Rev. Thomas, Matchmaker

Chapter 1

Bridesmaid Gael Hemmings, already bored from the dreariest church wedding that she'd ever attended, listened to her friend and the chief bridesmaid Ruby Evans, struggle to say uplifting things about the bride, their unspectacular fringe-friend, Betty Smith.

Betty's father had abandoning the family thirteen years earlier and the bride's mother, affected by dementia and appearing rather lost at the wedding, thinking she was attending her older sister's wedding that had occurred 28 years earlier.

As Ruby finished and collapsed into her seat, not bothering to conceal her look of huge relief, Gael winked at her, unable to think of a better way to communicate sympathetically, and Ruby sucked in air and smiled appreciatively.

Well, that was something uplifting.

Betty took the option to speak, leaving Ruby and Gael unconcerned because they knew the bride was a natural motor-mouth.

Unexpectedly, the final part of the mostly predictable speech left Gael in deep thought.

In thanking everyone, right down to Mrs Owens the church's special events booking clerk, Betty then said, "Finally, in thanking Stephen for loving me to bits and becoming my husband, my special thanks go to the Rev. Thomas for opening the pathway that eventually brought Stephen and me together. In our case, it only needed a simple invitation for Rev. Thomas to invite me to dinner and for his partner Brett to invite Stephen to make up the foursome. At that dinner, Stephen kept staring at me in my full make-up and by the time after-dinner coffee was served, Stephen was already a goner."

"At our engagement party, Brett had told me something and I now share this with you all. He told me Stephen had now bought together couples that ended up in thirteen marriages. Wow, hasn't our Minister excelled as a matchmaker! Thank you."

The applause was loud and Gael glanced at her mother who smiled at her and Gael guessed she would be told to talk to Rev. Thomas on Monday about her failure to connect with a suitor. Gael look at her father, who eyed her and probably thinking that his elder daughter didn't need a matchmaker. She needed to be handcuffed with a ball and chain to some poor unmarried guy.

That night, arriving home after midnight after being banged by two guys on the floor of the unlit kitchen at the church's fellowship hall, and noting unconcerned that one of guys had sounded suspiciously like Betty's new husband Stephen, Gael had huddled in bed after vaginal douching with apple cider vinegar in the shower. She reviewed her situation.

She'd turn 30 in seven months and was mindful that her paternal grandmother, who'd been one of her best friends since Gael was around seven, had occasionally mentioned that Gael should be married before she turned 30, otherwise, she could be left on the shelf.

Gael sighed, thinking she'd had perhaps fifty boyfriends since she turned eighteen. Many had indicated they thought she was a great lay but none had partnered for much longer than three months. And (a huge sigh), most of those 50-plus guys were now married.

"It's just the way the cookie crumbles," she said plaintively.

"Go talk to Rick Thomas," she muttered, when falling asleep.

* * *

Mrs Owens took Gael to the minister's office. The skinny woman with her hair in a bun and makeup-free, asked conversationally, "Are you unfortunately pregnant?"

"I wish but appear to be pregnancy intolerant," Gael said creatively, fluttering her eyebrow extensions, possibly initiating a new wild-fire rumour within the congregation and beyond on the following Sunday.

"Ah, Mrs Hemming's elder daughter," said the lean Minister, who appeared to be in his mid-fifties.

"Welcome, Gael and call me Rick in informal situations like this. Twenty-one years ago, your mother abandoned this church, taking her family with her, after that scurrilous local newspaper stirred the pot to reveal that the incoming replacement minister, meaning me, was in a homosexual relationship."

Gael thought ah, that's why she wasn't attached to a religion.

She smiled, tempted to ask Rev. Thomas was he aware that her mother and her two closest female friends were much closer that friends? Probably not, she had already unintentionally given Mrs Owens ammunition to spread a negative rumour about Gael Hemming's alleged infertility.

"I'm sorry," Gael said, demurely.

"That thoughtfulness and prejudicial decision of your mother, and I guess your father although he didn't sign the letter of formal resignation from the church, was not your fault. You would have been... um..."

"Nine."

"Thank you. How may I be of assistance to you, Gael?"

"Are you aware that I'm general manager of that 'scurrilous newspaper'?"

"Yes, I recall reading the wide-acclamation you received for achieving that post at your age of um..."

"Twenty-five and it's actually a regional newspaper rather than a local newspaper."

"Ah, thanks for that information."

Gael said she was willing to become a member of his congregation providing he undertook one challenge for her.

"What, to provide you with a pathway to heaven?" Rick smiled.

She said no, the request was something that should be much easier for him.

"I wish to take advantage of your match-making prowess."

"Ah, of course. We first connected when you turned up with those two other bridesmaids for wedding rehearsal, you being friends with both the bride Betty Smith and her cousin Ruby Evans, who are both regular attendance members of my congregation. You are here after hearing Betty attribute me with the distinguished title of a successful matchmaker that I'm not so sure I deserve."

"Yes."

"And?"

"I need your help. I have this growing fear of being left on the shelf, so to speak."

"What you?"

"Yes, me."

Rick told Gael to sit.

She did so, he stared at her, and circled her chair, came in close and sniffed by her left ear, and muttered lovely, and sat in the chair opposite her.

"Do I get a rating?"

He said as a result of that limited appraisal and replying on her appearance, she appeared to be top shelf.

Gael raised an eyebrow sharply and the Minister said carefully he would emphasise the word 'appeared'.

"I can also go further and say in confidence that there is something of a gap between you and Betty, for instance. By that I mean in slimness, posture, body shape, facial appearance, native intelligence and probably total intelligence and, in comparison with Betty, you have natural congeniality. You even smell great and I'm left wondering, what more could a young woman ask for?"

"A husband."

"Ah, we'll get to that in due course. Now, for the intimate questions that I have never asked any woman before in my match-making role. In your case, I have to ask because well, to put it simply, you appear to be a near to perfect potential bride, and near-perfect is a huge tribute, in face the highest praise I've ever uttered to any female."

Gael said provocatively, "Not that you usually would place yourself in a position to deliver such an accolade."

"Quite right, Gael. In fact, absolutely."

She replied that Rick's honesty impressed her and her confidence in him was soaring. He was welcome to proceed with tough questions.

"Very well, and of course, whether to answer any or all of them is your prerogative."

Gael nodded.

"Do you wash yourself daily?"

"Yes, I shower each morning and often at night."

"Do you pass wind?"

"Rarely."

"Do you detect body odours from yourself?"

"Sweat when cycling or running for exercise. That's all."

"What about vaginal odour?"

"Usually only when sexually aroused, but that's probably normal."

"Feet?"

"Never excessively."

"Do you practise hygiene after sex?"

"As quickly as possible."

Rev. Thomas said, "But no too quickly to avoid shattering euphoria, should it exist?"

"Ah, I've never had that thought. I must remain mindful of that advice."

"Well, that ends that line of questioning, Gael. Remember, guys who appear surrounded by odours, nevertheless may expect their female companion to smell spring fresh and there's little you can do about it as if you do, however delicately, some guys will feel offended and dump you."

"I'd be happy with such an outcome."

Rick smiled and said, "That outcome of being dumped should be regarded as unsuccessful and if it did occur, you'd need to ask could you have handled the situation surrounding it any better. Discuss such matters with your girlfriends as you need to know was the loss of that guy avoidable."

"You have a high level of self-confidence and that in itself can be a problem in cultivating friendships with females as well as males. But you will be aware of that."

"Yes, and I'm aware that self-confidence and bossiness is divided by a fine line viewed by individuals differently."

"Quite right. And do you possess inherent leadership qualities?"

"Indeed, and strongly and know it means some guys appear like wimps to me, and so be it."

The friendly interrogator said, "Well, that's enough of that. I have a rough picture and you may have a clearer picture of yourself in being questioned in just one session like this, perhaps sharpening your critical focus on yourself like never before. We may have exposed areas that you might wish to ponder on."

"Gael, this is what I have decided. Whether or not you join this church, I will be prepared to assist you through further counselling and possible direct match-making because you are a woman with an unfathomable problem although answers may come to you now that you have decided to focus on finding your man or coming into contact with more desirable men."

"Rick, I thank you for that support and would like to pay consultancy fees."

"That is not required. You are, however, free to drop any donation you wish to make to this church inside the main doors - it's a secure steel box bolted into the concrete wall as these days money left on vestibule table is absolutely insecure."

They laughed and Gael said, "Thank you. May I kiss your cheek?"

"That could be considered by some people as being improper."

Gael kiss Rick Thomas on the cheek and said, "I regard you as my new and helpful friend."

Rick looked at the back of the departing young woman thoughtfully.

"What a challenge," he sighed aloud. "She's quite a formidable female but doesn't appear to know that. It's a pity that she's not church-minded."

* * *

The first three attempted match-ups that Rick arranged were dismal failures. Each time Gael was left lamenting that even she could have done better, and none of the trial dates had ended with penetrations, that Gael believed was the purpose of dating.

Dick Wells, the first guy up with an arrangement to meet at a bar, was drunk by the time she arrived apologizing for lateness.

"You're l-late, an hour late" he slurred, and she noting that the end of his chin not much wider than his nose that was surrounded by acne.

"An hour late? I was only thirty-five minutes behind schedule."

She blinked when he slurred, asking was thirty-five minutes longer or shorter than an hour. Gael was about to reply when he said it didn't matter because he'd scoffed three handles of beer, that was one over his limit. He then calmly lay with his head on the bar and within two minutes was asleep.

Gael left, feeling she should have kneed the guy for wasting her time so pathetically.

She and her second 'date' who looked ridiculous arriving outside her parent's home on a small motor scooter because he weighed about 220 lbs, said without bothering with greetings or participating in introductions, "Hop on."

He rode off angrily after Gael said haughtily that she didn't ride on motor-cycles and didn't date their riders and she walked back inside her family home, slamming the door.

Gael complained and Rick and the Minister said cheerfully, 'Third time, lucky' whereas in retrospect, she thought he should have said 'Third time, very unlucky'.

Dapper Reggie Watts, dressed like a bona fide Oxford don but upon closer inspection the jacket was actually the official Blazer of the Silverstream Rugby Football Club and the gown was actually a vintage senior policeman's cape.

This time, Gael had more acceptable transport to enjoy, being Reggie mother's latest model Maserati Quattroporte S.

So far, all good.

But when arriving at the restaurant, Reggie doubled-parked and at the door tossed the keys to the doorman and told him to park the car safely.

"But we don't offer a customer parking service, sir."

"Sort it out with your manager," Reggie snarled, and grabbing Gael's hand, dragged her past the still-protesting doorman. Gael attempted to free her hand but date's response was to grip it tighter.

What a prick, she thought.

The maître d' arrived and carefully placed keys on Reggie's plate and said, "Your keys sir. You'll find it at McQuay's Parking Building a long walk on the left from here, sir."

"Damnit, man. I came here for service. Take me to your manager."

Reggie left with the head waiter, offering no explanation and as soon as he disappeared down a passageway, hopefully to be beaten up, Gael left the restaurant. About 100 yards along the street, passing three cafes and restaurants, she entered the fourth one and, occupying a booth away from the entrance, order herself a cocktail and perused the menu, gradually relaxing and feeling happy again and thinking of unhappy Reggie, perhaps dying for a pee and muttering where was the fucking parking building he needed to find.

She called Rick next day and described her experiences with her date of the previous evening.

The Minister was continuing to mouth apologies when Gael stopped him.

"Why is it you have succeeded with other women and not with me, all my three arranged blind dates which were looming disasters before I practically opened my mouth."

"I-I have no explanation."

"Have you done anything differently in arranging my dates compared with arrangements with your successful match-making attempts?"

"Um, only a minor adjustment."

"How minor is 'minor' in this instance?"

"In all other instances, Brett and I discussed possibilities of male dates for each woman in need of seeking arranged matching dating."

"Why did you make that 'minor' exception for me?"

"Because you run a newspaper and publishing company. I didn't wish to take the risk of exposing any success with you that involved my partner Brett. If it got into news columns that two male gays arranged dates for Lady X, that could snowball and in fact become international news, gravely embarrassing Brett and myself and possibly igniting problems for me with my church and extending beyond that."

"Why didn't you explain that concern and seek my assurance that I would not seek to leak my story or to talk to any newspaper or magazine journalist?"

"Because I thought such a discussion might embarrass you."

"Okay, then please continue to match me up successfully but this time by involving your wife..."

"There you go, and that's embarrassing. Just who is the 'wife'? We enjoy playing different roles within our loving relationship. We don't consider flexible role playing to be offensive. and in this country it's not illegal and we are mindful that some other people would find it offensive."

"Omigod, I'm sorry to have trigged that explanation from you and I apologise for any embarrassment. May I suggest that you now involve Brett in discussing possible dates for me without divulging you have already had three misfires with me, that is providing you wish to continue with me and feel there's no need for disclosure unless Brett actually asks for such information."

Rick apologized and asked would Gael mind if he thought about the situation carefully over a few days and then advised her of the outcome.

"That's okay and a wise decision. If you choose to proceed, then I have no problem should you wish to going back to the beginning and you both conducting the initial interview with me."

Chapter 2

Four months after the run of three unsuccessful match-making attempts involving Gael, Rev. Thomas conducted a wedding involving two relatively new member of his congregation.

Gael Hemmings married Sean Yates, with Gael's younger sister Nova, chief bridesmaid. The other two bridesmaids were Sean's older and unmarried sister Yvonne and Gael's best friend Ruby Evans, who had recently become engaged thanks to the match-making expertise of Rev. Thomas and his partner.

At the wedding reception during her speech, the bride described how she and Sean slipped into romancing after their first chance meeting.

"I was a member of this church from the time of my christening until I was nine years old when I drifted away. But a few months ago, after being bridesmaid at a wedding in this church along with fellow bridesmaid and my best friend Ruby, who is a bridesmaid for me today, I decided to reconnected with this church."

"Fourteen weeks ago, three of us were due to be introduced as new members of the congregation. Two days before that event, we were advised that a fourth inductee would be joining us, a male."

"That Sunday in church, I first sighted Sean Yates, a young lawyer, and my heart flipped. I looked away and look back at him and he was eyeing me."

"Thrice more within minutes our eyes met and I thought OMG. Then Sean moved to come beside me and as we stood in a line for the brief induction, I breathed another OMG because Sean was holding my hand."

"I thought only of three words, 'He's the one' and that, for the time-being, was it because Rev. Thomas was welcoming us and introducing us one-by-one to the congregation with brief details of who we were."

"I'm not embarrassed at saying this, but as soon as we returned to our seats, I had this great urge to go over to Lance and kiss him warmly, but I adhered to protocol and remained seated."

"I'm happy to say that so far, Sean has not begun yawning when I remind him of facts of our first meeting, but OMG, that smile that comes on to his face is something to behold when I add that I'll always remember those moments to my dying day."

"We were both thirty on that day of first meeting fourteen weeks ago and dated the very next evening and have acted almost like teenagers on their first real date ever since."

"Lance's proposal of marriage is the first and only one I have received and I'm reminded of my maternal grandmother Jean, sitting over there (pointing) with my parents, who quite often when I was a girl used to say, 'All things come to those who wait' which is a Proverb that in these times has the word 'good' inserted through common usage to become 'All good things come to those who wait'."

"Oh Sean, darling, it was great that chance left me waiting for marriage until you came along. Thanks mate, well done. And thank you everyone here today for sharing in Sean's and my wedding."

"Finally, Rev. Thomas, you must count the unification of me and Sean along with your partner as one of your combined successes of matchmaking, because you made it happen by including Sean as a late addition to your introduction of new members of the congregation instead of asking him to wait until the next scheduled introduction of new members. That says to me that 'chance' is a wonderful occurrence in our case and don't Sean and I know it. Thank you everyone for listening to me blather on."

Blather?

Wedding guests, almost as one, rose in a rousing acclamation of that delightful account of the match-up of Sean and Gael Yates.

The End