Peace of Mind

Grace decided to change the subject.

"Jonas said you stayed at the museum until late. You piqued my interest," she said. "Did you find anything interesting?"

"I found bits and pieces of Middletown's history. Nothing solid yet. The Quileutes, the Nisqually, and the Chehalis lived in this area when a large caravan of settlers came around 1853 crossing the Oregon Trail. Their leader was Fergus Carter. They ended in an unnamed valley, where they finally settled down. Fergus Carter built Middletown from scratch. That's all I got from the early days."

"You discovered all this in just one day of research?" Grace stood to check on the pizza. She turned off the oven, took it out, and set the steaming pizza in the middle of the table. It was covered with a mountain of pepperoni.

Landon shrugged. "I still have a lot of work to do. I was thinking about scanning some of the old pictures, we could use them for the website."

"That's a great idea. You can ask Jonas to use the computers at the community center."

Grace cut the pizza into slices and had a spatula slid under the first piece to help lift it and place it on Landon's plate.

"I'm so pleased you're interested in the history project. You took a weight off my shoulders." She talked as if he was doing her a favor and not the other way around.

Landon lifted the slice of pizza in the air, its cheese dangling in a long string. "I'm glad I could be of some help."

Grace took one slice for herself and gave it a bite.

The sun was going down, and vivid scarlet, pink and coral ribbons crossed the sky, and blessed the mountain.

"Do you mind if I ask you what happened to you?" Grace asked Landon and took another bite. "You don't need to answer if you don't want to."

Landon hesitated. Grace didn't push him for an answer and focused on eating her pizza.

"You know I have PTSD," he said all of the sudden.

"I read about it on the internet. Post-traumatic Stress Disorder happens to people who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic event. Derek had that too when came back to Middletown."

Landon nodded.

"If you want to talk about it, I'll listen, but if you don't, we can talk about any other things. I still have a lot of gossip to share. My brother always says I can talk someone's ears off," Grace offered with a charming smile.

Landon smiled.

"Doctor Michaels, my therapist, says that talking about the traumatic event over and over again is part of the healing process. Exposure therapy I think he called it."

Landon really hated to admit he'd needed help. But, for some reason, he didn't mind talking with Grace. There was something special about her, something bright and luminous. She was a free spirit, forthright and fresh. A ray of sunshine in his life.

"I got Scout from a group specializing in matching dogs with veterans. Derek arranged it."

"Your dog is amazing," Grace said smiling at Scout. He was sitting beside Landon drooling at the smell coming from the pizza. Landon gave him a small piece. Then he stared through the large window, remembering.

"My whole team except for one man was killed during an attack," Landon said, making the words bald and flat.

"The lone survivor was Derek, right?" Grace asked.

Landon nodded. "Derek's face was disfigured. At first, I thought he was dead too. There was so much blood and his face was split open. I could barely stop the bleeding. I was injured myself."

"I'm truly sorry. I can't even imagine what you went through. You lost your friends..." Grace took his hand across the table.

"Not friends," Landon corrected her sharply. "My team."

"Not friends," Grace repeated dubiously.

"My team," Landon repeated. "We were a team. A family. We would've died for each other, but they were never supposed to die for nothing." Landon looked away, vaguely conscious of having said too much, but he couldn't help adding quietly, "And not without me."

There was a little awkward silence. The shadows inside were still too strong, the memories too recent.

White lights. Shots. Screams. His screams. More shots. Pain. Blood everywhere.

"No," he heard himself screaming.

He was only vaguely aware of someone touching him, talking to him, but he couldn't understand the words. A loud bark, a warm furry body pressing against him...

"Landon. Breathe. Take a deep breath. Breathe," the voice commanded. Despair flooded him.

"Breathe." The voice was louder, too strong to resist.

Air rushed in, then out.

"You're doing great," Grace said quietly, with an impossible gentleness in her voice, her hand in his. "I didn't mean to... I'm so stupid... I should learn to keep my mouth shut."

She hugged him tightly and felt how his whole body grew stiff, taut with tension.

The voice whispering in his ear was gentle. "You're safe."

Landon surprised himself hugging Grace back. It relaxed him enough that it almost felt natural. Scout tried to crawl up on his lap pushing his way with his nuzzle between them, making whining noises.

"I'm sorry," Landon apologized.

Grace spoke into his shoulder, "I'm the one who is sorry. Please, Landon, let me help you. I want to be here for you any time you need me."

Landon leaned back breaking the hug, his cheeks a little flushed. He scratched the dog's ears.

"Do you feel the love in the room too?" he asked Scout trying to make a joke.

Grace laughed through her tears and kissed Landon's cheek softly before returning to her chair.

They finished the pizza in silence. Grace took care of the plates and then she said, "I think I should leave."

Landon didn't say anything. He just stood up and walked her to the door.

"Good night, Landon," she said. "I had a great time. I am truly sorry if I triggered something. Please don't hold it against me. My brother says I was born with my tongue disconnected from my brain. Call me if you need anything. Day or night."

"Thank you. I hope I didn't scare you off."

Grace placed her hand on his arm and rubbed it softly. "You didn't. You won't scare me... I can handle whatever you're comfortable sharing. I want to be your friend."

"I'll keep that in mind. Thank you."

After a searching glance, Grace turned and Landon watched her stride to the car.

He stepped inside and leaned against the door. He didn't look out the window, but he sensed she was still there outside.

It was another moment before he heard the car startup.

Landon sat in a chair and thought about the unusual evening. The flashback with all its terrors and Grace hugging him. That brief connection. So brief and yet... so real.

He did his night routine, went into the bedroom, and turned the light off. But he doubted he would get much sleep.

CHAPTER 15

Landon felt Scout licking his face and pushing him with a paw trying to wake him up. He realized he was having another nightmare.

The sun hadn't come up yet. He got dressed and they headed for the mountain. He was relieved to note it was easier today than it had been before. The night sky was so pure he ached with the beauty of it.

The sun came out from behind the mountains by the time he got to the top.

He and the dog sat there, trying to erase the last traces of his bad dream. Well, who knew what Scout was thinking. He cocked his ears at the chirping of a bird or a rustle of a squirrel or rabbit, but he didn't move from his side.

Landon still felt shaky.

What would Grace think of him? For some reason, the answer to that question was important to him.

After his father died when he was fourteen, his mother waitressed in the only coffee shop in town. Tips were rare, and they mostly lived on leftovers from his mother's work.

Growing up Landon had been so intent on leaving his hometown that he had studied every spare minute he had. Every moment, that was, that he wasn't helping his mother raise two younger sisters.

That reminded him. He should call his mother. He had promised to do that when he reached Middletown, but so much had happened so fast he had barely taken a breath. He punched in his mother's number on the satellite phone he always carried with him. It was answered almost immediately.

"Hi, Mom," Landon forced cheerfulness into his voice.

"Hey, baby boy. It's so good to hear from you. I was worried. How is everything going? Did you meet with Derek?"

"It's going well. Yes, I've met with Derek, and he helped me to get into a program for guys in my condition. People in Middletown have been very helpful. I'm living in a cabin outside town. They asked me to write a short history of the town to help pay for the rent. I might be able to send you some money soon."

"That's the last thing I care about," his mother said. "I saved some of that money you sent when you were deployed. We're fine, Landon. Josie's husband got a job as a mechanic at the mines. Thank God, he doesn't have to work in them."

"What about Callie? How is she doing?"

"Honor student," his mother said. "Says she wants to follow your path. She is thinking about trying for one of those Army ROTC scholarships, as well. Sure would be fine to have two college graduates in the family."

Landon wasn't so sure he wanted his younger sister to go into the army, but it wasn't his choice to make.

"That's great," he said with as much enthusiasm as he could muster.

"When are you coming home?"

"You know there's nothing there for me," Landon said. Sadness ran through him like a river that had frozen up.

Except for his family, his hometown was the last place he wanted to be.

"Okay, baby. I understand. Take your time and get well. We'll be here for you if you need us."

"I know, Mom. I love you."

"We all love you too, Landon. Focus on getting well. Take care of yourself and don't worry about us, we're doing fine."

"Love you too, Mom. Give my love to my sisters too."

He hung up, feeling a pang of familiar guilt. He should be helping his family. He couldn't even send money home to assuage that guilt.

"Damn," he said to Scout.

That was one of the reasons why he had so quickly wrapped himself in Middletown's history. It allowed him to avoid the present.

Landon and Scout went back to the cabin. He sat down at the table and started typing at the laptop, with a cup of coffee. He was so immersed in his work that it took him a while to realize his phone had been ringing. He checked the big clock above the backdoor. It was way past noon.

He checked the screen. It was Grace, of course. He decided to take the call.

"Hello, Grace. What can I do for you?"

"Hello, Landon. I'm just checking on you. I hope last night wasn't too much too soon. If so, I apologize. I didn't mean to bring out any bad memories. Please, don't be mad at me. I meant well," Grace said talking nonstop.

She made a pause to breathe and Landon took a chance to speak.

"Grace... Grace... breathe. It's okay. I'm okay. I'm fighting a battle of a different kind and you were there at my side fighting with me. I'm actually grateful."

"Really? Do you really mean it?" her voice was shaky and Landon could tell she was about to cry.

"I do. I think it was good for me to get that out."

Landon heard a sob on the other side of the line.

"Steve always says I talk too much and I was afraid I had pushed you to talk about something you weren't ready and then when you had that..." she was talking a mile a minute again.

"Grace I feel tremendous respect for you and the way you stayed and hung in there." He interrupted her again. "Thank you for last night, especially for looking after me so well... and the pizza was delicious."

"Would you like to get together again? I thought you might need some company, but then you said you liked to be alone, so I don't know if I should ask you or not," Grace kept talking without a pause. "Not today, of course..." She made a pause, "Unless you want company, in the case I would be glad to..."

"Grace, I was planning to write all day and then do a bit more research at the museum tomorrow. Do you think you could pick me up and drive me to the community center tomorrow morning?"

"Yes, of course. What time?"

"I don't sleep much so any time in the morning would be good."

"I'll be there around nine. Have a great day, Landon."

"You too, Grace. And thanks for checking on me."

When she hung up Landon couldn't help but smile. The smile came so naturally that it surprised him.

Conflicting emotions bombarded him. There had been some very good moments and some very bad ones on his social adventure.

The good had been the food, the conversation, and above all Grace.

The bad... Best not to think about that.

CHAPTER 16

Grace kept looking at her phone. She liked Landon. She admired his courage. Even worse, she was attracted to him and far more intensely than she'd been to any man in a very long time.

Last night, when she got home, Grace did something she never thought she would do, she went online and ran a search. She shouldn't have. It was none of her business and Landon was entitled to his privacy, but she couldn't help it.

Several articles came up when she searched his name. One article mentioned he and Derek were the survivors during a terrorist attack in Afghanistan. There were some paragraphs dedicated to Derek's injures. She realized how close Derek and Landon were to dying that day.

She skimmed through the rest of the articles, but most of them were a repetition or an update of the same news.

Grace continued her search and then found a small article on a news blog from Landon's hometown. "Darla Cayley and Landon Petersen had broken their engagement. Three weeks after Landon Petersen returned from Afghanistan as a decorated hero, Darla Cayley announced the end of their engagement. The announcement came as a surprise since both of them had been dating for five years. Ms. Cayley wrote a Tweet saying that they had grown into very different people."

Grace took a long, deep breath. This was probably one of the reasons why Landon left his hometown. Imagine coming back from hell, looking for the emotional support and assistance of your loved ones, just to find your fiancée is breaking up with you because of your condition.

It had taken a lot of courage for Landon to deal with the pain to move to a whole new town, having PTSD. It was a true test of his inner strength.

His flashback had been terrifying, but Grace admired how he had fought to get out of that dark place in his mind.

Then she had had that sudden urge to hold him, to try to erase some of the pain from those very wide dark eyes. She couldn't help but hug him.

She had no intention of sharing the new information about his fiancée with anyone else, not even Steve, Diana, or Derek, although the last probably knew. Grace had intruded into something extremely personal and painful, more painful than she could have imagined.

She wanted to help him heal somehow, but the truth was she didn't know how to achieve that. Wishing was not enough.

CHAPTER 17

Grace picked up Landon the next morning at nine. He was already waiting for her outside the cabin playing catch with Scout.

Grace drove in silence for a while. She was trying to order her ideas to be able to express her thoughts in the best possible way.

"How are you feeling this morning?" she asked.

"I'm okay, I guess. Thanks for offering to drive me to town."

"I'm happy to help in any way I can. Tomorrow is Friday," she said, trying to think of how to say what she wanted to say without saying too much.

"Yes, so?"

Grace took a deep breath and tried again, "I want to drive you to Seattle."

Landon didn't say anything for a while. How did she know he and Derek went to Seattle on Fridays?

When he finally spoke his voice was soft.

"Why?"

"Because I want to be part of your support network. I want to be there for you and help you, and to do that I need to know how."

"You are already helping me. You find the perfect place for me. You found me a job to keep me busy and pay the rent. You check on me. You even cooked a pizza for me."

"Yes, but I want to do more," Grace shook her head, "I want to do better. The other evening when you had that..."

"Flashback," said Landon.

"Right, when you had that flashback I didn't know what to do. I was playing by ear. I was afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing and making things worse."

"You did great. You did exactly what I needed," Landon turned his head to look at Grace.

"Well, the thing is if I'm going to be part of 'team Landon', I want to know more about your... condition and how to deal with it."

Grace looked at Landon out the corner of her eye and kept talking, "I want to know what helps and what doesn't."

Landon remained silent for a couple of minutes.

"You want to talk with my doctor."

"Well, it doesn't have to be your doctor. I want to talk with someone who can give me some pointers, some guidelines. Do's and don'ts"

Again, Landon took his time before saying anything.

"Team Landon, huh?" he surprised himself by smiling.

Grace smiled back at him. "Well, it's just a name I came up with. You have Derek, Bella, your doctor..."

Scout barked.

"Don't forget Scout," Landon turned around to scratch his dog's ears.

"Of course not! The thing is I want to be part of the group of people, and dog, you can count on," Grace said with determination.

Landon took his time before saying anything.

"You'll have to pick me up at eight tomorrow. Are you going to talk with Derek or do you want me to do it?"

"I will," Grace said with a huge smile on her face.

"Grace?" she turned her head to look at Landon.

"Thank you."

CHAPTER 18

Grace left Landon at the community center. The door was unlocked, and he walked through the entrance to meet Jonas. They did some small talk and Landon went inside the room dedicated to the museum again. He was so immersed in the work he was doing that he skipped lunch again.

When he came out it was almost dark. Jonas greeted Landon carrying a large pan of chicken wings.

"Are you going to leave without meeting the crew, Landon? Come and join us," a voice said behind his back.

Landon turned around to meet a group of men who were sitting around a round table.

"Landon, allow me to introduce you to our Thursday poker crew, John Harding, Judge Bill Anderson, who was kind enough to bring the beer tonight, and Mayor Simon Thompson," Jonas said, making the introductions. Landon shook their hands.

"He likes to be called, Mr. Mayor," Bill Anderson said with a laugh.

Snacks were already on the table, including several bottles of beer and great-looking dip and chips.

"Do you play poker, Landon?" asked the man who had been introduced as John Harding.

Landon nodded and sat around the table and he was given a bowl full of M&Ms candies.

"Playing poker for real money is illegal in our state, and we don't want Judge Anderson to put us in jail," John Harding explained. "So we play just for fun. Green candies are worth $25, the blue ones $50, the brown ones $100, the yellow $1000, and the red ones $5000."

Landon asked, "Any rules?"

"Nope. Dealer picks the game. Ante up a green candy," Simon said from his seat next to Landon. "Landon, as our newcomer, is the dealer."

"Mexican stud," he said.

"Ah...could we have a ringer here?" the judge asked to no one in particular.

Landon won the first game. The players saluted him with their beers and the dealer changed.

Landon won the second game too.

Very soon it was obvious that Landon could play a mean poker game.

"Beginner's luck Landon?" asked Bill Anderson after losing another hand against him.

"I used to play a lot in Afghanistan," Landon replied. It didn't hurt as much to say it now.