Redemption Ch. 02

Oh god, what have I done? I've been doing so good at staying away from Alan. I thought we would be OK working alone together, but I was wrong. God, I want to die. Drew is going to leave me. My life will be over. I love my husband. I swear I do. I should have never told Marilyn I would work late editing that piece. Alan must not have known I was in the editing room or surely he wouldn't have come in tonight. At first, we talked. I thought things would be fine. Then he asked me if I'd had a chance to talk to Drew about seeing a fertility specialist like he'd advised. I told him about the fight Drew and I had had over it. I started crying, and Alan tried to comfort me. It felt so good to be held in his arms. He made me feel protected. It was stupid of me to lift my head from his chest. Stupid of me to kiss him back when his lips met mine. STUPID OF ME to let him peel me out of my clothes or to reach into his pants and feel his cock. Oh god. When he turned me around against the console, I'd had time to stop him. I'd felt his large cock pressing between my legs, felt it glide against the folds of my pussy. Even as he'd pressed his cock inside of me, I had time to stop him. I can't believe I let another man fuck me. And at work?!? I hate myself. What have I done? Oh god. What if I get pregnant? What if it's not Drew's baby?...

Drew doesn't seem to suspect that I am a cheating, lying whore. I tried to tell him about Alan and couldn't. He seems preoccupied with something. I hope it's just work. He gets so involved in his work that he can go days without even speaking to me. I just have to prove to him that I still love him. What else can I do but try to make it up to him?...

Marilyn sent me on an assignment today with Alan. I think I may have to quit my job after all. I've been doing so good avoiding him! He seemed to accept that the other night was a mistake. Or so I thought until he pulled the van over and forced me to listen as he insisted he loved me and wanted me to leave Drew for him. I told him I couldn't leave Drew. I told him I loved Drew, but Alan argued I had to have feelings for him too if I'd allowed myself to sleep with him. Is it true? Do I have feelings for Alan? Would it make me feel better if I did rather than knowing I'm simply a lust-filled whore willing to sleep with any man? Oh god. What does this mean?...

I've accepted that I can't stay away from Alan any longer. I was able to resist an entire month, doesn't that count for something? I still love my husband, but I just can't seem to resist Alan either. He came in on me in the editing room again this evening. I didn't realize everyone else had left until I felt his hands slide around my waist from behind and saw that he'd shut and locked the door. I said nothing. 'I've been thinking about you a lot, baby,' Alan had whispered in my ear. After a moment of playing with my breasts through my clothing, he'd reached under my dress and just ripped down my panty hose. "You don't need these," he said and lifted me up onto the edge of a table, facing him. He pulled them completely off, pushed my dress up around my waist and yanked my dainty little panties down. I was a little shocked at the suddenness of his assault, but I didn't utter a sound. I simply let Alan do as he wished. An excitement began building inside me again, anticipating his large, unfamilar cock. I knew he was going to fuck me again but couldn't seem to stop him. Part of me was scared, but I also wanted to feel that big cock inside of me again. Drew hadn't touched me in days. Drew, my poor, loving husband. What would he do if he knew that Alan had stepped out of his pants and pushed down his own underwear as he stood between my thighs. I'd looked at his massive cock already hard and ready for me. He spread my legs as I sat there on the edge of the desk, placed his cock right on my entrance and shoved it up inside me. He began fucking me, burying his cock deep with each stroke. Sliding my arms around his middle, I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of each thrust inside my body. I heard myself moan and whisper, "Oh, it's so good. It's so good." He went on for several minutes stuffing that hard cock into me as I moaned louder, 'Ohhhhhhhh, ohhhhhhhhhh, yeeeessss." I'm surprised no one caught us. I had lost all sense of reason as to what I was doing. At that moment, I didn't care that Alan could just be using me for a quick fuck. Drew could have walked in and I wouldn't have noticed. All that mattered was how good Alan's big cock felt sliding in and out of my hungry pussy. It didn't matter we were at work. I just sat with my legs spread letting this man who wasn't my husband push his cock inside me over and over again. It wasn't really that long before Alan buried himself deep inside me, held there, and started cumming. I swear I could feel his hard cock way up inside my body throbbing and throbbing as it spurted his seed in my womb. I'd always loved that feeling so deep inside me. My excitement set off my own orgasm and for the next couple of minutes I held Alan around the waist keeping him inside me. What if I got pregnant? I thought. Well, at least I would finally have the baby I'd always wanted. Drew wouldn't have to know it wasn't his. Right?...

**

I closed the journal, feeling anger stir my veins to a boil. That bitch. She'd planned to pass another man's kid off as mine? I sat for several seconds, trying to calm myself. Trying to remind myself I'd already divorced her. Reading her entries, which seem to grow in detail with each one, made me feel like everything was happening all over again. As if I'd caught Paige cheating only yesterday.

And I'd wanted this, why??

I forced several deep breaths, which erupted in a round of coughing that completely stole my energy. Oh right. I was looking for redemption here. Trying to use the truth to set both myself and Paige free. So, I reluctantly continued reading, skipping over a few more entries detailing their illicit fuck sessions after hours at the station, until I came to these.

**

I tried to end it with Alan today. It's wrong. I can't believe what I'm doing anymore. I love Drew, and I think a part of me loves Alan too, but I asked myself a very important question today. Which one could I live without? I absolutely could not live without Drew in my life. It would kill me. So I'm wondering if I love Alan at all, or just want to believe I do to explain my behavior? I've been on the pill, just in case, thank God I was smart enough for that. I'm not sure how Alan will react when I finally manage to end things, but I know it was stupid and wrong of me to even consider using him to have a child. I want any child I carry to be my husband's. I want it to be Drew's, or at least, with Drew's permission. And after the miserable way I gave in this afternoon after telling Alan I couldn't see him again, I know I must be safer about that. My God, what have I become? I let him fuck me in the car, where almost anyone could catch us. I'm wondering, though, if I can get pregnant? Lord knows between Drew and Alan, I've had plenty of chances. Alan was different today. More loving. He took his time, thrusting in and out of me slowly while looking deep into my eyes. I should have never allowed this to happen. I wish there was someone I could talk to about it.

**

A few more similar to that, and then...

**

Drew and I had a wonderful night together. I feel horrible because I was completely unaware his job was on such shaky ground. I'm a poor excuse for a wife. He deserves better. We went to dinner and talked -- talked in a way we haven't in a very long time. Once or twice, I came very close to telling him about Alan, but I couldn't stand the thought of risking my marriage with the truth. God, please let me set things straight. Making love to Drew tonight was so much better than any sex I've ever had with Alan. So much better. I know where I belong now. I know I have to end it. Eventually, I'll tell Drew the truth, but I need to show him again how much I love him before I do, so that hopefully he will give me a second chance....

I ended it with Alan today. He tried to seduce me again, but I resisted. I actually resisted! He's not speaking to me, which I know is for the best. I'm looking at career ads to see where else I can apply. I love my job, but I love Drew more....

Alan cornered me today outside of the van and told me again that he loved me and that Drew was a bastard who didn't appreciate what he had. I got so angry. I was the one who hadn't appreciated what I had had in Drew. We started shouting at each other. Someone called the cops. I don't know who, but the whole thing scared me. ...

I don't know what to do about Alan. Today he tugged on my heartstrings by begging Marilyn to film a piece on a young cancer patient in desperate need of donations for her medical treatment. While filming, I noticed how calm and good he was with the little girl. Afterward, he asked me if I'd sleep with him one last time. He now knows I'm leaving the station. Marilyn told him I'd turned in my resignation letter. I told him no, but I can't stop thinking that I owe him one last time. He's not a bad guy. But I don't want to do anything else to hurt Drew. I hate being so torn. I'm trying to stay faithful to my marriage now, but I'm tempted.

**

That was the next to last entry indicating she'd slept with Alan. The last one, of course, was written on the day I'd caught her cheating. It was full of self remorse and pain over the hurt she'd seen in my eyes. She knew she'd lost me and even wrote that she wished she knew an easy way to kill herself. Guilt did funny things to a person, I supposed. Her reasoning for sleeping with him again was quite ridiculous, I thought. She said, "I looked into his eyes over lunch -- our farewell luncheon -- and felt such remorse for the way I'd used Alan that I decided I would give him one last afternoon. In my twisted mind, it was meant to be closure for both of us." Stupid woman. Couldn't she see that he'd been taking advantage of her, manipulating her, all along?

I closed the journal, saving the rest for later. I had read these entries looking for answers, and I had found plenty, but gained even more questions. I couldn't deny that if I'd been a better husband, Paige wouldn't have succumbed to Alan's advances. She carried most of the blame here, but not all of it.

I suddenly feel so confused. What am I supposed to do here? Forgive Paige for her sins and release myself of some at the same time, or politely give her back the journals and send her on her way again?

Is this story I'm telling really meant to be about finding my own redemption -- or is its purpose for me to help Paige find hers before I die?

I wish I knew.