Questions

Does that make me the most boring kinkster of all time?

Amber."

I laughed when I read Amber's reply.

"Dear Amber,

You are a very funny and charming young lady. Seeing as we both have nothing exciting planned for today, would you like to join me for a late lunch or a coffee? You may pick where meet.

Gil."

Amber thought about my invitation to meet for a moment. She decided that she was curious enough to meet me. No matter how old I was. She also decided that she would dress down. A pair of loose jeans, a baggy sweatshirt, sunglasses and a cap, would ensure that I got the message that she wasn't interested in anything more than conversation.

"Dear Gil,

I could use a break. Meet me at three, on the patio of Jenny's Café. It's at the Old Mill. I'll be wearing a Blue Jays cap and sweatshirt.

Amber."

~

Amber arrived at the café and took a seat at a table for two. She scanned the tables in the event that I had arrived before her.

"Amber?" a voice called out from behind her.

She turned and looked at me. "Yes. Do I know you?" There was no way the tall, ruggedly built, handsome man with steely brown eyes, and a greying goatee, could have been who she was waiting for.

I chuckled and replied, "Only through our emails."

Amber stared at me with her mouth agape and shook her head. "I'm so sorry," she chuckled. "You look nothing like I imagined. Please, sit down."

I sat across from her and smiled, "Thank you. May I ask how you had pictured what I looked like?"

Amber laughed nervously and shook her head, "No, you may not."

I laughed at her reply. We placed our orders with the waitress and made small talk as we waited for Amber's cappuccino and my iced espresso to be brought to us. The waitress placed our beverages on the table, smiled at Amber, and said, "Enjoy."

At that moment, Amber wished that she would have dressed sexier. She took a sip of her coffee as she eyed me over the cup's rim.

She placed the cup back on the table and asked, "I have a better understanding of BDSM than from when I started researching. But, I would like to understand it better. Could you provide me with more granular details?"

"Of course," I smiled, "You mentioned that you are drawn to bondage and discipline?"

"Yes, I am. I like the thought of being told what to do, and what not to do. I have never been restrained, but the thought of it, and looking at pictures of bound women, is very appealing and arousing."

I chuckled and replied, "Close your eyes and place your arm on the table, palm facing up, please, Amber." I waited for her to think about, and then decide to comply with my request. I waited a few seconds before I placed the pads of my fingertips on her wrist. Amber quickly pulled her arm away and opened her eyes.

"What are you doing?" She asked with a mix of surprise and slight panic in her voice.

I grinned and replied, "That is an example of fight or flight, of entering a state of hyperarousal. What did you feel just now?"

Amber snickered and replied, "I feel foolish. I wasn't expecting you to touch me. I guess I panicked a bit. My heart is beating faster, and I felt a small adrenaline rush. I'm sure my cheeks are slightly red."

I smiled at her and explained, "A normal reaction. We cannot understand the attraction to kink, if we don't understand the how and why of sexual desire. A lot more changes occurred in your body than you realize just now. Your body reacted by preparing itself for what you perceived to be a threat. When you became aware that you were in no immediate danger, or that a threat did not exist, you laughed. But, it will take a moment or two before you to get back to a normal state. It will take a few minutes to use up the adrenaline and endorphins that your body released. So, you will remain in a state of hyper-awareness, till that happens."

"It wasn't a pleasant feeling. I was scared for an instant. I don't think that would put me in the mood for sex, to be honest," Amber whispered her last sentence. I smiled and nodded at her.

"If we repeated that, your reaction would be much less intense. If you were sexually aroused, and exposed to similar, and gradually more intense physical and emotional stimuli, your sense of awareness, and sexual arousal would increase. More endorphins, serotonin and adrenaline, along with other hormones would be released into your body. Eventually, what is referred to as subspace, is achieved, if, the stimuli are administered for a long enough period of time. There is a science behind consensual kink, if, you find that type of physical play arousing."

Amber twisted her lips and thought for a moment. "Similar to when Jason is close to climax, and he increases the speed and power of his thrusts. That increases my arousal."

"If you are a thrill seeker, and that is how your body reacts to increased stimulation, yes, it is similar. Everyone has triggers that arouse them. If you are aroused by, and have an appetite for intense physical stimulation, having an experienced person you trust, and find attractive, put you through your paces, makes for a very pleasurable sexual experience. Be it a light spanking or a hard body flogging. It depends on the individual's preferences," I smiled at her.

"Thrill seekers?" she asked.

"Yes. Some people like to watch horror movies, get scared, scream, and jump out of their seats. It doesn't sound like very much fun, does it? There is no real danger to them. But, they look forward to being scared and the high associated with the release of chemicals. It's the rush that gets them off. Some people jump off bridges with an elastic chord tied to their ankles, to experience that rush."

Amber sat up straight and replied, "Nature versus nurture, that's why there are so many different likes and dislikes. It's either in you, or it's not. And, our brain's reward system, I read something about that."

I nodded and replied, "Yes, neurotransmitters, dopamine pathways and the like. With any type of sex, the end result is the same, neurochemicals are released and we experience a chemical high. Regardless if the activities we chose to participate in are considered kinky or vanilla. What happens at the start of arousal, the buildup, and the release, is physically, emotionally, and chemically the same for everyone.

I read a very interesting article; I will email it to you. Studies found that vaginal blood flow in women attracted to BDSM increases when they watch kinky porn, at the same rate as it does for non-kinky women who watch vanilla porn. Conversely, blood flow does not increase when kinky women watch vanilla porn, implying that the brain has a part to play in controlling that blood flow, and that the brains of people who respond to kinky stimuli fire up the same way those who respond to vanilla sex do. You have to conclude that there is nothing neurologically or biologically dysfunctional about kink related desires.

Stimuli are not only limited to the sense of touch. All of our senses can be used to deliver stimuli and trigger a desired effect."

Amber laughed and replied, "Just like the guy on the internet that wanted me to verbally abuse him. So he could get off."

I chuckled, "Yes. Being verbally abused for some has the exact same emotional and physical effects as having sweet nothings whispered to others.

There is much confusion over why some are attracted to kink. A popular belief still exists that some traumatic event early on in life might be responsible for the attraction to kink. So, it's labelled as deviant or abnormal behavior. You can see how that would confuse and make someone hesitant to explore their kinky side."

Amber pushed her cup to the side, placed her arms on the small table, and leaned closer to me. "I guess you have to experiment and experience new things in order to know what works and doesn't work for you. Be willing to take calculated risks. What are your triggers, Gil? She coyly asked.

I grinned and replied, "I have many triggers, Amber. You already have experimented with me, by answering my question for personal and selfish reasons. You felt safe and comfortable enough to answer a question on a subject that you have not breached with your boyfriend yet. Keep in mind, when experimenting with what you are curious about or what you think you might enjoy, comes the risk of detrimental impacts. The possibility of being exposed to something that will have an adverse effect on you is real.

I am not an authority on psychology, but it is safe to assume that some individuals engage in unhealthy behavior, both physically and emotionally. And you also run the risk of choosing the wrong person to explore with, be it with vanilla or kinky sex."

"Like everything else, from alcohol, to drugs, to food," Amber added.

"Exactly. Finding a sane and suitable partner to play with, especially for someone new to the scene, can pose a challenge. I have had unpleasant experiences with women. We all have stories that are unpleasant."

"Yes, of course. I have had a few unpleasant experiences when I first started dating. We all have. How would I know if someone was being truthful with me, and would respect my limits? They could say anything and everything during the negotiating," she asked.

"You can't be sure. You should always trust your intuition. All local kink communities are tightly knit. It is a way to weed out the undesirables, for the serious players and novices alike. There are many meet and greets, munches, that are organized for people to attend, meet likeminded people, and test the waters. In time, you get a feel for the experienced players.

If you are in search of thrills, proceed with caution, learn as much as you can, ask a lot of questions, and if you are lucky enough to meet someone like, Diana, pick her brain, and have her introduce you to reputable and experienced people. Or, ask her to mentor you."

"What about rules? Are there certain rules that everyone follows, despite what their sexual preferences are? I have received very differing information when I asked that question on the web site. Some sounded absolutely ridiculous."

I smiled and replied, "Common sense, whatever limits you are comfortable to test, and whatever compromises you are comfortable to make. Those are the rules you should follow. It is all about you, and what you want to experience and experiment with.

Similar to many things in life, kink is not something that falls in to the one size fits all category. It comes down to what pleases you, what arouses you, what you want, and what gets you off, no matter what role you choose to play. I am certain that you and your boyfriend enjoy some sex acts more than others."

"What about punishments? Do you punish your play partners with spankings and whips, for not obeying you? It seems to be a very popular theme on that web site. Some men seem to want to punish you for every little thing they can think of. That has no appeal to me what so ever," Amber shifted in her seat as she spoke.

I laughed and replied, "Only if they ask me very nicely. If my play partner wants a spanking, or wants to be whipped, all she has to do is ask. If I want to spank or whip her, all I have to do is ask. If someone enjoys role play that includes being made to stand in a corner, or being spanked when they misbehave, that is different than punishment.

You are referring to Dom/sub play. If a sub did do something out of character, I would be concerned; I would want to know if she is struggling with something. I would ask if I could do anything for her. I would ask her to explain her actions; try to understand why she behaved in that manner. We all have bad days. Beating on someone, because they didn't perform a task to your liking, or ran late because of traffic, is abuse, not domination. Unfortunately, that is something that can be found in any type of relationship, regardless of gender. A Dom's role is to nurture and guide, if a Dom isn't prepared to assist their sub when they are struggling with something, they have missed the point.

If a sub has to walk on egg shells, and worry about everything they do or say, for fear of being reprimanded, they have hooked up with an abusive asshole, not a Dom. I have never engaged in using corporal punishment. If she was acting up and misbehaving on purpose, being bratty, I would deny her play time with me. That gets their undivided attention."

Amber looked to see how many people were still seated on the patio. The crowd had thinned out; the temperature had dropped as the sun had begun to set.

She gathered up enough courage and asked, "May I call you on that, the part of only having to ask for something from you?"

I grinned and leaned back in my chair as I replied, "You may."

Amber smiled and bit her lip. "Would you do that again to me?"

"Do what again to you, Amber?"

She blushed and answered, "The eyes closed thing."

"I can, but we'll need another cappuccino and iced espresso. I'll be right back," I replied and made my way to the counter to order the beverages.

I sat back down and placed both cups in front of me on the table, with the spoons in the cups.

"One spoon is hot, the other is cold. I won't tell you which one I will touch you with. Now, close your eyes and lean in towards me."

Amber smiled and asked, "Where will you touch me?"

"Your lips," I grinned. "Not right away, you will have to be patient."

Amber placed her arms on the table and leaned towards me.

"Close your eyes, please," I sternly said to her.

Amber closed her eyes. Her cheeks blushed pink. She became slightly aroused at the anticipation of feeling a hot or cold sensation on her lips. Not knowing which sensation to expect or when I would allow her to feel it was exciting to her. Her pussy became moist and hot as the seconds passed and she waited in darkness.

The longer I made her wait, the more Amber became aroused. Her cheeks flushed brighter. Her breathing became quicker. Her entire body became tense as she closed her hands into tight fists. I tapped a spoon against the lip of the cup, and Amber's body reacted to the sound with a slight jerk. I stirred the coffee in a slow and deliberate circular motion. The sound made Amber gasp and she squeezed her fists tighter. Her knuckles began to turn white.

I leaned towards her and placed my mouth close enough to her ear that she could feel my breath. "You want more than this, don't you, Amber?" I whispered to her with a soft growl.

Amber swallowed hard and nodded her head. Her belly tightened and she shivered. She squeezed her thighs together and started to rock back and forth ever so slightly.

"I don't think a hot or cold spoon pressed gently to your lips will satisfy the need that is coursing through you right now. Will it, Amber?"

Amber moaned and shook her head.

"Where would you like me to touch you?" I asked as I gently brushed my cheek against hers.

"Fuck," she moaned. "Everywhere, I want you to touch me everywhere."

I grinned and asked, "You have made me very hard, Amber. Would you kneel before me, and beg me to touch you everywhere?"

"God yes!" she moaned. "I love knowing I have made you hard. I'd beg you to touch me all over, with your cock."

"How wet are you?" I asked as I pressed my lips on her neck.

She shivered at my touch, squeezed her thighs tighter and moaned, "I'm dripping for you."

"Imagine the hot spoon being pressed on your clit, Amber."

Amber's hands flew open and she pressed her palms hard on the table. She shuddered as she climaxed. Her mouth flew open, and I slid the cold spoon into it. Amber shuddered again as she sucked on the cold that suddenly filled her mouth.

I waited till she stopped shaking and opened her eyes, slid the spoon out of her mouth, and placed it on the table in front of her.

"You are quite a vision when you cum, Amber. I don't think I have ever seen such a lovely sight," I grinned at her.

She brought both her hands to her cheeks, lowered her head and locked her eyes on the spoon. "That felt amazing, thank you. I'll never look at a spoon the same way."

I chuckled and replied, "You are welcome. Shall we leave, or do you need a minute?"

She took a deep breath, took my hand with both her hands, and gently kissed my knuckles. "I need a minute." She lustfully looked into my eyes and asked, "I want and need more, Gil, so much more. Will you take me home with you, please?"

I grinned at her and nodded, "I am at your service, Amber."