Romance Most Wet

"Aye," he said.

She held it in much the same way she'd held Tabitha. "It's growing again!"

"I'll be fucked. Fastest it's ever done that."

"Fred," said Rose, "if we've done it once, can there be any harm in doing it again?"

"I suppose not," said the prince.

The princess found herself facedown.

"Fred! I am not a horse."

"It's only good anatomical sense, my love." He slapped both of her flanks. "See how they absorb the shock."

This seemed practical.

The bed began to move.

Later, she said, "What harm could there be in a third time?"

The prince laughed.

"Frederick! What are you doing to me?"

"I think they call it the 'reverse cowgirl.' But I can stop."

"Don't stop," she said.

"Don't stop," she repeated.

"I'm not stopping," he said.

"Fred! What possible purpose could your finger serve there?"

"Shall I stop?" he said.

"Don't stop," she said.

"Don't stop," she repeated.

Later, she said, "Is there anything else to do?"

Later, she said, "Oh!"

Later, she said, "Is there anything else to do?"

Later, she said, "Oh! Oh! Oh!"

Later, he said, "I'm fucking drained, you saucy wench. Suck or fuck, you'll not get another drop out of me."

Later, this turned out to be untrue.

"Do not lie to me again," said Rose, beatific.

"Aye, about that..." said the prince.

But Rose was already asleep.

"And so, I kissed the prince, and here he stands before you," said the Princess Rose.

"Hmm," said the king and queen.

"This individual seems shockingly more handsome than my brother ever was," said the sister.

"Yes," Rose said, "the diet has agreed with him, he reports."

"He is a foot and a half taller than my son ever was," said the queen.

"Well, surely..." Rose looked at her betrothed. "Surely, he could've kept growing while transformed."

"He is certainly less annoying than my son ever was," said the king.

"Well, he's yet to say a word," the sister said.

"Yes," said the king. "Marvelous improvement. Well, shall we start the wedding?"

"This is not the prince," said the sister.

"No, this is not the prince," said the queen.

"No, I fear this is not the prince," said the king.

"How can you be sure this is not the prince?" said Rose.

"Because I am the prince!" said the prince. He hopped forward from the other end of the throne room. "Did I not say she was stupid?"

"Yes," sighed the sister. "That is the prince."

"Yes," the queen sighed.

"Yes," sighed the king.

"A right cunt, too," said the man who was evidently not the prince.

"Yes," said the king.

"Yes," the queen said.

"Yes," said the sister. "That is the prince."

"Course I'm the fucking prince," said the prince.

"The fucking prince, your highnesses," said the herald and sounded the sackbut. The prince's tiny crown went flying.

"Well, shall we start the wedding?" asked the king.

"I should be going," said the man who was evidently not the prince.

"Wait, you!" croaked the prince. "I'd have vengeance on the man who has ruined my bride!"

"Ruined?" said the king.

"Oh dear," the queen said.

"Jolly good show, sister," said the sister. She looked approvingly at the man who was evidently not the prince.

"I feel faint," said Rose. The man who was evidently not the prince caught her. "But who is this?" she said.

"In retrospect," the queen said, "he looks much like Stephan, one of the grooms. The one who was cursed after he shot that unicorn."

"You know," said the king, "he's much the spitting image of Stephan, the groom who shot that unicorn that one time."

"I remember with fondness watching Stephan do his work. He was the groom who shot that unicorn," said the sister.

"I'm Stephan," said Stephan, who'd shot that unicorn. "I didn't know it was a unicorn at the time. And I'll be honest, I did deceive, though 'twas not my original intention. I wanted only to be human again, and so I imitated that fuckwit. But when I saw ye, my dove, though I knew full well it'd lead to my death, I was willing to pay that price for but one night with ye. I regret not a thing, and offer my neck to the hangman willingly."

"Oh Frederick," sighed Rose.

"Call me Fred, my dove," said Stephan.

"I'm Fred!" said Frederick, "Call him something else!"

"Oh Stephan," sighed Rose.

Stephan held her.

"I am irate!" croaked the prince. "A mere groom has deflowered my bride using chicanery!"

"I'd watch yer mouth, ye little wart," said Stephan, who was a mere groom.

The prince was hopping mad. "Have the guards take that boy out and slice him in four! No, five! And bring me a fly soufflé and a bisque à la mouche."

"Frederick," said the queen, "it may be time to try real food again."

"Now, wait," said Rose, counting her darling fingers, "the first time may have been somewhat deceptive. But the second time, and the third time, and the fourth time, and the fifth time, it was my idea."

"Entirely," said the groom.

"Jolly good show, sister," said the sister. She looked approvingly at the groom.

"That is immaterial!" said the prince, as he ate his soufflé. "I'll not be cuckolded by a commoner. Execute the groom!"

"Fuck," said the groom.

"Oh, there was a sixth time, too, now that I think about it," said Rose.

"Jolly good show, sister," said the sister, and left the room, quite inconspicuously.

"Cut him in six!" croaked the prince.

The guards began to lead the groom out at spear point.

"Now wait a moment!" Rose said. "I do think I should have a bit of say in all this."

"Ah, the baggage speaks," said the prince, moving on to his soup.

"I would hate to be the cause of any harm this morning, especially on the day of my wedding. But as I see it, I am the only one here who can return the prince to his form. And this I refuse to do until I am assured Stephan may freely leave."

"All seems very reasonable," said the king.

"You'll marry this disgusting creature?" said the queen.

The prince was slurping.

"If Stephan may go free," said Rose.

"Frederick, what do you say to this?" said the queen.

"Why aren't there more flies in my soup?" said the prince.

"Frederick!" said the queen.

"Oh," said the prince, "Yeah, sure, she'll do. Leave the boy in one piece, I suppose."

"My dove," Stephan said, "don't do this. I'll die a happy man, and all the happier knowing you're free from that little wanker."

"Stephan," Rose said, drawing close to him. "I shall treasure the memory of you every day of my life. Were you to die, I would spend my every moment in a dark cloud, until I should pass from this world and have some hope of seeing you again. Please, do not take my joy from me. Let me save you."

Stephan did not speak for a time, then took a long bow. "Aye, my love." And he left.

"Well, shall we start the wedding?" asked the king.

Tabitha picked up the prince with her front paws, ripped him into two pieces while he screamed, then swallowed them both.

"Hmm," said the king. "I suppose not."

A fierce commotion occurred in the hall, and suddenly Stephan came riding Rose's great white stallion into the throne room.

"My dove," he yelled, "I've returned for you! Don't marry that worm!"

He looked around.

"Where is that worm?" he said.

Rose looked at her ferret, who was licking her claws. "Tabitha has devoured him whole."

"Oh," said the groom.

"Which is strange," Rose said, "because I'm quite sure I left Tabitha locked in my room."

"Very odd," said the sister, who had quite inconspicuously reappeared.

"Oh," said the groom, leading the horse in a circle. "Well, Rose, I know I've deceived ye, and I am sore sorry, but I do swear that henceforth I shall cherish ye as—"

"Stephan," said Rose.

"Yes?"

"That's not necessary," said Rose. "I've decided to come with you."

"Jolly good show," said the sister. She looked approvingly at the man who would evidently be marrying the woman who evidently would not be marrying her brother.

"Dear sister," said Rose, taking the sister's hand. "Oh, but we shall not be sisters, it seems! Still, I shall always think of you as such. I thank you for your kindness and council. You will watch Tabitha for me?"

"I shall have her knighted," said the sister.

They kissed.

"Well, then, shall we be off?" said Rose.

Stephan lifted her into the saddle. They stormed down the hall and out into the gardens, and past the well from antiquity, and past the royal marsh, and over the limestone hills. Rose's hair came loose and whipped wildly behind her, and did so until they came to a stop in another kingdom entirely.

"Hmm," said the king.

"Well," the queen said, "I suppose the banquet's already prepared."

"Well, shall we start the banquet?" asked the king.

"Yes," said the sister, or—as we should now refer to her—the heiress presumptive.

There was a humble cottage in a faraway land where lived a man and his wife. There were horses in the stable. There were tomatoes in the garden. There was a chess set made of wood and antler.

There were twelve children sleeping in twelve beds.

The man and his wife lay in their bed, in a tangle of limbs.

Later, she said, "Surely, there can't be anything left to do?"

"No, my dove, no. We've done it all."

"What about this?" she said.

"Rose!" he said