in bed Running the night's events over in my mind. Was this something that I wanted? Did I bring this upon myself? I cried myself to sleep.

Meeting my husband, the next day at the airport, my body was trembling. Hiding my eyes behind sunglasses. I was so relieved that my husband had brought our daughter. Their warm hugs and my Anna's constant chatter made the ride home bearable.

That night at near bedtime. I made a point of telling my husband that I was at the end of my monthly still. just in case He wanted to Initiate some welcome home lovemaking. I just was not up for it tonight. Yet on the other hand I still wanted him to take me, claim me back as his.

We did just that the following night. It was wonderful. We spooned afterwards; he had no idea I was crying.

Monday morning at work. I dreaded seeing Archer. When I did, He was very cold and dismissive. Just greeting me.

"Hello, Emily."

Looking down at the floor as if nothing had happened. Then just carried about his business.

Our boss was very happy with the outcome and formed us so. He then carried on to his earlier scheduled board meeting. But the following day at work was very peculiar. First thing as I arrived. My boss called me into his office and told me to take a seat.

"Emily, I have called you in here to tell you that Archer was here earlier this morning."

My heart sank and I felt physically ill....

"He told me every." pausing "Archer stated how you saved the day and did all the work, all the heavy lifting. That he felt unqualified for this position any longer and gave his resignation immediately.

I guess I owe you a heap of gratitude. I will make sure the next person that I hire will be better qualified in order to assist you in the future. Thank you for everything, Emily.. There will be a signing bonus on your next paycheck."

Then he dismissed me to get back to work. I did not know what to think about Archer. What had happened? But it did solve one of my problems.

I no longer have to face him every day. Now my only problem other than my own insecurities. Do I tell my husband and if so will it break our already fragile marriage.....

"Well, that's enough for today, Emily. Before you go let me just say this and think about my words. People cannot infidelity or affair-proof their marriage. Happy people still stray. I see people in satisfying, happy relationships. They say, 'I love my partner, I'm having an affair'. It's not that they want to leave the person they are with, it's that they want to leave the person they have themselves become....We have a lot to work on, but I promise you everything is going to be just fine in time.

Six months later

"Well, Lisa, like we talked about last session. The new guy at work is still working out just fine. He's such a kind older gentleman, he reminds me a lot of my late Father and he's so knowledgeable. Brad and I have done a lot of talking and it turns out we were both feeling the same way to a great extent. We had both focused so hard on our careers and trying to be good parents we forgot about us. Just like you said."

I looked at Lisa smiling showing my gratitude for her help over the last few months. Brad was apprehensive at first when I told him I was seeing a therapist. But as time went by and I discussed things with him He saw the improvements between us and became fully supportive. Lisa smiled at me, and I carried on.

"We are sitting down every night and talking about our day. I bought some new lingerie and take pride in my appearance at home. It is definitely paying off in the bedroom. Brad has complimented me a lot, that really helped. That horrible wakeup call that broke my fragile psyche was never discussed. I have so much regret and I am so remorseful every day."

I stopped again and wiped a tear from my eye.

"I have been adamant about making sure that I tell him every day about how much I appreciate him and our family. We go for walks together and we hold hands. Every day when we head off to work or we're going to be apart for any reason we kiss, I mean really kiss. Not just a peck and we greet each other the same when we return. Now when we say I love you to each other we stop what we are doing and look into each other's eyes"

"We're coming to the end; I know there are still some emotions hanging in the air; I know this is upsetting for you and this is a challenging sometime. I see great changes in you Emily, and you have come so far. I am proud of you and you should be proud of yourself"