Perfection

I considered it for a moment—less than a second, I believe—before shaking my head. "I forgive you, sweetheart, but I'll never be able to forget and I don't think I could ever trust you again. Hall passes are for high school, not relationships. You knew that when you made the choice and then argued to keep doing it. Leigh, there's no going back."

***

For the first few years, I focused primarily on my kids and on my work. I didn't want a relationship with a woman to distract me from my responsibilities to Danny and Lizzie and they grew up to be sweet, loving, and good kids.

However, I eventually found an online dating app that gave me the chance to have a date when I wanted and sex from time to time, but there were no real relationships because my kids came first.

Missing the physical side, I took the issue in hand and soon had a couple of favorite late-night websites. I was careful to stay in shape and simulate things as closely as I could so I wouldn't get out of practice and have trouble performing when the opportunity finally presented itself again.

There were many gorgeous women online and I came to have a number of favorites that could dependably help me achieve a proper fantasy state to accomplish what I needed.

Before too long, there was one woman in particular that drew my eye; going by the name Alicia Astin, she was gorgeous but she was always a solo model, never being shown having sex with a man (or a woman either, for that matter). Miss Astin became my favorite and I eventually researched her. To my surprise, she was 27 compared to my 36 and had been modeling for about eight years so she looked younger in many of her photos.

While I liked them all, I preferred the more mature look of her "current" photos, so it was always a thrill when a new set of her photos were released, so much so that I joined her website paying the fee each month to allow me access to her website and galleries. Not wanting to risk the kids ever discovering any caches of photos inappropriate for their viewing, I used them for their intended purpose and then logged out and forgot about them and about her...until the need arose again. I never downloaded them and I always cleared the browsing history and the cache.

It was about two years later when I logged onto Alicia's website one evening and found it looked different. There was an announcement posted in the middle of the website's homepage.

My dear fans,

I really appreciate all of you and all of the messages, the support, and the love you've sent me over the nearly ten years that I've been modeling. As you know, I made a decision early in my career that I would share images of my body with you but would hold off on sharing intimate images taken with others; sex is, in my mind, special with the one with whom it is shared and for that reason I have declined countless requests to participate in hardcore modeling.

Over the past eighteen months, I've met and fallen in love with someone special, someone with whom I now have that special bond I've always hoped that I would find someday. We'll be marrying soon and plan to spend the rest of our lives together. My body will be his private preserve, as his will be mine. We look forward to life together and appreciate your well-wishes and any thoughts and prayers you might offer for us.

When I started out in glamor modeling, I insisted on hiring my photographers, owning the rights to all of my images, and hosting the images on my own website. It took a long time to build a following and make money at this as a result, but, due to your wonderful support, I became successful.

Because of this, all of my public galleries will be removed from this website over the next few days, as will sample galleries shared to collaborating websites. Auto-billing for monthly subscribers has ended effective the end of last month, but all paid subscribers will continue to have access to all of my private galleries for 45 days from this date. You may download them for your private use, as has always been allowed, but I ask that you not post these to other sites. After that period, all of my private galleries will be removed and only this homepage will remain through the end of the current lease period on the website name.

Some of my modeling photos will likely remain on other websites, perhaps forever, but know that, while I have no regrets and will always remember my career with a certain pride and even fondness, I have moved on with the man I love and will model no more for anyone other than him.

Again, thanks for your support and understanding. I wish you all health and happiness always.

Sincerely,

Alicia Astin

I was stunned and very disappointed, but I was happy for Alicia. In the two-plus years I'd been familiar with her work, I'd begun to care about her far more than I should considering she was, in truth, my fantasy sharing Alicia's face and body.

Alicia's retirement was actually the best thing that could have happened to me, forcing me to exit that cozy little fantasy I'd concocted in my mind and start dating again. It wasn't long before I had a new girlfriend, for a little while, and a number of others followed over the years.

***

Valentine's Day, present time

"Mr. Carter, may I ask you a question?"

I put down my fork and looked at her. "Lisa, you can ask, but that sounds like a loaded question so we'll have to see as to whether I answer."

She nodded. "Hogan and I have—ahem, had—been together for nearly a year. I know we weren't ready to get married next week or anything, but it seemed like we were getting pretty serious—far more so than I've ever been, anyway. We seemed like we were very compatible, too, and that we might have a future together. I loved him, Mr. Carter, and he's told me that he really loves me. How can someone just walk away like that?"

A sip of my wine gave me a moment to collect my thoughts. "Lisa, I may be the wrong person to ask that since my marriage didn't last when I thought all the same things you just said."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I loved Leigh, my ex, with all my heart and she seemed like she loved me the same way...until one day when she didn't. On second thought, maybe that makes me the right person since I have that perspective? Whatever the case, communication's probably the key. Maybe he really doesn't want to see you anymore, but you might want to talk to him to find out what's really going on. Considering how you felt and how you thought he felt about you, maybe there really is something more in play. Maybe he's changed his mind, maybe he's met someone else, or maybe he's scared and is just worried about becoming too committed. I don't know the answer to that but you never will either unless you talk to him."

"I was so hurt I never wanted to speak with him again earlier this evening, but I see your point, Mr. Carter. Thank you." She got up and gave me a quick hug before heading to the bathroom.

The tears were gone when she came back out minutes later and her makeup looked restored. "Sir, I think maybe I should go so I can call Hogan. Do you think maybe we can look at my trip photos some other time?"

"Sure thing, Lisa; we'll do it over lunch at work one day. You can show the whole office, if you'd like. Today's Valentine's Day and that's a lot more important than looking at some pictures, right?"

I made sure she was okay before walking her out to her car. There was another thank you and brief hug before she climbed in her little car and drove off. I hoped she'd be able to resolve her issues with Hogan, for good or bad, and find some way to get on the right track, whatever that was for them.

***

Hogan and Lisa were back together by the following Monday, with Lisa telling me that she promised to give him time and not to push too hard and Hogan agreeing to try to communicate more openly, particularly with respect to his concerns, to her. She thanked me and I wished her well before putting worry about their situation out of my mind.

What I couldn't forget was Alicia Astin shopping in my usual grocery store at 6:45 p.m. on Valentine's Day, and, worse still, how I'd made a complete ass of myself by embarrassing her. She and her husband were probably visiting town—relatives, friends, the local sights?—and I'd never have the opportunity to speak with her again. Or, more importantly, to be able to apologize.

Just in case our paths were to cross and she were to allow me to speak with her, I came up with a seemingly appropriate apology for my boorish behavior and then practiced and polished it until I felt like I knew what I wanted to say. Week after week, I looked for her in the supermarket and at stations where I purchased gas, in the stores where I occasionally shopped, at restaurants, and even at church, but she was nowhere to be found when I was around. Weeks turned to months and I eventually accepted that I'd never see her again.

"Hi, stranger," she said one evening at the grocery store, possibly on the same aisle where our paths had first crossed. It surprised me so badly that I almost dropped the jar of spaghetti sauce I'd just picked up.

"Ah, hi!" I gulped when I succeeded in keeping the glass from hitting the floor. "I'm, ah, so sorry, ma'am." I couldn't, for the life of me, remember another word of the little apology speech I'd practiced and attempted to perfect those months before.

"Sorry?" she asked. She wasn't wearing sunglasses this time, even though it was summertime and the sun hadn't set, so I could look into her beautiful eyes and see the mirth that practically danced in them, just like the sparkles in the big diamond and its smaller mates in the rings of her wedding set on her finger. "Why so?"

"Ah, for the embarrassment, ah, that I caused you when I...mistook you for someone else."

She was fighting a grin. "You're so sweet to offer that, but I think we both know that you didn't mistake anything. No, the real mistake was mine in freaking out when you surprised me with your powers of observation—no one had ever recognized me in that particular get-up before. And then to top it off, I was the one that ran away without getting your name so I could apologize."

"Ma'am, you did nothing for which to apologize, so please, call it good and forget about it. On my side, I shouldn't have ambushed you like that and embarrassed you, however unintentionally. I hope you'll forgive me too."

She smiled and nodded. "I still don't think it's needed but just in case, all is forgiven." There was a little pause before she added with a whisper, "Though I think I'd appreciate it if you'd keep our little secret just between the two of us."

"Deal. Say, I'm Dan Carter," I said, extending my hand toward her. "Daniel T. Carter, if you ever need to look me up."

Though her hand was so soft, touching it sent a virtual shockwave up my arm, the thrill of touching the woman of my dreams causing my heart to race, my head to swim, and other things to threaten to act inappropriately.

"Sorry," I said, releasing my grip rather abruptly when I realized that last part and that I was still holding her hand as we looked into each other's eyes. Not sure what else to say, I added, "Ahem, sorry," before I realized I was repeating myself like a drunken fool.

Elena giggled. "No more 'sorries'," she said rather firmly. "Oh, and it's very nice to meet you, Dan, Daniel T. Carter. My name is Elena Kempf."

"It's very nice to finally meet you, too, Elena. Do you and your family live around here?"

"Yes, we moved here...ah, three years ago. My big brother's only an hour away so it's nice to have family nearby. What about you?"

"My design firm is here and my ex was good about staying in the area after our divorce so I didn't have to sell or move it to be with our kids. They'll be starting 9th and 11th grades in a few weeks and I get to see them a lot and they get to see their grandparents a good bit, too. My parents are retired in Florida so we go down to see them a few times a year and spend a couple of days on the beach sometime in the summer."

Realizing I was nervous and rambling terribly, I stopped, but she was smiling at me, as if my ramble wasn't too bad...or maybe that she recognized just how bad it really was. "Recently, I would guess," she observed as she touched my arm and ran a thumb over my tan.

The shock ran through me again and it was hard to concentrate. "Ah, last week. My daughter, Lizzie, didn't want to come home."

"My Finley is like that. He's nearly eight now; he'd stay on the beach or one of the theme parks forever if I'd let him. And speaking of Finley, I need to pick up a few more items so I can go pick him up. It was nice to finally meet you, Daniel T. Carter. Maybe we'll do it again sometime."

The look in her eye. The tilt of her head. The curl of the corner of her mouth. Maybe I was reading it completely wrong but they all seemed to tell me she wanted that, possibly as much as I did. There was indeed a great attraction that I felt for her as we spoke but she was married and I didn't want to be inappropriate so I agreed and said goodbye without asking for her phone number.

I was proud of myself for doing the right thing, the gentlemanly thing, in not stooping into immoral territory, but that didn't last long. She'd barely left the aisle before I checked my social media app to find her profile, but was then disappointed to find nothing. There was nothing obvious on my professional app either.

A further check later that evening, this one on "Alicia Astin" on social media, resulted in locating an open post that included a lovely portrait of her face from her modeling days, with several male commenters lamenting on how she'd married and disappeared off the face of the earth to the chagrin of men everywhere. I nodded at one comment in particular.

Alicia was my idol, my idea of perfection, the woman I admired most in the world.

That was my thought in a nutshell. However, the comment continued. She was the woman I most wanted to +&#@ every night and I actually did any number of times. I was doing it again one night when I accidentally cried out Alicia's name while we were doing it. My wife slapped me to bring me out of my fantasy, told me to get the hell off her, and it took a whole lot of creative explaining to keep from ending up divorced after that.

The commenter took a lot of ribbing from other commenters at that, including some who questioned whether his wife wouldn't be upset if she saw the story in print. Maybe she was, for he never replied again.

I laughed but I could actually see myself in that first statement. Alicia, or rather Elena, was my ideal of perfection, too, and I didn't see how anyone else in the world would ever meet the standard she set.

After reading the rest of the comments, I smiled for a moment, knowing the rest of the story, before realizing that I was disappointed just like them. Yes, I knew her basic location on earth but with her being married, that didn't matter a bit.

***

With Elena married and out of reach and not wanting to be like the unfortunate guy who idolized her, I tried to put her out of my mind again like I'd done all those years before when she retired. I followed that original plan, meeting and going out with more women, and the resulting dates and sex generally had the right effect, helping me forget her...until the next morning, anyway.

The thoughts of her returned with a vengeance then, with me always comparing the evening I'd experienced with my all-too-vivid imagination of what might have been with Elena. It wasn't fair to my date, it wasn't nice to Elena (though she didn't even know about it), and it probably wasn't very healthy for me. I knew I needed to stop, but she was my idol too, I realized. Admiring her was just what I did. Right?

No, it wasn't right, so I tried everything possible to forget her, to put her out of my mind. I quit looking for her and even started going to a different grocery store to lessen my chances of ever running into her again. While that might not be possible to prevent, I went one step further. On New Year's Eve, my new resolution was to avoid idolizing Elena Kempf.

***

Three weeks into the new year, I didn't have a perfect record but I was doing better with my resolution than I'd done on some others over the years (the "I resolve to never make any more resolutions" being one in particular).

I'd just finished a conference call when Lisa Draper tapped on the door to my office. "Mr. Carter, you were on the phone so Darcy asked me to let you know that our 2 o'clock appointment has arrived."

"Thanks, Lisa. I'll meet you up that way in a moment."

Trent Nassar rose to meet me as Lisa and I walked into our lobby but it was the second person, the one in the corner, who caught my eye. Elena Kempf smiled at me for a moment but went back to reading her magazine.

"Dan! Good to see you, my friend!" Trent was big, burly, and loud. His bulk stood between Elena and me, and the chance at his project meant that I couldn't blow him off, particularly since he was introducing me to some of his associates. I shook hands with each and introduced Lisa, and we spoke for a few moments before I asked her to escort them to the conference room.

"Trent, everyone, I'll be with you in just a minute or two."

They followed Lisa and I turned to see Elena put the magazine down and rise from her chair.

"Hello, Elena, it's so nice to see you. What are you doing here?"

"Stopping in to see you, of course. I wasn't really sure if you'd want to see me, but I found you and your firm's address online and decided to take a chance even though you didn't bother to ask for my phone number."

"Elena, as much as I must admit I'm attracted to you, I don't see married women. I'm sorry."

She smiled. "I'm not. If you dated married women, I wouldn't want to see you."

"But, your ring?" I nodded to the wedding set on her ring finger.

"Ah, oops!" she said sheepishly. "I moved here after my divorce was finalized about 3-½ years ago. My rings are sort of like Clark Kent's glasses, they generally help me be ignored and keep me from being hit upon by nice guys. Anybody who sees it and hits on me anyway isn't worth considering."

"So, you're not married anymore? Seriously?"

"Yeah. Say, you need to get to your meeting. You think you might call me later?" She held up a card, just out of my reach.

When I agreed, she gave me the card and then reached in the pocket of her jacket to show that she'd picked up one of mine off the front counter. "Have a good meeting, Dan," she said and then headed out the door.

***

With my heart racing more than it should have been, I took notes periodically and was thankful that Lisa was taking a full set. With the image of Elena burned fresh in my mind, I was able to concentrate on Trent's desires for the project and make positive contributions, but it was a close thing. When we were done, we'd agreed to review all of the info they'd given us, get back with them with any questions, and put together a full-scope proposal for their work plus an a la carte menu for items they might want to delete from our scope and perform in-house on their own.

After we all shook hands and they left, I said, "Lisa, do you think you can take the lead on this? Do the write-up, price it, and then give them the presentation?"

I could see a bit of concern in her expression but she said, "Yes, sir, as long as you'll back me up on it. It'll be the biggest thing I've ever worked on but I'll be glad to."

"You know I'll back you up, check your numbers, and so forth. When we do our presentation for them, I'll open, hand it over to you for the bulk of the meeting, and then close before we field any questions together. Sound good?"