Playa Dust in the Bedouin

I stepped back another step, and took slow deep breaths to hold back the demons. "Nurse Gillian. Been a while, hasn't it."

Her expression fell, but then she gave a slow understanding nod, biting her bottom lip she offered. "I can find another place to sleep for the week, if you like, John. Trust me, I do understand."

Olivia stepped forward at that.

"What is this? Of course, you're not going to be sleeping anywhere else, Kat! John?" My sister looked at me, seeing the hard look on my face, her brows furled. "I take it the two of you know each other, somehow?"

I gave a slow nod, then looked at the salt-and-pepper-haired woman who was watching me a bit apprehensively. "You're more than welcome to camp with us, Nurse Gillian."

"I will. But ... please, can you at least call me Katherine."

Turning, I handed the empty glass to Robert the Pirate, waved off the offer of a refill, then looked back at first Olivia, and then at ... Katherine. "I'll do my best to remember that. My sister can show you where the tent is. If the two of you will excuse me, I need to go for a walk."

I managed about ten steps before my sister caught up to me.

"Wait!"

Glancing down, my jaw locked tight on the building anxiety boiling within me. My sister took one look at my face, blanched a bit, then took the string of battery-powered LED lights from around her neck and draped them over my shoulder.

She patted them into place, then looked down at my feet."You can't be walking around after dark without lights. You will get run over by the art cars, or by bicycles."

"Thanks."

It would not be too much of a lie to say that I fled into the darkness hoping it would carry me away from everything.

** ** ** ** ** ** **

Just how far I walked I'm not sure - no, to be exact I'm entirely too sure since I know I counted every step I took in some small part of my brain - but I rejected that knowledge. I wanted to get lost.

But even that was denied me.

Before me, running off in each direction as far as the eye could see in the deepening dusk was an orange plastic fence. It was made of the type of netting they use on construction sites. There were strands of rope hanging from it and - looking to my right - I could see the square of a white sign.

Walking over to it, I read "The MOOP stops here."

With little grace, I sat down in the dust. "That must be what I am then," I said to the fence. "MOOP. Little more than wind-blown trash."

Staring back over my shoulder, I watched the thousands of lights that now made up Black Rock City as they appeared. Even this far out the thump of techno base could be heard like a distant thunder on the horizon. As if this improvised town was a storm brewing. Looking over, I could see the road into the city as a long line of headlights.

Wanting to ignore all of humanity, I laid back on the hard-packed dust and looked up at the sky. A million times a million stars hung there. And more appeared ever second as it got darker. The Milky Way was soon a blazing river of light crossing the sky. I half imagined that it must be looking down upon us poor creatures as we looked up at it.

The sound of a motor growing closer interrupted my tangled thoughts. Looking to the side, I saw a quad runner coming towards me. With a sigh, I sat up.

The man on the four-wheeler pulled up not far from me, and shut off the engine. "Lost?"

Blinking at the light ghosts floating before me from his headlight, I shook my head. "Only willingly."

Stepping off, he walked over and squatted down next to me. I saw the word Ranger on a vest he wore.

"I saw your lights here by the fence, so I came over to check. We get a few wandering souls every year that can't find their way home. And even more that are trying to sneak in." He looked looked over my pass, the back at the many lights and the music both blaring out into the darkness. "If you are sure you are okay, I'll leave you to it. But, I do need you to promise me you won't cross the fence."

Sitting up, I took off my hat and slicked back my hair. "Wasn't planning on it. Just needed some time alone."

He gave a nod, pulled his vest closer around him, and stood back up. "I can certainly understand that. It's been one hell of an opening day, so far. Try not to fall asleep out here though. The sand flees will eat you alive."

I watched him ride away down the fence line, then laid back on the playa.

"Sand fleas, huh? Been there and done that." Looking up at the stars, I grinned remembering a prank I once pulled on an Army buddy of mine with a camel spider.

But suddenly even that funny memory of those big bastards made me get to my feet.

The chill of the desert night was descending quickly, so I walked along the fence to keep warm. My mind in distant places, different times, lost spaces claimed by shadows and depression long ago. Sometimes it almost seemed like old friends long gone now walked there beside me in the night. They felt so alive to me at that moment. I could picture each and every one of them ... not as I saw them last ... but in the many months before those last and terrible moments.

Hunger, the growing cold, and a bone-deep weariness finally turned my feet towards the many lights of Black Rock City.

The place was really jumping now. Walking through the happy crowds, I passed among them like a dusty ghost out of the darkness. A few called out to me, but their words were like the murmurings of distant waters; turbulent rivers of emotion flowing across time-smoothed rocks. They couldn't reach me in my current state of mind.

When I finally reached my camp, I was both delighted and saddened to find the tent empty of our fellows. Stepping inside the dark Bedouin, I went to the tank that fed the hanging propane lanterns, turned the valve, and lit two of them. Their golden-white glow illuminated the inside to a dim impersonation of daylight. I could see where others had been here before me, dropping off gear and supplies.

Nurse Gillian, no doubt.

I paused.

Katherine. Her name is Katherine. Stop being an ass, John.

It was a long time ago, and she was just doing her job. It hadn't been personal for her ... no matter how personal it had been for you.

Moving over to the kitchen area, I absently fixed myself a sandwich, grabbed an apple juice, and mostly flopped into my chair by the curtain to where I slept.

"And let there be light."

Looking up, I had to smile seeing Tim dressed in a pink and white catsuit with a pink top hat perched atop his head.

He grinned at me. "I had to come back for my coat. I've been freezing my butt off for the last hour; no matter how much I'm dancing."

As he walked past me into his sectioned-off part of the tent I saw that the cat suit was ass-less. Shaking my head, silently chuckling, I had to hide my amusement when he emerged in a full-length zebra-patterned trench coat and rhinestone goggles

Tim struck a pose, then threw open the coat flashing me the catsuit. "Dramatic enough?"

"Absolutely," I said, leaning back in my chair.

"Well, that's a relief. I'm off to conquer hearts and seduce me some male buh-ta-hay." He tilted down his sparkly goggles and flashed me a smile. "Unless I could find something closer to home ... Mr. Man-cake?"

I shook my head. "Sorry, Timbo, but I still only swing to hetero."

He shook his head sadly and closed his trench coat around himself. "Story of my life, I swear. All the good ones are either straight, married, or morally confused." He looked at my food selection. "There is a place about three streets over that is serving the very best Shawarma - on I swear genuine handmade pita bread. They lured Jim in and put him to work cooking. Go and get you some! It is delicious, I'm here to tell you." He blew me a kiss. "I'm off; don't wait up."

Watching him go, I looked back down at the half-eaten sandwich in my hand. The idea of getting up and going to go get a more robust meal seemed like it would be a good idea but, at the same time, the idea of interaction anymore with anyone at the moment was just too much to contemplate. That little conversation with Tim all but wore me out.

Finishing the last few bites of my sandwich, I got to my feet, stepped through into my curtained-off area, and began to strip off my dusty clothes. I had an empty duffle bag by my bed and I stuffed them all into it. Taking out a pack of wet wipes, I began to do a simple cleaning only to realize how absolutely filthy with dust I was. It was everywhere!

By the time I was at least clean enough to be willing to get into bed, I had used up any remaining energy that I possessed. Throwing back my covers, I laid myself down on the clean sheets and then bundled up as the chill of the night tried to get a hold of my naked self.

Shuffling my pillows, I was asleep before my eyes had even fully closed.

** ** ** ** ** ** **

A kick to the side of my mattress woke me in a rush. Startled, I reached for a weapon I didn't have, and that lack shot a flood of adrenaline through me. Luckily my sister spoke before I was hurtling up off the mattress to grab the shadow hovering over me in the darkness.

"Hey, you. Wake up!"

Olivia kicked the bed again.

"I'm awake already, what do you want?"

Her foot toed my side. "Move over. I want to sit down."

With a sigh for my lost sleep, I humored her and did as requested. Glancing at my watch, I saw that it was about four in the morning; something that did not endear my sister to me at all just then.

Olivia dropped onto the mattress in a plop. Draped around her were the LED strands of lights I had seen her wearing earlier, but the batteries must be about dead. They gave off almost no light. Her face was lost in shadow.

She poked me. "What is with you? Huh? What is with you?"

Great ... she was drunk.

"Answer me!" Another poke.

I batted her hand aside. "What?"

"What is with you and Kat?" Olivia picked up one of my pillows and whacked me with it. "She is a damn nice person, who does a lot of great work, with a lot of really nice people, who are really bad off, and I want to know just what your problem with her is?"

Sitting up, I leaned over to where I had a small battery nightlight and turned it on. From by my bag I picked up the bottled soda I had been sipping on earlier. It wasn't cold, but it was wet at least.

"Well?"

Swishing soda around my mouth to clear out the dust, I took a deep breath through my nose. "It's nothing. Unimportant."

"Oh, hell no. Nope, nope, nope. You caused a hell of a scene at Robert's bar over ... nothing? I'm not buying that for even a second." She tried to hit me with the pillow again, but I took it away from her. "Fess up, or I will beat you silly." My sister snatched at another pillow.

I yanked that one away as well, all but pulling her over in the process.

Olivia started hunting for something else for her to hit me with.

I sighed and gave in a little. "She was a nurse. At a doctor's office. Treating me at a bad time in my life."

"When?"

I placed the pillow back where it belonged. "Not your business."

"I'm your sister!"

Sitting up, I tucked the second pillow I was holding behind me, leaning against my footlocker trunk. "Still not your business."

"I want to know!"

"Get used to disappointment." I took another sip of the warm soda still trying to get the gritty dust feeling off my teeth.

Olivia was about to say something else -probably at an incredible level of volume - when a male voice came through the partition curtain. "Children! Adults, with pre-hangovers, are trying to sleep. Argue outside if you must, please."

I looked at Olivia and mouthed "Tim?"

She shook her head. "Jim."

We both said, in a loud whisper. "Sorry."

Olivia turned and lay down on the mattress. After a moment I laid down next to her, our faces just inches from each other in the darkness. When she breathed out her breath carried the smell of wine. And ...Shawarma?

"Why won't you talk to me? Why won't you tell me things?" My sister gave my chest a poke. "We're family, damn it. Family tells family what is happening. They don't keep secrets."

I scoffed. "Every family keeps secrets! Admittedly, most of them only come out at Thanksgiving when people have had too much to drink... ."

"John, you are a complete dick." With a huff, she flipped over on the mattress and then looked back at me. "A whole bag of dicks."

Laying there for a few moments - breathing in the smell of her hair - I asked myself the same question a dozen times. Each time the answer was the same question back at me ... "Why not tell her, John? Why not?"

Taking a deep breath, more a sigh really, I lifted my hand and laid it upon Olivia's hip.

"Six months after I got back from Afghanistan I ... I... ah, was kind of in a bad way. I was out of the military. That had been my life for years and I suddenly felt ... adrift." I paused for a moment then decided to let her know this as well. "Mom and Dad covered for me but ... I had some trouble .. with the Law, with alcohol, with drugs. Nothing serious. A couple of DUI. A few fights. Stupid shit."

Olivia turned over to face me. "Why didn't they tell me?"

I shrugged, then remembered she couldn't see that in the near darkness. The small nightlight was hardly bright enough to let me even see her nose, after all. "Ashamed of me, I guess. I'm sure with Dad it was mostly that." I chuckled. "Mom ... well, she probably was just afraid of what the neighbors would think."

"That sounds like her." Olivia nodded. "Oh, I'm going to give her an earful as soon as I get somewhere with cellphone service. So, you met Kat ... in rehab? You were in rehab?"

I took a deep breath, half choking on second-hand Shawarma spices. "Yeah. Rehab and then I saw her again at ... PTSD therapy."

"You also went to therapy?" She gave me a much harder poke. "Oh, I am so mad at all of you now. You have all kept me in the dark for years."

There wasn't much I could say in the face of that. It was the truth. Telling her that it simply hadn't been something that had anything to do with her was not going to sit well with her.

"At the time, I wasn't in any kind of mental shape to override Mom and Dad when they told me they didn't want to tell you. At the time I was flipping between being pissed or being depressed. It took me a long time, even after I got out of rehab before I could pick back up a beer and not be afraid I would drink the rest of the case." I absently lifted and played with a loose strand of her hair. "I still worry about that. So ... seeing Nurse Gil ... Kathrine when I was not expecting it. With me holding a beer. It kind of caught me off guard. Took me back to a bad time."

"And the fireworks earlier already had you on edge, right?"

I gave a soft chuckle. "That's putting it mildly, but yeah."

My sister was quiet for a moment. "And ...?"

I waited a moment. "And what?"

Now it was Tim's voice that called out into the darkness. "John, you darling man, would you please say you're sorry to your sister so that we can all get some sleep, already?"

My sister and I both had to giggle at that.

After a moment, I leaned my head forward till my forehead touched Olivia's. "I'm sorry. I really am.

I felt her smile, then she moved her head and kissed the tip of my nose. Then she spun herself over and snuggled back against me. "I'm sleeping here tonight. Your bed is warmer than mine."

Taking my blanket from behind me, I tossed it over her and me and fished one of the pillows I had been laying against around and gave it to her. Olivia tucked it under her head and then tried to snuggle closer into me. I got a sudden nose and mouthful of her hair and my chin was bumped hard by her skull.

"Oww!" She reached back and rubbed the back of her head. "Watch where you're putting that hard thing."

For all of two seconds the tent was quiet, and then ...

"What in the hell are you two doing over there?" Tim's high soprano cut through the distant thump of techno music. "Dear lord! Y'all can not be doing the naughty! I know this is a place to be free and explore, but you two are brother and sister for God's sake! That is not just right. At all."

"He hit me in the back of the head, Tim!"

Again there was a moment of silence.

There was a hint of awe in Tim's voice. "Well, I didn't hear you coughing over there, Miss 'O' so I guess... just how did you manage that? I always gag when one hits the back of my tongue."

"TIM!" Olivia sat up and screamed across the tent while I shook with laughter. "With his chin! He hit me with his chin."

I could hear Jim and Gloria now both laughing. I had to wonder where Katherine was or - if she was here - if she was just being quiet.

"Well, now that is just some kinky level shit beyond what even I'm comfortable with." Tim made a strange sound, like a snort giggle. "I was willing to give the two of you a pass on some incest, but weird chin sex? That's just a no! Now I've been known to use my chin a few times in some strange ways, but still--"

"Tim! We are not having sex!" Olivia's voice was probably was heard at The Man.

From one of the neighboring tents came a woman's voice. "We are!"

The entire Bedouin tent burst into laughter at that.

Slowly the tent went quiet around us. Olivia eased back down beside me, then gave a shiver. I shifted the blanket a bit and then pulled my sister in closer to my sheet-covered chest; spooning against the back of her for warmth. When my hand came to rest on her hip, she took my hand and pulled it around to her belly. The warmth of my sister's skin was as intoxicating as wine.

I absently kissed the back of her head. "Love you," I mumbled.

After a moment I heard her soft reply. "I love you, too."

** ** ** ** ** ** **

(Day 2)

All the years of habitually forced early awakening aside, I'm not at all what could be called a morning person. If given my choice I will happily sleep in till ... oh, 6:30 ... before my eyes snap open and I vault from the bed as if it was about to electrify.

Given how late it was when I finally got back to sleep that I managed to sleep till 6:45 shouldn't be too much of a surprise. To awaken to a face full of soft hair under my nose and the warm warmth of a female body curled up against me was novel in its own right.

But, to be honest, I'm not truly "awake" till I've had my coffee.

Pulling the woman in my arms closer I buried my face in her hair, then let my hand roam across her belly. She purred awake, turned over, hugged me tight, and then turned her face up to mine. I leaned in and kissed her automatically. Her lips met mine softly, then with a flush of passion began a far more aggressive kiss. If reality hadn't intruded I'm fairly sure I would have reached a point where I would have happily found a use for the morning wood I was sporting.

Reality begin ... the fact Olivia and I both became fully conscious of just who we were kissing at about the same time.

Pulling away from each other, we both stared at the other in shock for a moment, then I got the giggles. Trying to suppress those, I mouthed "Sorry."

Olivia mouthed "You kissed me!"

I made a back-and-forth motion between the two of us to show that I felt it was mutual.

She shook her head and pointed firmly at me. Then at her mouth.

With a shrug of apology, I grinned and leaned in suddenly to try and steal another kiss. Her eyes went wide and she backpedal off the bed and tumbled ass-over-teakettle onto the carpeted floor. My giggles got the best of me at that point.

My sister righted herself, got up in a huff, stuffed her feet in her shoes, and stormed out.

I heard a round of soft "good mornings" outside, so I guess we weren't the first early risers today. Sitting up, I scratched at my scalp. I paused looking at the small playa dust cloud that drifted away from my head. With a sigh for the distant memory that cleanliness was, I pushed myself to my feet and moved over to my footlocker trunk to look for something that would be cool to wear. I could already feel the heat of the Sun on the tent when I stood up.