Reflection

But the void calling me wasn't a fall to my death. It was...never mind. It wasn't important.

Suddenly I felt tired and anxious. If my muscles gave out that was probably a good sign it was time to quit. I hurried to the locker room so I could grab my things and leave.

*****

A few days later I was sitting on a couch in a campus common area playing with my phone when I looked up and felt like I got hit by a bus.

Cam, the Cam from my dream, was standing on the other side of the room.

No, that wasn't possible. Cam was someone my brain created. He wasn't real.

But...he had to be. I was looking at him right now.

I stood up and slowly approached, trying to get a closer look. Surely my mind was just playing tricks on me.

No, it wasn't. Somehow, I was able to clearly remember what that boy from my dream looked like and the person I was looking at was an exact match. He was the same height. He had the same bleach-blond hair. He had the same cute, boyish face.

My mind scrambled to try to come up with some kind of explanation. Maybe I saw him before and my brain subconsciously filed him away without me realizing it. Then, when I consciously forgot him, my subconscious used his image in that weird dream.

It sounded so far-fetched, but nothing else made sense. I was in the process of convincing myself that it was the only logical explanation when Cam looked over at me and I saw recognition in his eyes.

"Terri?"

My mind completely shut off. There wasn't a single thought in my head, my body acted on pure reflex.

I turned around and ran away as fast as I could.

My legs kept running, not caring where they took me as long as it was far, far away from the boy that had been living rent-free in my head for over a week.

After swimming and working out for years I had developed pretty good stamina. I could keep up a jog for a while, but I was at a dead sprint. A minute or two later the reality of the situation was able to overtake my adrenaline and I had to stop running.

My head was spinning, I could hardly breathe, and my legs felt wobbly and weak. I could tell it wasn't just from the running, either. I was drowning in my own anxiety.

Suddenly I felt a lurch in my stomach. Frantically I looked around and rushed into a nearby bathroom. I had just locked the stall door and turned to face the toilet when I felt my nausea bubble up and I puked right into the toilet bowl.

Even though it was probably less than a minute, it felt like I spent an hour kneeling on the dirty bathroom floor, panting over the toilet I had just thrown up in.

How did this happen? Why was this where my life had led me?

Vomiting had forced a few tears out already, but I felt more well up. I was about to start crying.

Trying to maintain even a shred of dignity I flushed the toilet and sat down on it before I started really sobbing, and it was harder than I had cried in a long time. I had no idea what I was even crying about, but I couldn't stop.

After God knows how long I finally calmed down, my face still buried in my hands.

There was nothing I could do to explain what had happened.

Even if my highly implausible theory about my mind keeping a memory hidden from the rest of me was true, I knew that I had never met that guy before. But when he looked at me he recognized me. And when he said my name it sounded just like he did in that dream when he called me Terri.

Not Terry. He called me Terri, the name of the fearsome gay man who had made out with him that night. And Terri somehow had my face.

It wasn't possible. It didn't happen. That's not who I am.

I wasn't some cocky playboy. And I wasn't gay.

But despite all those facts, the events seemed so vivid. Was it possible that they happened somehow?

I tried to think back to the day this encounter would have happened. The timelines didn't match up. I go to bed around 10 PM every weeknight.

Then it occurred to me that maybe it was important that Terri came out of my dorm after I had fallen asleep. Did I sleepwalk? No, that wasn't the case. Luka would sleepwalk sometimes and he'd be completely incoherent. Terri was mentally present when he did what he did with Cam. Did I do an astral projection or some kooky shit like that? There was no explanation I could come up with that wasn't some mystical hocus-pocus.

Unless...

Unless it really was me. Maybe I really had done those things and then somehow made myself forget...

No.

I would never do that.

I looked at the time on my phone and saw that I was forty minutes late for the class I was waiting for when I saw Cam. I might as well not go at this point. Besides, if I went over there, I could run into Cam again.

I used some toilet paper to wipe my eyes before I stood and left to go to my dorm. I needed to lie down.

*****

For the next week I took an entirely different route to get to the class in the building I saw Cam in, out of fear of seeing him again. I never did, but I felt like the most paranoid idiot to have ever existed.

As the days went on it felt more and more like I was losing my mind. It was like I had a split personality, and that other personality would run off and do gay shit at every opportunity. My TikTok's For You page soon became flooded with boys who made videos to appeal to girls. Suddenly I was following a half-dozen male models on Instagram. One time I even woke up and saw that I had a hickey on my neck, and I had no idea where it came from.

It all took a toll on my mental health. Even if this somehow wasn't me completely snapping, that would mean I had a stalker who was a hacker and made it their life's mission to make the world think I was gay. Both ideas terrified me.

Eventually I reached my breaking point one Friday afternoon.

I was in my dorm's mailroom, intending to get my razor. I was part of one of those shaving subscription box programs and it was time to collect my next box. I did, but in my mailbox was another package from Amazon. I couldn't remember buying something from Amazon recently, but the label clearly said it was for Terry Stihl-Ortiz.

I brought both packages back to my dorm and after unpacking my razor and everything else in the box I looked at the Amazon package again. I couldn't really tell what it was just by feeling it.

I opened it up and my jaw dropped.

It was a dildo. A transparent but still anatomically shaped dildo.

I literally dropped it and took a few steps back. There was no way, no way that this was happening.

I rushed over to my computer and opened Amazon. When I looked at my order history I saw that I had in fact purchased the dildo a couple days prior in the middle of the day. I even selected rush-shipping.

This didn't feel like something a hacker would even do. My computer and phone were password and fingerprint locked. I used a VPN every time I went online. And even if someone really did somehow get through all that, why would they use all my information just to follow some gay men on social media and spend ten dollars on a dildo?

I looked over at the full-length mirror I have in my room and saw a sad, scared boy looking back at me. I barely recognized myself.

"What is wrong with you?" I asked my own reflection.

After a moment the most horrifying thing in my entire life happened.

My reflection scowled and folded his arms, while my arms were still at my sides.

Then it spoke in a voice identical to mine.

"There's nothing wrong with me, Terry. Never has been. I know you love to tell me otherwise, but from where I'm standing you're the one that has something wrong with him."

I shook my head violently and rubbed my eyes, sure I was dreaming, but no. My reflection still looked pissed off.

"You've been trying and failing to wish me away for five years. It's not going to start working now."

I was shaking.

"What...who are you?"

The me in the mirror laughed harshly.

"You know damn well who I am. I'm the you that you've been denying and neglecting ever since puberty. And I'm done letting you walk all over me."

Then the twisted scenario turned into a nightmare. My reflection stepped out of the mirror and walked into the room. He was an exact match to me, except I noticed that the scar I have on my left eyebrow was on his right.

"I'm Terri. T-E-R-R-I. I'm you. And I'm gay."

I took a step back.

"No! No, you're not real!"

"I'm not real? Don't make me laugh. I'm more real than you ever were! I'm not a fucking liar like you are!"

He approached and I kept scooting away until my back was against the wall.

"Every time I've tried to introduce myself, get to know you, be your friend, you pushed me away. You rejected me. Every. Single. Day."

I thought back to all the intrusive thoughts I've had over the years, and how I never found a girlfriend. But this couldn't be why.

"I'm...I'm not gay."

"You just keep telling yourself that, sweetheart. I'm done trying to stop that lie. I'm gay. I'm gay and there's nothing you can do about it."

At this point he was so close I could feel his breath on my face. He put his hand on my chest, above my heart.

"Feel me, Terry. I'm here. I'm real. I'm the flaming homo you've always been on the inside!"

I started crying.

"Please...please stop."

"Oh, stop? You think I should treat you with more respect? Like you've never done for me? You made your bed, Terry. Fucking lie in it."

Terri didn't look like he was enjoying himself, he just looked mad. So angry. At me.

"Terri...I'm sorry..."

"Sorry doesn't cut it. It's too late for that. Instead I'm going to do the one thing you've been asking me to do all my life: I'm leaving. I don't need you anymore. I'm going to go out and do all the things you've stopped me from doing over the years. And you can't hold me back ever again."

My legs crumpled and I collapsed to the floor crying my eyes out. I was so scared, so stressed, so sad. I felt like I was falling apart.

After an eternity I stopped crying and finally looked up again. Terri was gone. When I approached my mirror my reflection acted the same way it always had. Just in case I threw a blanket over it before collapsing on my bed, completely shattered.

It wasn't real. It wasn't possible. I was breaking down. I was just so stressed out and sleep-deprived because of my hacker that I imagined it. That was the only explanation that didn't frighten me to the very core of my being.

I needed to sleep. I just needed to escape reality.

Soon I closed my eyes and felt myself drift away.

*****

I was sitting impatiently in my dorm's main room, waiting for Brady to get back. I kept rehearsing in my head over and over what I was going to say to him.

At long last he did finally get back from the night class he had on Fridays.

"Hey, man."

"Hey, Brady."

He put his backpack down.

"You okay, Terry? You've kind of been freaking out lately."

"Yeah, I'm sort of going through it. It's just really confusing. But I wanted to talk to you about something."

He sat on an armchair next to the couch I was on.

"What's up?"

"You know I love you, right? As my best friend?"

Brady raised his eyebrows. I wasn't surprised; I've never said that to him before.

"Yeah, I guess."

"And you know I trust you?"

"Of course."

"Well, there's something I've been thinking about for a while. Something I've never told anyone about before now."

I took a deep breath and looked into his gorgeous, dark eyes.

"I really, really want to try sucking cock. At least once."

He didn't reply for at least thirty seconds. I saw a hundred different emotions flash across his face.

"Are you serious?"

"I've never been more serious about anything. You're the only person I know who can help me."

Brady sat back a little and folded his arms.

"And why is that? Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm down for anything."

"Brady, I'm not asking you this because you're a gay guy. I'm asking you this because you're my friend. I don't want our relationship to change, but I know I can trust you to help me. Just this one time."

He looked me up and down.

"This is a side of you I've never seen before."

"Well, it's a side of me I've been trying to hide. Please, Brady, could you help me?"

There were a few more seconds of silence before he sighed.

"You sound sure. I guess I could let you do it once."

I smiled. "Thank you so much, I knew I could trust you."

We went to his room and he sat on his bed.

"Are you sure about this, Terry?"

"I'm positive. Are you going to take your pants off, or do you want me to do it?"

"I'll do it."

He lowered his pants and finally underwear, kicking them off along with his shoes. Now he was just wearing a t-shirt and socks.

His big, beautiful cock was out in the open, staring at me. It was pretty long and it wasn't even fully hard yet. His vitiligo gave him a few light spots on the otherwise dark skin. Brady's dick was everything I was hoping it would be and more.

"Wow," I breathed. I got down on my knees and got a closer look. I breathed on his manhood and I saw it wake up a little more. It was starting to harden.

My mouth was watering. Brady's cock looked absolutely delicious.

"Can I put it in my mouth?" I asked, one last time.

"If you really want to."

Slowly, nervously, I lowered my head more and more until all I could see and smell was his penis. Finally I put my lips against it and gave it a kiss.

When it went past my lips I felt fireworks explode in my brain. How could I have stayed away from this bliss for so long?

We both hardened, though me at a much quicker rate than him. I was hard as stone within seconds while it took a minute or two for Brady's member to completely fill in. Fully erect it was probably six and a half inches, maybe an inch longer than mine. I could feel the strength and virility flowing through the magnificent cock I had in my mouth. I was in heaven.

"Holy shit," he muttered. "You don't mess around..."

I looked up at him and smirked before shaking my head, his dick never leaving my mouth.

Soon enough the only thing in the world that mattered was the cock I was sucking. It was warm and strong and so manly. I felt honored to service something so wonderful.

It was about ten minutes of pure paradise before I felt him get even harder. My own dick felt like it was about to burst.

"Fuck, I'm gonna come!"

I just kept sucking until he released, dumping so much nectar into my mouth. Suddenly, unexpectedly, I felt my own cock swell and explode in my pants. I was coming hands-free from how good this felt! I just kept sucking and swallowing, eager to milk out every drop. He was the one who eventually pulled me off. I rested my head on his leg.

"Wow. You really enjoyed that," he said.

I nodded.

"Thank you so much for letting me do it, Brady."

"You're welcome. So...what now?"

"Well...I only asked for one time, so I should respect that. Can we just go back to the way things were?"

"Are you sure?"

I smiled. "Of course I am."

"I mean, if that's what you want, that's okay with me."

I stood up and gave him a hug.

"Thanks, Brady. I'm so happy you're my best friend."

"Don't mention it."

I went back to my room. The night was still young and there were so many things to do...

*****

I slowly woke up, feeling blandly content. At least until the stickiness around my crotch clued me in on why I was feeling that way.

I looked and saw that I had come hard in my sleep, spraying a huge load all over myself, my boxers, and my bed sheets.

God damn it. I had another one of those stupid dreams. I sucked Brady's dick in that one.

I'm going to go out and do all the things you've stopped me from doing over the years. And you can't hold me back ever again.

No. That didn't happen. Terri didn't exist. I was just at my wits end because I had a hacker trying to destroy my life. It had to have all been a bad dream. For my own mental health, for my own fucking sanity, it couldn't have happened.

I reached for my phone, desperate to find something to distract myself from my reality. But when I opened my Instagram things just got worse.

My Instagram account was no longer named generalt.s.o., it was just named Terri'04, which was my birth year. And instead of my normal bio my new bio said Shy gay boy just looking for a man to love. When I went to my TikTok I found that it was also changed in the same way.

I was furious. I was sick and tired of my fucking hacker! I had to do something about this. I could probably go to the police, right? This was harassment. This was stalking and defamation of character. If I told the authorities about this I was sure they could find whoever was doing it and stop them.

I took screenshots of the two hacked accounts and looked over at the dildo, which was still in its packaging on the floor. I could probably also use that as evidence, but it was too embarrassing. I should just download an invoice from Amazon for that.

As I was getting dressed my stomach growled and it occurred to me that I hadn't eaten anything since lunch the previous day. I needed some breakfast before I could head out.

I was eating a bowl of cereal at my dorm's kitchenette when Brady came out of his room. I felt my cheeks turn red and I looked away. When I looked at him all I could think about was the way his cock felt in my mouth.

No, that didn't happen! It was all a dream.

"Good morning," he said.

"Uh, good morning."

He looked at me strangely.

"You good?"

"I'm fine, Brady."

"Look, do you want to talk about last night?"

My blood turned to ice.

"I...last night? What are you talking about? Nothing happened last night."

I saw his expression harden.

"You have to be fucking joking. You think this is some kind of game?"

This was the first time he'd ever gotten truly angry with me, and I was horrified.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Shut the fuck up. You sucked my cock and there's nothing you or me or anyone else can do to change that."

No, this couldn't be happening. Not again!

"You're lying. That never happened. I'm not gay!" Suddenly I was shouting.

Brady seemed taken aback. He looked at me in a way that made me want to crawl into a corner before he spoke again.

"You don't have to be gay to do what you did last night, but you do have to be a real piece of shit to do what you're doing right now. Was that all just bullshit about you trusting me and loving me? You really were just using me, weren't you?"

My anxiety and panic went through the roof, there might as well have been an angry bear in front of me. His words made me feel like I was one inch tall. My mind scrambled, trying to find something, anything I could grab on to and feel like I had some control again. My brain pulled up the worst thing imaginable and I ran with it.

"It's you, isn't it? You're my hacker!"

Before I even knew what I was doing I was standing up and yelling.

"YOU GOT ME FUCKED UP! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! I HATE YOU!!"

Then reality crashed down on me. That wasn't true. I knew it wasn't true. Why did I say it? Then I saw Brady's expression. He looked so shocked, so confused, so genuinely hurt I felt like I just got shot in the face.

Just like when I saw Cam, my reflexes overrode all my brain activity. I just grabbed my keys and ran out the door.

*****

Time seemed to speed up. Before I knew it I was in my car driving in some random direction. I had no clue which direction I was going or how far I went by the time I came to my senses and knew I had to stop.

I pulled into a big empty parking lot and stopped my car.

What do I do now?

I had no idea. As awful as I felt, I didn't even have fear or anxiety to distract me. I was just sitting there, alone with my thoughts.