Radish Man

Vaughn came over on a Friday evening. His folks had come by half an hour earlier to pick up Mel, and I'd tidied up a bit and put on casual clothes. I had made sure I had wine in the fridge. If he was coming to tell me he was engaged, I'd drink a glass. If he was advising me about an impending birth, I knew I'd probably knock off the whole bottle.

I wasn't the only one who needed alcohol. Vaughn had bought pre-mixed CC and dry with him, but I wasn't sure whether it was to steel his nerves, to give me something in which to drown my sorrows, or because he had some misguided belief that I'd want to celebrate his news with him.

'Are we supposed to be celebrating something?' I wondered out loud.

Vaughn was confused. 'No. Why?'

I stared at him, taking in the sight of the man I once knew. He wasn't much taller than me, only five foot nine, but broad shouldered and stocky. He had less hair on his head than Luke did, but what he had was darker. He was the sort of man who got a five o'clock shadow an hour after shaving, and he was always physically hot and sweaty. Attractive, though, very attractive. And then there was the penis, which I guess matters to some women. I've never been a size queen but I've known plenty of others who like a man to be packing a little extra.

'I thought you might have been coming to tell me you're engaged, or that Zoe is pregnant.' I paused. 'Or maybe both.'

'No. No, no. I want to speak to you. I want to talk to you. I thought it would be easier if we could do it without Melody around, and without any time limits.'

'Neither your parents nor mine have ever been reliable babysitters,' I mused aloud.

'I'm hoping tonight they pull through,' Vaughn agreed. He hesitated. Licked his lower lip nervously. 'You look nice. Really nice. You've looked really nice for the past few months. Are you still seeing the farmer?'

'He's a parts interpreter, not a farmer,' I said.

Vaughn frowned. 'It's someone else?'

'No, it's the same guy, but his day job is being a parts interpreter. He just has a hobby farm. His sister's a marketing consultant and told him how to dress to increase his sales.'

Vaughn laughed under his breath. 'That's awesome.'

'It is, isn't it?' I agreed. 'It makes me laugh every time I think about it.'

We stared at each other helplessly.

'I'm sorry,' Vaughn said plaintively. 'Please let's talk.'

'Does Zoe know you're here?'

He shook his head. 'No.'

'God. Fuck.'

'I know. It's a mess. I'm sorry, Jackie.'

We went inside, to the kitchen, but it was summer and it was hot and the house only had air conditioning in the master bedroom. Luke would have coped just fine, but Vaughn ran hot and I knew he'd soon start dripping. I led him outside. There was an uncovered paved area out the back and I'd put our cast iron setting out here.

Justice woke at the sound of the back sliding door opening and came over to see what I was doing outside. She was surprised to see Vaughn, but she approached him when he beckoned her, and soon warmed up to him.

The dog was a good way for us to break the ice. I was growing more and more confused and nervous by the second. If not because he was engaged or had fathered another child, then why was he here?

'Do you miss her?' I asked. 'Justice?'

Vaughn glanced up at me. 'I miss what I had. I didn't appreciate it until I threw it away.'

Oh for fuck's sake. That's what this was about? Seven months after he left me, seven months after he left me reeling, crying, wondering what the hell he was thinking, he'd decided he wanted me again?

'I'm seeing someone,' I said shortly, as I tried to make sense of my emotions. Was I angry? Frustrated? Sad? Did I want him to fuck off? I didn't know the answer.

Vaughn stood up and grabbed a CC and dry. He took the cap off and handed it to me. I took it without saying 'thanks' and watched as he got one for himself. They only came in a four pack. I wondered how long he was planning on staying.

We sat at the outdoor setting and stared at the sky. Vaughn reached into his pocket and retrieved cigarettes. He offered me one and I accepted. We'd both been smokers when we met, and had only quit when we'd decided we wanted to start a family. We'd both been convinced we'd have a minimum of three kids, but the reality of parenthood had put paid to that idea. Melody had suffered colic, struggled to gain weight, and slept terribly. It was only really in the past year that her sleeping had improved.

My hands shook as he lit my cigarette.

'I'm sorry,' he apologised. 'I'm so sorry. I don't know what I've done.'

I laughed croakily as I tried to inhale. Once upon a time I'd knock over ten or fifteen smokes a day. Quitting had been a nightmare. I'd craved nicotine, enjoyed the smell of others puffing away, and told myself if I was ever diagnosed with a terminal illness, I'd take up smoking again. What a sick fucking line of thought that is; if I get terminal, I'll smoke. Not 'I'll spend more time with my family' or 'I'll tell everyone I love them' but 'I'll buy a pack of Marlboros guilt-free.'

'You broke my heart,' I accused. 'I thought you loved me. It's embarrassing. It hurts. I was sharing my life with you, and you were sharing it with someone else.'

'I know. And I'm sorry,' he said quietly. 'But I still love you. I want to come back home.'

'Our home's been sold. This is your brother's house.'

He drew on his cigarette and exhaled into the night air. 'I had all these fantasies about how tonight would end.'

'Were they the same sort of fantasies you had about life with Zoe?' I asked bitterly.

He shrugged helplessly. 'Yes. No. You know what I didn't realise?'

I didn't respond.

Vaughn answered anyway. 'I thought my life with you was less than ordinary. I became convinced everyone else was getting more, and that I could get something better with someone else. I didn't realise how good I had it. All I could see were the faults.' He drank half his whiskey and smoked some more of his cigarettes. 'Maybe it was because before we had Mel we were so happy together. I loved my life with you. It got boring and repetitive, but after you fell pregnant, it was like I no longer mattered to you.'

I realised what emotion I was feeling. Anger.

'If you've come over here to tell me our marriage ended because I stopped caring about you, and now you've found the other side isn't so green, you can fuck off,' I exploded. 'You've already torn my life to shreds once, Vaughn. You don't get in to amble in now that I've found someone else and tell me that you want to try again. Particularly not when you're still living with the woman you left me for.'

My fury provoked Vaughn's emotions.

'No, you're misunderstanding me,' he replied, clearly agitated. 'I'm not blaming you for anything. I'm blaming myself. I became jealous and petty. I looked for reasons to blame you.'

'Then I'm not misunderstanding you at all,' I snapped. 'Get out. An hour ago, when I thought you were coming to tell me you and that fucking little slut had made a baby I was prepared to force a smile, but damned if I'm interested in listening to you come around and try and ruin my happiness. I've found someone else, Vaughn. You're not the only one who can do that.'

'You've been with him what, three months? We were together seventeen years.'

'And you cheated on me the moment I stopped giving you a hundred percent of my attention.'

We were yelling now, both of us.

'Let's just be realistic about where we were a year ago, Jackie,' he exploded. 'I'd come home from work and try and hug you. You'd fob me off. I'd ask you if you wanted help with anything. You'd tell me you had it under control. I'd try and to give Melody a bath. You'd tell me the water was too cold, or I was doing it wrong. Then you'd get angry because you were trying to bathe a child and make dinner by yourself, and after Melody had gone to bed you'd take Justice for a walk and spend the rest of the evening patting her, completely ignoring me.'

'Every time you cooked dinner, you'd make something you wanted and I'd be the one stuck trying to get Melody to eat it,' I retorted. 'She'd ask you to heat up the water and you'd say 'no Melody, just get in there',' I said, mocking his tone. 'And maybe, just maybe, I've had a busy day and didn't want you repeatedly trying to feel my tits.'

'She's five fucking years old, Jackie. She could have eaten what we were eating. Instead, twice a week we had grilled fish, twice a week we had sausages, twice a week we had spaghetti and once a week we had chicken fucking nuggets. It didn't matter what you wanted, it didn't matter what I wanted, we ate what the kid wanted to eat. In every single facet of our fucking lives, you put a child and a dog ahead of me.'

I'm not going to lie; there was a lot of truth to what he was saying. I'm also not going to pretend that I was receptive to acknowledging it. I didn't want to hear my faults. Who does? And I certainly didn't want to hear them from someone who wasn't my partner.

I reached for my cigarette and inhaled. 'Whatever.'

'Whatever?' His voice softened.

Vaughn reached across the table for my hand, but I pulled it away. He let out a tired sigh and lit another smoke. We both stared into the night sky, searching for answers.

'What do you want?' I asked.

'Another chance. A commitment from you to go to counselling with me. I want to work this out.'

'But in the meantime, you have a back-up plan,' I reflected. 'You want me to take the leap and break up with Luke, while you still live with your girlfriend until you know for sure whether or not I'm committed. You want more from me than you're prepared to give. You want me to say 'I'll do x and y and z' but you'll only join the party if I make the first move.'

'If I break up with Zoe and you say 'no', I'm left with nothing,' he said.

'Kind of like how you left me with nothing.'

'Do you want to try again?'

'I have no idea,' I replied honestly. What were my choices? The man who betrayed me, or the man with whom I'd never be able to have a full house-sharing, relationship?

Vaughn was silent.

'What are you going to do?' I asked.

'I don't know.'

'Me neither,' I agreed. 'But when I was facing homelessness, you stepped in to make sure that wouldn't happen. So if you do leave her, irrespective of whether or not I choose to try again, I would always make room for you here.'

Vaughn finished his cigarette. He pulled one out of the pack and left it for me - he knew me well - then walked out the front to his car. He didn't say anything else. Thank goodness he didn't. I wouldn't have known what to say to him.

~~~~~~

A week passed without any contact from Vaughn, save for a last minute request that we swap access weekends with Melody. I'd made plans to go to dinner with my girlfriends on Friday, and to spend Saturday night with Luke at his farm, so to say I was annoyed was an understatement, but I bit my tongue and said 'sure'.

Taking my daughter to dinner was a huge mistake. We lasted forty-five minutes before her incessant whining and complaining drove me to distraction and I packed her up and we headed home. No sooner were we back at our house than she was hungry and wanted to stay up. I yelled at her, she cried, and I was struck by a sudden onslaught of guilt. She was tired. She'd been at school all week. She didn't want to sit quietly at a restaurant table, she wanted to relax at home.

While we were sitting in front of the television with a bowl of popcorn, I texted Luke to cancel tomorrow night. He told me it was up to me, but I was welcome to bring Melody around if I wanted to.

'Are you sure?' I asked.

'Of course!'

'You're not just being nice? I don't mean to be offensive, but last time she went around you kept staring at her trying to figure out why she had so much energy.'

'I'll probably do the same thing this time. Damn kids. So full of beans. Bring her around. This old man will adjust.'

I still wasn't convinced. I turned to Melody.

'You remember when we visited my friend at the farm?'

'Uh huh.'

'He's asked if we want to go around again.'

Melody squealed with excitement. 'Yes! Mummy, yes!'

'Okay, we'll go around tomorrow night.'

I was selfishly grateful she wanted to go to Luke's farm, but at the same time, I dreaded the possibility of her wearing Luke out, and I equally feared that the farm might not hold her interest the way it had last time.

The following afternoon we started the long drive out. Melody coloured in for the duration of the journey, while I thought about Vaughn and his visit the Friday night prior. I was just as confused now as I had been after he'd left. I was also angry and frustrated, because it seemed so unfair that he would just mosey back into my life after I was finally finding my feet and announce that he wanted another chance.

One of Luke's neighbours was over when we arrived. The neighbour had three young children, all of whom he'd brought with him, and after a few moments of shyness and uncertainty, Melody ran off to play with them. They went screaming and yelling down to where the last of the potatoes were growing and entertained themselves digging them up with their hands.

Luke introduced me simply as 'Jackie', but the neighbour implicitly understood that there as a relationship of sorts between Luke and I and appraised me carefully. I could see his mind ticking over, pondering what I was doing with his neighbour and how serious we were.

Luke was in the oddest assembly of clothing; steel capped boots, jeans of unknown vintage, a baby blue shirt and his old Akubra. He had two hats; the one he wore all of the time, and the one he wore at the Farmer's Markets, and the two would never be mistaken for the other. In his old clothing, with the autumn sun shining on his face, he seemed almost ageless. He was different to everyone else I'd known, but he'd done a lot of living in his years and he seemed content with where he was now.

Vaughn stressed out about money, job security, Melody's safety, all of the sorts of things that trouble thirty-something year old men with wives and children. Luke was well past that stage and to be frank, he hadn't lived his early adult years with the same set of pressures as Vaughn.

It wasn't either Vaughn or Luke's fault, it was simply that Vaughn and I were from a different generation, one with different opportunities and expectations. Luke once told me his job was the old style forty hour week type. He clocked on and off at the same time every day. Vaughn's position called for regular overtime, KPI's, and no guarantee of a job in twelve months' time. For Luke, buying a house was no great stretch. For Vaughn and me it had been a huge financial commitment.

When I first slept with Luke, I understood why Vaughn had engaged in an affair. The excitement. The lack of pressure. No realities of life. No child around, demanding food, attention, a cuddle. Just a new man, with whom I wasn't stuck in a daily routine, with whom I could drink, fuck, and then walk away. I still understood Vaughn's motivations, truly I did, but what I struggled to understand was why he had presumed life with Zoe would be inherently better than life with me.

Why hadn't my husband suggested counselling before his affair? Why do it now? If he'd raised his concerns rather than slept with Zoe, I probably would have been upset, but we could have resolved our problems, whereas now I understood his motivations but was hard pressed to find the desire to give him another chance. He'd hurt me far more than I let on to anyone. If I gave our marriage another shot, then I'd spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, waiting for him to find his next, better opportunity.

Luke paused mid-sentence to give me a conspiratorial grin. I smiled back instinctively even though I'd mentally been a million miles away. Did I want Luke? Yes. I wanted to fuck him, kiss him, hold his hand.

Luke noticed I kept drifting off, and after Melody had gone to sleep that night he asked what was on my mind.

I told him about Vaughn. All of it; the whiskey, the cigarettes, the regrets, my failings as a wife. I wanted him to tell me my ex-husband was an idiot, that I should tell him to stay away. I wanted Luke to tell me he loved me.

Instead, Luke turned off the television, and shifted so he was facing me on the couch. He hadn't showered yet and was still in his jeans, which were old and frayed at the cuffs and around the pockets, and his blue shirt. I couldn't imagine what heterosexual woman over thirty with a pulse wouldn't have found him attractive.

'It sounds like he's had time to think about what he wants out of your relationship,' Luke remarked. 'How do you feel about what he said to you?'

'I think he's about a year too late. He didn't just have once-off sex with someone, he didn't merely have an affair, he actually ended our marriage, moved out, and left me to deal with the fall out. I had a daughter who fell asleep crying every night because she couldn't understand why two weeks ago she had a mother and father, and now her father was living with another woman, and she was expected to play happy families with them.'

I took a deep breath and tried to control my anger. 'I got to do five days of school drop offs and pick ups. I was scrabbling for change to pay for petrol because he decided that as I was living in the house, I could pay for the mortgage. Friends dropped me left, right and centre. Then, when I finally started getting my life together, and he found out about you, he decided he wanted me back. Oh, but he can't commit to me yet. He's going to stay with Zoe until I tell him whether or not I want to try again. That's clearly what women are to him; back up plans until the next, better one comes along.'

'I'm not going to tell you he's in the right,' Luke said. 'You're right; he shouldn't have had the affair. But work with me for a bit. Answer a few questions.'

I sighed with frustration. 'Sure. Go ahead.'

'Who did the household finances when you were a couple?'

'Me.'

'You and him, or just you?'

'Just me.'

Luke frowned. 'How did he manage to spend money on having an affair without you noticing?'

'We each had a nominated cash withdrawal limit each week.'

He nodded. 'I see. Do you think it's possible he just didn't realise how financially onerous the mortgage would be on a single income?'

'He'd have to be an idiot not to know it cost a lot.'

'But he wasn't touching the finances. All he knew was that he was allowed to spend a certain amount each week. Why would he know what you owed the bank?'

I thought about it.

'I don't know,' I admitted.

'The only reason I ask is because you've told me that when you spoke to him about how you were struggling, and when you found a lawyer and disputed the financial split, he didn't get nasty. He even helped you find a new home. That's fairly unusual behaviour for someone who has left their wife and found a new girlfriend.'

'He was guilty.'

'Or,' Luke said gently. 'He just didn't have any idea of what your liabilities were, what a fair split should be, or what pressures you were under. The same thing applies to the housework, doesn't it? You were just doing it all. He had no idea.'

'Oh for fuck's sake,' I muttered. 'He knew. He just expected me to tell him what to do, and then manage him while he did it. I could have just done it myself and saved myself the stress.'

'But you didn't save yourself any stress. You stressed yourself out and you got angry at him for not implicitly knowing what to do. All the while he was probably left wondering what use he was of to you, and if you still loved him.'