Peanutbutter Crumble (BJ Horseman)

BoJack and Mr. Peanutbutter make out. Homosexual/yaoi. A BoJack Horseman fanfiction.

****

The sound of beer cans crackled in his hand, as a tipsy horse tossed each empty decanter across the lounge. The couch was covered in cans, and there were even cans stuffed in between the cushions. The horse was wearing a sweaty vest, and the sweat patches were all dark yellow like urine.

"Hey, BoJack - quit chucking shit at the back of my head," argued his dog friend, "I came here to check on you. When did you get 18 beers? It stinks here."

"Princess Carolyn brought me all this beer. It's not the brand I wanted but it's good enough."

"Look, I know you're not happy with what happened last night--"

"What? When you kissed me and didn't pull back once? You were totally into it. Fuck you, man."

The golden labrador shrugged and held his hands up in defence. "I only kissed you because you kissed Diane. She's my wife, you know."

"You've told me like a million times now, Mr. Peanutbutter. You can't control what she does," the horse retorted while his hand clenched yet another beer can.

"You know," Mr. Peanutbutter clasped his hands together as he laughed, "I told Diane about what happened last night."

"You WHAT?"

"Well, duh! I can't keep that away from Diane. I tell her everything!"

"Oh my god," he groaned before he cracked open a new can of beer. His tired, judging eyes kept their gaze fixed on the dog. God, Peanutbutter was so cheerful in comparison to BoJack.

A chuckle rumbled in the dog's throat. Mr. Peanutbutter remained standing in the doorway, dressed in his usual v-neck collar polo shirt and jeans. There were a pair of sunglasses resting at the top of his head.

"You know, apparently people that express so much hate for something secretly love it."

BoJack rolled his eyes in contempt. "Fuck sake," he grunted in between slurps of his drink, "I wish I had a frisbee so I can get rid of you."

Mr. Peanut Butter scoffed. He closed the door behind himself as he then walked further into the lounge. The dog pulled out a bin bag from a cupboard in the kitchen and then approached BoJack.

"You know, you look very comfortable sitting in your filth but let me clean your shit up for you," offered the labrador.

One yellow hand lunged towards the couch and immediately started to pull out the empty cans from the cushions. Trash was everywhere. An annoying, repetitive, moderately pitched hum played in his throat during the time he cleared the settee. BoJack continued to watch Mr. Peanutbutter. It wasn't long until the horse crushed his current beer can and then chucked it at the dog. The golden labrador caught the scrunched up piece of trash in a heartbeat.

"Thanks for contributing, BoJack," stated Mr. Peanutbutter with the same smile on his face.

BoJack grumped, seconds before he cracked open a new beer can.

"Oh look, you only have two beers left. What a shame!" Mr. Peanutbutter remarked, sarcasm in his tone.

"Yep. I've drunk like sixteen cans and I'm not even drunk yet."

"You drank all those in one sitting?"

"Who are you - my therapist?"

"Sorry, there are people in this world who don't understand moderation. You're one of them," Mr. Peanutbutter lectured, snickering a little.

BoJack rolled his eyes as he took a slug of his drink. The horse didn't give two shits.

The black bin bag was already filled half-way with empty beer cans. The cans clinked together every time the labrador moved around the couch. BoJack's tired, unamused eyes stared at the wall in the distance, as he tried his hardest not to watch Mr. Peanutbutter any longer. The horse just lounged on the sofa, wallowing in his own misery. He was clad in nothing more than a sweat-covered vest and a pair of sweatpants. He looked like shit for something that's supposed to be a mustang.

"Pfft, Diane said she actually liked the idea of us kissing each other and it became something she's turned on by," he continued on.

BoJack's eyes widened in shock. He spat out some of his beer.

"Fuck. Really?"

"Yeah. I just wanted to let you know."

"Diane likes us kissing each other?"

"Yeah," Mr. Peanutbutter felt a little flustered now, "I remember her telling me that I should totally take a picture next time."

BoJack's eyes narrowed.

"You're making this shit up as you go along, aren't you?"

"No," answered the dog.

"Well, cool," BoJack shrugged, "I'm happy she's not mad at me."

The black bag was now full of beer cans and the lounge now looked tidy. Mr. Peanutbutter placed the bag down by the coffee table. BoJack flicked a glance in between the wall and the golden labrador. The expression on his face lightened a little. His hand clutched tightly on the beer decanter he was holding.

"We should totally take some pictures then," suggested the horse.

Mr. Peanutbutter scoffed and pulled out his mobile phone in a split second.

"That's right! We totally should! Diane would go wiiiiild," shrugged the dog. He obviously wasn't hinting that this entire time or anything.

BoJack smiled.

"I'm just messing around," boomed the labrador with a grin.

BoJack almost busted out laughing.

"Kidding! Now, let's just kiss the fuck out of each other!" boomed Mr. Peanutbutter.

Inching towards BoJack, the golden labrador pressed his snout against the horse's. He held out his mobile phone and took a quick picture of the whole thing. BoJack pulled back a little.

"We should put some tongue into it or something--"

"Oh yeah," agreed Mr. Peanutbutter.

Slipping his tongue into BoJack's mouth didn't take long for Mr. Peanutbutter, as he then melded his lips with the other's. The labrador placed his hand onto BoJack's shoulder, and BoJack held onto one of Peanutbutter's floppy ears.

The kiss lasted for a couple of seconds, but it was absolutely electrifying.

BoJack's lips were already starting to tingle, as he soon placed his hands onto Mr. Peanutbutter's waist.

"Damn, I kinda like the smell and taste of beer on a horse's mouth--" Mr. Peanutbutter snickered after he parted from the kiss.

This made BoJack smile, and this smile was genuine.

"Thanks for cleaning up my shit. I hope Diane likes the pictures."

"Oh yeah, the whole kissing thing has made our sex life so much better," the dog bragged.

Not to mention Diane was completely human getting off on the idea of a horse and a dog making out. Anthro, of course. (I loooove the whole furry and human co-existing world in the show).

"Right," grunted BoJack.

He retreated to his former self after hearing about Mr. Peanutbutter's sex life with Diane, especially since the human girl was his crush. Like, Diane understood him more than anyone in the whole world. Diane understood most people - everybody even - so it was mandatory for BoJack to feel his connection with her. But she was taken, of course, and her husband just so happened to be lip-to-lip dancing with BoJack right now.

"Kiss me again. I kinda liked it," stated the horse.

"Me too! I'm so glad I've experienced the exact same thing as Diane and that's getting to know what you taste like, BoJack Horseman, even if you do taste like cigarettes, booze, and crack."

The labrador chuckled and slipped his tongue back into BoJack's mouth. This made the horse's mouth tingle with the most amazing sensation. He clutched even tighter around Mr. Peanutbutter's waist. The beer decanter he was holding wound up falling onto the floor, and unfortunately it spilled under the sofa. Neither of them noticed yet, since they were lost in the moment. How wonderful.

"Is this what's called 'romantic'?" the horse asked, curiously.

"Kind of. But it could be considered 'unromantic' because the whole thing is just...not as romantic as it could be."

"Yeah, right. I guess that's because we're just making out for Diane's pleasure. Nothing serious or romantic about it. That's cool, I guess."