Regrets

Tony adjusted his tie. "About time. You sure you we have to go? I mean what the fuck was he to you anyway?"

Kathy's stomach grumbled. "I don't like funerals anymore than anyone else. But, if I don't go, I'll regret not going. Let's go."

The ride seemed longer than necessary. They sat in silence as Tony drove to the funeral home. Boredom finally overtook them, and Tony said, "Heard he got shot up over there."

Kathy stared out the car's window. She never looked at Tony. "Yeah... Read in the paper he saved most of his platoon that day. Died a hero."

"He died a fool."

Kathy attempted to slap his face when he caught her arm. "You don't even want to think about that, 'cause if you do, I'll beat you like a man should beat a woman. Don't think I won't." Tony released his grip on her arm, and Kathy jerked it way.

**********

Kathy mingled with the other guests at the funeral home. She walked back and forth from one small room to another. She happened to glance out a window and noticed Tony talking to a young woman in the parking lot. She knew what he was after. Her cold, hard, flinty eyes watched him. Christ, can't you leave the pussy alone even at a place like this? She felt the veins along her neck pulse and twitch.

They listened as a pastor read from the Bible. They heard stories from his friends. Then, it was over. She passed by the casket one last time. Her hands trembled. She's never touched a dead body before. Kathy twisted her wedding ring around her finger. Her stomach churned. She felt like all her insides were quivering. Kathy leaned down and kissed his forehead.

She felt a hand touch her shoulder. Kathy looked up. "He spoke about you all the time. Even in the letters he sent home."

"Mrs. Echols... I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry about your lost."

Kathy noticed another hand on her shoulder. His eyes were red and bloodshot. Tears lingered on his cheeks. "Mr. Echols, I'm so sorry."

Mr. Echols took his wife's hand into his and they stared at their son lying in peace—forever twenty-one years old.

"We got to get this done." Kathy heard him tell his wife softly. Husband, father, wife, and mother. Together they held each other as they watched a thin elderly man lower the top of the casket. When the two halves touch, a long moan of despair erupted from Mrs. Echols. She flung her arms around her husband and wept.

Kathy gently rubbed Mrs. Echols's back. She leaned in. "I told him no. I wish, oh how I wish, I didn't say that."

Mr. Echols looked up as he comforted his wife. "What do you mean you said no?"

*********** Chapter four*********

Kathy placed another Rolling Rock to her lips. She took a few gulps, and then set the bottle down on the bar. Hard. Her passion-red painted fingernails smashed another Marlboro into the overfilled ashtray.

"You okay tonight, Kathy?"

She picked the bottle up and tilted her head back, draining the last drop out. "Give me another one, Ned."

"Sure. You know the cops will be out tonight. New Year's Eve and all that."

She nodded. "I'm good. Good. Yeah, that's me. Good... Good for nothing." She put another Marlboro to her lips. Kathy pulled a long drag from the cigarette, and then blew the smoke out her nose. She shook her head and when she did, the black cowboy hat she wore slipped to one side. She took the hat off, slapped it on her jeans, and then put it back on. Another night, another beer, at the Red Dog saloon.

She didn't know where Tony was. Didn't give a shit one way or the other. He left her for a younger tramp years ago. She'd been remarried since then. That marriage didn't lasted. Her last husband skipped out, too. She didn't care where he was either this New Year's Eve. As far as Kathy was concerned, they could both burn in hell.

Years ago, Kathy's father stuck his checkbook in his pocket. She hasn't gotten a dime from him in years—she hasn't talked to him for over ten years. She's working as a cashier at a convenience store now.

Kathy pulled a faded black and white photo from her shirt pocket. She clutched it in her left hand. Her thumb circled the outline of a young boy's face. A smile tried to tug at the corner of her lips. Her right hand held yet another Marlboro as she rested her elbows on the bar.

"Damn..."

"What ya got there, Kathy?" Ned asked.

She rolled her tongue around the inside of her mouth. Her head moved from one side to the other. "Damn, could he kiss."

"Old flame?"

"Maybe. Yeah, I guess you'd could call it that." Another empty bottle hit the bar. "How about another one, Ned?"

He collected the empties and with a twist of his wrist, opened the fifth bottle of Rolling Rock for Kathy.

"Hittin' them pretty hard tonight, aren't you?"

"What the fuck... It's New Year's." Her eyes burned into the image of the young man in the photo. "I told him no. Damn, do I regret that." She slid the photo along the top of walnut bar in front of Ned.

"Handsome young man. What did he ask you?" Ned pushed the photo back.

"We were so young. I had Tony. My old man was going to pay for his college. Keeping him out of the war. I knew, I don't know how, but me and Tony... We never seemed to click. He couldn't keep his dick in his pants." Kathy smashed another smoke into the ashtray.

"Every chance I'd get, I'd come back home and see Michael. We'd drive to the waterfalls by the Cuyahoga River. We'd talk about our dreams..."

"That's the guy in the photo?"

"Yeah, that's Mike. He's dead. Died over there in fuckin' 'Nam."

"What did he ask you?"

She tilted her head to one side and looked around the Red Dog salon. George Jones was singing about a lost love on the jukebox. With shaky hands, she lit another smoke. "He ahh." She sucked in a breath. "Damn." She looked into Ned's inquiring eyes. "He asked me to marry him. And I told him no." Tears filled her eyes and soon they broke free and meandered down her cheeks. She wiped them away with the back her hand.

"Don't you think every day I regret telling him that? My old man put Tony through college. He could have done the same for Michael. Maybe it would have saved his life. Maybe I wouldn't be here sucking down beer after beer trying to drown my fuckin' life."

She sat in silence, listening as the bar became loud with the party. "He's been dead for almost twenty years now. I thought, I don't know why, but I thought time would have taken some of the sting out of it. Tonight, it hurts just as much as the night I got the phone call from his father. I guess I thought wrong."

Ned watched as an overweight man pranced up to Kathy like a show pony.

"Hey, darling, how's it going?"

Kathy looked over. A middle-aged man with a white cowboy hat stood next to her. Dirty sweat stains ringed around the hat. A large metal belt buckle strained to contain his gut that hung over his belt. Black alligator cowboy boots were on his feet.

"Leave me alone."

"Just trying to be social. You wanna 'nother?" The stranger slipped onto the stool next to Kathy.

"I don't want nothin' from you."

"Darling, I'm only trying to be friendly. You're too pretty to be sittin' all by yourself on New Year's Eve." He flicked his finger in the air and caught Ned's attention. "Let me buy this beauty another drink."

"Kathy?"

She shrugged. Ned set one more down in front of her. She raised the beer slightly toward the stranger to acknowledge his offer. She put it to her lips.

"They call me Joe. Big Joe, as a matter of fact. Big. You know big, as in long and thick."

Kathy rolled her eyes. "Oh Christ."

"That's what all the ladies say when they see my equipment."

"You're sick."

"Bet you're a hottie in the sack."

Kathy's reflexes were still sharp, it takes more than a few beers anymore to slow them down, and she felt the palm of her hand burn when it struck his face.

"What the fuck!" Joe wailed as he rubbed his cheek. "Christ, I'm looking for some fun. Maybe someone to greet the New Year with."

Kathy put the beer bottle to her lips when she felt his hand on her jeans. Persistent. She gave him that. She looked down at his hand as it rambled over her thigh. She didn't say anything. She took another gulp. The roving hand moved from her thigh to her back. Fingers probed and then lingered along her bra's clasp. Then, they moved up her back following the shoulder strap. He pushed it toward her arm.

"Don't." She wiggled her shoulder and moved the strap back where it should be. Then, the lies started to flow. Oh, she heard them all before. How the wives don't appreciate them. The ex is such a bitch. The stories are all the same. Only the names change. She muted the conversation out, nodding when she figured she had to, and smiling now and then just for the hell of it.

"Well, what do ya say?"

"Sorry?"

"You know. You wanna follow me back to my place, and we'll rock in the New Year?"

She studied him. She'd been to bed with worse; but not by much. But more important, she didn't want to spend another New Year's Eve alone. Even if it meant lying on her back for ten minutes. "What the fuck."

Big Joe pushed back on the bar. He didn't figure he'd be that lucky that quickly. "All right! Like I said, I live only a few miles down Ravenna road. Maybe five minutes from here, and you can follow me if you want."

Kathy smashed the last Marlboro out then stood. She tucked her white shirt down into her jeans. She still had a figure. However, the years haven't been all that good to her. Her skin red, and a Rorschach of blue veins were beginning to blossom on her cheeks. The curves of her body had long left her. Skinny and thin had replaced her girlish curves of youth. She followed Big Joe out.

*********

Big Joe unlocked the door to his mobile home, and the front door creaked slightly as he pushed it open. She stepped inside. The fake wood paneled walls were plastered with framed photos of Elvis Presley. A large, black velvet painting of the King hung centered above a small TV in the living room. A sconce on either side held a candle. Frozen fingers of wax riddled the sides. A black sooty glass tube sat askew around the candles. Every flat space held empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Let's get this show on the road," Big Joe said as he un-buckled his belt.

Kathy shook her head and slowly began to unbutton her shirt. She followed him down a narrow hallway to the bedroom. Joe stripped out of most of his clothing in a matter of seconds. He sat on the edge of the bed, watching Kathy as her fingers worked on the shirt's buttons. "Come on, darling, we don't want to miss the fireworks at midnight." He reached over and started to work on her belt. He pulled the thin leather strap. Satisfied he had it loose enough, he popped the snap of her jeans and drew the zipper down.

"Why such a rush?"

"Oh, darling, you're a beauty." His eyes glowed in the twilight of the small bedroom.

Kathy wiggled her tight jeans down to her thighs. She stopped. Kathy sat on the edge of the bed and worked her boots off. She stood and continued to work her jeans down and off. Big Joe's eyes glowed. Under suntan pantyhose she wore light pink panties. He wet his lips with his tongue. "Come on, babe, Big Joe got's the need."

He stood and whipped his tighty-whities down his hips. He tossed them, skid marks and all, on the top of a dresser. His cock grew hard. A few drops of pre-cum made the tip shimmer.

Kathy stood nude in front of him. How many men has she been with? She couldn't or didn't want to remember. Hell by the end of the week, she'll forget all about big Joe.

His eyes looked her over. She felt like a hunk of meat hanging on a hook. "Come on, darling, let's see that monkey."

Kathy's hand went between her legs. Then, her fingers plowed through her bush. She spread her soft pink lips apart. Big Joe sat on the bed's edge, fingers wrapped around his member, slowly running his hand up and down its length.

He wiggled his middle finger at her and she stepped in closer. As he continued to stroke himself, he slipped a finger inside Kathy.

"Oh, damn, darling. I'm going to fuck you good." He tugged her down toward the bed. Then he picked her boots off the floor. "I want these on you," he announced. Kathy slipped her bare toes back into her boots. Kathy crawled on her knees across the worn out bed and the threadbare, yellowed sheets. Big Joe reached for her hat. He placed it on her head. "This too." A finger went between her ass cheeks; she slapped it way.

Wearing black socks, and a sweat stained tee-shirt, he pushed her onto her back. The end of the bed rose up. Joe clawed at her legs, splaying them out. His fingers rammed into her pussy, while his tongue slobbered across her breasts.

"Come on, darling, don't disappoint. I know you got fire in your ass. All the fillies I'm with can't hold it back."

He went between her legs and sounded like an old hound dog lapping water out of a bowl. Kathy let out a few moans and groans. Nothing over the top, but enough she thought, to convince him that he was the stud he bragged about. But Kathy felt nothing. Nothing at all. She scrutinized the ceiling, and the fly shit that covered the yellowed tiles above her.

He spat on his fingers, then rubbed his spit along his cock. He straddled her. His belly hung like a pillow case full of Jell-O. She felt him enter her. The thrusts. His belly wiggled back and forth. Grunts. Moans. Her eyes stared at the ceiling. Big Joe my ass.

"Oh, God! Jesus. Jesus." Joe moaned. His thrusts became shorter. His breaths rapid. Sweat formed on his forehead. "Oh Yeah! Darling! Fuck you. Fuck you. Oh!"

He came in a shudder.

She felt nothing.

He rolled off. "Bet you're impressed right now, ain't you? Now, you know why all the ladies call me Big Joe." He stood and began to work his underwear up his fat ass.

"Aren't you going to lay here with me for a while? You know, celebrate the New Year?"

"Listen, you're a fine, fine, filly. I'll give you that, but a guy like me, well you know, we like to keep a corral full of fillies on the ranch."

Kathy rose on her elbows. "Fuck you. It's Ohio. The only cattle ranch you'll ever come close to is the meat department at Giant Eagle."

He made his fingers into a pistol shape. Then, he pointed it at her. "Yeah, but I got you. Bang! Another notch in my belt." He walked down the hallway as he fastened his shirt. She followed him, slipping her shirt over her bare breasts. "You promised me, I'd be with someone this New Year's Eve."

He had his hand on the doorknob, then turned around and looked at her. He pointed the remote at the TV, turning it on, then tossed it to her. "Here you go. You and Dick Clark have a rockin' eve. I don't want my beer to get warm back at the Red Dog."

"Fuck you!"

"Darling, I just did." He smirked in triumph. "Oh, by the way. My old lady gets off around three. She doesn't know about my little corral, if you get my drift. You should probably be gone by then. See ya, slut." He closed the door.

Kathy slowly walked to the bedroom to collect her remaining clothing. Slut. She couldn't argue with that. That's what she is. What she has become.

The wife doesn't know. "Stupid shithead!" Kathy draped her pink panties over a corner of the velvet painting of Elvis. She flung her pantyhose over a sconce. Explain those, Big Joe.

She sat on the worn sofa, staring at the flickering images on the TV. She plowed her fingers through her hair. A nearly empty bottle of Four Roses sat on the battered coffee table. Cigarette burns lined the edges. The bottle called to her. She put the cold glass to her lips, and enjoyed the burn as the alcohol flowed down her throat. The tinny sounds of Auld Lang Syne poured from the small speaker on the TV. She watched the ball drop. She watched a new decade begin. 1989 forever gone.

Kathy emptied the bottle and flung it down the hallway. Then, she placed her elbows on her knees and rested her head in her hands. And as the first few minutes of 1990 began to fade, Kathy wept.

**********Chapter five********

Naomi peeked into Kathy's room. "You coming out to celebrate with us?"

"Oh I don't know. I'm tired. I'm not use to stayin' up this late anymore."

"Goodness sakes, Kathy, it'll be fun. There's sauerkraut 'n pork. There're pies, and all kinds of yummy things to begin 2015 with. Look here." Naomi reached into her white nurse's uniform and pulled out a handful of loose change. "My grandmother always said, you need to eat your first meal of the New Year with money under your plate. Suppose' to bring you wealth and good luck."

Kathy smiled weakly. "I'm too old for either one."

"Now, don't you be silly."

Kathy slipped her legs out from under the bed covers. Gently her feet touched the floor. "Maybe later, Naomi."

"It would do you good. Really it would." Naomi paused. She tried to find the words that would convince Kathy to join the others in the main dinning room. All the other residents that call Meadow Wood Lane Assisted Living 'home.'

"If you need something."

"I know the routine," Kathy said.

Naomi smiled then nodded before she left the room. Kathy scuffled her slippers along the polished floor. She went to the window. Winters in Ohio weren't like they were when she was younger. There's no snow now. In winter, you're supposed to have snow. What she wouldn't give to see it snow on this New Year's Eve.

Kathy opened a drawer and removed a small leather bound Bible. Her fingers worked down into the pages and removed a photograph. She tried to find God. Maybe she didn't pray hard enough to get his attention. Perhaps it was the accumulation of a lifetime of bad choices. More important, maybe God simply didn't care about her.

She flipped the photograph over. Reading the writing that had faded to a light blue. She knew the words by heart, yet when she read them it was as though she heard them the first time.

'Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowline. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.'

It was Michael's handwriting on the back. He wrote those words for her so many, many years ago. Now in the twilight of her life, she knew, as he did, that she'd tell him no. Tony had already asked her to marry him and she said yes. One of the biggest mistakes she ever made. But Michael asked anyway. No regrets.

"Why didn't I say yes?" The same question she asked herself millions of times, yet has never heard the answer.

She clutched the photo to her chest. Her eyes closed. She remembered the times they were together. All good. The black and white photo was of Michael standing beside her red Oldsmobile by the waterfalls. Kathy took the picture. He was the only man that she loved. Love. Something she never could understand. Always beyond her reach. So close. Yet never within her grasp.

With her fingertip, she gently traced the outline of his face. She closed her eyes, trying to recall more memories of her and Michael. But, it was so long ago. Time at last has blurred some memories.

"2015. Where did my life go? Why didn't I say yes? Things might have been, no they would have been, so different from this hell I lived."

***********

"Kathy?"

"Naomi, I don't want to go to the party. I'm so tired."

"Kathy?"

"Just let me sleep."

"Kathy?"

"Please leave me alone." She opened her eyes. Standing in the darkened room, she could barely make out the outline of a figure. Kathy pushed herself up and drew the blanket to her chest. The figure came closer.

"Who are you?" Her heart pounded in her chest.

Closer still. She saw a face she knew.