Rebirth

I should have opened and read the last section of the private investigator's report. If I had, I would have learned two things: (i) Lisa did not know that I had been released from prison; and (ii) Mary and Jon had been told by Lisa and their adoptive father, Christopher, that I had died when they were toddlers. They had known they were adopted, but they knew nothing about the steps that had made them available for adoption when Lisa remarried. Unwittingly, I'd detonated a bomb in the middle of their family.

Christopher and Lisa's attorney was first to respond. He called Michael, asking him in no uncertain terms what his client was doing. Michael explained that I wanted the right to see my children, something prohibited by the current restraining order. I'm not sure that their attorney clearly grasped the full picture, as he then asked how I was planning on doing that from a prison over one thousand miles away. Michael simply noted that I was no longer a prisoner; in fact, I had been completely exonerated and released more than a year ago. There was a stunned silence on the other end of the line. Then the attorney told Michael he'd speak with his clients and be in touch.

Mary and Jon took a bit longer to respond. I later learned that they had confronted their parents after receiving the petition and asked them what was going on. How could their dead father be seeking relief from a restraining order. Lisa and Christopher justified their untruth about my death by noting that at the time they'd told it, I was serving time for a double murder and was never going to be released from prison. The decisions to change their names to Lisa's maiden name, terminate my parental rights, and have Christopher adopt them all were made with the idea of protecting them from being associated with a murderer. And it had worked, they claimed. No one connected Mary and Jon with the murderer Matthew Houston. And Christopher had been a loving and engaged father to them all their lives. At this point, I was later told, the conversation got more than a bit heated. Mary and Jon asked their parents what other lies they'd been fed over the years they were being raised. The conversation deteriorated from there and Mary and Jon had both stormed out of their parents' house.

Despite the old adage that any lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client and a bigger fool for a lawyer, Mary entered an appearance on behalf of herself and Jon and filed an answer consenting to the lifting of the restraining order on behalf of the two of them. She then called Michael and asked if he would arrange a meeting between the two of them and me. When Michael asked me what I thought, I said I was willing, but wanted Toni there as well for moral support. The kids both agreed.

A few days later, we met in a conference room in Michael's offices. Michael introduced Toni and me to Mary and Jon, then left the room so we could speak candidly. As expected, the conversation was a bit awkward at first. The kids wanted to know what had happened and so I recited the whole sorry tale of woe in detail. When I mentioned the letters I'd written to them, they asked whether I still had them and if they could read them. I told them there were more than 500 of them, filed by date in several three-ring binders in my apartment. I would be happy to let them see them and copy them. They asked why I had waited so long to reach out to them after being released and I told them that I had not known where they were or even what they were named and explained in some detail my fears that I would be rejected. Toni had taken my hand at that point, which both noticed. They asked who Toni was and I said she was my girlfriend. They seemed to accept that without comment.

I then asked about their mother and how she had taken the news that I was free and exonerated. They told me of the heated session they had with Lisa and Christopher and the strains that discovering their parents' lie had placed on the parent-child relationship. I asked them not to blame Lisa or Christopher for what they had done nor to let it interfere with what had previously been a solid parent-child bond, specifically pointing out my firsthand experience of how painful it was to lose a child's love. Their actions, I noted, were done with best intentions, based upon the only information available at the time the decision to conceal my continued existence was made. Mary and Jon promised to consider my request and speak again with their parents. I gave them both my address and telephone number and asked them to feel free to call or visit once they had time to digest what we had discussed. I also promised to have copies of the letters made for each of them so they could peruse them at their leisure.

After they left, Michael came back into the room to ask how the meeting had gone. Toni and I both confirmed that it had gone more smoothly than we had expected. There was a distinct possibility that I might have some sort of ongoing relationship with my children after all. Toni was still holding my hand, which Michael noted, leading him to ask, "So what's going on between the two of you. Toni indicated that you were a friend. The kids have told me that their mother is dating someone, but they've not met him." Looking at me, he added, "Are you two just friends or are you dating?"

I replied, "As you have probably figured out, I have a lot of issues that I need to work through, given the experiences of the last twenty-some years. I met Toni at a gym and we've formed a bond. We have been spending time together and you could fairly say that we are in a relationship. It's fragile and a bit tentative, but we think we love each other and we're working our way toward something more solid or even permanent. Because of my history of loss and the emotions that loss raises, I've kept away from meeting your children. I didn't want them to form any kind of connection with me if the one between Toni and me didn't last. After what happened here today, if you have no objection and Toni consents, I'd like to meet Bobbi and James and begin to get to know them. I'm thinking maybe going to one of their soccer games would be a good start. I never got to see Mary or Jon play and I would enjoy watching the game for its own sake. Besides, if I'm going to be part of Toni's life on a long-term basis, I need to build a relationship with Bobbi and James. I'm not trying to replace you as a father, but I wouldn't mind being thought of by them as a favorite uncle. If you think it's ok, something like that seems to be a good way to meet them in a neutral environment."

Michael said he would be fine with my meeting his children and endorsed the idea of doing it at the soccer game. Toni then thanked him for all he'd done and excused herself to powder her nose. After she left, Michael looked at me and said, "I know I'm not her husband anymore and I deserved to lose her for the affair. But Toni remains a woman I loved and still have strong feelings for. She's the mother of my children. You seem to love her, and she clearly loves you. But you need to understand that if you hurt her or break her heart, I will hurt you in ways you can't imagine. I know people in this town and several of them owe me favors. I'll gladly call them in and make your life painful and short if you don't treat her the way she deserves to be treated." And with that, he shook my hand and walked out of the room.

The next Saturday found me standing on the sidelines of the local soccer field. The 5- and 6-year-old teams were a hoot to watch. Basically, it was a goalie at each end of the field and a mob of players clustered around the soccer ball, which occasionally squirted out the edge of the group, resulting in a stampede of little children chasing it. Bobbi's team of 7- and 8-year-olds had a better grasp of the game. They played positions and passed the ball. Although I had no real standard for comparison, I thought they seemed quite good for only playing a couple of years.

I spent most of the time on the sidelines holding Toni's hand. The other parents gave us some "who's that" looks but generally seemed to accept that Toni might have found someone. When the games ended, Toni introduced me to Bobbi and James. I knelt down, shook each of their hands and told them I was very glad to meet them. Then I said, "I know you've just met me, but I've known your mommy for a while. I'd like to be her boyfriend. Would that be OK with you?"

James simply said yes and ran off to get his post-game drink and cookie. Bobbi was slower to respond. Then she looked at her mother, turned her head to me, and said, "I think you already are and have been for a while." With that she ran off as well. We're going to have to watch out for that little girl. She's way too perceptive for a child her age.

I had copied the volumes of letters and sent them to Mary and Jon. About a month later, they called me and asked if they could sit down with me to discuss them in more detail. I suggested we meet for supper, then asked them to bring their significant others. Toni offered to host at her house on a weekend when the kids were with Michael. I truly enjoyed meeting Mary's husband and Jon's girlfriend Mary and her husband were clearly in love. Jon was obviously besotted with his girlfriend, as was she with him. I asked how their relationship with Christopher and Lisa was faring. To my chagrin, in spite of their earlier promise to me, neither Mary nor Jon had spoken to their parents since our first meeting in Michael's offices.

I rather forcefully said to the two of them, "Come with me! Now!" Then I conducted them into Toni's home office and closed the door.

"Sit, both of you. Listen to me. What you are doing isn't right. Lisa is your mother. Christopher has been your father in every respect except biologically for over twenty years. They both love you dearly. What they did, they did to try to protect you. It turns out now that it was a mistake, but they couldn't have known that at the time and the odds of my ever being available to reenter your lives were infinitesimal when they did it. I'll admit that they hurt me badly. I'm not sure I'll ever get over the pain of losing you two for so long. I can't begin to express my joy having you back in my life. But you cannot make it up to me by punishing your parents. I would rather lose you again than have me be the cause of a breakdown in the relationship between you two and them. If you don't give them another chance, they will experience the same pain and sense of loss that I experienced. From firsthand experience, I'll tell you that no one, no matter what they've done, deserves to experience that pain. So, for me, if not for them, won't you please forgive them."

When I finished, Mary was crying, and Jon was teary-eyed. They did do what I asked. I got a long letter from Lisa a week later thanking me for helping restore her and Christopher's relationship with the kids and expressing her profound sorrow at how she had acted in severing my connection to them. We weren't ever going to be friends, but since the kids insisted on having me back in their lives, we were going to encounter each other from time to time at family gatherings and we would be able to be civil to one another.

The week following my introduction to Bobbi and James, Toni and I finally consummated our relationship for the first time. I'd like to say that it was all fireworks and skyrockets in flight. In fact, it was probably a lot closer to two 18-year-olds fumbling for the first time in the back seat of a car. Toni had been celibate for three years and I for over two decades. That long a layoff is not a recipe for immediate professional level performance. The good news is that, unlike the 18-year-olds, we were willing to analyze what we were doing, work on improving our performance, and had lots of opportunities for practice. And, like many other things, performance did improve with practice, in our case rather spectacularly.

At my request, Toni patched things up with Molly and we all returned to Saturday morning yoga classes. Once Toni and I became a couple, I got included in the social circle that was the five yoga women and their husbands. I became friendly with all the husbands, but most of all with George. Molly and I made peace, but I've noticed that she's never one of women next to me in a yoga class and is still a bit skittish when we're together in social settings. I guess she really believed me when I blew a gasket.

Because I was still living off my investments, I was able to spend a lot of time after school with Bobbi and James. Toni signed James up for t-ball, so we spent a lot of time practicing hitting the ball off the t and playing catch. Michael's wife went into labor the afternoon of Bobbi's father-daughter dance, so I was a last-minute substitute. I am pretty sure I was the most emotional "father" on the dance floor that night.

My story must have made an impression on Michael. He's far more engaged with Bobbi and James than he was when he was married to Toni. I'm told he's also far more attentive to his current wife and baby than he ever was to Toni. I'm happy that he's learned something from my experiences and will always be grateful to him for his assistance in allowing me to reconnect with Mary and Jon. I'll never tell him or Toni this, but I'm also grateful to him for screwing up his marriage to Toni, which ended up making her available to me.

Six months after first meeting Bobbi and James, I was playing "soccer dad" on one of those rare occasions when Toni was unable to take the kids to their games on her weekend to have them. After their games finished, I took them to the local fast-food emporium. We were sitting eating our meal, when Bobbi piped up. "Are you going to marry our mommy?"

"I'd very much like to. Would that be ok with the two of you?"

Bobbi went on, "Mommy is happy when you are with her. I think she loves you. We like you. You are fun to play with. And if you marry mommy, we would have two daddies and two mommies. That would be really neat."

"So," I replied, "if I ask your mommy to marry me and she says yes, you'd be ok with that?"

Both Bobbi and James said yes.

The following day, I went out and picked out a ring. That Saturday evening, I took Toni out to our favorite restaurant. We had a leisurely, delicious meal. Although we don't usually order dessert, I insisted on having one this evening. The waitress brought it out on a covered plate and when she removed the cover, she placed the plate with the ring down in front of Toni. I got down on my knees and asked her to be my wife. Her "Yes, yes, yes!!!" turned every head in the place and we got a round of applause from the other diners. That evening, we made love in three different rooms of the house, then collapsed. The following morning, before Michael returned the kids to us, we did it twice more. As I said, we'd gotten better with practice.

We married two months later. Jon was my best man and Molly was Toni's matron of honor. The attendees were the rest of the yoga women and their husbands, Michael and his wife, my counselor and her partner, Maureen and her husband and Maureen's dad and his wife. I invited Lisa and Christopher, who declined, as did my sister and brother. But my sister did send me a wonderful wedding gift. She was a scrapbooker and prepared a family scrapbook, with pictures and narratives going back to my grandparents and carrying on through the end of my parents' lives. It holds a place of honor next to the volumes of letters I wrote to Jon and Mary.

Seeing how much I valued the album my sister had prepared, for my birthday that year, Jon and Mary gave me a similar one detailing their lives from birth through when we reconnected. We spent hours going through the pictures, as they told the stories connected to each photo. I had missed so much of their lives, but this album allowed me to experience their growing up, at least vicariously.

Shortly before we were married, Toni asked me how I felt about having a child with her. She wanted us to share at least one, I definitely wanted one but was concerned that at almost 50, I was too old to start another family. We talked about it for a long time before deciding we'd try for one more. Toni stopped taking her birth control pills immediately after our wedding and ten months after we said "I do", she delivered twin boys. We named one Samuel, after the man who'd mentored me in prison, and the other William, after Toni's father.

I have truly lived two separate lives. One ended with prison, the other began after I met Toni. The first ended with everything that made a life meaningful stripped from me. Toni gave me a replacement for all of those things, plus made possible the reconnection with my children. With her, I am truly reborn. And I'm grateful for the second life every minute of every day.