Reflections on a Painful Past

-I was rubbing myself through my jeans as I wrote. Simultaneously crying and masturbating. That's how intense the memories were even now after so long...

The next day is a blur in my mind. I was so tired it was a miracle I didn't screw something up and ruin my chances of ever passing basic training. The one memory I do recall clearly was we found a brief moment to share some words. I'd gone to the toilet and she followed me in. I heard her banging the doors on the other two cubicles making sure we were alone. I really was using the toilet so I didn't unlock my cubicle.

"You did good sunshine. Did you like it?" She was almost purring.

"Yes Claire, it was amazing but... but not at the end."

"Your shoulder? Sorry Jesse, It was a mistake, I didn't know it was going to be that intense. I'll bite the pillow next time. Forgive me, ok?" The first of so many apologies.

"There will be a next time? When?" I couldn't keep the longing from my voice and she laughed at me.

"Wow, you're a horny little minx aren't you? Not tonight. I need some sleep."

"Yea, me too." I sounded pathetic and hated myself for it.

"Cheer up sunshine. Tomorrow night it's your turn. I'm going to fuck your brains out!"

Terror! Delight! Lust! The door banged as she left. I had to stay for a while and take care of a sudden need. I'd not put a finger inside that first night when she kissed me. It was the first time I'd rubbed myself and I was too afraid to put my finger in. But now... No! Still too afraid. But tomorrow night... I shook with what was almost but not quite an orgasm, sitting there on the toilet.

When I left to head back to our room I got a pointed look from the platoon sergeant but she didn't say anything. I guess I got a pass that time but I knew it wouldn't happen again. Lots of girls tried hiding in the toilets for a moments rest when we were all new, it didn't take us long to find they were wise to the trick. Lessons like that were learnt hard. I could barely wait for bed that night, I was so tired, I slept like a log and even the bugle the next morning didn't wake me but Claire threw her boot across the gap above the draws and when I started awake she pointed at her watch. Shit! I'd lost half my shower time and now there was no hope of hot water either. At least with most of the girls already done it was easy to hide the tooth marks on my shoulder.

After the good night's sleep my brain cells were firing again and a nagging worry wouldn't leave me alone. It would be my first time but she didn't know. I wanted gentle, but didn't think she understood the word. Nothing about Claire seemed gentle. Intimate, intense, sensual and passionate. All these she could manage even occasional tenderness as when she'd held me while I cried. But very seldom gentle. Retrospect is wonderful but also mostly fucking useless! Any way I slipped her a note at lunch which I later saw her rip into small pieces and distribute into several bins for good reason, discretion. I had little choice but to be explicit. If the note had been found we would have been up shit creek without a paddle. It was too sentences.

"I'm a virgin. I'm afraid."

She gave me a reassuring nod when she first read the note. That made me feel much better and the look of excitement she had at what I'd written was going to get yet another pair of panties thrown in the wash. Later that day after dinner she gave me a pat on the back of my head and ran her hand down my back as she withdrew. It was a casual gesture, for me galaxies were colliding but to an observer it would not have looked like anything other than friendly affection. We kept our physical contact to an absolute minimum by day. Neither of us wanted discovery but despite that she still found chances every now and then to touch me. She knew what it did to me.

Later that night I lost my virginity. She wasn't particularly gentle, though in retrospect I know she was doing her best to be and it was still a wonderful experience. I couldn't sleep when I went to bed. I was wired after a day of anticipation. Fear and desire. Those feeling would come to dominate me for years. It seemed like forever before she came. The other times I'd been asleep and it seemed that she woke me the moment I closed my eyes but in truth she had probably waited this long every time. Let all the other girls slip into their deepest sleep. When she quietly shuffled her way over my set of draws, I was so nervous I felt paralysed. She leant over me and when she saw my eyes were open she touched my lips with her finger. I'd never imagined something so simple could feel so magnificent. My lips parted and she leaned in for a hot kiss. It went on for some time. But this wasn't what she'd come for. I think maybe I wasn't ready. I would have liked more touching before she started.

She stepped away from me. Her kiss had freed me from the paralysis of fear but I still didn't know what to do. I just waited. This was her show. She pulled her T- Shirt off over her head and dropped her panties to the floor. In the moonlight she was a goddess. My goddess, I worshipped her with my eyes. She placed her clothing on top of the dresser. That was clever; it meant that if she needed to jump back over to her side in a hurry she could grab them on the way. Then in safety, under her sheets she could get them back on.

Next she took hold of my top sheet and thin blanket and peeled them back down the bed till they were rolled neatly at the foot. I lay there in my underpants and t-shirt but not for long. Those were the next to go. I'd never felt so excited or so exposed in all my life. Sure it was dark, sure she'd seen me naked before but this was different. This time something momentous was going to happen and she wasn't giving me the time I needed for that to sink in. She was on me. I felt so overwhelmed by what was happening that I'd squeezed my legs tightly together. I was kind of trying to hold her away from my body with my hands but she'd have none of that. She twisted one of my wrists and slipped through between my arms. She had me pinned down. Her naked body was pressed to mine. I was freaking out and I loved it and I was freaking out that I loved it. I stiffened up like a board and my knees hurt, I was clamping them together so hard. Then she kissed me and I melted. Always those kisses, they were the secret key to her power over me. I'd let her do anything for those kisses. I'd forgive her anything for them.

With my mind gone to the happy place somewhere between her lips and the stars she began to take advantage of her free reign over me. She was rubbing on me and running her hands everywhere. She touched me where only I had ever touched myself before. Her lips on mine, her tongue teasing mine swallowed the little gasping breaths I made as I discovered the magic my goddess possessed. By now she knew I couldn't stay quiet. Once she was sure my resistance had ended she stopped her wonderful torments. That was a torment in itself. She reached behind my head and pulled out my pillow. I lay my head down on the mattress instead. This had the unexpected benefit of thrusting my breasts up hard against hers. I was still enjoying that discovery when she took hold of my chin firmly and turned my head to the side.

I was face to face with my pillow and she pressed the corner of it against my lips. I understood then what she wanted. I opened my mouth and she pushed the corner of my pillow in and tapped me on the chin when she wanted me to bite down. I had to breathe through my nose now and as she shifted her weight on me and I felt her pubic hair scrape on my belly I was sure I simply wasn't going to be able to get enough air this way. But she was right. This would be the only way I had any hope of staying quite so I accepted the indignity. I would do this for my love.

Next she took my hands and moved them up above my head. She pressed them against the wall and held them there firmly for a moment so I understood what she wanted. I was to keep my hands there. I could do this for my love. Satisfied with her preparations she sat up. Straddled my hips and looked down at me. I'd turned my head a bit so I could see her and she was smiling at me. I blushed but she wouldn't be able to see that in the dark. I knew what she was smiling at. I understood by now that she wanted control in this situation. I could surrender for my love. I was surrendering to her and she was enjoying it, looking down at me with my pillow stuffed in my mouth, my hands against the wall above my head, my breasts thrust up begging for her touch and my eyes, my eyes telling her that I was willing for her to take my precious virginity and anything else she might desire.

She was enjoying the moment of her triumph the moment she claimed me as her own and established her mastery over me. I wanted it so badly. She did too and it was time. She lowered her face down to my breasts and started giving me little kisses, little kisses and little nips. The kisses felt divine the nips hurt but somehow felt wonderful too. She hadn't gone near my nipples yet but I knew it was coming. The anticipation was killing me. My breasts were on fire and my nipples were so hard it hurt. I wanted to know what it feels like. I needed to know. What does it feel like to have your nipples kissed? She had a better idea though. She'd worked her way over to my right breast while she toyed with my other with her hands. Teasing it.

She must have known I wanted my nipple touched but she was going nowhere near it. Instead, suddenly, on my right breast where her little bites and kisses had been driving me wild she suddenly changed tactics. She reached down between us and touched me firmly, pressing down on my clitoris and stuck her tongue right out dragging the flat of it up and over my nipple in a big slippery lick. It wasn't the firm tip but rather the slightly rough but oh so soft top. My chest exploded, my mind exploded and between my legs my first ever orgasm exploded. My pillow. Thank God for that pillow.

She knew what she'd done but she was merciless. Her mouth moved to my left breast and she took my whole nipple and areola into her mouth and sucked gently while the tip of her tongue flicked back and forward. It was too intense. It hurt. But it also felt amazing. My breasts couldn't feel any better but I was now to discover that my orgasm could. It hadn't finished yet it was still pulsing through me and I was writhing. Her attention on my left breast pushed me to new heights and it just went on and on. My pillow. Thank God for that pillow.

When the shaking and shuddering finally subsided I found her sitting up and straddling me again. When had that happened? When had she stopped what she was doing to my breasts? She had that look of satisfaction again. The cat that got the milk. I felt like I'd gotten into the milk as well. Such a sense of well being and satisfaction was washing through me. I'd never felt so good before and we hadn't even had the main event yet. Under my buttocks a huge wet patch was spreading. It felt a bit clammy. I hoped it wouldn't gross her out. She was leaning right down over me now. She breathed the quietest possible whisper into my ear. Her words burnt themselves into my soul.

"That was the hottest thing I've ever seen. You're such a horny little slut. Good girl, It's time. Open your legs for me."

It wasn't a request and I had absolutely no desire to disobey. She had just said the most wonderful thing I'd ever heard in my life. I complied; she shifted, climbed off me and moved to a new position between my legs, down near the foot of the bed. She was sitting cross legged between my knees. I think she wanted to stay up high so she could watch me in case I lost control and made noise. I was feeling very vulnerable. People had seen me naked before but never like this, never open and exposed. She didn't give me time to get nervous. The back of her hand ran ever so softly down my inner thigh. It might as well have been lightning. No matter how softly she touched after the experience I had just had my skin was on fire. A shudder ran through me. Not another orgasm, I was far from that, just a reaction to the unexpected sensitivity of my thigh.

During my orgasm my hands had come away from the wall. I quickly used them to push the pillow a little further into my mouth. I was coming to quite like the sensation of having it there. As soon as I'd adjusted the pillow I put my hands back where they were supposed to be. I looked to Claire hoping I hadn't upset her by moving my hands but she seemed pleased. She patted my knee and placed her hand palm down on me. Her fingers were running through my pubic hair. I knew she was doing it but it was such a shock my mind didn't seem capable of understanding that it was happening. It was running a second behind reality. By the time I understood she was touching me her thumb had already worked down between my labia and I felt like the wet patch must have soaked through to some wiring because little electric shocks were happening all over my body. By the time my mind registered that her thumb had found my clit I felt strangely detached as pleasure flooded me. I could feel my fluids not just seeping out of me but flowing out.

My mind, unable to process what was happening was latching onto the strangest things. I found myself regretting the fact that we didn't get long enough in the shower to do proper maintenance down there. I was about to lose my virginity and it was going to happen within a wild red forest. Claire didn't seem to mind though, while her thumb had been blowing my mind apart her fingers had continued to stroke through my pubic hair. The gentle tugging and the feeling of her cold fingers against the burning hot flesh of my mons pubis was a more subtle pleasure and finally I had something safe to hold on to, something to anchor me in the moment.

Claire had lifted her other hand up to her mouth and was sucking on her middle finger. Oh God! It's now! It's going to happen now! It was panic but it was short lived. She reached down between my legs and under her other hand. This new hand was palm up and she never stopped the gentle stroking on my mons with her fingers or up and down between my labia with her thumb. I felt her finger tip touch me. She moved it around a bit. Wiggled it between my inner labia, slid it up and down till she found my opening, I could feel myself spasm in response to the intrusion, I was opening and closing in waves, my inner muscles contracting and relaxing of their own volition. Over and over again. I could feel her finger nudging at my opening. She was getting a feel for the rhythm of my body.

She looked me in the eye suddenly and she saw my fear. She smiled reassuringly and in that moment when I relaxed she slammed her finger into me right up to the top knuckle. It slammed straight through my hymen and I felt like I'd been stabbed. Even with the pillow I let out a grunt and tears came to my eyes. She wasn't done. She wriggled her finger around savagely. Pressing into the torn flesh of my hymen and I felt it rupture further. I guess she decided that if it was going to hurt it might as well get done properly and all in one go. She was done now and she pulled her finger out. This is not at all what I'd been expecting and I was crying from the shock, the sudden pain of the violation and the dull pain that I now had within but most of all at the sense of betrayal.

She could see I was upset and she looked annoyed. I felt ashamed of myself for upsetting her. I was so weak. She wiggled out from between my legs and came and knelt on the floor next to my head. She pulled the pillow out of my mouth which forced me to swallow my sobbing and she kissed me softly on the side of my face. Her kisses tickled down to my ear and after a soft nip on my earlobe that whispering that always got me so wet began.

"Welcome to the sisterhood pet. I'm sorry that hurt but it won't feel like that again I promise. That had to be done but in a minute or two you'll feel better and I'll make it up to you."

The second in a long line of apologies. As with the rest I accepted it instantly. Of course she was sorry. Of course she didn't mean to hurt me. It might have looked like she enjoyed it but she loved me. She was sorry. It was my fault anyway for being so weak. What the hell was I expecting? Everyone knew the first time hurt. I liked it when she called me pet. That was a claiming. She was claiming me for her own and that's what I wanted. Wasn't it?

-By now I had decided, there was no way my daughter would ever read this letter. It had been a terrible mistake to even try this but it was too late to stop now. Claire had me and she was merciless...

She'd spoken the truth, the pain dulled quickly and still kneeling beside the bed she began stroking me, circling my breasts, down across my belly, into my pubic hair and then back up again. It didn't take much of this to have me feeling hot again. I pulled my pillow back into my mouth and put my hands back where they were supposed to be. I'd failed her and disappointed her so far but it wouldn't happen again. Tonight was special for her. She was making me into a woman and I would show proper gratitude. Her hand pressed between my legs and I parted my thighs for her. Giving her access to what was hers. She pushed my legs a little further apart and then her stroking resumed but this time just in the one area.

She knew how to touch a girl. I never asked her about it but I always knew. She hadn't come into our relationship a virgin. In a few minutes she had me at the brink of a second orgasm but she kept me there. She was watching my face carefully rather than watching what she was doing. I guess she could see it in my face when I was close. I liked that. When I didn't have my eyes squeezed shut in the anguish of completion denied, I stared into the inferno through the windows to her soul. When she felt like I was ready and when I felt like I would die if it didn't happen soon she pushed her finger back inside me again. Not gently but not savagely either. Just firmly. Firmly and steadily she drove it in deep and I hit the clouds. It didn't last for as long as the first one but it was just as intense. My pillow. Thank God for that pillow.

-That part of my recollection had actually been pleasant. I remembered the feel of the pillow stuffed in my mouth with pleasure. I could remember the texture of the wooden wall where I kept my hands pressed right up until I lost control in that final wave of bliss. Afterwards I remember hoping she would whisper something sweet in my ear again but I think she was too tired. Instead she kissed me firmly and ran her hands through my short hair. She handed me my panties and shirt from where she'd dropped them on the floor, helped me roll the sheet and blanket back up and then she was gone. Not long afterwards I was asleep.

It was nice to revisit those moments, I don't do it often. To think of them opens doors in my head best left shut. Those doors were all flung wide right now and as much as I wanted to stop, to put the pen down and let this be the end of the story I couldn't. Events had flowed on and so did my writing...

End of part one.