Respect Ch. 01

Cassie, finally, blew out an exasperated sigh and got up to pace. It was then that I realized it didn't matter what I said or did. Ted would twist it around to make me appear inadequate. And Cassie was so desperate to stay on the Partnership path that she could see nothing else.

"Doesn't it bother you that your wife makes six times what you do?" she said with a condescending tone. "Don't you have any self-respect? If you don't respect yourself, how can I?"

"No, it doesn't bother me," I said with a nasty tone in my voice. "And it didn't use to bother you until Ted arrived."

"Ted has nothing to do with this," Cassie said defensively.

"Bullshit!" I said as the anger was now bubbling to the surface. "I do have a lot of respect for myself, and I resent like hell that you're trying to demean me."             

Cassie recoiled slightly, and it seemed that she was now uncertain. Then her tone softened. "Andy, you're one of the best accountants I've ever worked with. I know that our firm would take you back in a heartbeat. In fact, I heard that Fred's retiring, and I'm sure that you'd have an opportunity to get back on the Partnership track again."

I looked into my beautiful wife's eyes, and it seemed that Cassie truly wanted that to happen. Maybe she still did love me, but I had serious doubts. In my mind, I decided that Cassie just wanted me to have what she felt was a "respectable" job. However, I was never going back to accounting. If she couldn't respect what I was doing, then our marriage was doomed anyway.

This conversation was a waste of time. I knew that once Cassie had made up her mind, that was it. She wasn't going to be dissuaded without something really fucking big to prove her wrong. I was tired of waiting for the ax to fall.

"I don't want to argue about this anymore," I said, feeling tired and sad. I still loved this woman with my entire being. It was crushing my very soul that our marriage was coming apart. I was pretty sure I knew what was coming and just wanted to get it over with. "So why don't you just say what you want to say."

"I can't keep going on the way things are going," she said with a look of uncertainty. At least Cassie hadn't told me that she was replacing me with Ted. Still, this conversation was ripping me apart. But I knew it was best to get it all out. Rip the band-aid off as they say.

"Okay," I said, trying not to lose my self-control. "So far, you don't respect me, and I need to get a real job. Is there anything else you want to dump on me?"

My wife seemed even more unsure at that point, but she continued. "Andy, I'm tired of people looking down at me because of my husband. I'm tired of having to defend you all the time. Ted tells me that the Partners are on the fence about me taking the next step. I've worked too long and too hard to lose everything because you won't do what's right. How can a wife have respect for her husband when he shirks his responsibilities?"

I looked Cassie straight in her eyes. I was sure that Cassie saw the anger in mine as she turned her face away.

"I have never shirked my responsibilities," I snapped. "I've been at every one of our kid's events at school. How many have you been to? Also, I take care of the repairs and the lawns for your mausoleum. What do you do to keep that house going? Oh, that's right, you hired a maid to clean it and have meals delivered because you don't have time to cook. And despite all the disrespect you've heaped on me, I have loved you with all of my heart. So, I think you best leave that subject alone."

I stood up at that point, and we stared at each other. I was fighting to retain my cool. I had no idea what Cassie was thinking. But I decided to find out.

"Okay," I said, finally finding some calm despite the hurt and anger I felt, "what is it you think I need to do?"

A smile filled Cassie's face, and she opened her briefcase. "It's simple, Andy. I've spoken to HR, and I've got an employment application here. I've also spoken to several of the Partners, including the Chairman of the Board, Mr. Bracken. They're all on board to have you rejoin the firm. It would include two hundred thousand dollars starting salary."

I looked at the application and tossed it on the coffee table. "And if I don't want to rejoin the firm?"

Cassie pulled another folder out of her briefcase. "I spoke to an attorney that specializes in family law. If you haven't wrapped up your writing assignments and applied for the position at my firm or sought employment from another firm within ninety days, I intend to file for divorce."

That was the crushing blow. And it had all been orchestrated by Ted Walker. But Cassie was too blinded by Ted's bullshit to see it. I was beaten, and I knew it. All I could think about was the Kenny Rogers' song, The Gambler, "Know when to hold them and know when to fold them." It was time to "fold them." I grabbed the divorce papers and glanced through them.

"If I'm forced to file for a divorce, you'll see that the terms are quite fair. Andy, I don't want to go that route, and I don't want to hurt you. But Ted says that if you don't change, there's no way for me to become a Partner."

I skimmed through the divorce papers, and she was right. It was a very fair settlement. She would pay me half the house's equity, she would add our two 401-k accounts together and give me half, there would be no child support, but she would have primary custody of the kids. I would have liberal visitation rights, and Cassie would pay me three thousand dollars a month in alimony for five years. I was furious. I took out my pen and made several changes. Then I signed the document and dated it today.

"Why wait?" I said as I tossed the divorce papers onto the coffee table on top of the application. "I made several changes in the terms. First, I don't want a damn penny from that monstrosity of a house. That house was your decision and your money with no input from me. Also, I don't want your damn alimony. I want nothing to do with your 401-K, even though it's six times larger than mine. I insist on joint custody of the kids, and there won't be any child support because they'll be living every other month with me. I've signed it already, so you can go ahead and file it. Then go fuck Ted all you want."

"I am not having an affair with Ted!" Cassie flared with shock and anger in her voice.

"It doesn't matter, Cassie. If you haven't done it already, you will be once the divorce is final. This is a great deal for you. Sign the papers."

"No," Cassie said adamantly. "I said that I'd give you ninety days, and I'm going to stick to that. I hope you'll come to your senses."

Before I totally lost it, I got up, grabbed my laptop, and left the room.

Cassie

I watched as Andy stormed out. I was so upset by the outcome of our discussion that I was shaking. It had seemed straightforward and the right thing to do when Ted and I discussed it. I couldn't decide whether I was upset because Andy had so quickly dismissed my concerns or that Andy was prepared to move on without me. Ted had assured me that if I took a hard line, Andy would immediately come around.

I had expected the meeting to be tough, and I expected Andy to argue. I didn't expect the meeting to deteriorate into the disaster it had. I never expected Andy to act this way. But maybe Ted was right. Maybe it was time for me to move on. There was no doubt that I was seriously attracted to Ted Walker. Was Andy right that it was only a matter of time before I slept with Ted? I didn't know, and that scared me.

Ted truly was everything that Andy wasn't. Ted was a man's man. I could see the other men and women always seeking Ted's approval. The clients loved him, and most of the women in the office were in love with him. Andy was not unattractive. He was an eight and a half or a nine, but Ted was an eleven. And Ted was a Full Partner. To me, he epitomized what a man should strive to be. It was so confusing. Andy and I had been happy, but maybe it was time that we moved on in our own directions. Damn you, Andy! Why were you making everything so complicated? Ted seemed to be right about my husband.

The more I thought about it, the angrier I got at Andy for being selfish. He knew how much a Partnership meant to me. It had been a ton of hard work, and it had taken a lot longer to get as close as I had. It wasn't until Ted had arrived from New York that I felt I was finally getting close, and now Andy was screwing up my chances.

I had heard grumblings about Ted, but it seemed quite apparent to me that those complaints came from men who felt threatened by him. There was some talk of affairs, and I suppose that could be true. However, whenever I'd seen Ted and his wife, Sylvia, he was so loving and attentive to her. But Sylvia seemed cold and distant to most of Ted's associates, especially any women.

I wanted to talk to Ted, but since his wife would be with him on this trip, it would be imprudent to just pick up the phone and call. Ted's wife would be seriously displeased if I did that. Still, I and three others would be having a business meeting with him tomorrow night to discuss several clients. We would also be reviewing what I needed to do over the next three months to secure the Junior Partnership. I decided to use part of this meeting to discuss my problems concerning Andy. Maybe I should just take the divorce papers and file them. No, I had promised to wait ninety days.

Everything in my home life was falling apart. The love that Andy and I had shared for so many years had been wonderful. I think I fell in love with Andy the first time I met him. He was good-looking, not up to Ted's standard, but good-looking nonetheless. But it was his eyes and his smile that captivated me. Andy had such kind eyes, and when he smiled, you could almost feel the warmth coming off him. Early on, I used to get jealous any time another girl flirted with him. But after years of being married, I trusted Andy completely. Now everything seemed to be turned upside down, and I was no longer sure. I couldn't decide how I felt about our relationship. However, Ted would be there and, he could help me no matter which way things went with Andy.

This whole confrontation had shaken me to my core. I started to wonder if I was falling out of love with my husband? Just a year ago, that would have been unthinkable. But it was true; I no longer respected him. When I compared him to Ted, Andy seemed woefully lacking.

Andy had written two books so far, and neither had been published. He must have received the equivalent of a filing cabinet full of rejection slips. As sad as it was to admit, he didn't seem to be the same man I had married. If I couldn't respect my husband, then our marriage couldn't possibly survive. I wanted him to be more like Ted. And if Andy wouldn't shape up, maybe... well, I didn't know at this point.

The thoughts of divorce were causing a sick feeling in my stomach. If Andy refused to change, would I really divorce him? If I wanted to make Partner, I'd have to, wouldn't I? It was at this point that someone knocked on the door. When I opened it, I found Kevin and Sally standing there.

"Is dad here?" Kevin asked.

"His stuff is here," Sally said as she spied his suitcase and garment bag on the bed. "He must have arrived. Where is he, mom?"

"It's not my job to keep track of your father," I said testily.

Both kids got quiet and stared at me.

"Did you and dad have a fight?" Sally asked cautiously.

"That's none of your business," I snapped.

"They had a fight," Kevin said and grabbed Sally's arm. "Let's go see if we can find dad. I want to see if he'll team up with me for the trivia contest this afternoon."

After they left, I sat down on the bed. Now, I was even angrier. Andy was turning our children against me. I desperately needed to talk to Ted. He'd calm me down and tell me how to sort everything out. I looked at the divorce papers on the coffee table again and was tempted to sign them. That would put Andy in his place. Then when he came crawling back, he'd have no choice but drop the silly writing thing. And when he did come crawling back, maybe I'd take him back, and maybe I wouldn't. But what if he didn't come crawling back? The longer I looked at those papers, the more I knew I wouldn't send them. At least, not yet. But after the ninety days, I told myself, I would file for divorce if Andy didn't change.

Andy

I stormed out of our hotel room, humiliated and angry. In some respects, however, it was my own fault. I could have gotten rid of Ted way back when, but I just didn't care about him. I had no idea that he was holding such a grudge, and his revenge seemed to be destroying my marriage. Back then, I was paying very little attention to that pompous ass. I was unhappy at work and had discovered my love of writing. At that time, I was much more interested in learning my craft than what Ted was up to.

After my first article, I started writing little human-interest pieces for the local newspaper, and they ran all of them. Of course, I realized that the local paper would like them because they didn't have to pay for them. But then a couple of them were run in the Austin American-Statesman. I still didn't get paid, but it was a great ego boost.

Somewhere in all of that, I started writing my first novel. When I finished it, I tried to get a publisher interested with no success. I must have gotten close to four hundred rejection letters. I wrote many of the publishers two and three times, trying new pitches. Regardless, they all turned me down. But that didn't stop me; I started writing my second book.

While getting more and more involved in writing, I got more and more miserable at work. On the other hand, Cassie was thriving and had gotten two promotions of her own. We were coasting financially, but I knew I had to make a change, or I would come unglued.

At first, I was unsure of how to get writing assignments. Then I discovered several online websites for dozens of magazines. I looked over the types of articles written and began developing ideas of my own. When I had a dozen or so ideas that I thought were good enough for articles, I'd query the magazines. My first dozen attempts were rejected, and I was getting discouraged. Then one of my ideas hit, and I earned three hundred dollars. With that encouragement, I continued querying. Soon, about one out of every five suggestions were accepted.

Early on, I would get pieces sent back, either rejected or with suggested changes. I eagerly rewrote those and resubmitted them. All but one of them was published. After a few months, my articles weren't being sent back, and almost all of them were printed. Then I pitched an idea to a fitness magazine. I had met a strength coach for one of the NFL teams. He had told me about his own personal fitness routine, which I thought was very comprehensive and something anyone could do. The magazine loved the idea, and so did the strength coach. That article paid me seven hundred and fifty dollars.

In the first year of my writing, I only made forty-five hundred dollars. But I was getting better and getting better known. In the second year, I made over fourteen thousand dollars. However, I was stretched to my limit doing this. Early on, I promised myself that I would only write in my free time. I didn't want to take time away from my family or my job. But then, I found myself cheating on that promise, so I scaled back on the articles and worked on my second book. When I finished it, I had no more luck selling it than I'd had with my first. So, I went back to writing magazine articles.

I discussed my unhappiness with Cassie, but she never really understood. She had only been mildly interested when they published the first few articles I'd written. Now Cassie wasn't interested in them at all. She just considered it a hobby. Cassie kept telling me that I was just in a slump, and I'd come out of it. In the meantime, I shouldn't do anything stupid. However, an incident at work settled my dilemma. I got into a "pissing match" with Fred Tompkins, a Partner. I should have known that going against a Partner was a "no-win" situation.

Fred was a total ass. Why he was a Partner was beyond me. I mean, from a technical aspect, Fred knew his stuff. But in truth, he didn't dirty his hands with any real work. However, what really made it a nightmare for me was that Fred was one of those who should never be a boss. His subordinates hated him because he took credit for everything good and blamed someone else when anything went wrong. I despised the man, but as I look back, I probably should have thanked him. Fred was the one who finally got me out of my hated job.

As my depression at work grew, Cassie was still working her way, slowly, up the corporate ladder. I didn't have the heart to tell her that she would never make Partner. The truth of the matter was that Cassie simply didn't have what it took. A big part of being a Partner was developing new business. Cassie was a great accountant but wasn't a good salesperson. Perhaps, she had a shot at Junior Partner. But she was years away from even that, if at all. There was no question of me telling her any of this. It was a territory that I was never going to enter. It was a subject that would just drive another wedge between us.

After a few years, more and more writing assignments were coming to me without any solicitation. But as my freelance writing assignments became more profitable, Fred decided I would be his latest fall guy.

It all came to a head when Fred blamed me for an audit that had failed to catch an irregularity. We had heated words, and he gave me a written reprimand. In turn, I pulled out all of my work papers to prove that the irregularity had been caught, but the person who prepared the final summary had missed it. I wrote a detailed letter to New York showing that the blunder was Fred's responsibility because he failed to review the work properly. I don't know whether they reprimanded Fred or not, but they let my reprimand stand. I could file an appeal and have a hearing on the matter. Instead, I quit.

Cassie was furious with me for quitting and wanted me to go back in and apologize. This was the very first time that I had actually gotten angry at Cassie. I told her that it would be a cold day in hell before I apologized to Fred Tompkins or anyone. I had done nothing wrong.

I slept in the guest room that night, by my choice, and stayed there for two more days. On the morning of the fourth day, I found Cassie crying in the kitchen. She asked me if I was going to leave her? I took her in my arms and kissed her softly. I told her that I would never leave her unless she asked me to go. She called in sick that day, and we spent it in bed.

Now I was in the hotel bar contemplating my failed marriage. I probably would have been crying in a drink if I hadn't already been expecting this. Well, now it was out in the open. The ball was in Cassie's court. If she wanted a divorce, I had already signed the papers.

Cassie

The more I thought about my problems with my husband, the more upset I was becoming. Why was he such a pigheaded fool? We should be discussing our issues, but he seemed determined to walk away from our marriage. He seemed to want the divorce. And that's when I felt very uncertain. If we did get a divorce, what would life be like then? If Ted was available, would I want to be with him? But he was married, and I certainly didn't want to mess up his marriage. Would I be content to have an affair with Ted? He had hinted at us having one, and I have to admit that I had toyed with the idea. I mean, what woman wouldn't at least fantasize about Ted. Until now, the thought of actually cheating on Andy was unthinkable, but now I didn't know. The question I needed to answer was whether I still loved my husband? I was so confused and scared.