Reflections

"You're right Jack, you do have a right to know. Truthfully, I don't know exactly how long it was," she answered. "But it started about six months after I went to work for him while we were on a business trip. Then, after the first time, I would go by his house after work about twice a week and have sex with him before coming home.

We also had sex on the 'out of town' trips. But we rarely actually went out of town. That was just an excuse for us to be able to spend the entire night together at Richard's house without me having to rush home immediately after we finished.

I know it doesn't mean much now, but I really am sorry for what I did to you. But, I promise, as crazy as it may sound that I never stopped loving you. Richard just kept pressuring me and he made it clear that the other two girls that were up for the promotion that I wanted were willing to do 'whatever it took' to get the job, so I finally just gave in. My damn ambition and greed just got the best of me. Listen Jack, you're a good man and a good father and you deserved so much better than that and for that I'm truly sorry."

"You're right on both accounts Sarah. It doesn't really mean much now and yes; I did deserve better. But thank you for finally being honest with me."

We sat there quietly for a few minutes before she spoke again, "I know that it probably won't make it any better, but I want you to know that I never loved Richard. I only slept with him to get that promotion. I was naïve enough to think that it would only be that once but that was obviously stupid on my part.

After the first time, I found out that he had an audio tape and pictures of us having sex. He threatened to send it all to you if I didn't make myself available to him whenever he wanted me. I just couldn't figure out how to make it stop without losing my job or having you find out so I just kept going along with him. Even after you caught us and moved out, I only kept going along to keep my job. At that point, it didn't seem like I had any other choice. I had already lost you and my career was all I had left."

"You know what Sarah? That does actually make me feel a little better. For a long time, I questioned myself. After I found you in that car with Richard, I spent weeks trying to figure out what I did wrong, but you've just confirmed that your affair had nothing to do with me or anything that I did or didn't do. This was all about some kind of weakness in you that was always looking for the next high to make you feel good about yourself."

We sat there in silence again until she spoke up and said, "It's actually a lot worse than you think Jack. After you filed for divorce, Richard threatened to send those tapes and pictures to you anyway, so that you could use them in the divorce if I didn't do whatever he asked me to do. Oh God Jack, this is so embarrassing to admit, but he used those pictures to blackmail me into having threesomes with him and some of his country club friends," she said as she began sobbing.

After she calmed down, we spent another hour just staring at the tv before she said she was tired, so I helped her to bed and kissed her on the cheek before telling her goodnight and heading to bed myself. I didn't know it then, but that was the last time I would talk to Sarah. She was still asleep when I left to take Hannah to daycare and go to work the next morning.

Later that day, I got a call at the office to come to the hospital. The physical therapist had stopped by that afternoon for her therapy session and found Sarah still in bed unconscious. By the time I got to the hospital, she had already passed away. The autopsy showed that she had a blood clot related to her leg surgery that dislodged and moved to her lung. Her official cause of death was a pulmonary embolism.

It was hard for me after Sarah's death. For a long time, I blamed myself. I kept telling myself that if I had just not filed that alienation of affection lawsuit that Richard would not have drank so much and that he and Sarah would not have been arguing in the car when he missed that curve and drove over that embankment into the trees. Over the years, I came to realize that none of it was actually my fault, but that doesn't mean that from time to time I don't still have some feelings of guilt about it.

I was beginning to get a little depressed when I heard a knock at the door. "Hey Daddy. Whatcha doing in here all by yourself?"

"Oh, hey Baby. I'm just taking a stroll down memory lane." I answered. By this time, Hannah had walked over to the desk and noticed the open photo album on my desk.

"She was really beautiful, wasn't she?" she asked.

"Yes, she was. But not half as beautiful as her only daughter."

"Well, that's because I look just like my handsome father," Hannah said. After looking at the picture for a few more seconds, Hannah sat on my lap and put her head on my shoulder. "I really wish I could have known her."

"I wish you could have known her too baby. She would be so proud of the wonderful young woman that you've become and she would have loved everything about this wedding."

Hannah sat there quietly for a few minutes before getting up to head to bed. She took a few steps toward the door and then turned back to me. "You know, I really wish she could have been here to see me get married. But I'm thankful that I've had a Mom who has been there for me for as long as I can remember and she'll be right beside me all weekend. She may not have actually given birth to me, but she'll always be my Mom because of the way she's loved me and for all the things she's done for me. So, as long as you guys are there with me, it's going to be perfect. Good night Daddy."

"Good night, darling."

I took another sip of bourbon before flipping through the next few pages of my album that were filled with pictures of me and Hannah when she was little. Then, I flipped the page to find the first picture of Hannah with Elizabeth. It must have been taken soon after Elizabeth came to work for us. They were baking cookies and both of them were covered in flour and with these huge smiles on their faces.

A few months after Sarah died, I had an opportunity for a promotion, but it required me to move away from Raleigh and my family to Richmond, VA. My mom was completely against it because she was worried about me trying to raise a daughter as a single father and build a career at the same time. But I assured her that I would find someone to help me with Hannah when I had to work late or go out of town or just needed a break.

So, my first two jobs after I moved were to find Hannah a good preschool and to find a semi-permanent babysitter to stay with her when I couldn't be home. As luck would have it, one of the engineers in the office, had just retired from the Army and we were talking about our kids one day when he told me that he knew someone who would be perfect to help me with Hannah.

He told me that a friend of his, who was still in the Army, was currently stationed in Germany and that he was looking out for his friend's daughter while he and his wife were overseas. She was a senior at the University of Richmond and was looking for a part-time job. She was an education major and loved children. So, he took my number and the next day, Elizabeth called to check on the job.

When she stopped by my house a few days later, I knew in a matter of minutes that she was the one for the job. She and Hannah hit it off immediately and she comfortably answered all of my questions. She also had an impeccable list of references that included a number of Army officers. Plus, I know it sounds bad, but she was absolutely beautiful in this girl next door kind of way.

Elizabeth began working for us the following week and over the next couple of months came to be more like family than just a babysitter. She would normally pick up Hannah from preschool two or three times a week for me when I had to work late. I was also working on a project that took me out of town a couple of times a month, so Elizabeth would stay at the house and take care of everything while I was away. She had even watched Hannah a few times for me when I had gone on the occasional date.

Just after Thanksgiving, Elizabeth picked up Hannah one afternoon and stayed for dinner after I got home, which was not unusual. After dinner, I put Hannah to bed while Elizabeth cleaned up the kitchen and loaded the dishwasher. When I came back downstairs, I poured us a drink and we sat in the den for a few minutes talking. I could tell that she was nervous about something, but I didn't want to pry so I didn't say anything.

We probably talked for about an hour before she got up her nerve and said, "before I go, can I ask you for a favor?"

"Sure, ask away," I said.

She sat quietly for a few seconds, collecting her thoughts, before finally taking a deep breath and saying, "First, I don't want you to feel obligated to say yes. If you tell me no, I'll understand because this is kind of a big favor. So anyway, as you know next week is finals week and then we go on Christmas break.

Since my Mom and Dad have been overseas, Christmas has been kind of weird. It's usually just us and we're a long way from our friends and family. So, this year, they have decided to spend Christmas at some ski lodge in Switzerland with some friends of theirs from the base."

"Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun. I can think of worse ways to spend a Christmas break," I said.

"Yeah, well as strange as it may sound, I don't want to go to Switzerland. I think I need a total break from everything this year. So, I was wondering if maybe I could stay here with you and Hannah after they close the dorms next week? That way, I would still be here to help you with Hannah during the holidays and you wouldn't have to pay me since you would be letting me stay with you. I promise I'll try to stay out of your way and I'll even help with meals and cleaning."

"Wow, I'm not really sure what to say."

"It's okay. I told you I'd understand if you said no. I'm just going to go now. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable," she said, looking a little dejected as she stood up to leave.

"Wait a second, I don't remember saying no. I just need a second to get my mind around everything. You know, I could use the help with Hannah during the holidays. But I'll only agree to this on one condition."

"What's that?" she asked.

"Well, Hannah and I are planning to spend Christmas with my family at this cabin my parents have in the mountains near Roanoke. So, you can stay with us during your break if you'll agree to go with us to my parents for Christmas."

"Oh God Jack. I couldn't impose on your parents like that."

"Well. That's the deal, take it or leave it. There's no way that I'm going to leave you here all by yourself on Christmas. Besides, my parents would love to meet you. My sister and her family will be there, so it'll give you a chance to experience the craziness of a big family Christmas. What do you say?"

"Well, it doesn't sound like you're giving me much choice. So, sure, I would love to spend Christmas with your family. It might actually be a lot of fun."

"Great. So, it's settled. After finals next week, you can move into the guestroom and then on the twenty-third, we'll head to Roanoke for Christmas with my family."

"Great! Oh, and thanks again Jack. I promise you won't regret this," she replied before surprising me a big hug,

I walked with her out and had just closed the door when another thought popped into my head. I hesitated for a second, but then thought "what the hell, just ask her." So, I opened the door and caught her as she was unlocking her car. "Hey, hang on a minute. There is one other thing that I want to ask you."

"No problem. What is it?"

"Well, two weeks from Friday, on the twelfth, I have my office Christmas Party."

"Don't say any more. I told you I would watch Hannah while I was staying with you, so that's no problem."

"Okay, but actually, I already have a babysitter for that night. I've made arrangements to take Hannah by one of my coworker's house for a sleepover with his daughter and to share a sitter. What I was going to ask is would you like to go with me to the party? I'm the only single guy in the whole place and it's kind of awkward going to these things alone. Plus, it should be fun. There's going to be dinner and an open bar and even a band."

"So, would this be like a date?"

"Well, not exactly a date, but more like two friends going out to a party together. Come on, please say yes? I promise it'll be a lot of fun."

"Sure, I would love to go. It's not like I have any big plans or anything. Plus, I'm a poor college student, so how could I say no to free food, free drinks, and some dancing with a sexy older man. Okay, I'm just joking a about the older man part. You're not really that old. Bye now."

I suddenly found myself smiling as I took another sip of bourbon. I flipped a couple of pages in my album until I found the picture I was looking for. It was the picture of me and Elizabeth, taken as we entered that office Christmas party. I remembered being the envy of every man in that room. We laughed and talked and danced until well after midnight that night. It was probably the first time that I had I let my guard down since Sarah and I split up and it felt really good.

I also remembered the ride home and the not so subtle flirting from both of us. Once we got back to the house, it took every bit of willpower I had to just give her a friendly kiss on the cheek goodnight before we went to our respective bedrooms. I laid awake for close to an hour trying to relieve my raging hardon and convince myself that I did the right thing by not pushing things any farther.

I was up early the next morning, and left before Elizabeth got out of bed to pick Hannah up and take her to breakfast like I had promised her when I dropped her off the night before. We ate and talked for a long time as she filled me in on every detail of her first slumber party. We talked about a lot of important things, like dolls and braiding hair and tea parties. Then, after breakfast, we picked up a couple of pastries for Elizabeth and headed home.

Things were a little awkward around the house that Saturday as both of us tried to process our "date" and if or how it changed anything between the two of us. But, thankfully, Hannah was there to take our minds off of what had happened or didn't happen the night before. After that Saturday, life pretty much returned to normal until we left for my parent's house on the twenty-third.

The next few pages of my album were filled with pictures from that Christmas. There was a picture of Hannah and my mother baking cookies and some of her playing and laughing with her cousins. There were pictures of Christmas morning with the living room floor covered in wrapping paper with three happy children smiling from ear to ear while the adults looked like they needed a few more cups of coffee. Then, there was one last picture, a picture of Elizabeth curled up next to me on the bench by the firepit and both of us smiling at the camera.

That was a really good Christmas. There was a lot of laughter and joy in the cabin that year. My parents and my sister were thrilled to have Elizabeth there and they didn't waste one single opportunity to tell her embarrassing stories from my childhood and teenage years.

My sister Julie and her husband Andrew were also staying at the house for the entire weekend with their two boys, Caleb and Cole, so I had warned her that it would probably be a little crazy. Julie had already called me earlier that week, digging for information on this "friend" that we were bringing for Christmas. She had peppered me with all of the expected questions like how long had I known her, how did we meet, was she Hannah's friend or mine, how old was she, and, for some reason, she asked if she was pretty.

As soon as we pulled into the driveway, my mother and Julie rushed to the car to meet Elizabeth, and before I knew it, they had whisked her and Hannah off with them for some "tea and girl talk" I believe was how they put it. I tried to rescue Elizabeth, but my dad just put his hand on my shoulder and said, "you may as well just relax and let them be, it'll be a lot easier that way. Besides, I want to show you my new truck."

Elizabeth seemed to fit in like she had always been one of the girls and spent the rest of the day helping them buy groceries and cook and wrap the kid's gifts from "Santa." That evening, we had a big family dinner and sat around the table catching up on the past year and reliving stories from our childhood while the children played in the other room.

After dinner, my dad poured us all a drink and the guys went out to build a fire in the firepit while the girls gathered the chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers so that we could make smores. My dad had built a huge firepit with four benches around it, so when the fire was going strong, my Dad, Andrew, and I all sat on separate benches to enjoy our drinks and a few moments of peace before the kids came rushing out.

It wasn't long before the others made their way outside and I couldn't help but notice that Hannah had Elizabeth by the hand and was explaining to her how to make smores. When they got to the fire pit, Hannah led her around to where I was sitting and said, "Here Elizabeth. You can sit with me and my Daddy." As soon as she finished roasting her marshmallow, Hannah squeezed between us and made Elizabeth help her assemble her smores which we then all shared.

Soon it was bedtime, so Julie, Andrew, and I headed inside to help with baths and getting the kids settled into bed, leaving Elizabeth at the firepit with my mom and dad. It was probably an hour later when I made it back downstairs. By now, my dad had come back inside and found his way to his recliner where he was reading a magazine and I could hear my mom putting away the dishes in the kitchen. I didn't see Elizabeth, so I assumed she had headed to bed already.

I went into the den with my dad and sat on the sofa, grabbed the remote, and started flipping through the channels on the tv. I finally settled on a basketball game and leaned back into the soft cushions to relax a few minutes before heading to bed myself. When Julie came down a few minutes later, she walked over behind the sofa and bent over the back, leaned close to my ear and said, "I really like her little brother. I think you may have found a keeper."

I tried to explain that we were just friends, but Julie just shook her head and said, "If you say so. But I think she would like to be more than just friends, if you know what I mean."

It was starting to feel a little uncomfortable in the den, so I decided to go help my mother in the kitchen. We worked in silence for a while as we dried and put away the dishes from dinner. Then, just as I put the last plate in the cabinet, my mother asked, "so son, what are you going to do about Elizabeth?"

"Mom! What is it with you and Julie? I told you guys, she's just a friend and babysitter."

"I'm not so sure about that, Jack. But, if that's all she is to you, I think you need to talk to her and make that really clear because, in case you haven't noticed, that girl is head over heels in love with you."

"Jeez, I don't know who's worse, you or Julie."

"Oh Jack. Baby, we just know how hard that last couple of years have been for you and we're excited to see you happy again. You two are so cute together and she is really great with Hannah. Just think about it, okay?"

"Okay Mom. I admit it, I do like her. I just need to make sure before I burden her with all the emotional baggage that comes with being in a relationship with me."

"Does she know about what happened between you and Sarah?"