Q Tip Ch. 01

Q Tip 01

One time, people, try a weird hair style back in school one time and I'm Q Tip forever! But I'm on a mission to change that to QT Tipster, so, find me on Chang and toss a "like" my way for me transitioning into QT Tipster if you want to. And say something nice about my modern gray hair. And by the way, it's modern gray, not grey, so.

"Did you break up with nerds, Q Tip, huh?"

"Peter, I'm QT Tipster now and yes and no. No for how we're still friends, but sort of yes for how their daddy's think that accidental bumping is exactly the same as straight up groping now since we all graduated, so."

"Tee he, then you're shunned just enough to spill it about if those nerds actually buy extra watermelons when there is picnic planned, tee he, I mean, come on, right?"

"Oh, I'm not at liberty to spill that sized can of beans, Peter, but LMAO, those little freaks did come across some weird video on Chang, LMAO, and maybe my eyes were ruined for life once, which is why I wear these oversized gray rimmed glasses now, but, LMAO, I'm totally not at liberty to speak of that any further, tee he, so, your mom has a picnic planned for this Saturday afternoon, right, Peter?"

"Oh, um, ooh, well, I mean, um, I mean, I didn't buy a hard plastic tube to use as a melon core extractor, I mean, it's just a fancy way to serve watermelon slices in these modern times and I mean those glasses totally frame your face, Q Tip, especially under your fluffy grey, I mean, your gray hair and um, what?"

"[Cheek smooch] bye for now, Peter (and don't lay down on top of it! Or sploosh! You have to hold it up waist high like Ben does and work it.)"

"Wait, wait, wait, Q Tip, I mean, I mean, I mean, you've seen, um, ooh, ah, you saw, um..."

"A somewhat naked guy, Peter? Is that what you trying to mumble out, hmm?"

Well, Pete passed out before we could finish babbling his "um, ooh, ah, oh, well" and stuff about how I may have saw the nerds hammer their watermelon dates, so.

Oh, me? I'm not gay, I'm transitioning. And I'm scouring the playbooks for the word "transitioned" with an "ed" on the end of it because nobody seems to address the end much.

"Huh, Peter passed out, again then, Tippy Tip? When he comes around, tell him that I finished polish grinding the end of our [whips out a plastic tube, that, huh, looked familiar], I mean, his, his, his plastic tube melon core extractor, so, um, are you available for a "hey there, hey" from me, Gray Tips, huh?"

Ahem, my hair is solid gray, folks! And light gray. But who knows when I switch over to something darker, right?

"Oh, Chad, I mean, we're not ready for any "hey there, hey" stuff just yet, but if you accidently send me a butt text, text from the picnic, I mean, I'll have a legit excuse to show up and be dressed for a Saturday afternoon picnic, so, bye, Chad."

I mean, during daylight hours and amongst a picnic crowd, I mean, that should be fairly safe, right?

"Hi, Brett."

"OMG, it's you! The Gray Lady Wolf! And I only fat thumbed a "like" on your quest to be forever known as QT Tipster, so? Also, what is a lady wolf called anyways, huh?"

"Wolf, I'm pretty sure a lady Wolf is a Wolf, Brett, well, maybe She-Wolf, I don't know, the woods scare me, so, for a side seat ride up to the "Stop & Rob" convenience store, I mean, you can hate trash-talk me all the way there and back, so?"

"Oh, for free, QT Tipster, huh?"

"Well, everything and anything but the word "sissy" and I'll cry and whimper in your side seat just like the old days, so?"

Well, that didn't take much.

Hmm, Brett, hmm, a bully in progress, maybe? And I was no better at whimpering, so, it was a tie.

[Vroom, vroom, vroom, in silence without much hate trash talking]

"You've turned handsome, Brett, but that's all that I'm saying, so?"

"And your hips turned impossible, QT Tipster, did you buy them, huh?"

"Well, Brett, I'm just glad that you remember the difference and that's all I'm saying, so?"

[Vroom, vroom, vroom and somebody forgot to look up the definition of hate trash talking]

"Are you sleeping diagonal in your bed, QT Tippy, huh?"

"Um, hold off the backside of "hey there, hey" for now, Brett, but I can sleep diagonal in my bed."

[Vroom, vroom, vroom, hate trash talking is exactly the same as pillow talk these days?]

"I need you to come inside with me baby and I so didn't mean to just call you baby, baby."

[Yep, trash talk is dead!]

I mean, bully, baby, bully, baby, they are almost exactly the same thing!

[The Stop & Rob Convenience store front door chime, jingle, jangle]

Also, I just changed my mind and I want to push QT Hipster now.

"Well, well, well, this just takes the cake! You finally crumble under my faggot advances over you and you bring your bull boyfriend with you, Q Tip? I mean, this just beats it harder than I beat off over your widening hips in my dreams! (And grey hair)."

"[Grr, grr, grr]"

"Clyde, shut it! (Stand down, Brett). Where are they [slams a dainty hand on the counter], hmm?"

"Where are what, Gray Stone? My condoms because I want my Boi butt raw! You know, with a pencil taped to my limp and wrinkled OG dick, so?"

"[Grr, grr, grr]"

"(Stand down, Brett.) That's, that's, OMG, that's so you, you, old faggot and now I'm going to need an "ick, ewe, ick" moment to regroup, but then, where are those left over large tubular plastic Christmas Candy Canes that are filled with smaller candies, hmm? And then never speak again!"

"Ah-hah! Oh, wait, you mean my makeshift vacuum cleaner tubes, I mean, I mean, right over there and by the way, I don't fit inside of them when emptied of the candy pieces! (And I'm too soft and limp anyways)."

Yep, tee he, they are a little thin, but yep, they might work as a makeshift watermelon core extractor tool.

[Holding and guiding Brett's muscular arms, you know, since Clyde passed out]

"Twist slowly, Brett, until you pierce the Rhine skin all the way, twist slowly, babe or the candy cane thing with crumble and fold."

"[Twisting back and forth quite gently] (I'm piercing you, Hipster QT soon enough!)"

I mean, I just changed my mind again and I'm pushing Hipster QT now.

"(And I'm going to crumble and fold under you, but that's another time, so, slow, twist, slow, twist and on and on."

[Slow twist right, slow twist left, slow twist right, slow left, plop through the thick Rhine skin, yay!]

Well, SOB! It worked!

[Slow twist right, slow twist left, slow twist right, slow left, squeeze, squeeze, rub, rub]

Oh, the melon core was extracted and it felt like Brett deserved a workmanship reward, so.

"OMFG, Hipster QT, is this a..."

"Tee he, it's Clyde's Boi butt. Only a bit juicy and a little cold. Grab two more watermelons and the rest of the Christmas Candy Canes, Brett, while I use this Sharpie to write his first Tranny love, Angela Jaye, across the top of, ahem, perfectly cored out melon hole!"

"Tee he, oops, I'll just grab the other stuff, um, yeah, okay."

Hmm, just when you thought you were showing someone something new, right? They always go all "tee he" with their first response when it's not that new, am I right about that?

[Vroom, vroom, vroom, hate trash talking has become the farmers dream now]

"Hipster, I mean, I mean, I mean..."

"Hush, Brett, you can blame it on me in front of Buster, so?"

"What? I mean, I mean, I mean..."

Hmm, nope, I wasn't buying that! They grew up playing video together, so, they've done stuff in front of each other before.

"(Beep, beep, beep, beep!)"

Well, Brett wasn't to honk the horn at his friend, Buster and if they didn't want the side seat passenger to beep it, then they should SUV's wider, the end.

[Buser the even worse bully approaches the SUV window]

"Well, well, well, if it isn't..."

Guys, right? They always shut it when you shove a phone in their face with a preloaded hate trash text all ready to go! But whew, I'm so glad that Buster read it first!

"Damn it, Hip, Hip, Hooray, I can't send this group text now! We're out of school over three years now! Also, where were typing skills three ago since I fat fingered everything and oh, ooh, is there a picnic tonight or something? I spy fruit booty, I mean, round watermelons, I mean, I mean, I mean..."

Um, nope, I'm not pushing Hip, Hip, Hooray or Fruit Booty. Unless Fruit Booty slips out in the heat of the moment.

[I mean, shouldn't there have been a few words exchanged when switching in and out of the passenger seat, hmm?]

"Do you idiots know how to video yourselves without plastering your "argh, argh, argh" faces in frame, hmm?"

"Hipster Gray, I mean..."

Oh, I'll hump back hard for a Hipster Gray call out! When I learn how to hump back hard anyways.

"I mean, I mean, we know better than to hump it from the top, I mean, I mean, I mean, what are we supposed to do with these anyways, huh? And how did you dream up such a perfectly round coring tool since a butter knife sucks at making round holes? Wait, I mean, what?"

Guys, right? Does the hole look round, Buster? Not at all, but I'm hard, Brett. Well, we can call it alien Boi booty then, tee he, right Buster? Just put a paper bag over the watermelon, Brett. Tee he, I can hear it now.

[Vroom, vroom, VROOM, VROOM. Squeal, peel, screech away from the Strip]

"Oh, they sure took off in a hurry then, QT Hippy Bippy, so, hi, what's up, huh?"

"Oh, Nate, um, you know, they finally realized that they are running behind with their picnic plans, so, yeah, they peeled to start peeling the watermelons early, so, I mean, is "hi" where we are then, Nate, hmm?"

"Oh, well, listen QT Gray, you are kind of prissy with your attitude sometimes and a little stand offish when people try to approach you and let's not forget about..."

Guys, right? Sometimes they need to be shut up because they remember all the wrong things!

"[Mwah, smooch, mwah, smack, smack, smooch, mwah]"

I have never been prissy about my attitude.

"[Mwah, smooch, mwah, smack, smack, smooch, mwah]"

And I've always stood tall, well, as tall as I can stand.

"[Mwah, smooch, mwah, smack, smack, smooch, mwah]"

And I've never run from anyone who approaches me.

"[Mwah, throb, smooch, mwah, boing, smack, smack, boing, smooch, mwah]"

And whatever else Nate was about falsely babble on about probably weren't true either.

"[Mwah, boing, smooch, mwah, boing, smack, smack, smooch, boing, mwah]"

"Hi, I'm Hipster Gray tonight, Nate."

"[Mwah, boing, smooch, mwah, boing, smack, smack, boing, smooch, mwah]"

"Oh, well then, Hipster Gray, it's a good thing that I bought gray shaded condoms today!"

Well, maybe I run sometimes.

But I was worked up from watermelon picking, so, I ran straight to Nate's truck, so, what?

End Q Tip 01