Pee Desperation Story: Payback

Ah, the holiday shopping season! It's not what it used to be. Most of us skip the usual level five insanity at the store or mall and just do our Christmas shopping online. It's easier, you can find the best price in seconds, and you don't have to worry about stomped on by some fat soccer mom (unless you're into that.) But while I shop online every year for Christmas, this year was different. I had just finished my online shopping and scored everything my friends & family were looking to unwrap this year when my mother started asking for a specific sweater she saw a supermodel wearing on Instagram.

I knew that was the gift for me to get. No matter how high or low I looked, however, I couldn't find it anywhere online. Amazon, Etsy, not even Macy's or Lord & Taylor had it in stock. Macy's said they wouldn't have it in stock until February - two months later. After almost two weeks of scouring the internet fort the sweater, I completely exhausted all my online resources. But I did have one ray of light: Lord & Taylor said they had a "limited supply" of the sweater in stock, not at their location in the mall closest to my house, but the location in the mall about a half-hour away.

Knowing my mother wanted that sweater more than anything else on her list, I made the bold decision to venture to the mall for it. And in a vow unto my own, I was not leaving the mall without the sweater. The day was November 29, Black Friday, and I was still feeling the food coma from the previous night's Thanksgiving dinner. My girlfriend said: "Stay in bed, you're in no shape to go out today," and my body was agreeing with her, but I already made a promise to myself and I'm a guy who always keeps his promises.

"I'm going out babe, I gotta get that sweater," I told my girl as she sat up in bed, "wouldn't you do the same for your mother?"

She knew she couldn't argue with that and wished me luck: "Just get back here in one piece," she said.

"I'll be back before you know it," I told her as I left. I started my Subaru SVX and made my way out of the garage, deadset on completing my little mission. The five-step plan I devised was simple: go into the mall, go into Lord & Taylor, ask for the sweater, pay for it, and get out of dodge before things got too insane; little did I know this plan would be anything like how I thought it would though. After a half-hour's drive, I pulled into the mall parking lot and took in the sight of a sea of cars in every parking spot. There could've been an open spot but I couldn't waste time looking for one; the last of those sweaters could've been bought & paid for by that time.

I drove past the gauntlet of family SUVs & minivans, and beat-up old Toyotas & Hondas and headed straight for the parking garage. While this mall wasn't my usual mall, I had been to it many times before and remembered there were always plenty of free spots on the top level of the parking garage. I pulled into the ground level of the garage and headed to the top; I felt like a street racing king in my SVX as I rounded the corners. Just as I thought, the top level was almost empty - only two Mercedes S classes were parked up there - so I took a spot close the stairs that led to the upper floor of the mall. Once inside, the gravity of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks... literally, a large guy bumped into me on his way out with his purchases; he frantically apologized and I said it was okay.

I made my way down the hall from the door, confident that I could get through my five-step plan without any issues. As soon as I turned the corner, however, let's just say that confidence took a beating. People were lined up in front of all the open stores, which were filled to thier capacity; lines had to be started to keep some kind of order. However, I saw the largest lines were in front of Apple, Microsoft, and Macy's, and the Lord & Taylor line was rather short. I got online and patiently waited for about 15 minutes. Once I got in the store, I made a B-line for the "Winter Wears" section, where I found two of the sweaters my mother wanted laying out on the shelf.

Those sweaters weren't mom's size though, which I had double and triple-checked to be 'small.' I asked one of the salesgirls if the store had any sweaters in small and she said she would have to check in the back room. I said that was okay, elaborating: "I got nothing else to do today," which she got a laugh out of as she walked to the back. As she walked out of my sight, however, a familiar feeling crept up on me. I felt a pressure in my lower stomach area and knew what that meant: I had to pee. It wasn't that bad though, and the mall had plenty of bathrooms, so I figured I could hold it; boy, how wrong I would be! After five tense minutes, the salesgirl returned with the sweater: "It's small!" she said in an elated voice.

I was over the moon as she handed the sweater to me and said: "You're one lucky guy, that's our last small one, and we're not getting anymore in until after Christmas." I thanked her and went to find the checkout station, which turned out to be on the other side of the store and had about 20 people lined up with their purchases. I got online without any hesitation and waited. As I did, though, the feeling of needing to pee slowly but surely grew; I knew I would have to stop at the bathroom before I left the mall by the time I was third in line to pay. Once it was my turn, I stepped up to the register, where the lady rang me up.

She asked me: "That'll be $38.95, are you a member of our email service?" I said I wasn't and she then asked if I'd like to sign up for the service. I politely said I did not but she kept pushing it, telling me: "Well, if you sign up, you'll be alerted of big sales and new arrivals..." or something to that effect as I pulled my credit card from my wallet.

I didn't have the time for this - my bladder was killing me - so I said "No thank you, maybe next time," to which she said "Okay, very well," and took my credit card to finish the transaction. As soon as I got my receipt & card back, and the sweater bagged, I bid my new friend behind the counter "Happy Holiday" - a favor she returned - and bolted for the exit... walking across the entire store. By the time I stepped out of Lord & Taylor with the sweater in hand, the sensation of having to pee had kicked into another high gear. I saw I was only two stores from the bathrooms, so I made my way down the upper floor.

The bathrooms looked completely clear but to my dismay, there was a sign on the bathroom entrance telling shoppers: "Out of order, use an alternate bathroom." The next closet bathroom was on the other side of the upper floor and knowing I probably wouldn't make that, I decided to leave and drive to a Starbucks behind the mall; Starbucks bathrooms are usually nice & clean after all. I made my way back to the exit stairs and climbed them, feeling like I was gonna wet my pants ever more so with every step I ascended. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I stepped back out onto the top level of the parking garage, where I made a B-line to my SVX.

I put the sweater in the trunk of the SVX, got into the driver's seat, started the flat-six engine, and drove back down the garage. On the third level, I stopped suddenly to allow a Tesla Model S to back out and leave. This is where my desperation gets all the worse. The driver of the Tesla was also leaving the mall, but he was chatting away on his phone the whole time and this, driving at a snail's pace, which he continued after we left the garage. This pissed me right off - pun somewhat intended - because I had to make the Starbucks so I wouldn't wet myself, and this guy was taking his sweet ass time.

By the time the Tesla and my SVX had reached the front entrance/exit to the mall, I was so desperate, I decided to go around the mall the opposite way I intended (where the tool driving the Tesla was going.) This was a longer way but at least I didn't have someone hogging the road in front of me. I raced around the mall like Mario Andretti, arriving at the Starbucks within minutes. The parking lot was crammed with cars - as the Starbucks shared its space with an Applebee's and a Best Buy - but I found a parking spot on the far end of the lot. I got out of the SVX, locked the doors, and made my way to the front door of Starbucks.

Halfway across the parking lot though, the desperation became almost too much to handle and I knew I wasn't gonna make it inside. I was looking for a tree or garbage dumpster to relieve myself behind when I took in a sight I could barely believe. To my left was the very Tesla that held me up minutes earlier. The driver was still inside, yapping away on the phone, but he soon got out and walked up the lot to the Best Buy. I hid behind the GMC Yukon parked next to him, just in case he would recognize me, which he didn't. I then happened to peer into the jerkoff's Tesla and saw his key sitting in the cupholder.

For those that don't know, every Tesla model - including the Model S - has a keyless entry system, meaning if the key is already inside the car, the door will open. Sure enough, the driver's door handle popped out when I waved my hand over it; it was then I decided to exact some revenge. As soon as the TesIa tool was inside, I opened the driver's door, untied the drawstring of my sweatpants, lowered them to get my dick clear and unleashed a steaming hot, dark yellow pee stream into the driver's compartment of the Model S. I soaked the floor and a little bit of the seat, peeing for well over a minute; possibly as long as 90 seconds.

I kept looking over to see if anyone was coming, but no one appeared - not even the tool Tesla driver - the whole time. As soon as I finished, I put my dick back in my pants, closed the door of the Tesla, and walked back to my SVX, relieved that I had drained myself in the knick of time. I started the SVX and left, deciding I'd go to a nearby diner for some breakfast. As I drove out of the rear entrance of the mall, I looked back at the Tesla one more time and thought: "Boy, that asshole is in for quite the shock! But he deserved it for almost making me destroy the upholstery of my SVX."

As I arrived at the diner, I wondered if I got caught in the act, but I then thought it was highly unlikely; the Starbucks, Applebee's, and Best Buy security cameras were very far away and no buildings were behind the lot. I went into the diner and sat down at the bar, where I ordered scrambled eggs with bacon, rye toast, and a coffee. I then called my girlfriend to tell her of the good news: I had gotten the sweater and was safely out of the mall. She congratulated me and said she would see me soon. I said the same and enjoyed my breakfast, quietly snickering at what I had done to that asshole Tesla driver. And if I did get found out, I would just take it in stride because this was not an isolated incident.

Every Tesla driver I've encountered before and since has been an arrogant, inconsiderate, self-absorbed, and overall rude bastard who felt they were above everyone else because of the car they drive. After breakfast, I paid my tab, left the diner, and drove home. During the drive, I was scrolling through my radio presets when I heard a news brief about someone "urinating in an unlocked Tesla in the parking lot of the Starbucks behind the mall" on one station. I listened to it and the DJ said no security camera picked up the suspect at all and he was going over the word of the driver, who's voice made his story seem highly suspect.

The DJ began another "hour of nonstop music" after the news brief and with that, I knew I practically got away with peeing in a Tesla as an act of payback. I got home and spent the rest of the day putting up Christmas decorations with my girlfriend. She asked me if anytime crazy happened to me, to which I said: "Not a thing," I kept my secret from her because I knew I didn't want to do anything like that again; it's just a dick move through and through. Still, if someone else hogs the road in front of me when I'm desperate to pee, then if I see their car where I end up, and they're out of sight, I'll repeat my act of revenge on their car (or in it if they're dumb enough to leave their doors unlocked.)