Ridiculust Ch. 10

"I think that we should have a séance after dinner," Sarah stated, standing up. Her stomach chirped and the others snickered and got up too. "We got stuff to make hamburgers. We got corn too, but I think we'll save it for tomorrow. After our little adventure with the tree, we were hungry." They returned to the kitchen and Roger stood to one side while the ladies started making the preparations. "Roger, maybe you can crush the crackers." She handed him a half-dozen soda crackers. She was surprised when, instead of a squawk of protest, he got an "I have an idea" expression.

"As you wish," he replied. He dropped the crackers into the bowl into which they were about to put the meat for mixing, grabbed a dinner plate and put it on top. Debbie put her hands on her hips and rolled her eyes, anticipating what was coming next. Roger's left index finger flared and he said "That's a crummy job you gave me." A small bolt of light shot from the finger into the bowl and there was a rapid machine-gun sound as the crackers shattered. He lifted the plate and said "Damn, how I wish that I could have done that years ago!"

"I'll start the barbecue," sighed Debbie, going back outside and removing the cover as Sarah dropped the meat, cracked three eggs, and added Worcestershire sauce to the bowl. "Dammit!" she called out. "The sparker isn't working!"

"Come on baby, start my fire," said Roger loudly.

"Don't temp me, buster!"

"You know what you have to do," Roger replied through the open window, which was over the sink and away from where Sarah was working.

"Aww, do I HAVE to?" she demanded, hands on the hips again.

"Yup!" Her response was an unladylike gesture with a middle finger.

"Fine!" she muttered, standing back and thinking a moment. Her right index finger suddenly lit up. "Would you trust an electrician named Sparky?" The bolt shot into the barbecue, which lit with a loud whoomph and flash of flame. She turned the heat down and closed the lid so it could heat up and stomped back into the kitchen. "Don't look so smug, Roger! Pun-powered magic has you right in your element, doesn't it?" she scowled.

"Hey, don't knock it. I am a professional punslinger! We even have an association. Look!" He pulled his wallet from his right rear pocket and extracted a card from it. "See? I have even sworn an oath to pun responsibly."

"Puns," said Sarah darkly, finishing the arrangement of six large burger patties on a platter and grabbing a flipper from a drawer. "They promote chaos and disorder in language. They are not funny!" Roger hastily opened the door for her and they all went out again. The barbecue was hot and the patties sizzled invitingly when they were put on and the lid reclosed.

"You could have started the barbecue without the sparker," said Roger innocently. "You two are so hot, it would light up at once!" The ladies exchanged a glance and a smile.

"Was he a sweet talker with you, back in the day?" Sarah asked Debbie as she opened the barbecue and flipped the burgers with a small flare of flames and smoke.

"Oh, he was," she replied as if he wasn't there. "And his timing was always so good. Just when I was feeling down, he'd come up to me in the hallway or class and say some sweet fiction, and it would make my whole day better."

"They weren't fiction. They were just as true now as they were back then!" Roger interrupted, looking as innocent as possible. He leaned up against the house by the window with a wistful smile, remembering back to the days of the relationship. There was a long pause as Sarah tended the barbecue and Debbie also reminisced. Roger felt a pang of something as he saw a tear run down Debbie's cheek.

"Would you say he was a keeper?" asked Sarah softly, flipping the burgers again. The only sounds seemed to be a breeze in the trees and the crackling and hissing of the barbecue. "Could Roger, and I, be the ones to help you let Joe go to wherever he needs to go?" Sarah flipped the burgers again.

"Roger, you were my first love. When I made that decision to ask you out that day, I had no idea what was going to happen. You were so shy and gentle when the other boys were grabby and obnoxious. You unlocked something in me that I'd never felt before, you taught me about my body and yours, and you provided love and support for me in a very difficult year." At Sarah's inquiring look, she added "My paternal grandparents both passed away that year, first Grandma from cancer and then Grandpa, from natural causes they said, but I knew that it was a broken heart. When I had to leave for Alberta the summer after we graduated, I was heartbroken. I wanted to call you every day, but couldn't because there was no way we could be together again. So eventually I moved on. During my final year, I met Joe and soon realized that he was cut from the same cloth as you, and even though he was black and I knew that it would cause some problems, there was that same chemistry between us. When I finally laid my claim, he had no chance at all." They all smiled. "We worked together, created two beautiful girls and a boy, and lived together for more than 30 years before he died and I came here." Sarah had to hastily flip the burgers one last time while wiping away a few tears.

"If it had been anybody but you, Roger, I don't think I'd have the strength to let him go. When I saw you and Sarah in those videos, I knew in my heart it was you, but I just had to be sure, so I came over here on a mission. So, in short, yes, I can finally let Joe go and put my heart in the care of you two." Sarah held the platter over the barbecue as long as she could to sterilize it, then quickly loaded the hamburger patties onto it as Roger and Debbie held onto each other as desperately as a drowning swimmer holds a rescue float. They broke apart as Sarah approached, and Roger held the door open.

"We are love lost, love found, and love reborn," he said after they'd re-entered the kitchen and Sarah put the platter on the counter. He paused and watched the two women working to get the burgers set up. "It's only been a day," he thought to himself. "I do not know these women. They know each other, but they don't know me. I feel like an outsider here in this house, yet a part of me is screaming that these are the women who will complete me, and fill the hole left in my life when Jeannie died. And if Jeannie needs me to let go so that we both can finally move on, this has got to be it." He tentatively cleared his throat and when he had their attention, said:

"After Jeannie died, my soul seemed to have died with her. I lived and worked like a robot, with no hope or feeling, or love. In this past day, my soul has been showing signs of life, and I've felt things that I have not felt in a long, long time." He paused and got down on one knee. "Sarah Burns, Debbie Malloran, I swear on my living soul that I will love and cherish you until death do us part. Would you accept me, a total stranger, to be your second partner?" The two women were frozen in surprise.

"Never in my wildest dreams," said Sarah softly as she put down the cheese and grater to which she was applying it, "did I ever expect to see a man on his knee, offering himself to me." Her memory flashed back to when John had proposed to her. The blighter had very carefully planned it for an outing with them and a group of friends to celebrate the end of exams just before graduation from teacher's college. She'd been expecting him to pop the question at some point, but when the restaurant staff came out of the kitchen with a cake illuminated by candles and one of them tooting Happy Birthday on a trombone, she'd thought it was someone's birthday. Instead, when the cake was put on the table in front of her, it had said "Sarah, will you marry me? Love, John". And there he was beside her, down on one knee, eyes sparkling, and she couldn't help a little scream of shock. Of course she'd said yes and everyone cheered, the trombonist tooted happily, and even the others in the restaurant applauded as they'd kissed. The cake had been yummy too, and what happened later after they'd gotten home... she had to yank her mind back to the present as she knelt in front of him and took his right hand in her left.

"Roger, I have known you for only a day, but I already know what I think Debbie knew long ago: that you are a special man." Her brown eyes looked into his hazel ones. "I don't know why some other woman didn't snap you up when she had the chance, but I most certainly will. Roger Matheson, Debbie Malloran, I swear on my living soul that I will love and cherish you until death do us part." Debbie had joined them by this point, and took Sarah's right hand and Roger's left.

"Roger, we've been separated for more than forty years, but it seems like we picked up where we left off when we had to part. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and Sarah." She closed her eyes briefly. "I swear on my living soul that I will love and cherish you until death do us part." They all rose together in the middle of the kitchen for a hug, and their colours flared brightly. When they pulled apart, their colour patterns had merged and were all swirling around them, as if they were one.

"This is really amazing," said Roger quietly. "I hope that this is enough to let them go." They paused briefly, thinking of Jeannie, Joe, and John. "Now I'm famished! I want something between two soft, firm buns."

"Be careful what you wish for, mister Matheson," said Sarah quietly as they quickly finished preparing their burgers. "Though I have to say," she added with a strategic squeeze, "your buns are a lot firmer than mine. What's your secret?" Roger replied with a strategic squeeze of his own.

"Bike riding. I go everywhere I can when I can on my bike. Way better than walking."

Debbie extracted a bottle of red wine from the fridge and opened it. They went outside again with burgers, wine glasses, and the wine to enjoy dinner in the evening, which was getting cooler under the clear sky. They sat around the table and Debbie poured the wine.

"Here's to us," she said. They clinked their glasses and drank.

"I may not know wine, but I know what I like," said Roger. They began devouring their burgers in companionable silence, pausing to swat mosquitoes, an action that became more frequent as the minutes passed. Sarah was becoming visibly irritated, and after a few minutes she got that "Eureka!" look and her colours turned on.

"Oh, crap," she said, standing up. "I have to say this. Mosquitoes bug me." A wall of colour as tall as she was blew out in an expanding circle all around them. There was a rapid fire of small pops and flashes of light when and where a mosquito met its doom, and there was an astonishing number of them. The wave passed through the back of the yard and well out from past the house behind them before it dissipated. The others stared, open-mouthed with surprise.

"I don't know what surprises me more, what you did there, or that you made a pun," said Debbie, starting on her second burger with only slightly diminished gusto. Roger applauded her.

"You'll be one of us soon," he said with a conspiratorial wink. Sarah stuck her tongue out at him and blew a raspberry, and they laughed. "We should go down to the park and try that as a team effort. At dusk, I'll bet it will make quite a show." He took another sip of wine and chomped on his burger. "If I have had a better burger than this, I cannot remember," he mumbled. "I cannot stop eating this!" Eventually they did, when they ran out of burgers to eat.

"Oh, that was so good," groaned Debbie, downing the last of her wine and belching loudly. Roger's eyebrows elevated in surprise, and again when Sarah replied with a belch of her own. They looked at him expectantly, so he shrugged his shoulders and, with some effort managed a truly manly, rumbly, nasty effort that almost brought his dinner back to enjoy a second time. To judge by their expressions, he "won" this round.

"Heeeyyy Brenda," said a male voice from the other side of the cedar trees in a faux redneck accent, "dem naybors' fancy boolfrawgs are croakin agin!"

"Again?" queried Roger, sotto voce. The women wouldn't meet his eyes and he snickered.

"Yep Bob," replied a female voice in an even less convincing hick accent, "Ah reckin there be enough ribbits there to make a ship." There was a loud pop and a rattling sound like a lot of small metal parts hitting the wood of a deck, followed by shouts of surprise.

"Dagnabit Brenda! Now we gots punny rivets all over the deck!"

"Gah, half of them went down my bikini top! Ugh!" There was a sound of clothing moving and more rattles as rivets fell. "Why are you lookin' at me like that?" There was a pause. "You're hard again! What's gotten into you?"

"I couldn't help it, Bren," he replied, dropping the cheesy accent. "Watching those melons of yours move around always gets me excited. And..." The three could almost hear the leer. "What's going to get into you?"

"Shh, the neighbours are listening!" There was a giggle and an "Oh!"

"Come inside Brenda, I think that there's some business to take care of."

"How many times do I have to fuck that thing before it stays down?" she demanded as more rivets rattled and a door opened. "It's the third time today!" The door slammed shut.

"Wow, dinner and a show!" exclaimed Roger, determined to not catch the eye of Debbie or Sarah. "Why don't we do the dishes and waddle down to the park to help digest those yummy burgers?" He bustled around gathering plates and wine glasses, acting as if he didn't have a glowing boner tenting his shorts.

"That sounds like a good idea," Sarah said agreeably with a wink to Debbie, who got up and opened the door for him. "A walk would definitely do us good." Once they were inside, Debbie closed the door and locked it.

"We'll have to lick - ah, I mean lock - the house when we leave for our walk," said Debbie at Roger's nervous look. He put the stack of plates on the counter next to the sink and the wine glasses next to them. As he put the plug into the sink, he felt his shorts and underwear get yanked down and two pairs of hands turned him around so that the object of their desire was pointing out at them, glowing with the familiar turquoise, green, and yellow patterns. He sighed in exasperation.

"We have few rules in this household," said Sarah on his left and Debbie on his right as they knelt to look at it closely. "One of them is that no boner dies unloved." Each slowly licked one side of his thick, hard shaft and multi-coloured sparks slipped from it into their tongues.

"Ooh, tingly!" said Debbie as Roger groaned and quivered.

"Mmm, yummy!" added Sarah as they repeated the maneuver even more slowly, ending with the tips of their tongues licking the sensitive, circumcised tip. The glow was rapidly intensifying.

"Urrggh, I'm gonna - uh-oh," groaned Roger. They all heard a menacing, rumbling gurgle come from his abdomen. "Oh, shit. I am going to fart," he announced as his cock suddenly deflated and stopped glowing, dangling at half staff. "I need to get outside right now. I suggest you get out of the way or suffer the consequences!" They opted for the first choice as he grabbed his shorts, pulled the most of the way up, ran to the back door, unlocked it, hurried through and closed it again. He then doubled over, putting his thumb and index finger almost together near his anus and muttered "Would you trust an electrician named Sparky?" just as the fart let go. A very impressive jet of blue flame shot a foot from his ass for five seconds before abruptly stopping. Fortunately, nothing had caught fire behind him.

"That was remarkable," said Debbie as she and Sarah stared wide-eyed out the window.

"I'm hoping that the flames will burn off the stench," said Roger, looking rather pale, pulling up his shorts and underwear and settling them in place. "Sorry about that! For some reason I thought about performing the 'Toot Suite' and then that happened." He scowled. "I really have to control myself. Puns can be dangerous!"

"Are you sure it's safe to come in? Maybe we should do the dishes while you finish, uh, clearing your pipes." They snickered.

"I'll be fine," he sighed, coming back inside and not locking the door. "Except that my ass has a small burn on it. Maybe it's just as well. You'd have ruined me for bedtime." He waggled his eyebrows. "I don't know how you were doing it," he said as they busied themselves with washing the relatively few dishes. The remainder of the wine went into the glasses and they partook. "I was about to erupt like a volcano. I have a long and sad history of being a Speedy Gonzales, which is why I liked to get Jeannie really hot and ready before I got on and started working my magic. I figured that once I'd come the first time, when Little Lazarus was ready, I'd be able to last much longer, but circumstances always seemed to prevent that second time."

"Don't worry about that, you dear, sweet man," said Sarah, holding his face with its sad, hangdog expression in both her wet soapy hands and giving him a gentle kiss on his nose. "There will be plenty of time for you to have a second go at it."

"Though if the sex earlier this afternoon was any indication, the first time will blow us all out," said Debbie thoughtfully as she dried the plates and other things and Roger, who'd watched when they were taken out, put them away.

"I still think that a walk in the park is a good idea," said Roger as he finished the last of his wine, "before it gets dark. I need to stretch my legs and settle my dinner." Since the glorious day had transformed into an absolutely perfect evening, there was no argument that could be put up against it. The wine glasses, now empty, were washed, dried, and left on the counter. The rear door was locked, purses and footwear were gathered, trips to the bathroom made, and they went out the front door, with Sarah locking it behind them. It was just after seven o'clock and there was some activity on the streets as they slowly walked to the park. Roger noticed that Debbie had placed herself to his left and Sarah to his right as they walked, even though he'd tried to get one of the outside slots.

"Is it just me, or do the men in the neighbourhood look tired and the women look radiant?" he asked as they arrived at Main St and turned right.

"I have no idea how that might have happened," said Sarah innocently.

"Nothing to do with us, I'm sure," Debbie chimed in. "No magical bursting waves of sexual energy blasting through the neighbourhood, right Roger?" He thought back to when he'd put them to bed for their naps and got a knowing look.

"And there certainly were not TWO waves of sexual energy that blew through the neighbourhood, right?" Neither would meet his gaze. "We are a Menace to Society, aren't we?" he asked as they were crossing the bridge over the river. "With great power comes great responsibility, yada yada."

"But it wasn't sexual energy that Debbie and I blew out," said Sarah as they reached the other side of the bridge and the northernmost corner of the park. "It was loving energy. We were standing there looking at you sleeping and feeling so much in love with you, and each other."

"It was the same with me," Roger admitted as they followed the riverbank, looking at the ducks and geese that were lazily paddling around in it. "I'd just tucked you in and given you kisses and was just so full of love that I felt I would burst. Sex sends our energy into each other, with brain-frying results."

"So our love causes other people to have wild, passionate Oompa Loompa love," said Debbie. "Imagine what we could do if we could send it through the world."

"It would be better if it could wipe out evil and make everyone good and happy," said Sarah. "I don't think that things would be greatly improved if the entire world was doing the buck-n-snort."