Risking It All Ch. 02

"Have you been practicing?" he asked with amusement, his eyebrow cocked.

I smiled in spite of myself and looked at the empty glass.

"You want to slow down, because seriously Alex, you are a total light-weight," he chided.

Brett knew me as well as anyone. He was the one person - other than Chloe, I guess - who knew about my troubled relationship with Jess. Of course, there were some elements of our situation that I did not share. I mean, I wasn't exactly going to mention that we hadn't had sex in years. There are some things that even close friends don't need to know.

I could see that he sensed something was wrong with me, but when I didn't volunteer any information, he settled back in the seat and let the matter die. His restraint held out until his fourth pint. I don't have any idea how many I'd had by that stage in the night, but I wasn't feeling any pain and my sense of discretion was seriously compromised.

"So the reason that we are here, is it personal or professional?" he asked.

"Both, I suppose," I confessed.

He looked at me as he sipped his beer and waited for me to continue.

"I've met someone," I began hesitantly, trying to gather my wits from beyond the fog of the alcohol. "I wasn't looking for it to happen, but as you know, the situation with Jess has been going on for years and I don't see a way to fix it. I don't really want to anymore."

"Is it serious with whoever you've met?" Brett enquired.

I pondered his question for a moment, "Yes."

"So, you're here because you've got to break it off with Jess," he probed.

"I'm here because I don't know if I can," I clarified, staring down at the table.

"What's holding you back?" he asked.

"Mainly Christine," I admitted. "I don't want to hurt her."

Brett seemed to sober up a little as he stared over at me. "It will hurt her either way, Alex. There isn't any avoiding that. Trust me, she knows what is going on. She may not outwardly show it, but kids are perceptive. They are sponges for what it going on around them."

"When I left Carol, Henry was pretty upset and had trouble sleeping for a while," Brett continued staring at the glass as he swirled the remnants of his pint. "But he gradually adapted to the new situation. Kids are pretty resilient. I won't say that it is easy. It isn't. But you can't pretend things are normal and hope that Christine won't notice."

"Alex, you were there when I left Carol, you've seen Henry. He is a happy kid. They do come to terms with it," he assured me.

I pondered what he said. I had to admit that Henry had seemed to come through his parents' separation without any obvious scars. There had been a time when he had been a little withdrawn after Brett and Carol split, but he seemed to have accepted the new situation. Would Christine respond the same way?

The next morning I was nursing a throbbing headache and my mouth felt like I had swallowed sandpaper. I must have forgotten to drink water before going to bed, not that I had any recollection of the end of the night. I washed down a couple of ibuprofen and sat at the kitchen table nursing a coffee and waiting for the seismic activity between my ears to recede. Jess was a hive of activity getting Christine's school lunch and bag ready. There was an indifferent 'good morning', but we shared no other conversation. She was not interested in my night and, likewise, I didn't have enough interest to initiate a conversation to cut through the rime.

When my head had recovered sufficiently, my thoughts returned to my conversation with Brett. I looked at Jess and knew that he was right. No, this wasn't simple, but I couldn't continue like this. I had to tell Jess. The right thing to do would be to sit down with her when Christine was at school and agree how we would handle it. However, I hesitated at this. While Jess was a good person and I hoped that we could manage this amicably, I knew she would be hurt and was worried that she might react to that hurt by seeking primary custody of Christine. I also didn't know how to handle breaking up our interests in the business. I knew I couldn't have my ex as a business partner, nor could I sell the business and walk away, because it's value was largely based on my reputation. I wasn't proud of it, but I decided I needed some legal advice to understand where I stood before having the chat with Jess. As much as I wanted to let Chloe know what I planned, it just wasn't right to discuss it with her before I talked with Jess.

***************************************

"To progress is always to begin again"

Martin Luther

I sat on the bench at the bus stop outside the legal office in downtown Sydney and let the information that I had just been given sink in. For the past three months I had sat through a series of meetings with my accountant and solicitor to understand what my options would be in a divorce settlement. I had made clear from the outset that the only issues I was unwilling to negotiate on were shared access to my daughter and sole ownership of the business. After an assessment of my net worth, the conclusion was I would need to leave the house to Jess or sell it and give her the proceeds. The equity that we had built up would buy her out of the business and provide spousal support. I would need to split my superannuation as well, but then, subject to her agreement, we should be clear. The solicitor, in that supercilious way they have, noted that all things considered, arrangements had ended up quite neatly. In that moment I had wished that the heavy, leather-bound legal tomes adorning the mahogany cabinet behind his desk would fall on his head.

The outcome was pretty much what I had expected. Losing the house that I had invested a huge part of myself in designing, was a bitter blow, but I would now be able to move on with my life. I pondered how I would broach the subject with Jess as I rode the bus back to the office. It was certainly not going to be an enjoyable discussion.

When I got in the office I slumped heavily into my chair. Rather than face anyone, I reached for the documents in my in-tray. On top of the pile was a business envelope. I scooped it up to find out what new bill I was going to have to pay. The envelope was from the Australian Institute of Architects. I guess my membership fees are due again, I mused. The letter, it turned out, was to advise me that my presentation to the jury of the New South Wales chapter of the Institute's design awards was on a Friday evening two weeks from now. I was short-listed for two awards, one for residential design and the other for commercial design. I sat back re-reading the letter absolutely bewildered. I hadn't entered a submission and they were traditionally nominated by a company principal.

I walked out onto the floor and called for attention. Jaimie was again loitering around Chloe's desk chatting with her and I choked back the anger and resentment I felt. Both of them looked up at me along with a couple of dozen other pairs of eyes. I held aloft the letter.

"It would appear that we have been nominated for two AIA design awards." I began.

There were some cheers and whistling at this news.

"The awards are by nomination," I continued. "Does anyone happen to know how we got nominated?"

There was silence as everyone looked around for someone to speak up. Only one person didn't look to their peers. That person looked down at her desk shyly. I had known with absolute certainty before walking out of my office who the culprit was.

Watching her downturned gaze, I continued. "Well, while I think that you all deserve this recognition, whoever it was that nominated us has done you a disservice because we will have to spend a sizable portion of the next two weeks readying a presentation on top of everything else we have on the books. These awards involve some of the biggest firms in the state and I suspect they all knew about their nominations weeks ago."

People came up to look at the letter and congratulate me on the recognition. I shook hands and hugged a few people. Jaimie shook my hand and uttered some platitude I didn't quite register. I chastised myself for my attitude to him. He wasn't a bad guy, really. It was his interest in Chloe that evoked the dislike I felt for him. I knew deep down that this wasn't fair and as the boss of the firm I needed to grow up a bit.

Finally, Chloe approached, I marveled at her effortless elegance. The grey pencil skirt ended well above her knees accenting her shapely legs. Her classic white, long sleeve business shirt hugged her generous curves. As she came up, becoming uncharacteristically awkward in my presence, I leaned in and gave her the same innocuous hug I had given to some of the other female workers. I turned my head so my lips were beside her ear and whispered so only she could hear, "I know it was you, Chloe."

As she began to pull away I was rewarded by the sight of a sudden flush in her cheeks. Her fingers lingered on my forearm slightly longer than was necessary and she timidly met my stare whispering back, "I believe in you, Alex."

My heart leapt at this simple statement and with a massive surge of relief I could see that she hadn't succumbed to Jaimie's charms. A smile creased the corner of my mouth and seeing it, Chloe relaxed and coyly smiled back.

That evening after putting Christine to bed, I made my way to the kitchen where Jess was putting some leftovers into the fridge. I asked her if we could talk and she turned to me with a curious expression on her face. I reflected sadly that her surprise that I should want to talk was evidence of the extent of our estrangement.

I sat at the dining table and gestured for her to join me.

"Jess, I need to talk to you about where we stand," I began. She tensed up immediately in response to my comment and I could see that she wanted to avoid this conversation as she had so many times before.

"I've raised numerous times that I don't understand why there is so much distance between us," I continued. "You haven't wanted my touch in years and we barely talk anymore, except when it is about Christine."

"Our lives have changed, Alex." She retorted testily. "We have different responsibilities now."

I felt myself responding unconsciously to her annoyance. I took a slow deep breath to calm myself and continued. "I don't want to re-prosecute the same arguments, Jess. I know your feelings have changed and we can't go backwards. But I can't live like this anymore."

Her eyes met mine. "What are you saying?"

"We haven't been a couple for years. We both need to move on with our lives." I answered.

"You want a divorce?" She asked quietly.

"Yes," I answered simply.

Her expression changed as her anger rose. "You are tossing aside your family so you can fuck that little slut!" She spat at me venomously.

"What?" I asked shocked.

"I know you have been fucking her." Her quiet tone belying the mounting anger in her voice. She pulled out her phone and searched through the apps.

Suddenly the room filled with the sound of Chloe's muted moans and Jess turned the phone around showing me a video of Chloe and I in an all too familiar compromising position in my office. But Jess didn't give me time for the shock to register.

"Is this what you wanted?" She seethed.

But I wasn't going to be cowered by her revelation.

"I am sorry that it has happened like this. I should have told you I wanted to leave before meeting Chloe." I began. "But you are the one who pulled away. You haven't touched me in years. You barely acknowledge me when I'm home. You sleep in our daughter's bed. I have tried countless times over the years to reach out to you but you always dismissed that there was anything wrong. At some point you succeeded and I stopped seeing us as a couple. I don't really know you anymore and I'm certainly not a part of your life."

"I have a daughter to look after. I'm sorry that I don't spread my legs enough for you when she goes to bed!" Jess answered bitterly.

"We raised Christine and I never treated you like that so drop the histrionics," I countered angrily. "Plenty of people raise a child and still have a healthy relationship. You just lost interest in that but you weren't willing to walk away from your lifestyle. Don't make out that I treated you like a whore. It would have been a lousy investment."

"Fuck you, Alex." She yelled. I saw the hatred in her eyes in that moment and I wondered how it had ever come to this. We had both behaved poorly and I was ashamed of my last comment the moment it left my lips. There was just too much water under the bridge.

I buried my head in my hands momentarily to draw my scattered thoughts together. Looking up, I whispered, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I don't want to go over old ground anymore. I gave up trying to fix this some time ago."

Jess went silent as she stared off into space. Thankfully, the video had ended.

"I will move out in a few days," I offered. "But we need to talk to Christine together first. You are entitled to half of everything and you don't have anything to fear on that score. We can sort the details out together later or you can get some advice and then we can talk."

When there was no further response, I stood up and headed to my bedroom.

The chat with Christine was as hard as I imagined. She was confused and upset at the thought of her parents splitting up. Even though she had friends whose parents had separated, I guess like all kids, she didn't think it would ever happen to her. There were tears, but in one of our finer moments, both Jess and I parked the tension between us and were present as a united front for our daughter.

I moved out three days later into a small apartment near work. It was basic, but it had a separate kitchen and living area and would serve its purpose while I hunted for a more permanent arrangement.

With the massive upheaval to my family life and living arrangements, not to mention finalisation of the awards presentation, I hadn't had a chance to talk to Chloe. To say the last few weeks had been tough, was a huge understatement, but for the first time in a long time, I was excited by the possibilities that lay ahead.

I called her under the guise of talking about the presentation. I would be appearing before the judging panel in three days and there were still a number of aspects of our concept art and photos to finalise. I couldn't help but smile as she walked me through her preparations to ensure we would be ready in time.

"I haven't thanked you properly for submitting the nomination," I changed direction as she finished her discussion of her next steps. "Your confidence in me and the company means more than you know."

"You deserve recognition for your work, Alex." She said honestly. "It was time that you got this exposure."

"Well, no matter how the presentation goes on Friday, I would like to buy you a drink to thank you for everything you've done. Not just for the presentation, but for all the work you've put into building the business." I stated honestly.

There was a long pause at the other end of the line.

"Is this about work?" She probed hesitantly.

"I meant what I said, Chloe." I began. "You have been the driving force behind all the progress we've made in the past year. When I lost Stephen, I thought we were going to struggle to continue with the work we had on. But he would be the first to admit that he couldn't have taken us in the direction that you have. The expansion into the commercial operations wouldn't have happened without you. The changes to the way that the team works and the growth in the profile of the company were all you. You've become the most important person to the business......and to me."

I paused for a moment before continuing. "But there have been some other changes going on that aren't about work and I wanted to talk to you about that as well. I understand if you would prefer not to, given what has happened. And perhaps you've moved on in the past six months. But I hope you will give me a chance to say some things that I think need to be said."

"OK Alex." Chloe responded.

I didn't want to say any more over the phone so I told her we would talk later. Chloe hadn't shut me down, but neither had she indicated that she wanted to continue to see me outside of work. The past six months had been difficult for many reasons. But, on reflection, I was struck by how much our forced separation had impacted me. Sure, I knew that this wasn't just a fling, but my efforts to distract myself through total immersion in my work had not succeeded. I felt her absence acutely. I missed her smile and her touch. I wanted desperately to be able to be with her and not hide her from everyone we knew. Put simply, I knew now with absolute clarity that I was in love with her.

****************************************

New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings

Lao Tzu

Public speaking has never been my forte. The afternoon of the awards presentation saw me nervous and agitated as I ran through the points I wanted to make over and over in my mind. The team had done a fantastic job with the presentation. Jaimie's art was photo-realistic and really popped from the pull-up banners that we would set up alongside the presentation. However, it only served to pique my anxiety as it all now rested on me to not fuck it up.

As I walked into the room with the judging panel, I felt the weight of the situation crashing in on me. Chloe had come to help set up the presentation with one of my other staff and she slipped little looks at me as she worked. As the presentation came up on the projection screen behind me and the room lights dimmed, she took my wrist and squeezed, conveying her encouragement. Her gesture was enough to take the edge off my nerves and while I wouldn't say I wowed the panel with a slick presentation, I did manage to cover most of what I had intended to convey. I found I was far more at ease by the time we got to the questions from the panel. Besides, talking about the technical aspects of the design process was far more familiar to me than trying to provide a sales pitch.

To their credit, the judging panel were very encouraging and it was not quite the inquisition that I had expected. The questions devolved into a discussion of design principles and when I reflected on the presentation later on that evening, I was unable to put my finger on the point at which I actually started to enjoy the chat. Certainly, we went well over the time that had been allotted to my presentation and the warmth of the group as we finished up left me feeling buoyed.

Sitting alone outside the meeting room was Chloe. She looked up at me as I came out of the room and her smile broadened as she saw my expression. I walked over to her and held my arm out inviting her to take it. She picked up her handbag and stood looping her arm in mine.

"It went well, I take it," she observed.

"I'm not going to give up my day job to be a news presenter, but I didn't embarrass myself," I replied smirking.

We strode out of the building to the parking lot.

"Do I get to know where we are going now?" She asked as we reached her car. The light wind fanned through her hair and carried her perfume to me. Although her arm was looped in mine, the distance she maintained between us was evident.

"I was thinking of wine and tapas. Does that sound ok?" I asked.

"Sure," she replied, the uncertainty about what we would discuss evident in her slightly furrowed brow.

We drove separately to the small tapas bar nearby. I had made a reservation in advance so we didn't need to wait despite the queues from the entrance. As we were guided to our table, the noise of the other couples and music, together with the subdued lighting meant we were afforded some privacy to talk. The waitress took our orders and then slipped away as I turned to Chloe.