Ringing in the New year

At that moment I realized I wasn't cringing with Kim hugging me. Don't get me wrong, I had no desire to make love to her but I didn't feel the need to avoid her hug either. And now I had a reason to be moody or aloof towards her when I needed to. Maybe I could make it past Thanksgiving after all.

Four of five days later I began to wonder if Kim and Tim were still up to anything. Based on Kim telling her sister how guilty she felt and your professed love to me I doubted it. But then I remembered she did find it, what did she say? 'erotic and exciting.'

Those words began to haunt me. My mood towards Kim had started to soften a bit but know I was right back to where I started. I had to know if Kim and the asshole were still carrying on.

Later that night after I was certain Kim was asleep I got up, grabbed her phone and went into the kitchen. I had never snooped on Kim before, never even looked in her purse. Sure, I've gone into her purse to grab some cash or to bring her wallet to her, what husband hasn't, but I have never snooped. Never had a reason or desire to. But now, I had to try and find out if what I could about Kim and the asshole.

Apparently Kim doesn't clean out her text messages. I found text messages between the two of them going back almost two months. They started innocent, just friendly BS about this or that, maybe a snide remark about some unsuspecting co-worker. They gradually became flirtatious though. Then they changed briefly, I assume right after they must have kissed the first time. Kim maintaining she had made a mistake, shouldn't have happened, she's happily married, etc. The asshole meanwhile kept up the light pressure, he understood, didn't want to come between her and her husband, blah, blah, blah. But he also would tell here how wonderful it was, there was a spark, he knew she felt it to. Then emails went back to mild flirting. I was starting to boil. I could tell by the tenor when they would have a kissing session as Kim's messages would indicate this was a mistake. However they became less and less forceful in her resistance to continuing with the asshole.

Then I saw the messages from right after that fateful day in the storage room. Assholes messages pickup in number and in persistence to continue. Kim's replies were few and very forceful, she had made a tremendous mistake and in no uncertain terms and their games were over. Asshole kept up telling her how great it was, how sexy she was, how he couldn't stop thinking about her. He began telling her he know it wasn't all it could have been for her because it was just a quickie and that they should take a long lunch sometime so they could have time to do things right and really enjoy themselves. Kim's replies were always shutting him down. Then the messages started back to like they were earlier, mostly BS about work stuff however there was also some flirtations comments back and forth starting again. WTF KIM!

Thanksgiving was next week, and as soon as the twins were back at school Kim and I were have a very serious discussion.

The next day my mood was very dark again and of course Kim picked up on it. She was all concerned about what was wrong. I used the same "stress from work" excuse which she bought completely. Kim went out of her way to "take care" of me. I don't mean in the bedroom though she did try that however in my mood it wasn't very satisfying. She was extra nice without being to in my face with it. She made some of my favorite meals, never nagged me about this or that. When I would snap at her she would take it without comment and just give me my space.

The day before thanksgiving Kim was in a strange mood. She was quiet, quieter than she had been while giving me my space. I noticed but the mood I was already in I didn't have it in me to be worrying about what my be troubling Kim. Kim had seriously damaged our marriage and being full of self righteous selfishness I could care less what my be bothering her, I had bigger issues on my mind.

By the time Thanksgiving came I was somewhat better. The kids were home, that helped take my mind off the troubles hanging over my marriage. I won't bore you with the Thanksgiving details, we had a nice meal, watched football and thoroughly enjoyed our family time.

The twins were heading back to school the Sunday following Thanksgiving. That Saturday night I again got up after Kim was asleep and checked her phone.

Reading her messages between her and the asshole there it was. Apparently on Wednesday before Thanksgiving her and asshole took the afternoon off. And no, they didn't go to their respective homes to get ready for the holiday. His message told her he had room 17 at Hotel 6 by the airport. From the gist of the messages he did not go to the motel alone and Kim did not come straight home after leaving work early.

There it was, she fucked him again. Though it wasn't going to be easy I truly believe I could have gotten over a one time mistake in the storage room. I loved Kim enough to eventually forgive assuming she wanted to be forgiven and save the marriage. Now, I'm not so sure.

So my "stress from work" picked right back up again. Rather than confront Kim as soon as the kids left, I locked my self in my home office to get some "work" done. I did some serious soul searching. What did I want to do? On one hand I wanted the bitch gone. She was a cheating cunt and betrayed me in the worse way I could imagine.

On the other hand deep down in my heart I knew I loved Kim. I loved my family and I loved my life. I'm 46 years old and I know if Kim and I split up I will never have the same sort of home life again. Sure I may find someone else someday but at this stage in life can you really replace over 20 years with someone, making a life together, raising a family? I may get lucky and have something very good with someone someday but it would never match what Kim and I could have if somehow we could get through this. I decided I wanted to get passed this and stay with Kim, though I wondered if it would be possible. Would I be able to forgive? Would I be able to swallow my pride? I would try. Would Kim be willing to try?

Now the prospect of confronting Kim was terrifying. I don't know if it's logical or not by because she fucked him again it felt as if the problem were a hundred times worse than a one time quickie mistake in the storage room. So I continued to stew on things awhile, not sure when I would work up the courage to confront Kim.

About three weeks had passed, my "stress from work" was at an all time high. Kim was wonderful, taking all my sour moods and never pushing me. She let me stew and took what I gave her, good or bad. We did resume our bedroom activities but because of everything it was always less than great. Kim never complained. I know she rarely came but seemed content to let me get off and hopefully relieve some stress. I was thinking there was hope.

It was Sunday night a week before Christmas and again I was going through Kim's phone. What I found ended my marriage then and there. The messages right after Thanksgiving where not the greatest but not over the top terrible. Kim was back to saying it had all been a mistake and would never happen again. Asshole didn't slow down though, and who could blame him. He fucked her twice and was definitely going to do what he could to make it a third time. Kim admitted to him it was good and she enjoyed that Wednesday. Asshole tried to push things and started in on trying to belittle me. Asking her if he was bigger than me, better than me? It was obvious Kim didn't like him talking about me. She indicated no, he was not bigger. And yes, she came a couple times with him but he was not better than me.

Why is she still communicating with the asshole? I mean if she "made a mistake" and didn't want to do it again why didn't she just stop?

Asshole started pushing her for another get together. Kim shot him down. He keep up. Kim admitted it was fun and exciting but not worth the risk of loosing me. I had hope now that we might have a chance to get past this.

However asshole kept his pursuit up. I could see the cracks in Kim's responses. The only thing keeping her from seeing him again was the risk of getting caught. Asshole asked if they could find a way where there was no chance of getting caught? Kim replied she didn't see how that could be possible. Asshole asked "what if hubby has to go out of town or something"?

Then I saw Kim's reply. The one message that without a doubt ended my marriage.

Kim - "Well, Steve does have to go to corporate head quarters in New York for three days the week following New year's."

Asshole - "That's great, that's the opportunity we need!"

Kim - "If we do this, this has to be the last time. I don't like cheating on Steve".

Asshole - "I understand. Maybe if he will be gone for three days we could have the whole night, not just a couple hours. It would be great to wake up with you and make love in the morning."

Kim - "Well, maybe. But not here, I won't do that to Steve in his house."

I quit reading. There would be no getting passed this. Even if I confront her right now and she calls it all off, there is no way. She cheated on me two times that I'm aware of and without a doubt she is planning to do so again. This has gone past getting caught up in the moment and making a mistake. This was way beyond that. This was calculated and planned. I forwarded all the messages to my phone.

I went back to bed but didn't sleep. Staring at the ceiling I thought how I should proceed. I figured rather than confront Kim right away I needed to prepare. As soon as possible I would be seeing a divorce attorney to see what my options were. I knew they wouldn't be great but I wasn't going to confront Kim now until I knew where I stood in terms of the divorce. I would take the advice of my attorney, whatever that advice might be.

The next morning at work I made an appointment with a lawyer that was recommended to me from one of the admin assistants who had just divorced her husband. It seems like Kim, he couldn't stay out of bed with one of his co-workers either.

I took the afternoon off and meet the lawyer. The details are boring. Basically I'm screwed. We will split everything. Kim has a good paying job so hopefully I might get out of paying spousal support, maybe. The twins are 18 so no child support. I will definitely continue to fund their education, they are my kids, I love them and I wouldn't have it any other way. My lawyer asked when I wanted the bitch served? We could do it by Thursday if I wanted. But I thought of the kids again. They would be home on Wednesday for Christmas and Like at Thanksgiving I didn't want to ruin Christmas. So I asked if I could wait a bit, perhaps after the holidays. That was no problem just let him know.

So there I was, "stress from work" was higher than ever but I did my best not to ruin what was going to be our last family holiday together. I would get weird glances from Jennifer every so often. She is perceptive, she never said anything to me but I'm certain she knew I had more than work on my mind.

Christmas was OK, Kim and the kids seemed to enjoy themselves. Me not so much but I did the best acting job I could. I think I pulled if off reasonably well.

A couple days after Christmas Kim reminded me about the New Year's eve party the Jennings were hosting. I tried to get out of going.

"I don't think I'm up for a party this year."

Kim - "Come on Steve, it will be fun. And with everything you've been dealing with from work it will do you good to relax a little and have some fun."

"I don't know Kim, I really don't feel like partying."

Kim - "Lets just go and try to have fun. The kids are going back to school the day before, they have their own parties to go to. Maybe after the party we can come home and have our own party."

"Fine, but I can't promise I'll be a lot of fun to be around."

Kim - "It will be great, you'll see."

So here we are, at the Jennings' New year's Eve party.

TEN...

NINE...

EIGHT...

SEVEN...

SIX...

FIVE...

FOUR...

The load music downstairs had stopped and the countdown has started.

THREE...

TWO...

ONE...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

The sound of loud cheers and noise makers downstairs can now be heard. Now the music of Old Lang Syne is drifting up through the house.

I gave it a couple more minutes and made my way back to the party.

Right away Kim found me, rushed up to me giving me a kiss and said "Happy New year's, honey. Where have you been, I've been looking for you, you know we always ring in the new year with a kiss."

"I was in the bathroom, I'm not feeling well. I think I need to get home."

Concern was written all over Kim's face. "Ok, dear. Let me go thank the Jennings for inviting us and we can get home."

The ride home was quite. Kim kept looking at me with concern.

When we got home and inside Kim said "I hope you feel better soon, do you think it was something you ate?"

I had gone into my office and gotten a folder of all the text messages form Kim's phone I had printed. This was it, the confrontation. I though Maybe if I had done this right away we wouldn't be at the end of our marriage. But then I thought no, this isn't my fault for stalling. This is on Kim entirely.

Kim - "I feel really bad we couldn't ring in the new year like we always do. This is the first year since we've been together we didn't kiss at midnight."

"Well, too bad Tim Riley wasn't at the party."

Instantly the color drained from Kim's face. "w wh what do you mean?"

"Well, if Tim Riley was there you could have gotten your New year's kiss from him."

"w wh why would you say s s such a thing?" Suddenly Kim couldn't talk without stuttering.

I handed her the folder. She asked "what's this?"

"Read it"

She started to read, tears started rolling down hear face. She didn't read very far and dropped the papers to the floor.

"Steve, I'm soo sooo sorry. It was a terrible mistake. I've never done anything like this before and I promise I'll never do so again."

"Kim, the first time in the storage room was a mistake. I was prepared to work passed that."

"When did you find out?"

"I over heard you talking to your sister on the phone that day."

"Why didn't you say something right away?"

Interestingly my rage was gone. I actually felt relief. This big secret I had been carrying around was now out in the open. I was moving on.

"Well first to say I was shocked would be an understatement. I had to process it and think things through. I thought about throwing your cheating ass out at that point but decided I still loved you and thought I could get by it. For the kids sake I didn't want this issue to hang over our Thanksgiving so I decided to wait and talk to you about it after thanksgiving".

"Why didn't you?"

"Well I was going to, but then I found out about what you did on that Wednesday."

"Oh God!"

"Yeah, Oh God. When I discovered what you did on hump day I really started questioning whether I could get by it or not. I decided I still loved you and our life so I was still going to be willing to try and salvage our marriage."

"That sounds like past tense, honey we can still get by this. We can get counseling, I'll do anything you want. Let me make this up to you. You are my life. I love you with all my soul. Tim Riley is an asshole and just a stupid mistake on my part. I will devote the rest of my life making sure you don't regret giving me another chance."

"Well Kim, that was what I wanted to hear. However Tim Riley is more than just a mistake. That first time in the storage room was a mistake. Then that Wednesday was an even bigger mistake. You knew you already made one mistake and you went with him to that motel anyway. That was huge."

"I know Steve and I'm beyond sor"

"STOP, even after that Wednesday I was willing to try to work things out, try to patch things up. But now I know you have plans with Tim in a couple days when I'm out of town don't you?"

"Oh god Steve, I'm never going to see him again, it's over I"

"Kim, stop. It doesn't matter anymore. I wanted to work things out, I wanted to try to get past a one time indiscretion. But you've taken it beyond that, you made plans. You can't say you got caught up in the moment this time. No, you planned on being with him while I was out of town. This has become a planned, calculated affair. I will never get past that."

"STEVE NO, DON'T SAY THAT! I know we can get past that I LOVE YOU!"

"Kim I love you to, but my love is dying. Do you have any idea what if feels like to not only know the one person in your life who you love more than anything, the one person you know you can count on, the one person you trust completely, that one person has betrayed you not once but twice. And not only that, that one person who your whole adult life has centered on has already MADE PLANS to do it again?"

Kim sobbed "what can I do Steve, please?"

"I'm sorry Kim, there is nothing you or I can do. I've already seen a lawyer."

"NO, please don't say that1"

"Kim, I've already seen a lawyer and have filled out the divorce paperwork. My lawyer is waiting for me to tell him when to have you served. Kim we've had a great life, you gave me two great kids, I will never stop loving you for that. I do not want to embarrass you by having you served in public, my lawyer says unless you contest things I can give you the paperwork myself."

Kim just sobbed, I realized I had tears running down my face as well.

"Kim, I'll sleep in the spare bedroom tonight. In the morning I'll get the paperwork from my lawyer and bring it here to you. Then I will pack a few things and find a motel for the short term until I can work out something more permanent."

I looked at Kim, she was beaten down. I felt as if I had destroyed her. At that moment I hated myself. I had just crushed the women I've loved all these years. The woman I was going to grow old with. The mother of my children. I had made my decision and as horrible as it was I knew it was the only decision I could make. Knowing so didn't make me feel any less like shit at that point. I know, she's the one who fucked up but I was the one who figuratively slapped her in the face with the reality of it all, and it sucked.

"Steve, please, please Steve, if our years together ever meant anything to you, please don't sleep in the spare bedroom tonight. Please sleep with me one last time, not for anything sexual, just hold me and protect me from what I have ahead of me for one last night."

And that's what we did. We went to bed holding on to each other, clinging each other really, and cried together. I held on to her and softly kissed her head, I could feel her whole body trembling. Our life together was over. Nothing was going to change that. I knew I had made the right decision, there was no way I could stay with her. I also knew there was no way I could hurt her any more than I already had. I wasn't going to "burn the bitch" as some might suggest I do. Honestly as broken as I know she is, there is nothing I could do that would inflict more pain. I would make sure our settlement was more than fair. And I knew if she ever needed it I would help her if I could. Like I said, she is the mother of my kids, and had been the center of my life for over 22 years.

Happy new year.