Redd River 01

Redd River 01

[The Frosty Triple Tipped Twirly Shop front door chime jingle, jangle]

"Oh, this should be good then, tee he."

[Marge has her ear to the ground and her finger on the pulse on what's good and happening]

"Shut it, Marge."

[A guy, that guy, slowly approaches the Frosty Triple Tipped Twirly Shop service counter and slithers up to the service counter a few stools away]

"Excuse me (slurp), there is room next to me on my right and I actually have something nice to say about you and then I just remembered that I have another nice thing to say about you and we can clear the air immediately by saying that it's no secret that I'm not your type (slurp), so?"

[A guy, that guy, slides down the Frosty Triple Tipped Twirly Shop's service counter a couple of spots because that guy, erg, that guy is on a side mission anyways, so, OMG, that guy might as well hear what these two nice things are that are to be said about him because that guy is that kind of guy]

"[Crazy back and forth on a mission wandering eyes] um, hey, Redd River, so?"

[Here comes the first nice thing to be said]

"Did (slurp) you need a couple more fast eye glances, Duke? I have all night (slurp), so?"

[Um, maybe not just yet, so, as a time filler and the scene setting, both Redd River and Duke are at the service counter facing inward with their backs to the Strip. Well, one guy, erg, that one guy's back and one booty were to the Strip. This will be important later]

"[Just a couple more quick eyes glances because that guy heard permission] well, Evan said something and I wasn't exactly sure of what he was talking about, but I guess I know now since I accidently looked for myself, so, when..."

"Oh (slurp), it's about time you noticed that my neck is smooth now, Duke, especially since I had the tracheal shave surgery three weeks ago and even more especially since the full recovery time took three weeks and I pretty much stayed at home and out of site and lived by social media (slurp), so?"

[Even Marge is waiting for the nice stuff to begin. And she popped one button on her work blouse because she knows Duke has a crew and they might come inside to see what's taking Duke so long]

"[Huh, it actually looks nice] well, it suits you, Redd River and I think that..."

"Oh (slurp) and I think that you looked for longer than you should have, but I appreciate the review and that's not even one of the nice things that I have to say, Duke (slurp), so?"

[Drats! We thought we had it, but then we remember that, that guy was "that guy", so hold please]

"[People warned me against impossible conversations] um, maybe I should get..."

"(Slurp) get what, Duke? Get back to your crew, hmm? I mean, I'm within 3 hours of getting around to the good stuff (slurp), so?"

"(Coocoo, Coocoo, Coocoo)"

[All of the bazillion shops located on the Middleton Strip have very regimented protocols and processes and at the tone of the Coocoo clock, all inside customers spin around in place and face the other way, so, now, that guy and the one with the extremely smooth and sexy neck are facing the Strip, all without interrupting the conversation]

"(Slurp) fine, Duke, I'll jump ahead. I think it's hot that..."

[Marge heard that!]

"(Slurp) it's hot that you drink a cola, red, cola Frosty Triple Tipped Twirly because I never even thought of that flavor before, but (slurp) that's not the same as me saying that you're hot (slurp). I mean, you're hot in traditional sense, for sure, but I wouldn't want your crew to hear or know that I've said such a thing because I know that they would scorn you with blue fire, (slurp), so?"

"Um, blue fire, Redd River?"

"Oh (slurp), that's right, Duke, blue fire, like the type of fire that would start if my smooth and hairless body (slurp) were to mix it up with your normal man hair body, you know (slurp), blue fire, so?"

[Oh, Marge's ear is starting to turn purple! And her knees are shaking]

"(Gulp) Redd River, did you just use a different variation of your voice to say blue fire a couple of times just now, huh?"

"Oh (slurp), I mean, maybe I wanted to make it perfectly clear that my home extinguisher only puts out yellow and red fire (slurp), Duke, but I know that regular guys only hear what they want to want to hear, so, I just wanted it to sink into your head that I know what blue fire is (slurp), so?"

[Scene setting, OMG, Marge is panting and is searching for something in her apron pocket and that guy, that guy, Duke, tries to search the web for the pros and cons of sex death by blue fire, but searches anonymously because Redd River is not that guy's type]

"I mean, I've been here for a few minutes now, Redd River, so, um, maybe you could order a cola, red, cola Frosty Triple Tipped Twirly for me from Marge and you know, order it using your blue fire voice, I mean, if you want to, um, did we just take a step forward, huh?"

Well, I wasn't sure how to take his "use your blue fire voice since that could be interpreted a couple of different ways, right?

"Hah! (slurp), wouldn't your..."

"(Coocoo, Coocoo, Coocoo)"

[Two customers spin in place and face the other way, which is the original way now]

"(Slurp) wouldn't your crew have fun with that then, Duke (slurp), hmm? I mean (slurp), you (slurp) naked and me (slurp) naked, with my artificial sun light bronzed skin and your blue fire extinguisher going all "argh, spew, argh, spew, ooh, spew, ahh, spew, fire out" (slurp) in my bed, hmm, Duke?"

[Um, Marge is almost passing out and we're not sure if that was one of the two nice things to be said or just Friday night sexy flirting while showing off new and much smoother neck, so, stay tuned]

"Anyways (slurp) Duke, we're getting off track (slurp), so..."

"(Tee he, I called it! This is getting good!) Ahem [slam], one cola, red, cola Frosty Triple Tipped Twirly in my 40-something horny middled aged voice, D.U.K.E! Text your crew!"

Tee he, so not the same, so not the same.

[Oh, the train is so far off track that search and rescue might have to be called in!]

"Ahem (slurp), anyways, Duke, we're getting off track and I wanted to get around to my original purpose for luring you inside of the Frosty Triple Tipped Twirly Shop and to move on to my other nice thing that I have to say to you, so, here goes (slurp), Duke."

[Pause while that guy, ugh, that guy, Duke composes himself from seeing Marge pant with a scary smirk on her face and from thinking about artificially bronzed skin naked in a bed because it is possible that sex is sex no matter of a couple of other things]

"(Coocoo, Coocoo, Coocoo)"

[Two customers spin in place and face the other way, facing the Strip again through the shop window]

"(Slurp) and I promise that I'm not making fun here, Duke (slurp), but I know about your secret about you being a vampire hunter since the suffix "teen" was tagged to your age way back when and I'm here saying nicely that I support that and I'll be the first one to tell Gale Storms of TV3 News that it was no fluke when you finally capture a vampire and I'll even tempt your captured vampire to death with my new and improved smooth neck (slurp), so?"

[Snap! That secret reveal was so unexpected that, ugh, that guy, almost lost his boner. But then he went back into a trance after gazing again at Redd River's new and improved smooth neck and the boner came back. They always come back. It's like guys have a switch or something.]

"And, and, and, on a live broadcast with Gale Storms of TV3 News, I mean, I would make your captured vampire confess to the world how in all of the books and in all of the TV shows and movies, they all have ice cold skin and their veins run ice cold, yet they enjoy healthy sex lives, which is fine, but, Duke, the world needs to know how they have or share a heat of the moment thing when everything is ice cold, I mean, we need to know about that (slurp), Duke and I would threaten your captured vampire to spill the tea with a torch of blue fire to force him to confess! Or her, either way. And I hope she wears purple if your captured vampire is a lady vampire (slurp)."

[Oh, see, it always comes back]

[Also, hah, that guy then, that guy has the nerve to flex over Redd River! Hah!]

"Ahem, and some secrets were always meant to be secrets or they are not secrets, Redd River."

"Oh (slurp), like how it was to remain a secret that you wrote my name on Silicone Sarah last..."

[Call EMS! That guy passed out from too many secret reveals! But to finish the secret, I mean, that guy wrote "Redd River" across Silicone Sarah's booty checks with a Sharpie!]

[Which Redd River nearly took as a compliment, like a tie in that guy's favor, but only because that Sarah bitch actually got some!]

[The Frosty Triple Tipped Twirly Shop front door chime bangs jingle, jangle, jingle, jangle!]

"(Wheeze, huff, puff, wheeze) Redd River, Redd River, I got your 999 Emergency text just two seconds ago and I came as fast as I could and OMFG, Duke passed out? Also, the neck is looking hey there, hey good Redd River, I mean, OMFG, our crew leader is passed out on the floor!"

"Evan, shut it and help me get this guy up from being passed out and onto a stool!"

"(Coocoo, Coocoo, Coocoo)"

[Two customers spin in place and face the other way and that includes pinwheel spinning the flat on his back passed out guy, that guy, while passed out spread eagle on the floor, which puts Evan's back to the Strip via the window, Redd River's booty to the Strip via the window and that guy's feet to the Strip. It's all a very regimented process]

"[Plop onto service counter stool with back to window] there, Duke will be fine and I'm pretty darn sure that I just tossed out a hey there, hey your way, Redd River and all social protocols dictate that you must respond, so?"

[Maybe in another time or place]

"[Quick smooch] I have another (slurp) thing to talk to this guy about, Evan, so, go help Marge take the trash out of the back door in the alley or something (slurp), so, get!"

[Huh, that didn't take much! From either of them!]

"(Slurp) blue fire (slurp)."

"[Grumble, mumble, grumble back awake] what happened? I heard a fire truck! Wait, oh, hey..."

"(Slurp) shush, Duke and this is as far as it goes (slurp) before you go back to being "that guy" as soon as we finish a quick make out session!"

[Huh, again, that didn't take much! Again, from either of them!]

[Mwah, ummah, mwah, smooch, lip smack, lip lock, mwah, ah, rub, rub, mwah, ah, oops, ahh, ahh]

"Oh, so then, Redd River, your neck is healed enough to..."

"(Slurp) ah-hah, ah-hah, ah-hah, Duke, baby steps! But I might kiss it a couple of times, oops, I mean, shut it and listen to my main purpose of luring you in here in the first place! Besides, the Frosty Triple Tipped Twirly Shop is no place to have sex (slurp)!"

[A muffled "bang my blue fire, stud, Evan, bash my head against the rear door jamb and put out my burning needs for your blue fire extinguisher" sounds of sex in the Frosty Triple Tipped Twirly Shop]

LOL, so not the same! But good for Marge! But maybe not good for the rear door frame.

"Alright (slurp), that guy, it's time to get down to business and it's totally legit."

[Fun fact, the percentage is actually pretty low about being totally legit when someone says it's totally legit]

"(Slurp), I have advance info that my Uncle Tipper is looking to upgrade his hot rod auto parts swap meet business partner and it seems to me that you would be a good fit for that position (slurp) and haven't you ever wondered about going sideways once in a while (slurp), hmm, Duke?"

"Redd River, erg, stay on track! I mean, for now anyways because you did just capture my interest like I'm definitely going to capture a vampire some day and tee he, laugh when you threaten him or her with a torch of blue fire, but, ahem, but is Tipper's current partner retiring or something, Redd River, huh?"

"Oh (slurp), Uncle Tipper's partner, Bert, got caught cheating too many times and you know, the pissed off wife set him on fire with blue fire (slurp) and since they don't make (slurp) fire extinguishers to put out blue fire, I mean, you can fill in the blanks from there (slurp), so?"

"That's it! We're having..."

"(Slurp) sit, Duke, you're still that guy to me, I mean, now you're that guy that I quick made out with, but we're not (slurp) there yet, so (slurp)..."

"But um, Redd River, I thought that Tipper, I mean, your Uncle Tipper wasn't exactly your biggest fan or something, so..."

"Oh (slurp), you're right about my Uncle Tipper not being my biggest fan, Duke and that's why we're speaking in secret and I'm definitely not going with you (slurp), but you might want pop into his shop real soon to inquire about his opening (slurp), so?"

"Um, I'll do that, Redd River, I'll do that tomorrow morning, um, so, are we???"

"Hah (slurp)! That's another way for you to get set on blue fire since your crew would flip out, especially since most of them have gathered in front of the Frosty Triple Tipped Twirly Shop's windows right now (slurp)! However, if you're successful with convincing my Uncle Tipper that you're the right car nut, um, gear head, for the job, I mean, if you want to celebrate later (slurp), I mean, maybe, just maybe, I'll join in with a 3-way with you and Silicone Sarah (slurp), so?"

[Guys pass out a lot, the end]

Well, I'm a little adventurous, so, what?

[The Frosty Triple Tipped Twirly Shop front door chime jingle, jangle from the inside]

"(Slurp) come on inside guys and grab your crew guy leader from being passed out on the floor and by the way, Duke is still "that guy" to me (slurp), so?"

"Tee he, you made him pass out, Redd River. Again!"

"Tee he, did you get new red short, shorts, Redd River?"

"Tee he, I never minded you wearing a choker before, Redd River, so, I hope..."

"(Coocoo, Coocoo, Coocoo)"

[It's a fury of spinning in place customers to the point of passing out from being dizzy!]

[And huh, Redd River spun dizzily into Brad's embrace, but only to double check on that choker comment]

"Really (slurp), Brad? And you never thought to say something nice like that before (slurp), hmm?"

[Maybe Brad deserves to be "that guy" now because those words were always simple to say]

"Really (slurp) then, Brad? Do you think that you can just back step walk us into the Men's room of the Frosty Triple Tipped Twirly Shop just because the other guys got that guy (slurp), hmm?"

[This is why all shops on the Strip all have trash cans on the inside of the building near the restroom hallways]

"(Slurp replaced with a worried gulp) Brad, hah!"

[When scared or in doubt, yeah, just yell out "hah" because, yeah, that works, not!]

"Aww, come on, Redd River, I've been your crush since forever ago, like way before that guy came along, so, show me how your pretty and smooth throat is deeper than that! Ahh, oh, ahh, oh, oh, oh, ooh, that's it, Redd River, Viva Le neck surgery!"

Well, shut it! Technically Brad was correct about being my, um, shut it!

End Redd River 01