tagHumor & SatireRachel & Her Dead Gramp's Orgasm

Rachel & Her Dead Gramp's Orgasm


You know when people die, they have an orgasm!

These were the very first words in Rachel’s story for Professor Burr. She had written it late last night, “and the idea was a brilliant one”, she thought. The young, very sensual women lived the adage that one should write from their own experiences. And indeed, a dead person having an orgasm was one of her experiences.


It was 10 o’clock, Friday night and Rachel’s grandfather was dying. He had been dying for 80 years, but now the day had arrived when all the complaining, painfulness and annoying aches, would go away. She loved him very much and had let him know that her entire life.

“He was a beautiful man,” she would say, “with a smile like no other person in the entire world. When he would curl his lips up, his eyes would somehow open as wide, as wide could be and he would get these amazingly symmetrical lines running adjacent to them.”

But mostly, her grandfather’s face shone a light that was so bright, she remembers as a child, once having to close her eyes from its brilliance and vividness.

And tonight, she would loose him and her life would be alone, without him forever and ever. She whispered in his ear that she would like to speak to him, eve after his death. He was still conscious and very concerned with how his very special granddaughter was feeling. Grandpa nodded back and promised her with his eyes that he would come back after he had died, to talk with her.

Rachel opened her eyes. Somehow, at some point in the evening, Rachel had curled up on the bed with her grandfather and was hugging him. She looked around. Everyone was sleeping. As soon as she opened her eyes however, she realized that her grandfather was cold. And more specifically, Grandpa was dead.

Rachel began to cry. She didn’t want to loose him. They had such great talks. Who would she talk to? Who could understand her? And who would take care of him? She cried all day and all night – well after the Funeral Home had taken his body away.

Finally, at 9 that night, beautiful Rachel fell asleep. She was exhausted from the outpouring of her feelings and felt utterly spent. As she entered into a very deep sleep, warmth ran through her body, unlike anything she had ever felt. It was like shaking hands with a steel worker. You know when you get buried in the muscles of their hand, and the holiness of their work (because every laborer has something special about them).

It seemed that a very gentle, nice ghost was invading her. The noise in her head was interrupted by a voice. It sounded very familiar. It was Grandpa and she knew he would come back.

“Rachel, don’t’ cry so much, honey. I’m fine…In fact….”, Grandpa stopped.

“In fact what” Rachel asked. “What is it?”

“Well, when I died last night, you’ll not believe this but I had the greatest orgasm of my life, “ Grandpa laughed.

“Grandpa, that’s not true, “Rachel said, very intrigued. “Tell me the truth. When you died, didn’t you see a white light and images bidding you forward? That’s what everyone says.”

The warmth continued to tuck itself away inside Rachel. She was feeling wonderful and enjoying this tet a tet with her Grandpa. She just knew he would never leave her.

“Well, my dear. It is the truth,” Grandpa said, “and I have news for you. It doesn’t stop, the orgasm, that is. The moment I saw that light, (and it wasn’t white. It was orange), and was bid forward by angels, (not people), I couldn’t stop cumming, over and over,”

Grandpa was laughing like I had never heard him laugh before.

“And soon, even though I kept orgasming, it didn’t disrupt my speech, movement or awareness. I was cumming just like I was breathing. It’s wonderful,” the old young ghost said.

“But now baby,” I must go. Rachel began to weep.

“But I will only entirely go when you have finished crying. I will be around you, you will not see me, but know I’m there as long as you are crying.”

“And when you are finished crying, my soul will go to rest and I will enter into eternity with Mae West, Einstein, Moses, Mary Magdalene, and all the great people who ever lived and orgasmed”, Grandpa finished.

And with that, the warmth worked its way up to Rachel’s lips and lightly squeezed them, like a kiss. And then, it was gone and Rachel woke up.

She cried that day, and the next and the next. Her tears didn’t seem to stop or even let up. And she cried for one whole year. And then on the last day of Grandpa’s 1-year death anniversary, the warm came back stronger than ever, and once again squeezed her lips.

Then it was gone. Rachel looked out the window and could see the trees blowing in the wind. It was a warm wind, and Rachel thought that Grandpa was now part of nature.

The next day, Rachel cried no more but laughed when she would see the leaves blowing. “Hi Gramps. Hope you’re having a great orgasm. Let me tell you about my date last night…………”

END OF STORY (in the story)

The professor marked Rachel’s paper. She picked it up, looked up to the sky and said, “An A+ Gramps”.

“Oh stop it,” she continued. “I don’t care that you are having another orgasm.” The professor lowered his eyes in fear.


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