Regrets

I turned into the street where my ex-wife lives in Raleigh, North Carolina. I'm glad to be here on time after another three-hour drive form Norfolk, Virginia where I live. It's 9am on a Saturday morning, as I pull into their driveway. My 8-year-old son Billy comes running out of the house to greet me, yelling out 'Daddy' as he runs towards my truck.

I give him a big hug as I get out, before we make our way towards the front door. Standing in the doorway is my 6-year-old daughter, Samantha. She's holding her doll, her hair's a mess and she's still wearing her pajamas.

"Sam, I asked you to go get changed before your father gets here. Hurry up please, I'll fix your hair in a moment too." I can hear my ex-wife calling out to my daughter from the kitchen.

"Daddy's already here." Samantha informs her mother.

I bend down and pick up my daughter as she gives me a big hug before stepping inside the living room.

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry Mike. She's been impossible this morning. Can you give me a few minutes to get her sorted." Jennifer states as she walks out from the kitchen wiping her hands.

"It's fine, take your time. I might make myself a coffee while you're getting her ready."

"Thanks, we shouldn't be too long." Jennifer replies as she takes Samantha from my arms and heads off into her bedroom together.

I first met Jennifer Stevens in a diner in Norfolk over nine years ago now. I remember that day clearly, and how she took my breath away. Jennifer was a nineteen-year-old apprentice chef working at the diner but also doubled as the waitress when needed. She's a raven-haired beauty with mesmerizing grey eyes, and a body to die for.

I was a twenty-year-old apprentice electrician, tall, fit and rather shy. My family has strong Christian beliefs, and I was raised accordingly. I hadn't partied like some of the guys I knew at my age, instead I worked hard and enjoyed sports, football being my game.

I'd never been that forward with girls up until that day, but something drove me to speak with Jennifer, to get to know her more. I still remember the way she looked at me and smiled, I didn't know at the time if that's what she did with all of her customers, but I later found out that she thought I was handsome, that she had butterflies just talking with me.

We were married six months later, Mr. and Mrs. Michael and Jennifer Davies. A bit over a year after that and Billy was born, with Samantha coming a further two years later. A year after my daughter was born, we were separated and then later divorced. Both were amicable, we didn't and still don't hate each other in any way.

Jennifer moved back to Raleigh after the separation, it's where she was born and raised. She wanted to be near her parents who could help her with their grandchildren. Bill and Mary Stevens are terrific grandparents too, and they're the only ones my kids now have as my father died when I was younger, with my mom then dying of cancer around the same time I first met Jennifer.

I have three siblings, two older brothers and a younger sister. We helped each other get through the loss of our mom, and thanks to our faith we managed okay.

"She's ready now." Jenn said as they both came back out into the living room, with Samantha wearing a pretty little blue dress with matching shoes. Her hair was neatly brushed and pinned back, and she gave me that same beautiful smile that her mother has.

"How about you, Billy? Have you got everything you need?' I asked my son as I sipped my coffee.

"Yeah, I'm all set, dad."

"Well, Jenn, I'll drop them off with Bill and Mary later this afternoon. I'm taking them to the shops today amongst other places, is there anything you need while we're there?"

"No, I'm good thanks Mike. Billy could do with some new sneakers though; he goes through them way too quickly. I have no idea what he does with them, but they just don't last very long."

"Have you been using them as brakes on your bike again? Use your brakes, not your shoes." I said to Billy shaking my head a little.

I ushered both Billy and Samantha out the door and into my truck, I had several activities planned for today, going to the shopping center for lunch would be one of them. I drive the three-hour trip from Norfolk to Raleigh every Saturday morning to see them, heading home later that evening. Occasionally I sleep on Jennifer's couch overnight if I'm taking them for the Sunday service the following morning.

Both Jennifer and I have had two relationships each in the last five years that we've been divorced, none of which were that long lasting. We've both been single now for the last six months, for Jenn it's closer to a year. Our birthdays are coming up next weekend as well, I turn thirty with Jenn's turning twenty-nine. Both of us have our birthdays only one day apart although Jennifer is a year younger than me.

I can't help but think of her at this time of the year, we always used to celebrate our birthdays together, it was always a special time for us. I still get to celebrate with her now, but it's not the same for obvious reasons.

Billy is getting to the age where he's starting to ask a lot more questions too. Not just about random silly stuff, but actual questions. Today he finally asked me questions I've avoided wanting to answer for the last five years.

We were sitting having lunch, when out of the blue, Billy asked me about us, his parents.

"Dad, why aren't you and mom together anymore?"

I looked over at him taking a bite of my sandwich, how on earth do I answer this?

"Sometimes adults grow apart, when they're no longer in love." I replied, being a little vague.

"Didn't you love mom?" Billy fired back.

"Of course I did. Your mom's a wonderful person."

"So, why did you leave? Why weren't you in love with mom anymore?"

"Billy, it's complicated. It's not something that can be easily explained." I told him, but I was lying. I don't enjoy lying, but I didn't know what else to say to him and his sister.

"Did you love your last girlfriend." Billy again asked me.

"No, not like I loved your mother."

"Do you love mom now?"

"Why all the questions? Where is this coming from, Billy?"

"My friend Jake, his parents are getting divorced. He said they argue all the time and yell mean things at each other. I've never heard you yell at mom; I've never heard you and mom argue or say mean things to each other." Billy replied.

"Yeah, but we don't live together. Break-ups can be difficult, Billy. They're not all the same either. Me and your mom still get along well even though we're not together."

"So, why don't you get back together?"

"Billy, enough. I know you and your sister would both be happier if me and your mom were back together, I understand that. But things don't work like that. Okay?"

We continued to eat our lunch before we went on the hunt for some new sneakers. I got Sam a pretty new dress too just so she wouldn't feel left out. Later that afternoon I dropped the kids off at their grandparents' house, saying hello to Bill and Mary for a while before leaving for Norfolk. Jennifer works some of the afternoons and evenings as she's the chef for a restaurant downtown and Saturday night is their busiest night of the week.

I spent a big part of my trip driving home thinking about what Billy had asked me earlier. About why I left and why I didn't love Jennifer anymore. I know the reason why I left, and it's not that I didn't love Jennifer anymore, it's something else that I've never told her.

Our story is that we drifted apart, slowly falling out of love with each other. Well, that's how I framed it. For Jennifer, it was a little more frustrating than that simple explanation. She still loved me; it was me that 'drifted' away from her. I became less intimate, less loving to her and she couldn't understand why.

I did know why though, but at the time I simply couldn't tell her. And it's something that I still regret to this day. Not just for not telling her why, but for what I did to cause all this in the first place.

I cheated on her, plain and simple.

She was pregnant with Samantha and was having an uncomfortable third trimester. We'd stopped having sex due to that, not that the lack of sex at the time is an excuse I'm willing to afford myself. No, what I did was unforgivable, it was selfish, it was something I've struggled to deal with ever since. Especially during the year after I cheated on Jenn, I was finding it difficult to live with myself for what I'd done.

I may have only cheated on her that one time, but it ended up ruining our marriage, even though I've still never told Jenn what the actual cause was. Whenever I was with Jenn after that, I'd feel the guilt for what I did, the shame of having let her and our family down. I should've told her; I should've come clean and explained why I was having difficulty being around her, being intimate with her. That it wasn't her fault, it was something bad that I'd done.

The bottom line was that it was easier for me to walk away than to tell her the truth, to see the disappointment in Jennifer's eyes, to see that turn into rage or hatred for me. I've regretted that decision ever since. It feels like I've pushed the consequences for my actions down the road, to not ever deal with them.

It's a week later as I again make my way to Raleigh, I've been thinking about our birthday celebrations tonight along the way. Today is Jennifer's birthday, tomorrow is mine. Jennifer has been able to take tonight off work as well, she worked an extra shift during the week to make up for it.

As I greeted Billy and Sam in the living room, Jenn came out looking as wonderful as ever, but especially so today. She greets me with a hug, and we then give each other a kiss on the cheek saying happy birthday to one another.

"So, what's the plans for this evening? I forgot to ask when we spoke during the week." I asked Jennifer.

"We're having a cook-out at my parents' place. There'll be a few friends there as well, but nothing too big. Are you doing anything tomorrow night for your birthday back in Norfolk? Going out with friends or getting drunk?" Jennifer asked me.

"Me, drunk? Yeah, right. No, I don't have any plans for Sunday night, I'm happy to have my birthday a night early, here with you and the kids tonight."

Jennifer smiled and nodded at me; however, I couldn't help noticing the way she looked at me and gave me that warm smile. It was different to before, it was more of a loving smile, and it made me feel good inside. It's a feeling I haven't felt with Jennifer in a long time. Did I just imagine it, or was there something in that look of Her's?

We drove Jennifer's car to her parents' house as my truck is a single cab. There were already a few people there, I remembered a couple of them from our wedding day, some are Jenn's friends she's known since high school, some are friends of her parents.

The food was great, the weather as well. It was just one of those late afternoons and early evenings that make you feel good about life. I thought I noticed Jenn looking over at me every now and then when she was off talking to other guests, the way she used to when we were together. Am I reading too much into this, or maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part.

I'll admit that I do still burn a candle for Jennifer, I never really stopped being in love with her over the last five years we've been apart. Me leaving her was more because of the guilt I felt and the fear of her hating me for what I'd done, rather than me ever losing my love for her. From her point of view, it wouldn't have looked very different.

I found it hard when she was dating another man as well, deep down I always felt that I was the only man she belongs with. The two relationships I've had since our divorce were doomed before they began as well, it's difficult to be with someone new when you're still in love with your ex-wife.

I tried to shake off these thoughts and just enjoy the evening, I'm probably reading way more into this than I should be.

After we had all eaten and were mingling a little more, I found myself sitting on the back steps overlooking the gathering, watching people talking and laughing, my kids and a few others running wild around the back yard. Jennifer spotted me and excused herself, walking over and sitting beside me on the steps.

"How are you enjoying yourself tonight, old man?" Jenn asked me with a smile.

"You'll never let that go, will you? One year difference and I'm the old man? I still think I'm in better shape than most guys that are twenty." I replied while chuckling.

"Yeah, you are. For a guy in his thirties, you still look pretty damn good."

"Hey, I'm not thirty until midnight. I've still got a few goods hours of my twenties left."

"And what are you planning on doing with them?"

"Spending them with the people I love, of course."

"Love huh, that's a fairly strong word to use. I didn't think you'd even remember my old school friends from our wedding, but that you love them..." Jenn laughed out loud.

"Well, maybe not love them, or your parent's friends. Just love for my family here, your parents, our kids." I replied.

"And not the birthday girl? You're not going to let a little thing like divorce get in the way of loving me too, are you?" Jenn joked further, she always had a way of teasing me, of trying to get me to say things I normally wouldn't.

"Yeah, I still love you too. Even though you're almost thirty now." I laughed back.

We smiled at each other before we looked back over at the people gathered in front of us and at our kids running around.

"Thanks for coming tonight, Mike. It wouldn't feel right having my birthday without you."

"I feel the same way. I can't help thinking about you when I think of my birthday, our birthdays." I offered.

"Do you spend much time thinking about me?" Jenn asked, I had a feeling it was a loaded question.

"Yeah, I do."

Jenn places her arm in mine and leans against me as we sit here watching the party. This is the first time we've shown each other any sort of casual affection apart from kissing each other's cheeks or the occasional hugs when saying hello or goodbye. This felt different, I've got butterflies in my stomach as I sit here with her.

"Do you ever wonder about if we'd done things differently? If we'd talked to each other more back then, how it might be different for us now?" Jenn asked me.

"Yeah, all the time. Let's just say I have some big regrets." I offered.

Jennifer looks up at me, searching my eyes for a moment trying to understand what I mean by that.

"What regrets, Mike? What do you mean?"

I went silent, I couldn't tell her. Not yet, not like this.

"Mike?" Jenn asked again as she took my hand in hers.

I looked back into her eyes, I'd love nothing more than to be free of this burden, to be truthful to her. But I know what it would do to her, how she'd feel about me afterwards.

Jenn leans in and kisses me softly. It isn't something I was expecting, although it is something I've wanted. At first, I'm a little reluctant to kiss her back while I'm processing that this is actually happening. But then I do kiss her back lovingly. I've missed her touch, her kiss, I've missed her.

Our loving kiss lasts for about twenty seconds, before we finally end it. I let out a sigh, this has gone further than it should have. I don't want to be romantically involved with Jennifer without first being honest with her about what happened last time. I don't want to be in the same position all over again, I can't do that to her again.

"What is it, Mike? What's wrong? Did I overstep things here a little?" Jennifer asks me, she can tell that I'm somehow not comfortable with what's transpired.

"Jenn, it's just... No, you didn't overstep. I wanted this too, for so long, really. But I can't do this with you right now, there are things we need to talk about first."

"Well, I'm sitting right here." Jenn replies while giving my hand a slight squeeze.

"No, not here. Maybe we can go back to your place so we can talk. We can leave the kids here with your parents tonight."

"What, are you saying you want to take me home tonight, alone? People will talk, you know." Jenn smiled, trying to lighten the mood.

"That's not what I meant. Although that would be one hell of a birthday present." I offered.

"What's stopping us, Mike?"

"We need to talk first, seriously Jenn."

"Alright, Mike. Tonight, we can leave the kids here, we can go home later and have this talk that you want so badly. Any objections?"

"None at all." I replied.

I need to get my thoughts together; I need to figure out how I go about telling her what happened. What am I saying? No amount of spin is going to soften the blow for what I need to tell her. This is going to have to be one of those 'ripping the band-aid off' moments.

As the party started to wind down, Jenn and I made our way out to her car after we'd both said goodnight to our kids, along with her parents. On the drive home, I could feel the dread in my bones, my anxiety was through the roof. Finally, I'm going to do what I should've done over five years ago, to tell her the truth and own what I did. I know this isn't going to be easy for Jennifer to hear this, I'm just hoping above hope that she won't hate me afterwards. Although that's the most likely outcome.

Jennifer went into her bedroom to get changed while I made us both a coffee. I sat down at the dining table waiting for her return, it feels like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff, wondering if I'm going to fall over the edge.

Jenn sat down across from me and took a sip of her coffee, looking into my eyes, no doubt wondering what this is all about.

"Well, let's talk, Mike. I know I probably shouldn't have kissed you earlier tonight, but I'm not sorry for that. Can we start this off by being honest about how we feel about each other?" Jennifer said then took another sip of her coffee without losing eye contact with me.

"Jennifer, I still love you, okay. That's the honest truth. I've never really stopped loving you. But there's something we really do need to discuss first. It's about why we got divorced in the first place." I responded.

"Okay, I'm listening."

"Well, where do I start? I think I know how frustrating, how confusing it must have been for you when I started to distance myself after Samantha was born. That I never explained properly why I did that, that to you, it probably seemed like I wasn't in love with you anymore." I offered.

"It did. But we tried talking about this back then, at least I did, anyway. It's just that, well, you'd clam up, you'd go silent and then want to be on your own. It felt like I'd done something wrong, that you didn't even like me touching you, that being close to me was the last thing you wanted." Jennifer replied solemnly.

"It was. But not because of something you did. It was me; it was something I did." I responded, looking away from Jenn for a moment, trying to give myself the courage before I looked back into her eyes.

"I did something unforgiveable when you were almost ready to give birth to Sam, I've avoided saying this to you for fear that you'd hate me, but I have to be honest with you now if there's ever going to be a future for us together. Jenn, I cheated on you."

Jennifer's eyes grow wide, her mouth is open, I'm not sure she was expecting this.

Her eyes then narrowed as she got up from the table and ran towards her bedroom. I'm left sitting here, not sure what to do right now. I want to follow her and give her comfort but I'm guessing I'm the last person she wants to hear from right now.

Twenty minutes have now passed, and Jenn still hasn't come out of her bedroom. I need to do something, I need to talk with her, see how she's doing. I slowly make my way down the hallway, and I can now hear a quiet sobbing from her bedroom. As I reach the door, I can see Jenn laying in a fetal position on the bed, tears streaming down her cheeks.