Resounding Silence: Prologue

Special note: This is a love story between two men who were brought together in the aftermath of tragedy. A lot of the subject matter deals with depression and the struggles that come with mental illness, but it also is a story of hope, second chances, and a bond that is stronger than sorrow, hopelessness, and even death. While there will be some steamy parts to this story in upcoming chapters don't lose sight that the real story is about how pain and loss can unite people, and that new relationships, strong bonds of friendship and love, and strength in the face of heartache, can help to overcome any obstacle. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy this new series. ~Chance~

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Prologue

Jesse couldn't believe that he'd been so stupid. He felt like such an ass. He lay in the hospital bed and thought about the events of the past few days that had brought him there.

He'd had problems with depression ever since he was a teenager. When he turned twenty-one he'd finally got a medication that really helped but lately his depression had gotten worse. There were a lot of contributing factors though. He'd recently been fired from his job of four years through no fault of his own. Not unless you count telling off a fat, lazy, nurse who'd rather sit on her ass watching call lights go off then actually get up and help answer them. They had been short staffed. Jesse and one other aide were the only ones on shift that night for the east wing. Normally there were three aides and a floater on staff.

The floater helped answer call lights, passed ice water, and helped the other three aides with transfers and anything else they needed. The lack of the floater and the third aide made things a lot more difficult and on top of that the aide Jesse worked with was pregnant and couldn't lift anyone! The entire night had been such a mess but Jesse was doing his best to get the work done but with his co-worker coming up to him every five minutes and asking for help, it was really putting him behind. When the nurse announced that she was going to write him up he became enraged.

"What the hell for?" He practically screamed at her. "I've been working my ass off all night!"

"Not from what I have seen." Caroline, the registered nurse, told him. "I've been sitting at my desk for twenty minutes watching your hall. Ellen had her light on the entire time and you never once went down to answer it. Her room mate had to pull the emergency light because Ellen fell on her way to the bathroom!"

Jesse stared at Caroline in disbelief. "I've been on 'B' hall for the past thirty minutes helping Carrie change her residents." He argued. "I haven't even gotten to my hall yet. Instead of sitting on your ass watching the lights why weren't you down there helping me to answer them? You know we're short staffed!"

Caroline rolled her eyes as she put her hands on her hips. "It's not my job to answer call lights!" She hissed. "You need to learn to manage your time better, and I don't appreciate the way you're speaking to me. I'm your superior, I deserve a bit more respect than that."

Jesse raised an eyebrow. "You're my 'supervisor' because you have a degree but I've taken the same classes and have had the same training as you, I just haven't taken the nurses exam yet. So no, you are NOT my superior! As far as I'm concerned you're a piss poor excuse for a nurse. I remember when you were just an aide. You didn't do anything but sit on your ass back then either! If you want me to show you some respect then do something to earn it!"

That was the last straw for Caroline. She added insubordination to the write up form, which Jesse refused to sign. Ordinarily he would have been sent home for refusing to sign the write up but since they were so short Caroline opted to let him stay. He got a call from the care centers Administrator the next morning though and when he went into the office to speak with her he was told that she was terminating his employment. Caroline had told the Administrator that he was cursing and yelling in front of residents, and that he'd told Caroline to go fuck herself.

Jesse was adamant that none of that was true. There were no residents in ear shot, they were in the nurses office at the time, he had told her that she should have gotten off her ass but that was the only curse word he used. Still, his behavior was deemed inappropriate and he was let go. He cleaned out his locker, slamming the door hard enough that the metal clanked loudly enough that the aides in the break room came into the locker room to see what was wrong. "I've been canned." He told them. "Watch yourselves, this place is corrupt." He gathered his belongings then left the building. By the time He got to his car he was in tears. He had no idea what he was going to do now. But that was just the start of his troubles.

Over the next few days things just went bad to worse. Jesse called his mom, Judy, and told her about what had happened. He'd hoped for some sympathy or even a bit of motherly advice but instead what he got was a lecture about how he needed to watch his temper.

"You're Thirty-two years old!" She harped at him. "You have two children! You can't afford to be without a job!" As if he didn't already know that.

The bills were piling up and he was almost out of food. He was left with two options. Pay the electric or let the kids starve. Neither seemed reasonable so he did the next best thing. He started begging for help. He asked his mom for money, he went to catholic charities, and to the red cross. They both gave him a list of food banks that he could use. The red cross had emergency funds for housing but he'd paid the rent already. He needed money for his electric bill which was over 200 dollars since he hadn't paid it in two months. He figured that he could maybe pay half of it but he also had to factor in money for gas, diapers, wipes, and any other things he would need in the coming weeks.

Everything seemed hopeless. He was a single father with no job, living in a trailer with a five year old, a three year old, and no money. Even his current boyfriend Keith was little help. Jesse had suggested that they move in together to help off set the cost but Keith had never really been that keen on the idea of having kids. He was young, in his twenties still. He wanted to party all night, come home drunk, and sleep all day. Not the kind of life that Jesse wanted nor could afford. Keith was growing frustrated. He worked part time as a check out clerk and made just enough money to get by on so he couldn't help out financially. Most of the time he borrowed money off Jesse so Jesse's lack of income was a real problem for him.

Keith also couldn't deal with the ups and downs of Jesse's depression and anxiety. When Jesse tried to confide in him, Keith just rolled his eyes and sighed. "It's always something with you." He groaned as he got up from the couch and walked to the window. "Always drama. I'm sick of it. You never want to go out anywhere, there's always an issue for you finding a baby sitter. I don't want to just hang out around your house and watch movies all night. When I do come over you end up falling asleep or the kids wake up. Always something. Hell, we haven't even has sex in a month! What am I supposed to do? Jerk off the rest of my life?"

"Is sex all you care about?" Jesse asked him.

Keith narrowed his eyes. "No, it's not. But it seems like you don't care about it at all."

Jesse shrugged. "I work full time and I have kids. I'm tiered. Most of the time I just want to relax. You know I'm not into the bar scene anymore. You knew that when we met but it seems like whenever we talk about getting together you just want to go out and drink, party all night, then come back here and fuck. Whatever happened to dinner and a movie? I might be more response to you if you didn't want to drag me around to clubs all night long."

"And that's the problem." Keith told him. "I don't want to slow down and I don't want to settle down. Honestly, I don't think I'm even ready for a serious relationship right now. You talk about us moving in together and that just makes me think that maybe you're more invested in us than I am."

Jesse narrowed his eyes as he frowned. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Keith turned and looked at Jesse. His tone was soft but serious. "I like you. I like you a lot. Your sexy as hell but I don't want to be exclusive. I'm young and there are a lot of hot guys out there. I'm not ready to tie myself down to just one person."

Jesse took a deep breath as he rubbed the back of his neck. "My days of sleeping around are over." He said, his voice sounding small and far away. "And I'm too old to be your boy toy. If you want multiple partners then there is no us."

Keith nodded. "I'm glad you said it." He admitted. "I've been thinking the same thing. You're a great guy Jess, but we want different things. It was never going to work out anyway."

"No, I suppose not." Jesse felt tears well up in his eyes.

Keith took a hesitant step towards him but Jesse shook his head. "Just go." He said, his voice cracking. "Don't make this any harder than it has to be."

"Alright." Keith turned and walked to the door. He stopped, looked back at Jesse who had his back to him. He was about to say something then stopped, sighed, and walked out the door. When Jesse heard the door close behind him he let out a breath and let the tears fall, grateful that he hadn't started crying while Keith was still there. If nothing else he had to at least appear strong. Never let them see your weakness, never let them see you cry. That's something his father had taught him and it was a lesson he never forgot.

The next week was like torture. Jesse did his best to stay positive and upbeat but it seemed like every thing he did caused his depression to get worse. For t he first time since either of his children had been born he was distant and inattentive. He did the whole "daddy" thing. He fed them, changed his daughter, bathed and dressed them. He kept them safe and did everything that was required of a good parent but his heart wasn't really in it. Bed time stories became non-existent. He didn't take the kids to the park or play with them. All he wanted to do was lay in his bed and sleep, or cry.

He woke up on a Saturday morning and as soon as he looked at his alarm clock his heart sank. They'd shut off his electric while he was asleep. That was the last bit of disappointment he could take. He gathered up the kids, drove to McDonald's and got them each breakfast with what little money he had left, then drove to his moms house. She wasn't thrilled when he told her what had happened and she lectured him again about being more responsible. He didn't even have the heart to argue with her. Instead he just asked her to keep the kids long enough for him to figure out what to do. Honestly, he'd hoped she would have volunteered to pay the electric bill but she didn't. She did agree to keep the kids but told him it was only temporary and that he needed to sort things out and soon.

He just nodded and left, saying good-bye and hugging the kids. At that point he hadn't made up his mind what to do. He had less than fifty dollars to his name. He'd put in several applications but no one had called him for an interview. Since it was a Saturday there weren't any charities open that could potentially help him out so he was at a loss. In a last ditch effort he called the manager of the trailer park and asked if there was anyway that he could have the electric turned back on in his name and Jesse agreed to make payments on the existing balance to get it paid off. The manager said no and reminded Jesse that rent would be due in a week. He was also concerned that Jesse wouldn't h ave the money for the rent.

"I'll get the money, Chuck." Jesse assured him.

"How?" Chuck asked. "You don't have a job. You can't even pay your utilities. How are you going to make the rent?"

Jesse ran his hand through his hair and sighed. "I don't know." He said. "I can probably talk my mom into paying it."

Chuck took a deep breath as he thought about it. "I don't kid." He said, the hint of disappointment in his voice. "I'm sorry Jess. I know you have kids and all but I'm going to need you out by the first."

Jesse was floored. "What!" He cried. "You can't kick me out! I'm not late on the rent yet."

"No." Chuck agreed. "You're paid up for this month, that's why I'm letting you stay till the end of the month but your on a month to month leases and I reserve the right to not renew your lease and due to the current circumstances I'm exercising that right. I'm sorry but you need to be out by the first."

"Where am I supposed to go?" Jesse was in tears. He couldn't believe what was happening. It didn't seem fair to him but legally he didn't have a leg to stand on. Chuck was right. He was on a month to month lease and either party had the right to terminate the lease for any reason without fear of legal repercussions. Jesse had signed the lease when he moved in and he knew damn well what he was signing.

"I don't know kid." Chuck told him. "But it's not my problem. Move back in with your parents until you get back on your feet."

"I can't." Jesse sobbed. "There is no way that they would let me move back in with them. Please, just give me a chance to get the money. I know I can. I can call the red cross on Monday."

"Sorry kid, I can't take that chance." Chuck hung up and Jesse dropped the phone to the floor. He'd hit rock bottom and in his mind, there was no way back now. He had no more options and worst of all, he felt like a total failure of a father.

"My kids deserve better than this." He cried to himself. "They deserve better than me. I'm a fuck up. My parents know it. My mom hates me. Everyone else would be better off it I wasn't even around."

That's when he'd decided that there was only one thing left for him to do. One thing that, he thought, would make everyone happy. He wouldn't be a burden to anyone anymore and he was convinced that his kids would be better off without him. They could be adopted by a really nice family and have a good life. He was just holding them back and preventing them from growing up happy. "They're young." He thought to himself. "In time, they won't even remember me."

Jesse went to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. He looked at the different medications he had. Night time cough medicine, aspirin, Prozac, and Trazodone were among the medications he found. He gathered them up and took them into the kitchen, placing them on the table. He went to the sink and got a glass of water then returned to the table, sat down, and poured all the pills out into a pile. Crying, he reached out with his hands shaking, and picked up the cough medicine. He unscrewed the cap and drank the half bottle that was left. Next he picked up the assortment of pills and started taking them three at a time, taking a drink of water between each dose.

After five minutes he'd taken everything that was laid out on the table. At first he didn't feel anything. Maybe a bit drowsy but that was all. He looked at the empty medicine containers and his body began to shake all over. The only regrets he had at the moment were leaving his children behind and not being able to see them grow up but still, he felt that he was doing what was best for everyone. His children, his mother, anyone that he'd burdened over the years. Finally they would be free of him.

As he became more disoriented a sort of panic set in. "I need to sleep." He told himself. "I'll drift off to sleep peacefully and then it will be over." He managed to push himself up from the kitchen chair but at once his legs felt rubbery and he had trouble standing. He was dizzy, he felt cold, and his stomach turned. Before he could help it, he'd vomited all over the floor. It came like a rush of rancid tasting stomach acid, sour and burning. He cried out, reached for the kitchen chair to steady himself but fell to the floor, taking the chair with him.

As he lay there the panic became worse. He couldn't breath. His heart was racing. He felt chest pains and his body was ridged as though he were about to seize. This wasn't what he'd planned on. He wanted to drift off into a peaceful sleep and never wake up but now he was scared. He began sobbing uncontrollably and he tried desperately to pull himself to his feet but his body wasn't cooperating. That's when it sank in that this was real. He was dying. All he could do was lay there and pray to God that it happened quick and he would soon be put out of his misery.

Jesse had no idea how long he lay there. Everything from the moment he fell the floor became a blur. He heard someone calling his name. A woman. But her voice was quiet and sounded far away. Was he imagining it or was she the angel of death come to take him at last? There was a darkness surrounding him now but it was cut away by flashes of bright light. Someone was shining something in his eyes. He felt himself being lifted. There were hands all around him. Indistinct voices mumbled things that he couldn't understand but he could feel himself moving. Almost as if he were floating. A cold breeze hit him and he shivered, then a bright light blinded him from seeing anything.

He was outside, he knew that. The smell of pine and freshly mowed grass was surprisingly strong but then replaced but something that smelled more antiseptic, like alcohol and hand sanitizer. Something was being placed over his face. It was cold and smothering. The sterile, rubbery scent of it was nauseating. Jesse's first thought was to pull it off but he couldn't get his arms to move. He felt his shirt being ripped off as his chest was exposed and again he felt a burst of cold, like metal. A sharp pain ripped through his chest and he gasped.

"We've got a pulse." A male voice announced.

"Lets go." He heard a second male say.

There was a loud bang like a heavy door being slammed and then the roar of an engine and he was moving again. Confusion over took him. He closed his eyes. His head was throbbing and the lights above were only making it worse. 'Sleep.' He thought to himself. 'Just let me sleep.' The hum of the engine was suddenly soothing and even despite the pain in his body and the feeling of being held down and unable to move, he was finally able to just relax some and let the darkness overtake him.

"Stay with us kid." He heard a voice whisper in the distance. "We're almost there."

'Let me go.' Jesse thought as he drifted off to sleep. 'Just let me go.'