Raz 01

Raz 01

So, I'm known as Raz, but not in terms of razzle dazzle since I'm actually quite calm and conversative, but the rumors have to stop because Chuck is not my roomie. He's just my cousin and a really handy guy to have around because other handy guys always end up trying to put their hands on me and he wants to host a pole barn mixer at my place once in a while, that's fine.

I mean, do you know anyone better than me at making sure the pole barn doors stay standing straight up and open, hmm?

And if I dress in conversative costume during any one of his mixers, so what?

[A mingling stroll, eyes on a swivel, sipping beer, lurks towards pole barn open door frame]

"Um, hey, I'm free tonight and nobody should be free at a party, so?"

"I don't know you, but I'm glad you know my cousin well enough to be here, so, mingle along."

[A mingling stroll, eyes on a swivel, sipping beer, lurks towards pole barn open door frame]

"You got my number? You should have my number because I want to give you my number, so?"

"I hardly know you, but if I ever want your number, then I'll ask for it, so, mingle along."

[A mingling stroll, eyes on a swivel, sipping beer, lurks towards pole barn open door frame]

"Care for a sip of beer? It's only spiked if you spiked it since I know this is your place, so?"

"I've only known you for less than a week, so, sip, sip, mingle along then."

I'm not a bitch people! I swear it.

[A mingling stroll, eyes on a swivel, sipping beer, lurks towards pole barn open door frame]

"Tee he, are you the Valet parking attendant, Raz, hmm?"

OMG! Does a buttoned-up chef's jacket look like a valet's jacket, folks? Well, maybe a little. And the double-breasted buttons are only real on the right side and fake on the left and ahem, buttoned up tight to my conversative chinny, chin, chin! But there's no rule that a chef can't wear shorts, which, I do have the legs for, so.

"That's Chef Raz, to you, Carl Carleton. And you gave your pity "hello" to the funny Boi holding up the pole barn doors, so, you can move on now, so?"

"Ooh, now hold on Raz because I'm swinging back in a few minutes with an offer that I know you won't be able to refuse and don't ever say that again because I actually respect your lifestyle choice (and admire your wardrobe) and I just happen to place my order from a more tradition menu, so?"

Rats! When a guy actually responses back with honesty and integrity, right? As long as his offer that I couldn't refuse isn't in his pants because that's something that I hear a lot.

"My apologies, Carl Carleton and I'll wait with bated breath to hear all about your offer that I can't refuse, even though I'm not sure what waiting with bated breath actually means, so?"

"Oh, well then, Raz, I promise you that your bated breath will be worth the wait, even though I'm not sure what that means either, so, I'll be back around."

Alright. Oh, LOL, I looked it up on my phone, so, I'm holding up the pole barn doors in anticipation of what's to come next, so.

[A mingling stroll, eyes on a swivel, sipping beer, lurks towards pole barn open door frame]

"I know where another party is at, so?"

"And I hope you have fun at this other party, so?"

"Oh, I will have fun at this other party because I've heard that there are bedrooms up in main house and I'm pretty sneaky about sneaking around, so?"

"Oh, because I heard that Bruno Brewster is standing guard at the main house and that's not going to be any fun for you, so?"

"(Bitch)"

"(Asshole)"

Well, Chuck can use my pole barn for a mixer, but that is not a green light to house my house.

[A mingling stroll, eyes on a swivel, sipping beer, lurks towards pole barn open door frame]

"My SUV is parked in the street and I carried your books a couple of times back in school, so?"

"And I paid you back for that, Bill Billups because I went back to your place and I only jumped back when I realized how alone we were, so, we're a tie."

"Oh, no, no, no, Raz because the score got wiped clean as soon as you started to look like this, so?"

"I have your number, Bill Billups and that's all I have to say right now."

[A different kind of approach]

"I need to pee, Raz, so, what's the safe passage code for Bruno because I'm not squatting behind the barn, hmm sweetie?"

"The moon is blue and the dog barks at midnight, that's the code, Maria."

"Really? Just when I thought you couldn't get any weirder, I mean, cuter, so?"

"Tee he, it's not public, but girls get a free pass, so."

[A mingling stroll, eyes on a swivel, sipping beer, lurks towards pole barn open door frame]

"You're a prissy little missy if I ever saw a prissy little missy."

"So? Because I am who I am and you are who you are and I'm glad that I hardly know you, so?"

"Oh, but you do know me because you know Tim Timbers and Tim Timbers is my left-hand man, so?"

"Oh, well, who is your right-hand man then because Tim Timbers thinks we have a history, so?"

"Oh, Bob Bobbins is my right-hand man, but I don't think you know Bob Bobbins, so?"

"Oh, because I do know Bob Bobbins and I know that Bob Bobbins grew into a handsome man, so?"

"I mean, do you have a history with Tim Timbers then because I should know about that, so?"

"I mean, I still don't know you well enough, so, that's private, so?"

"I mean, I'm Kirk Kirkland and now you know who I am, so?"

"I mean, Kirk Kirkland, take whatever Tim Timbers has said, divide it in half, add one and then multiple it by 0.67 and that's the truth, so?"

"OMFG, you got into a river boat with my left-hand man Tim Timbers? That was stupid of you and now I don't I want to know you, so, I'm moving then."

[A mingling stroll, eyes on a swivel, sipping beer, lurks towards pole barn open door frame]

"Ahem, I was on that boat dock that night and your math was a little off, Raz, so?"

"Oh, and you can shut it, Ken Kendle, unless you're saying I'm the only person on the planet to have ever made a mistake, so?"

"No, no, no, I'm just saying that by now, Kirk Kirkland has texted with Bob Bobbins, who probably already has texted with Tim Timbers and I foresee a math based "he said, he-she said" battle in your future because..."

[Ping, a "are you talking math smack" incoming text]

"R U talking math smack about me, Raz?"

[Weep, a soothing response outgoing text]

"I said it in Ur favor, TT!"

"Tee he, I'm not one to say I told you so, Raz, but when..."

"Shut it, Ken Kendle and mingle along!"

"Yes, Chef!"

[Ping, a "hah, because I'm the man" response text]

"Good, because I wrecked U, Raz!"

[Weep, an outgoing "the truth is out there" response text]

"Ooh, baby, ooh, baby, ooh, baby!"

Woo, woo, Tim Timbers got lucky with me once, woo, woo. And he wrecked nothing. But he got what he wanted.

[A mingling stroll, eyes on a swivel, sipping beer, lurks towards pole barn open door frame]

"I mean, we're side fags and there are only three of us, so what?"

"And the Cottonwood Street alley is just around the corner towards town, so?"

"But we want it clean, smooth and pretty, so?"

"I'll take the compliment and then you and your fellow side fags can mingle move on, idiots."

[A mingling stroll, eyes on a swivel, sipping beer, lurks towards pole barn open door frame]

"We hooked up at Brad's graduation party, so?"

No comment, folks, but "hooked up" was an over statement.

"You bit my lower lip, Raz!"

LOL, I did do that.

"And then you screamed like a little girl, Fred Fredericks, so?"

"I was almost bleeding, Raz!"

"And you revealed our location, Fred Fredericks! To everyone!"

There's nothing like being surrounded by about a bazillion school mates halfway into a make out session behind a garage, right?

[A mingling stroll, eyes on a swivel, sipping beer, lurks towards pole barn open door frame]

"Um, I'm waving the white flag, Raz because I may or may not have been a tad aggressive with you that one time, so?"

"Oh, Jack Jackson, um, you can put the white flag away because I may or may not have been in mood to succumb to your advances that one time, but not tonight because I'm actually thinking about going into work for a couple of hours to you know, get away from all this, so?"

"Wait, is succumbing to my advances just about the same as I successfully seduced you, huh?"

"Um, Jack Jackson, I think they are just about the same, but that was then and this is now, so, mingle along then, Jack Jackson."

"(So, you're saying there is still a chance then tee he.)"

Who created that saying anyways, hmm, folks? But they also say that you never say never, right?

[A mingling stroll, eyes on a swivel, sipping beer, lurks towards pole barn open door frame]

"I said that I would be back, Raz and here I am, so?"

"And I expected nothing less from you, Carl Carleton, but I already exhaled my bated breath, so?"

"OMFG! No wonder people say that, well, never mind because..."

I may or may not have a touch of attitude sometimes, folks, so what?

"Because my amazing offer is for you to get a break from, you know, all this and a safe break since I order from the traditional menu and offer you a 30 minutes break, so?"

"Oh, um, I'm going to need a little more information than that, Carl Carleton because the last time someone offered me an amazing 30 minutes, it turned out that a certain person was trying to break me in, so? Also, Willy Williams was not successful with that."

Ahem another rumor, folks, just another rumor. And I mean it this time.

"Well, here's my gimmick, I mean, here's my idea, Raz because since you work part time at the Right Side Up Frosty Frozen Freeze Shop, then you know that they are serving Zesty Zen Zebra beverages this week and this week only, so, as a break from all this, I'll ride you up there and Zesty Zen Zebra zippy zap bring you back, free and clear, so?"

Rats! Because I already said that I was thinking about putting in a couple of hours anyways to relief Rita.

Wait.

"OMG, Carl Carleton, you just want to ogle at Rita's cleavage as she leans out of the service window and hands off our beverages!"

"Um, is that illegal, um, Raz? I get a something and you get a break from being fag hit on and a Zesty Zen Zebra beverage, not to mention, a hitting on free ride, so?"

Rats! Stupid guys with perfectly legit reasons!

Well, I would be able to hold up the pole barn doors so much better with a cold Zesty Zen Zebra beverage in my hand, so.

"You're not going to make a play on me, Carl Carleton, hmm?"

"Look, Chef Raz, you have a great little body and I'm sure that you can serve it up, but I swear it, I order from the more traditional menu, so?"

Wow, that actually wasn't too bad of a response, right? But I could tell that he dreamt about Rita, so.

"Well, I can't complain about a 20 minutes break from, you know, all this holding up of the pole barn doors and all, Carl Carleton, but I have to grab a couple of things from my bedroom and you can wait for me in truck and I'll be right out, so?"

LOL, straight8 guys who order from the more traditional menu, right? He so wanted an invite into my bedroom to check out the back page of the menu, but, nope! He's straight8, right? Tee he.

"You leaving, boss?"

"I am, Bruno, is everything okay in here?"

"It is for now, Raz, but you know that Chuck has announced that this party turns into a "Tits for Tats" party at 11pm sharp, right?"

"And you have my support to get some tits for your tats, Bruno, um, in the laundry room, so?"

You know, folks, aren't tits and tats kind of the same thing, hmm?

"It's a pleasure working for you, Raz and I'm pretty sure that tit for tat mean something like give it as good as you get it, so?"

"Oh, well then Bruno, um, damn, I had that all wrong, again, but keep a lid on things, so, bye!"

Fine, but I still didn't know what that meant in terms of a party, so.

"Well, the girls need a changing room and that's the laundry room, Raz, so?"

Well, I picked a bad day to volunteer to relief Rita then. And my bedroom had a keypad lock on it, so, whatever.

"Oh, then I hope you see a lot tits and tats tonight, Bruno, so, bye."

"It's a pleasure bouncing for you, Raz!"

Hah! Bouncing titties!

[A SUV door opens and closes]

"Okay, Carl Carleton, I'm ready to go, so?"

[Vroom, vroom, vroom, wait, what's happening in the passenger seat?]

Well, I had to change and that's why I ran inside and grabbed my little duffle bag, so.

[Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, the shorts are off, un-button, un-button, un-button, un-button, release the Chef jacket, pause while just in undies to let Carl Carleton get a look, pause once more because his look validated the body, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, the long work pants are up and the pull over work shirt and visor were easy]

"Bah, bah, bah..."

"Whew, that was a first for me, Carl Carleton because anyone else, who wasn't totally straight8, would have taken advantage of that! And thanks for the eye glaze validation of my body, Carl Carleton, but never repeat that because it's on page one of the playbook that I'm not supposed to say that about being validated, but, um, I turned out alright, right Carl Carleton?"

"Bah, bah, bah..."

[Vroom into the drive-through service line of the Right Side Up Frosty Frozen Freeze Shop]

"And this is on page two of the playbook, Carl Carleton, for side fags, so, it will be okay between us then, right?"

[OMG, a doggie crawl across Carl Carleton's lap to speak into the squawky ordering system. And where did those supporting hands end up, huh?]

"[Squeak, squawk] welcome to the Right Side Up Frosty Frozen Freeze Shop, this is Rita, so how can I help you tonight and jazz it up good because I'm stuck working on a Saturday night just because one of my co-workers refused to cover my shift, especially when it just started trending that the sports mixer is becoming a Tits for Tats party in an hour and a half and I'm wasting a perfectly good red lace bra, so?"

You know, folks, the Right Side Up Frosty Frozen Freeze Shops mission statement says to be spunky, but the statement just doesn't quite read like that.

"[Braced over Carl Carleton's straight8 lap] I would like one under the counter Frosty for my..."

"[Squeak, squawk] OMFG, I get it, you're on a boyfriend date while I'm stuck here pulling my hair out of the rear of my visor as best as I can because some guys like it like that and speaking through this stupid headset and listening to people carry on and on about their Saturday night dates, especially since the "V" cut in my work shirt is to small to flash my new red lace bra when I lean out of the service window, so, I get it, you're on a boyfriend date and I'm not!"

Nope, the mission statement just doesn't read "spunky" like that.

"[Grip braces down on straight8, Carl Carleton because he can handle that, right?] OMG, Rita, it's me, Raz and I would like one under the counter Frosty for my 12 minutes ride and drive date boyfriend and that can be a double because my straight8 boyfriend has been really good and only peeked at me when I stripped basically naked in his truck to change into my work clothes and a tray full of Zesty Zen Zebra Frosty's for my female party guests and one for me, ready on the counter, all with bendy straws, so?"

[Unzips Carl Carleton's cargo pants to relief the pressure.]

"[Squeak, squawk] oh, well, um, please pull forward, like all the way across the street and snatch a metal fork from the Double Dipped, Double Twirled Frozen Frosty Freeze shop and bring it back to me so I can stab you in the thigh, Raz! Or for short, get your fu..."

Well., Carl Carleton pulled up before Rita could finish her squeaky, squawky rambling, so.

"Tee he, pull over into the waiting parking spot, Carl Carleton and park it."

"Um, what just happened here, Raz?"

"Oh, did you want me to cancel our order then, Carl Carleton, hmm?"

"Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, um..."

"Tee he, then zip up your pants, Carl Carleton, but she not be your date. Her boobs will bounce all the way back to the party, but that's all you asked for anyways and now you owe me one, so, zip up because Rita will be here in..."

[Crash, smack, a headset is flung through the open passenger window and smacks off of the inside of the windshield]

"Ouch!"

[And Rita stabs Raz in the thigh with a plastic fork, but Raz just changed into long work pants so, it was just a crybaby thing]

"Hi, Carl Carleton, do you understand that you're not my boyfriend date for tonight, hmm?"

"(And happy about that!) Um, I understand, Rita."

"Well, okay then, um, I need to change shirts for a Tits Out, Tats Out" party, Ra, so, what's the keypad code for your bedroom door, hmm?"

"Oh, it's 29283QTQT7263973KJK2823, enter, Rita, so?"

"Oh, so, it's 20 for your age and QT for your face and 03 for your size then, hmm?"

Well, yeah. But in my defense, folks..."

"Ahem, you have customers waiting, Raz and OMG, be nice to them like I always am!"

Huh, the mission statement does say that.

[LOL, the small backpack is flung out of the window as Carl Carleton's truck vrooms away]

"[Beep, beep] hold please because I can't handle this, [beep, beep] hold please because I can't handle this, [beep, beep] hold please because I can't handle this, hold please because I can't handle this, [beep, beep], hold please, OMG, OMG, Raz, Raz, switch your headset to channel 3 because I can't handle this!"

Bosses, right? They are the boss because they can't handle the work.

"Welcome to the Right Side Up Frosty Frozen Freeze Shop, this is Raz and I kiss forward with some guys, but they only half kiss back, so, how may I help you? Mm, mm, mm, mm, please pull forward as soon as you can."

[Order submitted as smooth as the Frosty Frozen Freeze treats are]

"Welcome to the Right Side Up Frosty Frozen Freeze Shop, this is Raz and I recently found out that being pinned to a wall between two arms could be fun, so, how may I help you? Mm, mm, mm, mm, please pull forward as soon as you can."

[Order submitted as smooth as the Frosty Frozen Freeze treats are, again]

"Welcome to the Right Side Up Frosty Frozen Freeze Shop, this is Raz and it's totally legit for your wife to wear a bra two sizes too small to a Mrs. Bentley fund raiser, to pump things up, so, how may I help you? Mm, mm, mm, mm, please pull forward as soon as you can."

[Order submitted as smooth as the Frosty Frozen Freeze treats are, again, again]

"Welcome to the Right Side Up Frosty Frozen Freeze Shop, this is Raz and it's not my fault that I can't produce a deep "V" while leaning out of the service window, so, how may I help you? Mm, mm, mm, mm, please pull forward as soon as you can."

[Why can't the boss handle this?]

Seriously, it's really simple, it's hello, here's some info you didn't ask for, thank you, please pull up!

"Welcome to the Right Side Up Frosty Frozen Freeze Shop, this is Raz and it's just a rumor that there is trending Tits for Tats mixer at my place because why would I be at work if that was true, so, how may I help you? Mm, mm, mm, mm, please pull forward as soon as you can."

[I'm a smooth operator...]

"Welcome to the Right Side Up Frosty Frozen Freeze Shop, this is Raz and I went through a tease phase and then another tease phase, but I'm settling down now, but I'm careful about things, so, how may I help you? Mm, mm, mm, mm, please pull forward as soon as you can."

See? It's that easy.

[Squirts everywhere, fizz, squirts in the air, fizz, squirt, blast, grr, grr, grr, squirt, hits the ceiling]

"Raz, I can't handle the machines either! Tee he, and I left a wet spot blast on the rear of your work pants without the fun!"

Yep, bosses be assholes.

[Slush, grr, grr, twist, done. Slush, grr, grr, twist, done. Slush, grr, grr, twist, done. Slush, grr, grr, twist, done.]