Out in the Black Ch. 17

This is a book-length work, so not every chapter will involve sex. If you're just looking for a quick wank, this may not be your story.

Thanks for reading!

=====

The hospital bed wasn't really meant for two - especially not when one of them is the size of my engineer - but Rusty and I made it work for a while as we chatted, my head resting on the shoulder of his uninjured side. I hadn't exactly planned to hide my trip to the med bay from him; it also wasn't something I was in a hurry to talk about. Not because of the cracked ribs themselves - though I knew he did feel responsible for those - but because of the conversation I'd been having with Leelee when she noticed the bruises and dragged me bodily to see Siobhan.

"What are you doing back?" she had asked, following me as I stomped into my quarters.

"Buchanan showed up," I said with a scowl.

"Rusty's friend? Kells?" I nodded and opened my wardrobe. "Did he ask you to leave?"

"No. I offered to give them some time to catch up. I needed to change into something less this anyway." I gestured at myself, indicating the heavily wrinkled and highly unflattering scrubs.

"But you're not happy about it." I shook my head and started to pull off my shirt. The last few minutes in Rusty's room played through my mind and my hands froze as the pieces clicked into place.

"He doesn't know," I said wonderingly.

"Who doesn't know wha - oh holy fuckballs!" Whirling to face my XO, shirt still balled in my hand, I found her staring at my chest. Looking down, I was shocked to see it covered in purple bruises.

"What the hell, Mac?" she demanded. That's when she decided the best course of action would be jerking my arm half out of the socket to force me to see the doc. All of the happenings in the med bay itself were safe enough to tell Rusty, and I must admit I enjoyed his reaction to my impression of Siobhan, but it was awkward trying to wrap up the story without revealing the conversation Alix and I had continued after my torture by DOTS.

"You were saying?" my XO asked as soon as the door to my quarters hissed shut behind us. She moved to sit cross-legged on my bed while I went back to digging in my wardrobe as if we hadn't been interrupted. Between wearing just the thin pants I'd gotten from the hospital and being turned into a human popsicle by the plexicast dispenser, I was chilled to the bone and found it hard to focus on anything but getting more clothing on as fast as possible. But it didn't take long to turn my mind back to the epiphany I'd had before the great bruise fiasco.

"Rusty," I clarified, my voice muffled as I tugged an undershirt over my head. The cast was thin enough my clothes fit okay once I managed to get them onto my body. Doing its job of keeping all my parts in place to heal meant the binding also restricted my range of motion and made everything take at least twice as long as it should. Though the shivering didn't help.

"Of course," Li muttered, rolling her eyes. I grabbed a pair of shorts and stepped into the toilet cubby to change out of my scrub pants.

"It explains a lot, actually," I said, trying to control my irritation. I knew she was beyond tired of what she saw as a one-sided attachment. "He's caring and affectionate until it's time to talk about emotions, and then he gets withdrawn. What I realized just before you tried to pull my arm off is that he doesn't actually know what love feels like." Alix blinked at me in confusion when I reemerged.

"How is that possible?"

"I can't give you details because it's not my information to share, but suffice to say that his childhood was very different from yours or mine." I gave my friend a pleading look as I struggled unsuccessfully with the upper half of my jumpsuit. Taking pity on me, she helped me finish dressing while I continued to explain. "My parents weren't the most outwardly affectionate people, but they still told me they loved me and hugged me once in a while. Your family is very touchy - I've probably gotten more hugs from your parents in the last couple of cycles than I did the entire time I lived at home - and I've seen how much they hold and cuddle your nieces and nephews."

"What does this have to do with Rusty?"

"Nothing. I mean, that's the point. He didn't grow up with that stuff."

"Okay," she said, pacing the room. I claimed her former perch on the bed. "But even with that, there's still media that shows love and romance and stuff."

"Sure, but we had our early experiences as context. If nobody ever cuddled you or kissed your forehead or gave you affection, taught you that the way you feel when you're close to someone like that is 'love,' would watching a vid about romance help you know what that felt like?"

"I don't know. Maybe not? It's not something I've ever thought about." My friend's brow creased as she looked at me. "So, you're saying he can't love?"

"No. I'm saying he can, but he doesn't know to call it that. I think the pressure and confusion he feels about emotions are why he kept himself apart for so long. If he didn't get into relationships, he didn't have to deal with it. Hookups with random strangers on various stations and colonies allowed him to avoid the issue entirely." I ran a hand through my hair, grimacing at how limp the hospital soap had left it.

"I don't know why it was me of all people that made him decide to break out of his self-imposed isolation. For whatever reason, this thing between Rusty and me happened and somehow it works. Even if he can't name it, I'm pretty sure he does actually love me." Alix sighed. "I know. I'm fully aware how pathetic this sounds, Leelee. And maybe I am deluding myself. I don't know. But I do know that I love him and I think what we could have is worth trying for."

"I don't think you're pathetic," she responded. "What you're saying makes some sense, though I'll have to take some time to try to wrap my head around it." Li gave me a lopsided smile. "Believe it or not, I have noticed that he's different with you. And I do believe he cares about you." It sounded like it pained my XO to admit that last part. After chewing the corner of her lip for a moment, she threw her hands up. "If nothing else, he saved your life, so I guess that earns him the benefit of the doubt."

"He said he didn't want to wake up in a universe without me in it." I felt my cheeks heating as I repeated Rusty's words.

"Woah. Carter Rust, the engineer on this ship, actually said those exact words?" Alix stared at me in disbelief.

"Yeah," I confirmed quietly.

"Shit. You should have led with that, Mac. Boy is totally in love with you." I threw a pillow at her and winced as my ribs twinged.

"This makes a lot more sense now," Alix said, neatly dodging the missile and handing me a package that smelled like heaven. If I'd still been waffling about whether this thing with the engineer was worth a go, receiving 900 grams of Jovian Dark Roast from him would have won me over.

"Cap, this is for all the late nights ahead as you save the universe. Signed, R," I read aloud. My XO swore this was the first she knew of the message, insisting that she had deduced the sender by process of elimination.

"I didn't get it for you and you obviously didn't order it for yourself. Who else is going to send you something from CaffRat?"

I looked up, distracted from the card. "How did you know I didn't order it?"

"Mac, I've known you how long? In all that time, have you ever ordered coffee and not immediately started asking me if it had arrived yet?" I conceded the point. "Since he got you coffee, I suppose I'll let you keep him. If nothing else, that proves he cares about the rest of us." Alix reached for the tin, laughing as I smacked her hands away. "Maybe it's time to go thank the guy in person, huh?" she suggested.

Somehow more than two hours had passed since I'd left the hospital. Realizing that, I felt an urgent need to get back coupled with a superstitious dread that leaving Rusty alone invited something bad to happen to him. Something else bad.

After ordering Alix not to even think about drinking my coffee upon pain of death, I allowed her to push a couple nutrient bars on me as I left the ship. Because I am a grown-ass man, I make it a policy not to skip anywhere. But I have to admit there was a suspicious lightness in my step as I made my way back to Beacon, replaying Rusty's statement in my head. When I'd opened the door to his room, I had been relieved that everything seemed peaceful, though disappointed that he was asleep. Then it turned out the engineer wasn't sleeping; rather, he was sitting there in pain, waiting for me, and I felt guilty all over again. Doubly so after reading the note from Buchanan and remembering my earlier annoyance with her.

Don't give up on him, Carolinas. She had written in small, neat print. Hopefully this will keep you going until he pulls his head out of his ass. K.B.

A few days later, I got the chance to thank her in person. To be honest, I jumped at the chance.

As much as I loved Rusty and as happy as I was that he had survived, I needed to get some time away before I murdered him. I was trying to be understanding, I really was, but my patience with him as a patient was stretched thin. My engineer is a man of action: always doing something, checking something, moving things around, working with his hands. Surgery and blood loss had taken a lot out of him, and he was heavily medicated, so Rusty spent the majority of the first couple of days sleeping. Once he had recovered some energy and his pain was more manageable, however, he turned into a terror.

Before he was allowed out of bed, he fidgeted. Constantly. Once he was given permission to move around a bit, it was a never-ending struggle to keep him from ignoring his doctor's instructions and risking further injury. The restrictions chafed at him and he vented his pique by snapping at me. I may have been a bit short with him as well. It got to the point that we were either arguing or fuming in silence, so when his physical therapist arrived that afternoon, I took the opportunity to get the hell out of there.

The idea of tracking down Kelly Buchanan had come to me that first night as I watched Rusty sleep. I felt like I should apologize to her, both for that flash of jealousy and, well, for watching her have sex with my engineer. She couldn't know about the former and I wasn't sure whether or not Rusty had told her about the latter, so apologizing wasn't on the table. However, I thought maybe thanking her for the coffee would assuage my restless conscience.

And I was at loose ends. The broadcasts had been picked up by the major newsfeeds, licensing fees were coming in steadily enough that our immediate financial needs were covered, and Alix had everything completely under control. Our production crew was more than up to any requests for specially cut footage and my input was not needed nor wanted on that front. Leelee basically shoved me out of the ship and told me to let them do their jobs and enjoy the break, which meant "stay the hell out of our way." In fact, she used those exact words the next time I was hanging around looking for something to keep me busy.

Thus, I found myself sitting in a restaurant on the upper mid-levels that specialized in Martian cuisine, waiting for my lover's ex-fuck buddy to meet me for lunch. I heard her before I saw her. Rusty had talked about Buchanan's laugh, how it was so much bigger than her, so I was not surprised to turn and find those striking green eyes flashing as she cracked jokes with the host before they turned to lead her to the table. I stood and offered my hand, which she shook with a smirk, and she thanked the other person by name before taking her seat.

"Friend of yours?" I was just making small talk, but nerves made it come out like an accusation.

"Pak? Not really," Buchanan responded. Her tone was pleasant enough, but the smile had dropped from her face. "They're married to my college roommate's older brother and recognized my name. Apparently tales of some of our exploits are holiday staples."

"What are the odds, right?" I forced a smile and managed something approximating friendliness.

"True. You never know who you'll run into out here." Her jaw was set and she picked up the menu, turning her attention to it and effectively ending my first stab at conversation. It hadn't taken me long to completely fuck that up.

"Look, Buchanan, I'm sorry." She snapped her head up at that. "I'm not at my best right now. And I'm nervous because I know you and Rusty had a thing, and he cares about what you think, so of course I managed to act like a complete shit first thing and really, I apologize. I'm not trying to be a dick. As Rusty says, it just comes naturally." He was right. Not about the dick thing - or not just about the dick thing - but about that laugh. It really was something.

"Call me Kells," she said, still smiling.

"Mac."

"Well, Mac, I owe you an apology as well. Here we are, just days after someone tried to fucking murder you, and instead of remembering that maybe you're still a little on edge, I get all pissy pants because I had it in my head you were going to be a prick and was more than ready to see that no matter what you did. So, I'm sorry too."

"Aren't we a pair," I said with a grin that she returned. "Out of curiosity, why exactly did you think I was going to be a prick?" And thus began what Rusty later assured me was a typical Kells conversation. She started by telling me how she often lost friends when they got new partners and we wound through the story of how she and Rusty had met, the pros and cons of various ship engines, comparing our most loathed aspects of staying on Luna, and so on, until our food was long gone and my stomach hurt from laughing. It wasn't until we were on our way out that I actually remembered to thank her for the coffee.

"My pleasure, Mac," she responded as we walked toward the lifts. "Rusty's a great guy but he keeps to himself too much. You've been good for him."

"So, do I get the Kelly Buchanan stamp of approval?" I tried - with limited success - to control the smile that threatened to take over my face.

"Provisionally." She elbowed me in the ribs - which were, luckily, fully healed. "Survive the rest of his hospital stay and we'll talk." Her laugh followed me into the lift and I used my fingers to rub at my aching cheeks. It turned out I actually liked Kells. Rusty was going to be such a smug ass about that.

It was most of a tenday before Rusty was finally released, with strict orders from Dr. Kwedhi to avoid strenuous activity for another tenday at least and to avoid further explosions for the foreseeable future. Despite our rocky start, the surgeon and I managed to work out our differences by the time Rusty was cleared to leave, especially once he discovered we were on the same side when it came to making sure Rusty didn't re-injure himself. Even so, I wasn't going to miss Beacon. I knew Rusty was more than ready to get back to the ship, and I was beyond tired of the politics of the Ring Station.

The Enforcers interviewed me just once about the attack and it was more of a formality than anything. We'd turned over the footage - which allowed them to watch exactly what had happened - so they mostly asked about my history with Geeta and if I'd ever met my attacker. From what Rusty told me, they were more aggressive with him, edging right up to the line of accusing him of collaborating with the bomber. Ring Enforcers had gone through the effort of digging up his records from when he was a kid and they spent half a day trying to get him to admit he had convinced me to report on the Bottoms as some sort of revenge. To say that pissed me off would be an understatement. Over Rusty's objections, I called in Alix and had him relate the story again, after which she went on a rampage.

My goal was to get the Enforcers off my engineer's back. What I ended up doing was putting myself in the line of fire. Once my XO had ripped them a new one, not a day went by that I didn't have hours upon hours devoted to meetings with various political and economic power players. Everyone was polite as can be and nothing objectionable was stated outright, or even strongly implied, but the message was clear: they wanted me gone - us gone - and were willing to devote significant resources to that end. As irritating as it was for me, I took satisfaction from acting clueless, frustrating their attempts to subtly buy me off.

Crispin Phillips did their best to mediate, but they held their job at the whims of those who were dead set on getting rid of me, so there wasn't all that much they could do. Still, they made the effort. And that went a long way toward soothing the irritation I'd felt with them on our first meeting.

After my initial probing by the Ring's higher-ups, Crispin met me when I got off the lift on Deck 9 and dragged me to a high-end eatery for dinner. Naturally, I suspected this was another ploy by their bosses to get rid of the problems I caused - the carrot to the stick, so to speak. Phillips smiled at me disarmingly over their plate of noodles, though, and talked about life on the Ring. The restaurant was dimly lit, the tables far enough apart to give the illusion of privacy, and my companion turned out to be charming, intelligent, and possessed of a sharp wit that was most often directed at themself or their higher-ups.

Despite my intention to stay on my guard, by the time I returned to Beacon, I was mostly won over. As I told Rusty about the experience, I realized Crispin Phillips had not asked me a single question, yet they had drawn me out even so. They were really, really good.

Still, I didn't turn them down when they invited me for lunch the next day. And I accepted their offer to take me out for drinks the following evening. Rusty was grumpy about it. He claimed he was envious of my freedom to be somewhere not in the hospital. Maybe that was part of it, but his barbs focused on Phillips trying to get into my pants too often for me to believe that's all it was. Kells gave him shit about being jealous, which only made him pissier. It was adorable, except when it wasn't.

In fact, it was a suggestion from Crispin that led me to make it a point to spend time with each member of the crew while we were stuck on the Ring. Li and I invited a handful at a time to various restaurants for lunch or dinner where we discussed what they would like to see from the Marzi in the future and where they felt they fit in with those goals. We followed up with private, one-on-one chats and, by the time Dr. Kwedhi said Rusty could go, I was feeling better about my work than I had in as long as I could remember. The crew of the Marzipan Dream was becoming a cohesive team and we had a mission we could believe in.

When he was finally liberated from the trauma center, said crew gathered to welcome Rusty back to the ship, with the addition of Kells, Crispin, Lissa, and Rusty's Strays. Their cheers were deafening in the tiny galley and the man himself turned alarmingly red. He managed a halfway polite response, even if it came out rather strangled, and his color gradually returned to normal.

Awkwardness aside, the atmosphere was festive - Bailey had even baked a cake - and Rusty sat at the table, making an effort at conversation. Li and I stood in the hall across from the doorway watching the scene unfold with amusement. It was nice not being the center of attention for once. In addition to my interview with the Enforcers and the endless meetings, I had talked to special investigators called in from all over the system and every major newsfeed, plus half a dozen independent journalists.