Pick a Name

"We shall see what we shall see. I'm looking forward to an interesting sex life with you, and I intend to make it interesting for you."

"I can't wait." I said sarcastically.

"Great, the sooner that you recover from this ordeal the better."

"What, so that you can subject me to a different kind of ordeal."

"Believe me, it will be no ordeal." She looked at her watch. "I think you've been down here long enough, let's get you back upstairs." She wheeled me back inside.

As she wheeled me down the corridor I could hear voices coming from my room. What was going on?

"GOTCHA!" A dozen or so voices yelled at me as I was wheeled into the room.

"What the hell is going on here?" I was confused and I don't think the drugs had anything to do with it. "What are all you guys doing here?"

"What is today's date?" Olivia asked.

"How the hell would I know."

"I'll give you a hint, yesterday was the thirty-first of March, now that would make today the . . . "

"The first of . . . Oh no, you fucking mob of bastards. I can't believe that I fell for an April's Fool prank. This must have taken a lot of planning, like how did you manage to get me into hospital in the first place?"

"That was the easy part, a boozy party that went on for a little too long, a good measure of vodka in your beer helped. Mate, you were out of it big time. You were dribbling like a Looney Tune when we got you here and, once here, the rest was easy. Think about it, half the people that were in on it work here." Olivia said.

"Do you?"

"No, but my cousin does."

"Which one of these reprobates is your cousin?"

"That'd be me." It was Julie, the nurse that changed my drip bottles.

"Were you responsible for all of this?"

"Not all of it. This has been a combined effort, but I admit that I was the one in charge of logistics. Part of this was so that Olivia could get to meet you. The silly girl has had the hots for you for literally years."

"Wait a minute, this was a set up so that she could get her talons into me. I would have thought she had more sense than that."

"Are you saying that I'm stupid, behaving like a lovesick fool?"

"If the cap fits."

"The cap doesn't fit. If you thought that I would wander blindly into a relationship without doing due diligence and checking you out in minute detail, you'd be so wrong. There is nothing in what I found that would deter me from pursuing a relationship with you." She delivered this speech with a force and determination that scared me, then she changed her tone. "So suck it, Babe, I want you and I am going to have you."

"Do I have any say in this?"

"Of course, as long as you agree with me."

"Getting back to how this was set up, wasn't the hospital concerned at the waste of resources?"

"No, there are whole wards and private rooms that have been shut down due to budgetary constraints. We got permission to use one of those along with the necessary equipment. There is one proviso, and that is we clean up the mess afterwards."

"What about the fact that I couldn't remember anything?"

Jeffrey, the bastard that I knew and had momentarily forgotten in the blur that was the past however many hours, and who was a Pharmacist in this hospital answered, "You'd be surprised what experimental drugs are available for this type of stunt. I think that we should take the bandages off now. You've suffered no injuries, except for maybe your pride."

"But you said that you were using auto feed morphine, is that a lie too?"

"A mild dose along with a mild sedative added to the IV bag."

"But I was out to it for days, wasn't I?"

"Nah, you'd be surprised how long a day feels when you're bored and there is no clock in sight?" Pete added.

"We waited until you drifted off to sleep, emptied your IV bag so that when you woke I could come in and plug you into a new one." They had finished removing the bandages and were busy with some acetone repairing my skin that had been superglued to give the feeling of stitched wounds.

"But the day and night, I saw the light through the blinds during the day and the dark at night."

"Lights being switched on and off will do it when there is no other point of reference." Pete said, "We did have to rope in a few friends to play the important roles, we couldn't have you recognising us now, could we? We had to swap shifts around so that the work of the hospital carried on, that was a part of the deal with the authorities. We were thankful that they had a sense of humour and wanted to see you shafted as much as we did. Of course, if there was a major emergency like a major outbreak of some virus or other, we would have had to abandon this plan and resort to plan be."

"Which would have been? No, don't tell me, I don't want to know."

"Luckily no such emergency has reared its ugly head."

"But why? And don't give me that bullshit about this romantic set up."

"That was the major part of it. Let's face it, while we'd become sick of all the stunts that you have pulled on us over the years, we were sicker of Olivia hounding us to arrange a meeting, so we decided to give you a taste of your own medicine. It was hard work but fun."

This seemed to be the motivation for a round of memory recalling.

"I seem to recall getting a message on my phone," Brian said, "giving me a number to call and to ask for Mister Seymour Lyons only to find the number was the Zoo's."

"Do you remember when I was giving you a hand with some plumbing work for your grandfather and you asked me to cut you a piece of pipe?" Brendan recalled, "When I'd cut it you asked me if I cut it from the long end or the short end of the length. You hinted that this was an important consideration. I thought about it for hours before I realised that this was you being you."

"Or when I asked you to give me some moral support the first time I called on my girlfriend's parents?" This was Steve, "How was I to know that while I was inside chatting to them you'd slipped some bicycle inner-tube over my car's exhaust so that, with her family standing and waving me good-bye, it farted when I started the car. How to embarrass a guy in front of his future in-laws."

"It didn't seem to have done any harm. How many kids do you two have now?"

The bastards dredged up literally dozens of the stunts, they could remember that I'd subjected them to over the years, to justify why they had done this to me. I'll give them this, on a scale of one to ten, it deserved an eleven. When the discussion sputtered to a halt Olivia let out a shrill whistle. "Hold it, aren't you forgetting the reason that we've gone through all of this, and let me tell you, it wasn't so that you can get your own back on my man here."

"We had to have you believe that, you wouldn't have gone along with it if you'd known the real reason."

"You've got that right."

"The thought of subjecting your friend, I assume that he's still your friend, was to ensure your compliance. You have to admit that you enjoyed it too."

I decided that it was time that I put my two cents worth in. "You can argue the merits of this stunt later, I want to get out of here and if I never see the inside of a hospital again I'll be happy. I just want to get on with my life as I know it."

"So, what about me, are you telling me that you're not interested?"

"Did I say that? Truth be told, I was even beginning to look forward to talking with you, I even thought that you were kinda cute, for a cop. That, of course, was before this plot was revealed, I'm going to need some convincing."

"Climb back into bed mate, you and I are going to christen it before we leave. The rest of you can piss off, the joke's finished, it's time for my dreams to come true, I've been waiting forever for this moment."

"But down there in the courtyard, I thought that was you having your dreams come true."

"That was just a foretaste of what is to come."

"Can you two hold off until we clear out all of this stuff?" They were busy gathering all of the hospital equipment and stacking it on a trolley. "We'll leave you to chuck the sheets into the laundry chute when you've finished."

"Piss off and leave us alone." Olivia told them.

We were alone in an empty room in an empty wing of the hospital and we made the most of it. An hour later we dumped the soiled sheets and walked to the car park and Olivia's car.

"I'll have to think about going to work tomorrow." I told her as she drove into my driveway.

"I had a key cut." She said, explaining how it was that she could open the door.

"You were very sure of yourself, weren't you?"

"You betcha."

"What would you do if I told you to go and leave me alone?"

"I'd belt you over the head and then kiss you better. Let's cut out the violence bit and get down to the nitty-gritty of cementing our relationship." I was a little concerned that she knew where the bedroom was until I realised that, apart from the wide opening between the living room and the kitchen, there was only one doorway from the room, into a hallway that led to my bedroom.

I'll have to admit that, after the standard lovemaking which, don't get me wrong, was very satisfying, we began to get more creative to the point that I had almost forgotten about going to work. Almost, but not quite.

"Hi, it's Simon," I told Marie, my boss's secretary, "I'm sorry I missed work today . . ."

"We weren't expecting you, your fiancé rang to say that the two of you were going out to see her parents so that she could introduce, what was the phrase that she used, oh yes, the man of her dreams to them. It's funny Simon, you're something of a dark horse, not having mentioned that you were engaged to Olivia, who sounds like an amazing girl by the way. When are we going to meet her?"

"I'll let you know. I'll tell you tomorrow, my fiancé and I see you then."

Olivia looked a little sheepish when I mentioned 'fiance'. "It was only a little lie."

"Do you have to be at work tomorrow?" I asked her.

"I have a week off, 'family reasons' I told them."

"Well then, I guess that you should come with me to work in the morning so that I can introduce you to my colleagues."

"So that you can show me off don't you mean?"

"Well, there is that. I think that we should go out and get you a ring. It will look funny if I introduce you as my fiancé and you're not wearing a ring. I know how you girls like to flash the rock around."

It was surprisingly easy to choose a ring. I don't know why I expected a problem, because we both pointed to the same ring in the Jeweller's tray at the same time. In something less than half-an-hour later we arrived, Olivia with her newly decorated finger, back home for a continuation of our lovemaking before dinner. This was a simple meal at home, we have planned a more formal, celebratory meal with both sets of (surprised) parents at a fancy restaurant.

Talk about timing. We arrived in the car park at the same time as Marie. There was to be no escaping the scrutiny. "So this is Olivia." She hugged Olivia. "You kept that a secret didn't you. Although, I don't know why. If I'd been in your position I would have been shouting it from the rooftops."

"I'm to blame for that," Olivia said, "I wanted us to be sure of ourselves before we went public with the news."

"All right, show me the ring." Olivia held out her hand, "Nice, that must have cost you all of two dollars."

I was just about to jump down her throat when both she and Olivia burst out laughing. Suddenly I felt superfluous.

Production was non-existent for at least an hour while Olivia was being introduced to the rest of the staff. Lionel, the boss, was suitably impressed and said so. Brian, the work clown, who could be relied upon the say something inappropriate, when he found out that Olivia was a policewoman, was true to form. "Did you have to handcuff him to catch him?"

"No, but I do have a pair of fur-lined cuffs on each corner of the bed."

He looked suitably red-faced and found something better to do.

Dinner on Saturday night was, to start with, a quiet affair. "Olivia, this is my Mother Dawn and Father Gavin."

"I'm pleased to meet you." She said,

"How long have you known Simon?" Mum asked.

"At least three years."

"That's funny, he has never mentioned you until the other day."

"Oh, that's because he wasn't aware of my existence until recently." I'm glad she didn't tell them how recently we had met.

Olivia's parents arrived just as the Waiter arrived to hand out menus. "Simon, I'd like you to meet Mum and Dad."

"I'm Roger and this is Ruth." Her father said by way of clarification. "What do you do for a job?" Wow, he was certainly cutting to the chase.

"I work for a company that supplies IT equipment to schools and government departments."

"So you didn't meet Olivia on a professional basis?"

"No, I'm not in any trouble that would see us crossing paths professionally."

Introductions dispensed with we settled down to, at first, a polite conversation that, as the evening progressed and wine was consumed, took on a much more relaxed atmosphere.

We parted at eleven-thirty promising to keep in close contact.

"I like your parents." Our thoughts and voices were in harmony.

In our darkened bedroom, a small voice emerged from Olivia. "Darling, now that we're engaged, when are we going to get married?"

"Soon, is there a rush?"

"Not yet, I was thinking, I know that we couldn't be more perfect for each other but, do you know what would make me even happier?"

"I hate to think, and you can forget about the non-existent fur-lined cuffs."

"How do you know that they're non-existent? No, what I'm thinking is, we should think about a family."

"You're not, are you?"

"Not yet, you do the math, that would be impossible. But think about it, we are not teenagers any more, and if we leave it too long we'll be ancient before we get around to it."

"So what are you suggesting?"

"I want to stop taking the pill. I've only got a week to go on the current pack, so, I was thinking that this would be a good time to stop. This way I don't have to get a new prescription. What do you think?" She was reinforcing her argument by massaging my balls. I won't claim that she was squeezing them, but the implied threat was there.

"Sounds good to me, now would you let him go so that I can put him to good use."

In that time between half asleep and awake I was deep in thought. For me, this was the time when my most inspirational thoughts began their gestation. It was my chuckle that woke Olivia. "What's so funny?"

"I was just thinking."

"Uh oh. What is it this time?"

"I was thinking that we can't let that mob of bastards get away with what they did to me."

"You're forgetting that I was one of that mob of bastards."

"But you had a legitimate motive, to you it wasn't a case of revenge. Anyhow, if you weren't in on it we might never have met and fallen in love."

"But, if you, we, go down this path there will be no end to it. I can see it, in ten years you and them will still be in a cycle of revenging revenge for previous acts of revenge."

"But that will be the cycle that makes life interesting."

"Do you think that this behaviour is something that you want to subject the next generation to?"

"Can't I dream?"

"Yes my love, you can dream, but think about it before you turn that dream into reality. There are other things more exciting to dream about." She re-enforced this by hand-cranking my old fella into action.

I have to concede that the reality of this dream is much more exciting than revenge on the bastards. I shelved the dream for future consideration in the nebulous future.

"You can forget all about that."

How the hell did she know what I was thinking?