tagHumor & SatireSafe Sex Tuesday

Safe Sex Tuesday


"Holly its Anita, you gotta come right now I need you to help me with something. No, I can't tell you on the phone somebody might hear me. How do I know who, it's just that my words are out there some place when I talk on the phone and somebody might pick them out of the air. OK thanks I'll see you in a few."

As Anita waits for her friend, she paces the floor wondering how she could have gotten in to such a mess. She knows for a fact that she's always careful, she never dates when the moon is full or on the thirteenth of the month even if it falls on safe sex Tuesday. She finally hears her friends knock and runs to open the door. She pulls Holly inside and without wasting time on formalities begins to tell her friend about her troubles.

"I just know I've an STD and it just can't be. I don't know what I'm going to do, you've got to help me Holly."

Holly inquires as to the nature of her alleged STD, and to whom did, she think gave it to her. The reason Holly is so concerned is that she sleeps with many of Anita's boyfriends and now she's worried she might have the same STD.

"Well Aunt Flo is already three days late and you know I'm never late."

"Honey you don't mean you think you have a STD you mean you think you're pregnant."

"Duh, STD mean sexually transmitted disease and I didn't get preggers from lip dancing if that's not a STD then what is."

"Yeah I guess you're right there, so who's the father?"

"You remember that guy I met when we went to the boffing barn a few weeks ago?"

"Anita that's Bopping Barn, you know, dancing not boffing and why in the world would I remember someone you met that long ago."

"Oh god holly I just thought of his name, oh shit this can't be happening to me. His name is Greg Peter, if I had to marry him my name would be Anita Peter, I can't go life as Anita Peter everyone would laugh."

"Oh sweetie I know what you mean, remember that boy I dated for so long I had to break up because his last name was Wood. I couldn't be Mrs. Holly Wood could I?"

Anita asked her friend to help her take some of the home pregnancy tests she purchased at the drug store. The first one was called 'The Fake Home Pregnancy Test. Anita was happy when it tested positive thinking it showed she had a fake pregnancy. It took a while but finally Holly showed it meant it was a fake test not a test for a fake. Next, she tried two different kinds and both turned out positive.

"Oh my god Holly does this mean I'm having twins?"

"How could this have happened, you know I only practice safe sex, I only screw boys on safe sex Tuesdays and never on the thirteenth no matter what day it's on, and I won't even kiss a boy when there's a full moon. I mean how safe can I be?"

"Anita have you ever thought about using condoms?"

"Sure I used condoms, apartments; even the back seat of cars but whatever has that got to do with getting pregnant. You know I only screw boys cowgirl style and I know that works. I mean have you ever seen a pregnant cow girl?"

Holly admitted she had not ever seen a cowgirl with child but then she'd never seen a cowgirl at all. She asked Anita where she'd received her sexual education and she had replied that it was her friend June.

"Anita, doesn't she have like five kids with five different fathers?"

"Well yeah, but that was after she taught me everything she knows. Duh, just because you know how to have safe sex doesn't mean you always have it. Holy crap, I just realized how I got pregnant..."

"Yeah me too, you had unprotected sex with a man, that's how you get pregnant Anita."

"No not that's not what happened, well yeah that's what happened but the reason I got knocked up was because we had sex after midnight."

"What do you mean after midnight, what in the world does that have to do with it?"

"You know Holly you're supposed to be the smart one here. Think woman, we had sex after midnight that means we had sex on Wednesday not on safe sex Tuesday."

Holly could see there could be no amount of explaining that would make Anita understand so at least for the time being she gave up.

"Well one good thing about being pregnant is now you can have sex any day of the week and not need to worry about it.

"Are you kidding? I've already got twins I sure as hell don't want triplets. No it nothing but giving BJs from now until these kids are born."

Holly couldn't see the value of telling Anita that's what she should have given Greg Peter.

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