Providence Ch. 07

FEBRUARY 2023

Arthur looked up when Mari walked into the Sunday school class. It'd been two weeks since the accident, and no one had heard from her in those two weeks. They'd called, texted, and visited, but she never answered the phone and the door.

Walking in with her head low, Arthur saw the pain and grief that threatened to overwhelm the woman. Her face looked gaunt and her eyes had dimmed to a point where they appeared to look lifeless.

He nodded at her in acknowledgement, then resumed teaching the class.

As the service started, he looked over to the Foster's usual spot in the back row. One lone figure sat in the pew, reading the bulletin.

She's been reading that bulletin ten times over, he thought.

He figured she didn't want anyone coming up to her to offer more condolences, but that attempt was useless as a small crowd started forming around her.

----------

NOVEMBER 2022

The year before, Kenzo and Mari hosted Thanksgiving dinner at their house. The whole family came and they invited Isaac to come as well. Mari had fretted about what to wear, thinking about Isaac and what he would appreciate.

Guiltily, she admitted to herself that she was in the throes of a full-on crush.

Who even has crushes anymore? Certainly not me. I'm 32 years old, married for nearly a decade, with two beautiful kids. Why? She complained inwardly.

She'd been nervous cleaning the past two days, hoping it would be beautiful enough for him. Kenzo had yelled for her to come out of the bathroom, and she put down her lip gloss.

As good as it's gonna get, old girl, she thought.

Guests had started arriving and she fastened her apron around her, turning into full hostess mode. Isaac arrived later, bringing with him... something... Mari couldn't remember. What she did remember, however, was how excited she was when he arrived. Dinner was served, eventually, and everyone settled into their own conversations.

She got up and started to put away the dishes in the dishwasher when Isaac came up behind her to help. She shooed him away, but he stayed put, rinsing the dishes in the sink. Then she placed her hands on his shoulders and gently steered him away.

She remembered that gesture as platonic, but afterwards she worried she may have crossed a line.

Isaac thought back to that same day. He remembered feeling lonely in a room full of people he barely knew. The only grace of the dinner was that Kenzo and Mari sat next to and in front of him so he could have a conversation with them.

He'd wanted to make himself useful after dinner so he started cleaning the dishes, but Mari had all but ordered him to "Put those down! Go sit and relax!"

He resisted, and so enjoyed the banter between him and Mari, but felt himself stiffen when she steered him away by the shoulders. He hadn't anticipated that, but he hadn't minded.

It had been a while since someone besides his kids touched him, barring friendly handshakes and side hugs by his buddies. It felt... nice. Warm. Gentle. Loving.

He remembered that, and he missed it.

------

JANUARY 2023

Mari walked up the stairs and opened the door.

I'm gonna have to get used to this, she thought, the silence the only greeting she received.

She kicked off her pumps, stripped off her hose, and shimmied out of her dress. She looked forward to jumping into her old sweats and a ratty T-shirt, perfect for her cry session, she chuckled.

Instead of crying though, she felt an overwhelming sense of exhaustion, so she fell onto the couch and slept.

When she opened her eyes, it was pitch black. She looked at her phone and saw it was five in the morning. Ugh. I guess I should get ready for church -- she stopped, and was surprised to see she'd slept more than she'd ever slept.

It was MONDAY. Dang, she thought. I gotta keep busy. Let's see... check on the bank. I gotta make sure the life insurance checks cleared. Then I need a car, then I gotta call the insurance company to insure it.

She made a check list in her head then looked around the house.

And I need to get out of here, she decided. I need to pack up the unnecessary stuff and sell the house. I can't stay here.

She felt an anxiety attack coming on and tried to take deep breaths, failing to calm down. She started hyperventilating, so she stood up quickly and felt so dizzy she had to sit back down. She grabbed her phone, blindly tapped on the contacts list, and called the first person on the list.

Isaac was having a bad day at work. None of his clients were listening to his advice and wanted him to invest in a short stock sale despite his best efforts. His coffee was getting cold, and he wished he hadn't woken up at four in the morning today to get a workout in.

He groaned, then closed his laptop screen to give himself a break. Glancing at the clock, he groaned again. It was only 8:15. It was going to be a long day and he was already done.

A flash on his phone caught the corner of his eye and he picked it up, surprised that Mari's name popped up.

He answered immediately. "Hello? Mari? What's going on?"

He didn't hear a response and just heard quick breaths on the other line.

"Hey Mari, are you okay?"

Silence.

Then, "Oh, who's this?"

Isaac pulled the phone away from him and looked at the screen. "Uh, it's Isaac... Mari, are you okay?"

"Oh, you called me? No wait, that's not right, I called you... but how?"

Isaac stayed silent. He was just as confused as she was.

At least I'm not bored now, he thought.

"Isaac, I... I... I can't stay here. This house, it's-it's stifling me. Everywhere I look it hurts. I'm sorry I called you. Honestly, I think I'm having a panic attack and I couldn't see my contacts, I just scrolled and tapped on the first person on my list. I'm so sorry to bother you, Ijustdidn'tthinkaboutitandIhopeIdidn'tbother--"

"Hey Mari, stop, it's okay! I'm glad you called me. Just take a breath. Take as long as you need. I'll sit on the phone with you," he assured her.

She was babbling, incoherent, probably stressed beyond words, he thought.

Strangely, he didn't mind it.

Normally he'd cut phone conversations short while he was at work, but he needed to take his mind off of his own particularly dowdy day today.

And you answered, God, he thought.

The other line was silent, punctuated only by breathing sounds. "Mari? Are you still there? You okay? You need me to call someone to stay with you?" he asked.

"What...? N-no, thank you. I've had it up to here with people right now. They've about worn down my door and my phone with offers to come over. No... I don't want to see or talk to anybody that knows me," she huffed.

Silence.

"Well... I guess I'm a hypocrite. I called you. And you know me. You know everything. I'm sorry," she said.

"It's okay. I can go if you need me to," he offered.

He heard her chuckle. He hadn't heard that sound in a week.

"Well... I don't want to interrupt your work day. I know you probably have millions and trillions of dollars to manage, and a sad old woman like me does NOT need to get in the way of that," she said.

It was his turn to chuckle. "Hey, I wish my clients listened to me today the way you're listening to me. Then maybe their millions would be a little bit safer. No, I've got time. I've done all I can do for today," he said.

"Ha! Isaac, it's only a quarter past nine. Your workday just started and you're done already? Wow," she mused.

"Believe me when I say, it's been a long day, already," he said, packing up his bag.

He really was done for today. Mondays were a drag, and usually he was looking for things to do to occupy his time at the office. He sent a quick memo to the receptionist that he was heading out, and he made his way downstairs to the parking garage.

"Hey, have you had lunch yet?" he asked.

"Um... I don't know, actually..." she hesitated. "I actually don't remember the last time I ate," she said.

His heart sank. He changed his voice to deflect the concern and instead tried to sound upbeat.

"Well, if you'd like a truant for company, I'll bring some food over. Who knows, I might even bring a bottle," he offered.

"Ha! No, don't get me into day drinking in this state, Isaac. Thanks, anyways," she declined.

He felt his ears burn, and before he could help himself, he said, "Mari, there's a reason you called me. I believe you when you said you didn't know who you were calling, and I'm glad it was me.

But you need to eat. If you don't even remember the last time you ate, that's not good... Please, let me bring you some food at least. Then you can shoo me away all you want. You don't even have to answer the door. I'll leave it on your porch," he said.

Silence on the other line.

He was kicking himself for being so forward and he worried he might've pushed it too far, when Mari cleared her throat. "I-I'm sorry, Isaac--"

He cut her off. "No need, Mari, I'm sorr--" and it was her turn to interrupt.

"No, wait, let me say it. I'm sorry for interrupting your work day. You've been so gracious to offer food and company. I guess I do need to eat... If I don't, I'll never hear the end of it at church," she chuckled humorlessly.

"If you haven't been put off by me, I... I'd love some company. Even if it's a truant," she said.

He smiled. "On my way," he said.

Mari sat down on the couch. She looked around the house. Except for the blankets on the sofa, the house didn't look lived in. She supposed she should be grateful to the ladies who dropped by and picked up after her, so she shot some quick texts expressing her gratitude.

There were no dishes in the sink, no crumbs on the floor, no toys strewn about. She'd always thought cleaning up after the family got old really quickly, but now she missed it terribly.

More sobs came from her throat, and that sound seemed foreign to her. Then the tears flowed, and she rushed to the bathroom to splash water on her face. She looked in her reflection and realized she'd slept in the hair and makeup from the funeral. She looked like a mess.

Shit, I gotta take a shower, she thought.

So, she put on some blues and stepped inside her shower. Afterwards, she lingered in the bathroom, just listening to the music. She'd just put on her socks when she heard a knock.

"Crap!" she exclaimed, losing track of the time.

Another knock. "Coming!" she said, stumbling through the kitchen fighting a sock eager to come off.

Isaac peered through the door glass and had to stifle a smile. There she was, damp hair, in mismatched socks and sweats. She rushed to the door, offering him an apologetic smile for the wait.

He must have looked at her incredulously so she apologized. "I'm sorry, Isaac! I lost track of time. I put on the closest things I could reach."

She cringed inside. This was NOT how she wanted anybody to see her, especially him.

Only Kenzo could love this mess, she thought.

As the thought dawned on her, tears started filling her eyes.

Isaac, on the other hand, looked at her and thought, So, she's not actually unflappable.

He took in her appearance and he felt sorry for her. He could feel the emptiness of the house and understood how she felt. Then he saw tears threaten to fall, so he dropped the food on the table and embraced her.

Instinctively, he held her close and felt her shoulders fall. Both of them relaxed and didn't feel any awkwardness. In that moment, it was just Isaac holding her up as she exhaled and finally let the dam burst.

Mari let go. It didn't matter who was holding her at that moment, and in all honesty, she'd forgotten anyone else was even in the kitchen with her. She felt her heart shatter into a million little pieces, much like she imagined how the windshield broke when the car flipped over.

A guttural wail came out of her, then another, then another.

"NOOOO! My family!!! God, please! Please, God, make the pain go away!" she pleaded, her words punctuated by sobs and wails.

She'd collapsed on her knees as her legs gave way, but Isaac guided her down gently to the floor and kept holding her. He rocked her, letting her cry. She felt truly alone in that instant, helpless, vulnerable, completely overwhelmed. He cried silently with her, feeling her pain as he held on to her.

They stayed that way for a long time.

After her sobs broke into whimpers, then silent tears, she realized she was still being held. She pulled back, swiped at her eyes, then looked up at him. He let go and turned to look at her.

She wiped his eyes instinctively before she realized it, then tried to play it off. "Hey, I'm sorry I made you cry too..."

"It's okay, Mari. I can't imagine how you feel, but I know you had to let it out," he reassured her.

She broke away from him and stood up, steadying herself on the counter. Taking a few deep breaths, she looked over at the food and chuckled.

"Look at me, snotting and crying all over you when the food you brought is probably cold by now."

He stood up and moved to unpack lunch.

"Here. I figured your appetite hadn't come back yet so here's some soup and crackers. If you get it back, there's a slice of cake in there for you too," he said.

"Thanks," she sniffed. "Where's yours? I'm not eating by myself, you know."

He took out another bag and unpacked it.

"What, and let you have all the fun? This is from my favorite bakery in Regier. There's no way I'm passing that up," he said.

They both shared a chuckle. They ate in silence for a while, punctuated only when Mari would say, "Mmm."

Isaac gathered up their dishes and placed them inside the dishwasher.

He held up a soapy hand as Mari protested, prompting her to shut her mouth and sit back.

"I guess I was hungrier than I thought," she said, after he'd dried off his hands.

He chuckled. "Guess so -- I'm just glad you ate."

She looked at him as he took a seat beside her, prompting him to ask, "What is it? Do I have something on my face?"

She snorted. "No. And besides, I wouldn't tell you anyways. I'd let you walk around all day with it."

That earned her a feigned frown from him.

"No... I'm just wondering how anyone lives with this kind of loneliness in their life. It's like a dark shadow that follows me around all day. Sometimes it's a haze and other times it's a heavy, oppressive fog. How do people do it? How do you live afterwards?" she asked.

He studied her for a moment, then looked down at his hands. "Guess I don't have the market cornered on loneliness, anymore," he started.

Mari smiled sadly. "No, guess not."

Isaac ran his hand over his hair, letting out a huff. "I don't know... I guess you just keep going. You take the next step, because in the fog that's the only thing you can do. You can't stop moving, 'cause if you do, you'll never get enough courage to start back up.

You can't even see your foot in front of you, so you don't dare veer off to the left or to the right, knowing somewhere there's a cliff you can't see until you fall off of it. And y'know, even though you can't know or see where you're headed, you gotta trust the One who's leading you forward.

He's the only one who really understands, Mari. He's the only one who can really help. Then sometimes He sends people along the way to hold your hand too," Isaac said.

She nodded. "What do you do, Isaac? When you know what you oughta be doing, but you lost the goal? I feel like I'm a container ship. I've got somewhere to go, a job to do, but the anchor slipped off of me and I'm wandering in the ocean, just trying to get back to port."

He nodded. That didn't warrant an answer. He felt the same way.

-----

FEBRUARY 2023

Aaron, Scott Delian, and Jackson Fisher looked across the table at Mari. They'd been in a meeting running on almost two hours now.

Scott cleared his throat and asked, "So, what do you propose?" All three men looked at her expectantly.

"Well, gentlemen, I'd like to return to full-time work. I don't know if there's a place for me here with those kinds of hours, but I thought I'd ask. If not here, then somewhere in the church, Aaron.

You've all seen my work ethic, but I know that's not the quality in question here. I've found myself suddenly very... available. That is to say... I've got nothing to tie me down at home," she replied, wringing her hands under the conference table.

They nodded.

"I need to work. Not just because I've got bills to pay, but I need to do something. I can't sit idly at home. I know I'm good at this. This was my first... child," she said.

Aaron asked if she could wait outside. Mari assented and took her leave.

She figured they'd need some time to talk, so she went downstairs to the church office and greeted Liza. "Hey girl! How are ya? How'd it go?" she asked.

Mari shrugged. "I don't know yet. I pleaded my case and now I guess I wait."

"What will you do if you don't get your position back?" Liza asked.

"Guess I'll put some feelers out to my old connections. I just know I can't stay at home and do nothing," said Mari.

"How are you feeling? It's been a month..." Liza trailed off. "Sorry, girl. I know we can't put a timeline on grief."

"It's okay. I'm here. Some days it feels like thirty years have passed. Other days it feels like it's happening all over again. But arranging their final affairs has been distracting me a bit.

The life insurance checks are coming in and I'm grateful for it. They're about to wire the settlement money from the lawsuit and the guy's facing life in prison, so all in all, things are slowly settling down," Mari recounted.

Liza just gave her a hug. "Hang in there, friend. Maybe finding a new place and a new car will help keep your mind off it too. Who knows, we might just be lunch buddies again!" Liza reassured her.

Jackson called her name and Mari jumped up. "Well, that's my dinner bell. I'll see ya, Liza."

"Keep me posted!" her friend said.

**

"Well Mari, we'd like to thank you for coming to us. But as you know, funds are tight for non-profits this year..." said Aaron.

Mari hung her head low and nodded, looking at her hands. She knew it. She'd have to go and start a good old-fashioned job search, and she didn't think she had enough emotional fortitude to handle rejections or have to explain the stretch of time where she was unemployed.

"...so unfortunately, we can't pay you as much as we'd like to, factoring in health care and retirement too."

Her head shot up. "So, what are you guys saying, then?" she asked.

Jackson grinned. "We're saying, welcome back, sis!"

She smiled back. "This is amazing! Thank you guys! I know this was a stretch--"

Aaron held up his hand. "Stop, not at all. We'd take you back anytime, just wish it weren't under these circumstances."

Scott nodded and handed her a stack of papers. "Look over the hiring packet. Take your time and we'll wait. I'd like to get this signed today."

Mari looked over the offer letter and her eyes widened when she saw her compensation package. "Oh, Aaron, this is... this is a lot more than I was expecting..."

Scott flashed a warm smile. "We want to help. We also know how much your work is worth. We've hired three separate people to do the job you used to do, and believe it or not, we're saving money with you!"

They all shared a laugh. Mari got up and the men followed suit. She shook their hands and handed them back the signed letter. "Thank you, gentlemen. I'm grateful for you all. I'm looking forward to jumping back in, and I'm glad you guys have my back."

They exchanged goodbyes and she headed downstairs. As she walked to the parking lot, she thought back to the offer letter. $65k a year was nothing to sneeze at. She was grateful they also provided healthcare and retirement, but most of all, she was grateful she didn't have to stay all day in that house with only her grief for company.